Skip to main content

TIFU by kissing ass

Ok so this one didn't happen today. It happened a long time ago. But, it popped into my head just now while I was reading another bedroom TIFU and I figured I'd get it off my chest at long last.

Growing up I had a pretty big crush on this girl. Let's call her Maria. She liked me back at first but like a silly boy after we made out at a party I made an absolute ass of myself. Like, telling people I wasnt really into her. Why? I don't know. Kids are fucking stupid. She stopped liking me (understandable) and started liking other, less idiotic boys.

Well, as luck would have it, she and my sister became good friends, and so Maria was constantly in my life after this. I became infatuated with her. I would write her notes, send her emails, even write poems. These were truly horrendous poems, y'all. If one was to be uncovered today I think I would have to move my family to Antarctica. Suffice to say I was smitten with this girl. All the while she was ALWAYS dating some new boy.

Eventually, some years later, when we were all super mature early 20 somethings, I got invited to a weekend getaway with her and my sister's friend group at Maria's family cabin. AND, the boy she was dating at the time WASN'T coming. I don't remember why. Maybe he was at school. Maybe they were on a break.

Regardless, I was hopeful. Sure enough, that night we were inseparable. Telling jokes, laughing, having an amazing time. At some point she told me to kiss her already and I wasn't going to miss my chance!

Shortly after that, she said she was going to bed. And, asked me where I was sleeping. I said I don't know and she told me to stop being such an idiot and come with her already.

Well, let me tell you, years of teenage angst and repressed (poorly I'll admit) feelings and lust were all boiling up inside of me. This was my moment. Finally, another chance with Maria!

We got to the bedroom and things were going well, we were making out and heavily petting each other and eventually Maria wasn't wearing pants. I was kissing on her, making my way down her body and... Well she always had such a cute butt. So, my brain was like, you should kiss it! Yes that's a fabulous idea, kiss Maria's cute little butt!

So I did. I don't remember the exact maneuver but I somehow got her to rotate her torso and there it was, looking every bit as delectable as I guess I had imagined. And I kissed it. Once, softly, and then again, and - well, I suspect I would have kept on kissing it had Maria not interrupted me at that moment.

Maria: "Babythatssubstantial, did you just... Kiss my ass?"

Me: "Erm...umm... Yeah, I did"

The next part was kind of difficult to make out due to the fact that Maria spontaneously erupted in laughter

Maria: "I can't believe" laughter, and gasping for air "that *babythatssubstantial* just kissed my ass!"

Me: "ummm.... Its a nice ass..." Why did I say that? Why say anything??

Maria: unintelligible laughing noises

... After a short while of this, Maria calmed down a bit, and I tried to pick up where we'd left off.

Maria: "I'm sorry *babythatssubstantial* I just can't take you seriously after that. Let's just go to sleep"

The next day I tried to talk to her about it and she told me that whatever she thought we had between us was gone. She also shared that she felt awful for being with me behind so and so's back. I promised her it would stay between us and it did.

After a while, I realized that there was no longer any chance of a redo. I also realized that I like booties, and if I can't kiss the booty of the girl I love then what even is the point.

I'm happily married with a family today, a wife who I adore who doesn't laugh at me when I kiss her booty, and zero regrets. So this is nothing but an amusing memory now that I would never share with anyone in real life, so I'm sharing it here with you instead.

TL;DR kissed my schoolyard crush on the ass years later while we were messing around sending her into a fit of laughter and permanently ending any chance we had of hooking up again.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU - Don’t do what I did

On Sunday morning Aug. 24th, I awoke to discover a large blind spot in my right eye, which turned out to be what is called wet age-related macular degeneration (AMD). It has resulted in a very significant, permanent loss of vision in that eye. Although I maintain good peripheral vision, whatever I focus on at best is very blurry, and mostly disappears. I can barely make out the large E at the top of the eye chart. If this happens to my left eye I’ll be unable to read or drive. It turns out that I missed the opportunity that I had to prevent this from becoming a serious problem because I failed to report what appeared to be minor changes in my vision. In the weeks prior to August I had noticed that what I knew to be straight lines appeared to my right eye to have a little waviness. I also noticed that the color of my front lawn, which I could see through the window from my recliner,  was subdued, looked almost gray, in my right eye. So I scheduled an eye exam, which revealed the p...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting suspended for 2 days by my front office in school.

I (13M) am an African American student at Jeannette junior high who had got suspended for 2 days here. I was in math class minding my business until my teacher had told me to go to the main office, which posed no problem to me. As i went down there, the people of the front office had stopped me and made me get a new ID (yes, we have id's.) so i had asked them if i could maybe do a different alternative and call my mother to let her bring the Id here, even then, the Id isn't that important. So, although i was talking to them in a calm manner and not showing any signs of rebellion, they had threatened to call the police on me without thinking twice before calling my parents. This is where i started getting angry, and even then now the black peers agree that could have been a racially motivated action. They then told me to sit in the office conference room because of that, leading into more anger. They had then called my mother who had came over to the school didn't even let ...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by putting my already skinny jeans in the dryer on high heat.

TL;DR: Was stupid and didn't realize I put my clothes on extra high heat in the dryer. Had to rock skintight skinny jeans all day with tighty whities (only clean pair I had since I procrastinate doing laundry like crazy). I guess the constant wedgies and squishing are punishment for my stupidity. Honestly don’t know who else to blame but myself for this. I’m a scatterbrained guy so I literally put the highest setting on a load with most of my clothes, and my skinny jeans that I was planning to wear today. You can probably already see where this is going, but somehow I didn’t. For context, these jeans were already pushing the limits of what could reasonably be called wearable. They fit, technically, but only in the sense that I could get them on with enough determination and a bit of strategic breathing. Sitting down in them was more of a commitment than a casual action. Still, they looked good, and I had convinced myself that discomfort was just part of the aesthetic. So this m...
Post a Comment
Read more