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TIFU by self-sabotaging a budding relationship that had positively zero issues

TLDR: I felt like things were going well in a new relationship but at the first sight of perceived rejection I blew the entire thing up over text. Less than 24 hours after first becoming physically intimate.

So I had been talking to and seeing this guy I met on Hinge who I was actually very excited about since we had so much in common and we got along so well. Our sexual chemistry was pretty intense as well and while we both said we wanted to take things slow (for both separate and similar reasons) it became increasingly difficult to do so. I got back from being out of town on Friday so he came over to watch a movie and have dinner. We had one of the best first hookups I’ve had in ages and enjoyed a really nice night together.

To preface, I had been honest with him about having PTSD around sex & relationships and about my mental health journey in general. Before we passed the physical threshold I told him that it was very difficult for me to detach emotionally and that I was already in a pretty emotional way, which he empathized with and related to and I felt adequately heard. So when the next day came around and he didn’t respond to my text about seeing each other again, yet had already viewed my story on Instagram, I was immediately triggered to a couple of experiences I’ve had over the recent years with online dating where I’d been ignored or ghosted pretty much immediately after becoming intimate with them. I didn’t realize how big of a trigger it would be for me and I let it totally control my reaction because the thought of that happening again was too much to handle, even if it had only been a little over 12 hours since seeing each other and I was acting on solely assumption.

Unfortunately I reached out with my anxieties and worries in a way that ended up being heard and respected, but was not communicated in a way that was respectful or effective. I feel awful for inevitably dumping my trauma and anxiety onto this person who has done nothing but listen and react thoughtfully and make me feel really good and safe. He understandably told me that it was too much and not cool the way I handled it and that he needed space which makes sense. Though, after talking for every for the last few weeks and being so intimate a few days ago, the silence is ultimately solidifying my trauma response. Nothing was even wrong, he was just busy and enjoying his Saturday. I feel so terrible to have shown that side of me and know that even if he does want to give it another chance, the dynamic will be very different and the chemistry may be wrong.

I’m so sad and grieving this terribly because I actually really liked this person and the potential I saw between us and they did absolutely nothing wrong. It’s all on me.

Edit: grammar

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