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TIFU by being too polite while getting my salad tossed

I'm an older man now, and lucky to be so, for once, in my youth, I was too polite while getting my salad tossed.

I was dating a girl in college who was very sweet, very pretty, but perhaps somewhat lacking in common sense. We had been dating several months when she told me, "I have a surprise for you tonight." I was excited and arrived at her apartment that evening to find that she had lit her bedroom with dozens of candles. She had a nice bottle of wine on the nightstand by her bed, and, seemingly out of place, a jar of grape jelly.

"I read about this," she said, "It's going to be great." Considering in retrospect what was about to happen, I cannot imagine where she "read about this." Not even Cosmo would publish this idea. In hindsight, I can only assume she had read a joke, but didn't realize it was a joke. I have to think that someone sent her an Urban Dictionary definition and she just didn't get the full context.

We had some wine, got naked, and began fooling around when she instructed to me lay down on the bed. I figured I was in for a blowjob when, instead, she spread some jelly on my butthole and began licking it up. It . . . wasn't my favorite thing, but I let her get on with it while pretending to be enthusiastic. I didn't want to hurt her feelings as it was clear she had gone through a lot of effort on her part.

After about five minutes of this, she sat up and said, "Time for the best part," then flung herself onto my body and put her mouth to mine. I was stunned and tight lipped when I felt her tongue pushing into my lips. She was zealously trying to get her tongue into my mouth. I didn't want to upset her and I, being the polite, caring person I am, let her in.

Her tongue tasted like butthole and jelly.

Did you expect anything else?

I hated it, but I let her mount me and get on with the production. Luckily, nothing else completely disgusting happened after that.

About four days later, I have bloody diarrhea, a fever, and the worst cramps of my life. I can't stop throwing up and eventually become so dehydrated my roommate takes me to the hospital. Official diagnosis: Campylobacteriosis. Unofficial diagnosis: Campylobacteriosis from tasting my own butthole.

I'm released about 12 hours later and call her up, asking her if she was sick as well. She said that she'd been fine. I explained to her that I'd been sick because I got an infection that can be obtained from contaminated human poop. She asked me why I had touched poop. I broke up with her.

TL;DR: Got a Hershey's Kiss. 1/10, would not recommend.

EDIT: Just in response to a common reaction emerging in the comments, I do clean my butthole quite well, and did so back then. I guess I wasn't descriptive enough. She was really getting into my ass with that tongue, for five minutes. It's not like I knew it was coming and should have shoved a nozzle up my ass and blasted out the contents in preparation. As the good book says, "Let he who has swabbed out the inside of his asshole before a surprise rim job cast the first stone."

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