TIFU by liking my bf’s best friend

I know it sounds ridiculous. I know most people must be disgusted with me. Hell even I’m disgusted by myself and my actions.

I 20f have been with my 20m bf for almost 3 years. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect. We’ve broken up twice and have been on the verge of ending things many times. We are both stubborn people and when we argue we have a hard time coming to an agreement.

This whole pickle started when he got invited to go to a lake with three of his mates. I was hanging out at his place when he got the call. He asked if I wanted to join. I am not a social person. After I graduated and moved onto uni, I stopped talking to old pals and was just spending time with my bf. He’s known about my wanting to hang out with people so he invited me along and I said yes.

For the sake of anonymity his mates will have fake names, J, X, and C. (J is the one who I think I like) my bf originally got invited by C. They have all known each other since childhood. I had a great time. His mates are all nice and have very great personalities. Although C could be somewhat of a girl hopper. Nothing gave me any significant red flags. However J caught my attention for the wrong reasons.

J and I have many things in common. We are both born in a different country from the one we currently live in (not the us or uk) and in fact we are both from the country. Our livelihoods have been affected by this and we relate on many personal issues. Our sense of humor is identical, and although I have adapted my sense of humor from my bf, with J I felt my most authentic self.

This seemed innocent at first, but unfortunately it gets worse. We began hanging out more and more going to many other places together as a group. And I’ve only felt closer to J. I was brushing it off as just getting to click with a new person after so long, however I knew I fucked up when J talked about meeting a lady friend and I felt my heart drop. I had an out of body experience, and I realized that what I felt for J was not right.

I’ve been haunted and tormented by these thoughts for over a month. My Bf doesn’t understand what happened, he thinks it’s my anxiety and insomnia coming back, but he doesn’t know anything about what I feel for J. I’m not a cheater, in fact I have been cheated on too many damn times. However all these feelings are not normal. It feels like I’m cheating.

I have been throwing up, not sleeping at night, and I’ve picked up some bad habits to cope. Actually not even to cope, to just not feel anything. I hate myself. I don’t recognize who I am anymore. I’ve beaten myself up literally just thinking about everything. And every time I go for the block button to just cut J off, I think of the many times he has made me smile, where he compliments me and makes me feel like a person instead of someone’s girlfriend.

I haven’t told my bf, I’m scared of what’s to come. I know I definitely don’t deserve anything good or deserve any sympathy. I just want to stop feeling this way. I want my old life back. Even if I was unhappy. At least my bf was happy.

TL;DR: I went out with my bf and his mates and ended up falling for one of them. My life is ruined and I don’t have anyone to blame but myself.