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TIFU by cheating on my bf during the talking stage

TIFU

so when my current bf (James) and I where in the talking stage I started in mid November my coworker also asked me and James and I agreed on no labels because we where going off to college soon. One thing lead to another and my coworker and I began sexting in December but it was very short lived and I have never contacted him again and we don't work together anymore. James and I began officially dating in late march and things where going great.

The other night he went through my phone while I was asleep and found the messages between my coworker and I. He left in the middle of the night and I didn't wake up until the morning and found he was gone he turned off his location and ignored my calls.

We talked over iMessage and I didn't deny anything and wanted to regain his trust and wanted to know how he felt. All of his feelings and actions where valid. He told me he felt disrespected, betrayed, and said that "I honestly do want just let go and move on but I'm just so worried that it'd be a mistake" and then also said "Just give me some time I honestly love you too but right now I'm really close to calling it. this isn't me trying to punish you but I just feel so betrayed and disrespected".

We have mutual friends and I went to one that I'm close with and he and his current GF went through something similar when they first started talking so he's helping me. He said that because he responded and the way that he did he might be willing to "work things out" but I feel so crumbled up inside knowing that i hurt him. I want to be by his side even if I messed up and he's angry and yelling at me i deserve that I just want to be their for him no matter what and I did this to myself. I know this isn't a pity party for me because I'm the one that messed up but I cant have an overwhelming fear that I'm going to loose him.

I haven't been able to sleep or eat- I cant even sleep on my stomach cuddling the pillow anymore without crying because I don't know if I would ever be able to hug him again. I bought the same deodorant as him because I liked the way he smelled and now everything smells like him.

I reached out to my BF later in the evening saying that I should've never risked us, and that id do anything. explaining how I felt, and why I didn't tell him. I was scared and we are so good together that I never wanted to bring that up because I was scared of the outcomes. I also said that I have no justification for my actions and that I take full responsibility for my actions. I also said id give him full access to all of my socials, emails, etc. as well as my journals.

I then began researching about infidelity its consequences to your partner, how to work through it, and how to approach it. I then said id do anything to regain your trust and you but I wont force you to be with me. It's really if you're willing to forgive me and truly want to be with me. he then responded with I know and that's what I'm trying to figure out. I texted him goodnight and that if he wanted I was free tomorrow (today) to see each other but no pressure and I respect your decision and ended it with I love you goodnight. he didn't respond last night to my text and then I messaged him how are you and he left me on delivered.

I'm not sure what to do he's betrayed my trust by breaking promises but I let him come over even if I wanted space- I know this is a lot worse but I just want to see him and call him. I just want to fix this, and I know I messed up majorly but during the relationship I have been nothing but faithful. I have no justification for my actions and I want to rebuild this but I'm not sure where to start and how long I should wait. I am so deeply in love with this man I don't want a past mistake I made effect our future. I can only imagine the pain I caused him and I never wanted to be the source of it. He is my everything and these feelings came after the coworker infidelity- I'm so lost ill update when I know something

TL;DR: summary-> When my BF and i started talking I also began talking to my coworker for about a month and then stopped- Bf and i started officially dating in march and the other night he went through my phone while i was asleep and found the messages between coworker and I. He left that night while i was asleep and i called him in the morning but he turned his location off. we texted and he wants space right now.

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