TIFU with a girlfriend

Havent really been able to hash it out, but I have some clarity now. This was years ago, but I still wanted to talk about it.

When I was 18, I met this wonderful girl I will call G. She was caring, sweet, and affectionate. I never had a girlfriend before, I didnt realize what she was. She was my first, was very caring and comforting. I learned so much from her in a few short months, I didnt learn it at the time, but as more time goes by the more I continue to learn from her. I was dealing with some of my own issues, mainly being not understanding what a relationship was or how to communicate, and what to joke about and what not to. I have really tried to work hard on this, some improvement but plenty of room left to grow. Id rather not repeat the stuff, but I wasnt good. No excuse, no other way to look at it, I was a bad boyfriend. Towards the end, she learned something about me, I did coke once before we met, and upon learning that she wanted me to promise I wouldnt do it again. I didnt promise that, was making an ass out of myself in that conversation, and it led to the break up. Following this, my parents had a stern conversation with me about drugs. It was odd, how that parent conversation fell eerily close to when the break up happens. I always suspected she told my parents, even tho I never introduced them. I had some resentment for that for a while, but I never understood how right she was.

Fast forward a few years, I am 22 now, my friends and I rented a house. It was good, until one of our roommates wasnt able to pay rent. I had the suspicion of drug abuse, I ruled out any other factor for why he was coming up short on rent, but there was no proof. My roommates didnt believe me, all I had was a hunch. There wasnt anything left around the house, or drug deals we were seeing, so I only had my thoughts. Eventually, I was too convinced. At that point, it was 5 months of no rent, and he was going to work everyday. We knew he was making the money. I was pleading with the one roommate about how we need to find out for sure and he says we can talk later. I get back home and sit on the couch, and the roommate I was pleading with, his dog went into the suspected drug using roommate’s room. He goes to get him out and comes back out with the blankest stare.

“I found the needle”

We sat there and stared at for what felt like an hour and eventually he asked “What do we do”, all I could come up with was to call his parents. I do so, and as soon I hang up, I realize what just happened. G didnt tell my parents because of malicious intent, she was worried and cared and tried to help, but when she realized this was too much for her to handle, she did the only thing she could do and let people that love me know Im in trouble. Without even realizing, I did exactly what G did. I spent so long thinking what kind of person runs to someones parents…well the person who doesnt want to find out you overdosed. Thats who tells parents. This immense wave of guilt and regret came over me. It took me so long to realize how fucked I was and regretted that. It took me so long to understand what caring about yourself and someone else was and I regret that. She showed me everything a loving person does, and when all of that care was sitting right in front of me, I didnt realize how special that is. I was a dumb 18 y/o clown who was too worried about the boys thinking I am whipped instead of listening to someone who actually wanted the best for me.

I wrote this up today, at 26, because even while in therapy, I have yet to feel like I healed from this. As for G, if you ever come across this, I am sorry. You deserved a better boyfriend. I shouldve been a kinder person. The things you taught me I am still learning from, and will never forget. Thank you.

TL;DR: I had an amazing girlfriend and fucked it. Something can always be learned from the past and present.