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TIFU by going out and drinking

I didn’t really fuck up anything by going out and drinking last night, but itt just helped me realize that I have so many issues I need to work on fixing. last night i went out to the bars, drank and it wasn’t a fun night because for one I got a little too drunk and I was out way too late and I spent too much money. Anyways, heres where my real dilemma is. I got out of a long term relationship about a year ago and this just past year has been tye roughest year of my life. I lost all my friends, I lost my entire social circle and my self esteem and my confidence. That relationship drained me so much and I was so attached that everything i did was revolved around this girl. i let it control me. After we broke up it took so long for me to get over her and frankly, i’m still not over her. I feel as if everything I do is to distract myself from the fact that i’m not over her and i crave her 24/7. If i feel lonely bc i can’t be with her I go out with friends or smoke weed and drink. I try to get with other girls to try and get the feeling i had with her once before. I feel like i’m chasing something I shouldn’t be chasing. Whenever I get drunk I go on my phone and text a bunch of girls bc i get horny and i can’t text or call my ex because we are in no contact. and when I wake up in the morning i see my phone and i realize how desperate I look. I don’t enjoy going out and drinking and i don’t enjoy a lot of the things i have been doing in my life. I haven’t found any real enjoyment since this breakup and i feel like i’m chasing a feeling that i’ll never get from the way I live. After last night, I realized how bad it was when again i went on my phone and started texting girls at 3-4 am trying to link with them and in reality I don’t even want to do that. I feel and look so stupid, I feel lost when it comes to my life. I don’t have any enjoyment anymore and it feels like i don’t love myself and I miss my relationship. I don’t know how to deal with this. I made a decision last night that I plan on sticking until I feel better with myself. I know for a fact that my younger self would not be proud or look up to the things that I am doing now. I deleted all my socials because i feel like I need to disconnect with the world and do some more soul searching and find happiness with myself even if it means i’ll be lonely. I feel like i’m ruining my reputation by drunk texting girls and chasing something that in the end won’t give me what I want. I miss the feeling of being cared about, I miss the feeling of havibg someone by my side all the time, I miss the feeling and happiness of love, I miss the late night talks, I miss the facetime calls, I miss the late night drives, I miss the dates to get food, I miss not talking to anyone except her for weeks in a row bc shes all I ever needed. and Now that its gone i feel like theres nothing. How do I get better, how do i be happy with myself. Is love real? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this i don’t have anyone really by my side. That girl was the best thing that ever happened to me and She was all I ever needed and now that shes gone I can’t live with myself. Its been over a year and I feel like any normal person would be over a relationship that happened a year ago. I’m truly not okay and I’m quitting drinking alcohol, smoking weed, and nicotine because none of it makes me feel good anymore. Its pointless and I just miss my relationship so much I wanted to marry this girl and the fact that it feels like we are strangers now really hits me deep in my core.

TL;DR Still not over my past relationship which ended one year ago and my life feels meaningless and i’m just existing in this world. Distracting myself by doing things I know i shouldn’t be doing,

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