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TIFU by experiencing overwhelming happiness

This was last weekend, but the consequences only became clear yesterday.

A little context before the actual incident. Two years ago I went through a breakup with someone I loved very much, who had been my friend for years before we started dating. The relationship ended with her telling me that I wasn’t strong enough to give her the support she needed, I wasn’t successful enough to be her long-term partner, and if we were together she would always wonder if she could have found someone better. Those words honestly fucked me up.

I made a commitment that no one was ever going to throw me away for being weak or unsuccessful again. Over the last two years, I’ve pushed myself personally, physically, and professionally. I went to therapy and studied attachment theory to understand why I struggle in relationships. I went to the gym five days a week at 5am and gained 20 pounds of good weight. I changed jobs, earned promotions, and almost tripled my income. This has all been very rewarding, but also very lonely. I lost most of my close friends in the breakup, and I’m in my mid-thirties so making new friends is hard. I live alone, and basically grind everyday.

Last year I finally decided to try dating again, so I got on the apps. It’s rough out there. A lot of false starts, ghosting, etc., until two months ago I really clicked with a girl. We’ve been seeing each other most weekends since.

This brings me to the fuck up. Last weekend we were having one of those lazy, early-relationship-pillow-talk Sunday mornings. At one point I went to get up to make coffee, and while I was sitting on the edge of the bed she hugged me from behind and rested her cheek against my upper back. I am 6’ and 190 pounds, I am not used to being held like that, and I was not prepared.

In that moment all the isolation and tension and effort of the last two years washed away, and I felt overwhelmingly safe and relaxed and at peace. In the most fundamental way, I wasn’t alone. It was such an intense feeling of relief that I started shaking and got tears in my eyes. She asked me what was wrong, and I told her I just hadn’t felt so happy in a long time. The rest of the morning seemed pretty normal, we made out for a while, had coffee, and she went home.

On Monday I sent her a text to ask about plans for the following weekend. I didn’t hear back, which was unusual. On Wednesday I asked what was up, and she responded that work was super busy and she’d get back to me soon. Then yesterday I woke up to a super long text, explaining that she doesn’t see a future for us, it’s too much pressure being responsible for someone else’s happiness, and she needs to be with someone whose “cup is already full”. I texted back asking if we could talk, but that was left on read.

I get where she’s coming from. It’s just so frustrating. I've made so much progress the last couple of years, but on some level I still crave that feeling of intimacy, and it seems like the only way to get it is to not need it. I tried to write a wise conclusion here but it’s all a jumble so I’ll just leave it at that.

TL;DR - Had a moment of genuine vulnerability, got dumped.

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