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TIFU by eating beef jerky

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TIFU by giving my dog too much food on an upset stomach

My dog has a sensitive tummy and sometimes will throw up as a result. He barfed on my bed the day before yesterday and I washed my sheets but was too lazy to put them on the bed so I slept on the couch. During the day he accepted some mild food in the morning so I thought he was well enough to have a normal dinner (but 1 1/2 cups dry instead of his normal 2 cups). Boy, was I wrong.

Somewhere between 2-3 am I woke up on the couch to him next to me making the dreaded pre-throwup heaving sound. I tried to get him off the couch but he wouldn't, so I tried to drag his 75 lb butt off and I fell backwards with him on top of me... directly on to my stair stepper- the full force of my taint hitting the metal edge.

I am in horrible pain but I manage to get him over to the floor where he throws up (ideal, easiest cleanup). Once he's done I tell him to go in his crate and I go stumble half-asleep into the bathroom to strip and wash my arms which were elbow deep in vomit.

Apparently while I was doing that he decided he did not want to stay in the crate, and jumped back on the couch. Aaaand proceeded to vomit all over the couch again anyway.

I put him back in the crate but lock the dang door this time and my saint of a roommate helps me clean everything up. At this point I'm in pain and horribly tired and just very over everything so I ask my roommate if I can crash in his bed (we're exes from a long time ago but platonic friends for years now). I put my glasses on the bedside table, but they clatter off and I'm like fuck it, I will look for them in the morning. So this morning I'm looking for my glasses and absolutely can't find them (the E at the top of the eye chart is blurry for me, I have terrible vision) and wake my roommate up to help. He finds them... in his "special" trash can by the bed where he puts his used tissues. I've washed them off but they're now forever unclean.

TL;DR I tried to give my dog solid food too soon which set off a chain of events that ended in me having a bruised taint and cum glasses.

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