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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by watching porn at 2am without headphones

Yeah it sounds bad... But normally sex or any other noises at 2am go ignored in my house because our kids have music that plays in their room at night and it drowns out even the loudest of my moans during sex (sometimes even screams). On top of this our kids tend to sleep through a trainwreck... But not this day...

Last night me (27 f) and my husband (33m) had sex and I didn't finish, as I normally would, so I tried to get off using the wand and watching 'something'... But I couldn't find my headphones in the dark and my husband was going to try to go to sleep since he had to work early so I figured I didn't want to turn on the light to look for them so as to disrupt him.

So I decided to watch on a low volume, low enough that its nowhere near as loud as when we have sex but loud enough that you could understand what they were saying... I'm getting close when I hear something in the hallway and my husband said he'd just get up to check so I could finish. Well he's gone for a minute or so and in that time I quickly finish and it was great...

Until he came back in immediately after and informed me that our oldest (5) was out of bed... And wondering why mom was awake and "watching videos with people making funny noises and saying 'oh yeah' a lot"

My stomach dropped and we both panicked because we've never dealt with this before because it clearly wasn't us making the noises so we couldn't say it was... He sent them back to bed and we formulated for a minute and I went in and told them that I was watching massage videos to learn how to give better massages.

They were skeptical and asked what a massage was. So I said I'd just show them and I just massaged their shoulders for a second and was like, "That's a massage, feels good huh? Thats why the people were saying 'oh yeah'...cause it feels good!" They like were "Okay... Why?" I just told them "So I can give them to Daddy when his back hurts" and told them to go back to sleep... So we all did and I got back to bed and just decided to (as Jan Levinson once put it) "collapse into myself like a dying star"....

Please God don't let them repeat this encounter to anyone!šŸ™šŸ¼

TLDR;

Watched porn on low volume without headphones, thinking nothing of it because our kids have music to drown out sound (and it usually works)and woke up my kid and when my husband caught them up and listening at the door they asked, concerned,
"Why is Mommy watching videos where the people make funny noises and keep saying "oh yeah" a lot?" Played it off as watching massage videos to get better at massages...

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