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TIFU by breaking up with the girl I love

Didn’t happen today but a few months ago. So some background, earlier this year I reconnected with someone I used to know years ago. She and I got along great. She understood me in a way most other people didn’t. She soon became one of my closest friends. I would talk to her literally every day. After reconnecting with her I started to come out of my COVID-induced depression and things started to get better. She encouraged me to start working again. Things were getting brighter. I would be so scared to lose her. I would be scared of what would happen if she wasn’t here. She was my best friend. Then one day she told me that she liked me and I didn’t know what to say to her. I wasn’t sure if that was how I felt about her. I wasn’t sure if I could even be in a relationship. I told her that. I thought that was the day I would lose her. She was very hurt. Somehow our friendship survived and in the coming days, I started contemplating a relationship with her. I was still struggling with myself. I wasn’t sure if I was ready. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to get over my trauma and commitment issues. She started seeing someone else and I started to feel very sad. I was able to get myself together and occupied myself by doing other things, joining dance classes, etc. We were still friends so we were talking on the phone every night. She’d tell me about her day but at this point, I stopped sharing my problems and issues with her. I just didn’t want to put any stress on our friendship. I started to think I would lose her at any moment so I better just enjoy as much time with her as I can. Then she stopped seeing the guy and I kinda couldn’t stop myself from making advances toward her. I didn’t want to let her go. I wanted to be with her all the time. I was also getting a little burnt out. I was giving her all of my time, I was changing a lot and I wasn’t sure if I wanted all of these changes. I wasn’t able to tell her these either because I thought these would drive her away. Then she asked if I liked her romantically or just liked her as a friend. I knew I wanted to say yes. So I bought her favorite flowers, got her macaroons, and took her to a special place to tell her that I liked her. We started dating. I started to get a little overwhelmed. Instead of being happy, my trauma from prior relationship attempts started to come back. I thought we were moving a bit fast. I wanted to tell her but I was too scared that she would not like that. That she might leave. She was being very affectionate to me. I started feeling guilty thinking she liked me so much more than I liked her. She was so sure about me and I wasn’t sure about her. I wasn’t sure if I would ever get married and I started to think if I can’t be sure that I would marry her why am I dating her. I started feeling trapped that I ruined my friendship with her and now I’m misleading my best friend. I started to break down every day. I would cry every day. I wasn’t being able to function in my regular life. I was trying to keep up a facade to her as if nothing was wrong but she could tell something was wrong. When I asked a few friends I was getting a few different kinds of advice from them but I kept fixating on the advice that made me out to be someone doing something awful. Things kept getting worse. I finally decided that I was going to tell her that I was getting a little overwhelmed and needed a little bit of time. I went to meet her, she looked so sad and tired and all I could think was that I was hurting her and ruining her life. Instead of telling her, I was getting a bit overwhelmed, I told her I couldn’t be her boyfriend anymore. I broke up with her.

I broke her heart. The following weeks were just awful. I was hurting so much. She was a part of my everyday life, she made me a better person, gave me hope, and made the world feel so much brighter. She was my best friend. Without her life felt so empty and painful. Some people around me were telling me that I did the right thing. That if I wasn’t sure I shouldn’t have been in that relationship. It was at this point, I started to realize that I actually was in love with her. I wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted her to be there with me. Every time I was somewhere fun, I would be thinking I wish she was here. Every time I was happy I wanted to share that with her. I wonder every day if she is sad, I wish I was there for her. I would miss every little detail about her. If someone else would sit on the passenger seat of my car, I would think, that’s her seat. She was everything I ever wished for, I just realized that way too late.

Tl:dr: I broke up with my girlfriend thinking I didn’t like her enough only to realize that I was absolutely in love with her.

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