TIFU By telling my boyfriend I wanted to break up to try and win an argument

I already know I fucked up huge, I just want to get it out

For a little background I'm a recovering alcoholic, four months sober now. So I obviously had a problem, and I ended up getting really sick and he had to take me to the hospital. For the first week he stayed with me every day but eventually he had to go back to work and I was pretty upset because I didn't want to be alone in the hospital and we argued about it a lot. Then I found out after a few days he had missed a week of work after he left the hospital. We'd been texting but he hadn't responded as much as usual and his cousin had called me to ask if he was ok, and I didn't know he had been missing work.

I called him and he sounded bad, like really sick. He said he hadn't smoked cigarettes or weed in over a week and he hadn't been able to eat or drink anything without getting sick. I told him to go to the doctor but he said we couldn't afford it since I was already sick in the ICU. I was pretty worried, he sounded terrible, lost his voice, I could hear him puking over the phone so I called an ambulance to our room. After a few more days he'd got better and we were talking like everything was ok and I wasn't in the hospital and he wasn't working 7 days a week 10/12/14 hour days.

He came and visited me on the weekends after work and sometimes on the weekdays while he was having to work those and I could tell he was always tired, but we argued a little because I didn't want him to leave me alone at the hospital all the time. Then he gets a letter from out of state from CPS, his kids got taken from their mom months ago and no one told him until then, and they wanted to give him custody of his kids who he hadn't seen in two years. He was beyond excited, he got to talk to them for the first time in years, he cried after he got off the phone telling me about it.

Then came the big thing. He wanted stay together but wait for me to move back in until his court was over, because I was an alcoholic and I had current medical history and problems because of it. It caused a huge argument. I was so mad because he used to drink worse than me to the point he's thrown up blood and had the shakes when he quit drinking. I felt like it was unfair. I didn't want to not be with him when I got out of the hospital even though he said he'd visit me at my mom's or rehab. We fought about it every day for two weeks, he kept telling me to grow up and his kids come first, if it was the other way around he would do it no questions asked so I could get my son. And he would have, I know that. He worked and took care of me for a year while I spent all his money and got sick, he even gave me sponge baths in the hospital and called my son so I could talk to him because he thought I was going to die.

Like I know I was beyond stupid but I told him if I had to stay somewhere else we were breaking up. It's always worked before when I wanted to get what I wanted but this time he just said fine. He told me to do what I wanted then and that I could be single since I always threatened it and he didn't have time to deal with this right now. Honestly I didn't know what to do. I was mad, he always just let me have my way (and he probably shouldn't have) and I didn't know what to say. The last thing he told me was that he's sorry and he really loves me but he couldn't do this right now and he hopes I stay sober. It's been four months and I'm in sober living, but I don't have a job and I haven't found a new place to stay. He still asks my mom about me and he hasn't found anyone else, he has his kids back and they're all doing good.

I'm happy he's doing good, and his kids are safe now. I just wish I was there. I miss him, I miss how he would always hold me when I didn't feel good or how he made me dinner after he got home from work. I miss his kids and I wish I could hug them all one more time. I miss how he would smile whenever I pulled his hair out of his face or rubbed his chest. I want to talk to him so bad but I have him blocked on everything because he told me to lose his number and that he didn't want to see me again after our last fight.

He always told me that he's never felt like he did about me with anyone, he took me back after I left him for someone else for a year when his ex ran off with his kids. I messed up so much with him and I never deserved how great he treated me. I've never had that before. Breakfast in bed when we didn't work, flowers whenever he got paid, presents just because he wanted to, watching my favorite shows I know he hated and pretending he loved them. I bitched at him all the time about stupid stuff and he always stayed. He held me and rubbed my hair when I was so mad at him I punched him and gave him a black eye. I just took it all for granted he would always be there. I always thought because he loved me he would stay no matter what. I didn't deserve him. I tried to make him pick between me and his kids. Everyone in the world telling me how bad I fucked up won't ever make me feel as bad as the look on his face when we broke up, like it was the hardest choice he made. He always told me that the only things he wanted was a family, a house, and a wife that loved him. I always wanted someone to be there no matter what and he was doing that. I just got emotional and angry during my withdrawals and I took it out on him.

There were times I treated him so bad and he just took it. I'll never find something like that again. I didn't deserve it the first time. He deserved better. He told me he hopes I get better and that I do better in my next relationship and that I find someone that treats me how I want to be treated. Who says that after someone breaks up with them? I just hope he finds someone that can be what he wants them to be and treats him as great as he treated me. I'm going through these steps and talking about all of it in group and I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I just wish I could apologize and tell him how sorry I am, but that won't fix anything. I just have to try and get better and be better. He's the one person I can't talk to during step 9. I don't deserve him forgiving me.

TL;DR I tried to make my boyfriend choose between me and his kids by giving him an ultimatum that I would break up with him. It backfired and I realized I was immature and treated him like shit weeks after we broke up. I feel like I'm missing an important part of me now, and I don't think I'll ever be the same person after this.