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TIFU by eating chocolate covered pretzels

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TIFU having the worst breakup ever.

18M here who was in a really long relationship with my ex 18F. We dated/talked since the end of 2020 and we officially broke up a few months ago. this relationship became very toxic out of no where and I wish things didn't go the way they had. We were really in love and if we were to never get back together with each other, I would never forget her. I have nothing bad to say about her and I never will and I can admit that I was the reason we broke up. We had our differences in high school and I never truly sat there to understand her in the way I should have. She was the best person that has ever walked into my life and ever since we broke up, my life has been going downhill rapidly. I'm starting to lose myself and am filled with so much regret from my past relationship because I know there are so many ways I could've fixed it and we could've still been together. I wish I could go back in time knowing everything I know now and just change it all to where we are still together now. It's really hard on me because I've finally come to the realization that there's a chance this woman may be out of my life for good and it was all my fault and I'm having a rough time trying to cope with it. I haven't gone to the gym in months and my health is on a decline, and I've had close to 0 motivation to get anything done because I always have something on my mind. I've started to smoke more weed and it has completely ruined my drive for anything and i'm starting to stay stagnant and I am just not improving myself like I should be. every single day I get filled with regret and I just lose any and all motivation to do anything because I just cannot stop thinking about the past and how my life has just been going downhill. I distract myself with weed and I go out with my friends to try and get my mind off of everything, but nothing works. I know i need to just stay focused and try my best to improve myself, but it is just so fucking hard. I'm always in my head and I never have energy for anything. I've made myself a good morning routine to try and stick to, but I just cannot get myself up in the morning to do the things I need to and to be productive. I also sit here and think and pray that she doesn't meat another guy because I want to give her everything in this world and just show her how sorry I am for everything that went wrong in the relationship. I just don't know how to move on and begin to learn to love myself. I hate myself right now and I don't know how to get out of this hole that I keep digging myself deeper and deeper into. I don't want to get myself in a situation where I have a bunch of bad habits and can't get myself out of it. I just want to become the best man I can possibly be and prove to myself that I can get through it.

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TL:DR Had a huge breakup with my ex and now my life is in a downhill spiral that I don't know how to get myself out of.

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