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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by kissing ass

Ok so this one didn't happen today. It happened a long time ago. But, it popped into my head just now while I was reading another bedroom TIFU and I figured I'd get it off my chest at long last.

Growing up I had a pretty big crush on this girl. Let's call her Maria. She liked me back at first but like a silly boy after we made out at a party I made an absolute ass of myself. Like, telling people I wasnt really into her. Why? I don't know. Kids are fucking stupid. She stopped liking me (understandable) and started liking other, less idiotic boys.

Well, as luck would have it, she and my sister became good friends, and so Maria was constantly in my life after this. I became infatuated with her. I would write her notes, send her emails, even write poems. These were truly horrendous poems, y'all. If one was to be uncovered today I think I would have to move my family to Antarctica. Suffice to say I was smitten with this girl. All the while she was ALWAYS dating some new boy.

Eventually, some years later, when we were all super mature early 20 somethings, I got invited to a weekend getaway with her and my sister's friend group at Maria's family cabin. AND, the boy she was dating at the time WASN'T coming. I don't remember why. Maybe he was at school. Maybe they were on a break.

Regardless, I was hopeful. Sure enough, that night we were inseparable. Telling jokes, laughing, having an amazing time. At some point she told me to kiss her already and I wasn't going to miss my chance!

Shortly after that, she said she was going to bed. And, asked me where I was sleeping. I said I don't know and she told me to stop being such an idiot and come with her already.

Well, let me tell you, years of teenage angst and repressed (poorly I'll admit) feelings and lust were all boiling up inside of me. This was my moment. Finally, another chance with Maria!

We got to the bedroom and things were going well, we were making out and heavily petting each other and eventually Maria wasn't wearing pants. I was kissing on her, making my way down her body and... Well she always had such a cute butt. So, my brain was like, you should kiss it! Yes that's a fabulous idea, kiss Maria's cute little butt!

So I did. I don't remember the exact maneuver but I somehow got her to rotate her torso and there it was, looking every bit as delectable as I guess I had imagined. And I kissed it. Once, softly, and then again, and - well, I suspect I would have kept on kissing it had Maria not interrupted me at that moment.

Maria: "Babythatssubstantial, did you just... Kiss my ass?"

Me: "Erm...umm... Yeah, I did"

The next part was kind of difficult to make out due to the fact that Maria spontaneously erupted in laughter

Maria: "I can't believe" laughter, and gasping for air "that *babythatssubstantial* just kissed my ass!"

Me: "ummm.... Its a nice ass..." Why did I say that? Why say anything??

Maria: unintelligible laughing noises

... After a short while of this, Maria calmed down a bit, and I tried to pick up where we'd left off.

Maria: "I'm sorry *babythatssubstantial* I just can't take you seriously after that. Let's just go to sleep"

The next day I tried to talk to her about it and she told me that whatever she thought we had between us was gone. She also shared that she felt awful for being with me behind so and so's back. I promised her it would stay between us and it did.

After a while, I realized that there was no longer any chance of a redo. I also realized that I like booties, and if I can't kiss the booty of the girl I love then what even is the point.

I'm happily married with a family today, a wife who I adore who doesn't laugh at me when I kiss her booty, and zero regrets. So this is nothing but an amusing memory now that I would never share with anyone in real life, so I'm sharing it here with you instead.

TL;DR kissed my schoolyard crush on the ass years later while we were messing around sending her into a fit of laughter and permanently ending any chance we had of hooking up again.

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