Skip to main content

TIFU by eating beef jerky

Post a Comment

TIFU by watching porn at 2am without headphones

Yeah it sounds bad... But normally sex or any other noises at 2am go ignored in my house because our kids have music that plays in their room at night and it drowns out even the loudest of my moans during sex (sometimes even screams). On top of this our kids tend to sleep through a trainwreck... But not this day...

Last night me (27 f) and my husband (33m) had sex and I didn't finish, as I normally would, so I tried to get off using the wand and watching 'something'... But I couldn't find my headphones in the dark and my husband was going to try to go to sleep since he had to work early so I figured I didn't want to turn on the light to look for them so as to disrupt him.

So I decided to watch on a low volume, low enough that its nowhere near as loud as when we have sex but loud enough that you could understand what they were saying... I'm getting close when I hear something in the hallway and my husband said he'd just get up to check so I could finish. Well he's gone for a minute or so and in that time I quickly finish and it was great...

Until he came back in immediately after and informed me that our oldest (5) was out of bed... And wondering why mom was awake and "watching videos with people making funny noises and saying 'oh yeah' a lot"

My stomach dropped and we both panicked because we've never dealt with this before because it clearly wasn't us making the noises so we couldn't say it was... He sent them back to bed and we formulated for a minute and I went in and told them that I was watching massage videos to learn how to give better massages.

They were skeptical and asked what a massage was. So I said I'd just show them and I just massaged their shoulders for a second and was like, "That's a massage, feels good huh? Thats why the people were saying 'oh yeah'...cause it feels good!" They like were "Okay... Why?" I just told them "So I can give them to Daddy when his back hurts" and told them to go back to sleep... So we all did and I got back to bed and just decided to (as Jan Levinson once put it) "collapse into myself like a dying star"....

Please God don't let them repeat this encounter to anyone!🙏🏼

TLDR;

Watched porn on low volume without headphones, thinking nothing of it because our kids have music to drown out sound (and it usually works)and woke up my kid and when my husband caught them up and listening at the door they asked, concerned,
"Why is Mommy watching videos where the people make funny noises and keep saying "oh yeah" a lot?" Played it off as watching massage videos to get better at massages...

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

TIFU By Fumbling My Gym Crush

I've never posted on Reddit before so apologies if anything is off. I (F) had a crush on a man at my gym for months. We would make extended eye contact frequently, workout in proximity, the usual gym things that get over analyzed when you like someone. He's wildly handsome, but I liked his vibe. A lot. It's hard to explain when someone's energy just hits different but his did. One day he started coming in with a woman. The day I saw her with him, he and I actually stared at each other from across the room for a while, and I turned and walked away because obviously gym rules - that's his girlfriend until I'm told otherwise. The eye contact continues and so does the proximity but I've dialed back completely because in my head, he has a girl and I am no home wrecker. Well, recently, on a Sunday, I was having a real shit day. I accidentally hurt my shoulder so my back day was all off, my body wasn't cooperating, the gym was packed - all I wanted to do w...
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by getting called racist for not handing cash to a customer

today I (F18) fucked up by worked a long ahh shift and got put on register. I never hand money in people’s hands as customers have yelled at me for it, and i think it’s germy so I scoot it towards them as a sign of respect. this lady came in and after i did that she goes “Imma need you to do that again and put it in my hand, you did this last time too don’t you know it’s disrespectful” (meanwhile i haven’t worked register in 2 months at said job and didn’t recognize her) so i apologize, and then cuz it’s call off time i go talk to my boss about it and they all agree with me. apparently though she told my keyholder who’s a poc i was being RACIST by not touching her. so i got told i need to do better even though i didn’t do anything. she was insinuating i was a racist. idk if i should quit or what but i fucked up. TL;DR: i’m a dumbass
Post a Comment
Read more

TIFU by making a joke that landed horribly

I was talking to someone and thought I was being funny, but the second the words left my mouth I knew I had messed up. It was one of those jokes that sounds fine in your head and then just dies completely in real life. Nobody laughed, the mood got awkward instantly, and I could feel my face getting hot because I knew I had just made everything weird for no reason. What made it worse is that I tried to recover from it instead of just shutting up. So then I started talking more, which only made it more obvious that I was panicking. You know that feeling when you can hear yourself getting worse while it’s happening and you still can’t stop? yeah, that was me. I kept trying to act normal, but the whole thing was already gone. After that I just wanted to disappear and pretend it never happened. I’m still thinking about it way more than I should, which somehow makes it even more embarrassing. I really should have just kept my mouth shut for once. TL;DR: I tried to be funny and the joke...
Post a Comment
Read more