TIFU by not throwing away old journal entries and my wife reading through them.

So I wrote these entries at the beginning of the month. Honestly, what I wrote down wasn't good at all. It was about her sister (B) who lives with us. I wrote down that I am starting to catch feelings for B and that I need to get rid of these thoughts I have about B. It all started when we started going out to the club more and B was looking more attractive in my eyes. I knew this wasn't right and it had bothered me for a couple of weeks. So I thought, "Why don't I just write down how I am feeling and then get rid of it." It seemed like a good idea at the time but the issue was that I had procrastinated with throwing the trash away that I had these entries in.

So now this brings me to this weekend, I go out to the store to get some hashbrowns because that's all we were missing for breakfast. When I left I could see that my wife seemed a little different but sometimes she is just in one of those moods. When I got back, I just saw her bawling as her whole world had just fallen apart. I put what I had inside and try talking to her to see what had happened. Then she tells me "You like my sister?". I couldn't even lie about it, I knew immediately how she had found out and I didn't even bother coming up with an excuse. I just had to reassure her that they were just thoughts and not anything I would ever act on.

I love her to death and she is the most beautiful person in the world but I fucked up. I should've just kept those thoughts in my head. I was never going to act on them. I could never do that her. Even if by chance I did, her sister and her are so locked in, I know she wouldn't go for it anyway. I feel like such a piece of shit even if I didn't necessarily do anything psychically. I know she is going through a lot with work and the baby we just had. I watch out baby and take care of the house, while I also go to school. Her sister B helps out a ton with watching our baby as well.

I am starting to realize that maybe the feelings I was feeling weren't what I thought they were. I have always been annoyed by her sister but I think me starting to like her isn't the like I thought it was. I am just starting to like her as a person but at the end of the day I did say other stuff about B in my entries. B is attractive and I don't think that'll ever change for me but it's not to the point that I would cheat with her. B and my wife are literally twins with just different skin tones and a few years apart. I don't think she should be too offended that I find her attractive.

I think it could be how she is feeling since she just had the baby. I would never cheat on this woman. I am not trying to boast but I've been to the club with my friends and have had woman ask for my number and refused to give it to them. Weird how that happens when you are taken but that's besides the point. I don't rea;;y know where I was going with this but it just sucks that I hurt her. I might've made some excuses on here about the situation but I would never make any excuses to her. I think how she is feeling is valid and all I can do is love her harder until we can move on from this or until it keeps bothering her to the point we just need to separate.

We are planning to go to couples counciling because there were other issues bought up like about me not taking her on dates anymore. I still try my best to bring her new flowers every week and stuff like that but I start focusing on one issue and another pops up. I can never keep everything right. I am not even mad or anything, yeah that stuff was private but I just want her to be okay and know I only love her.

TL;DR: I left journal entries about liking my wife's sister in the trash. Wife goes through trash and finds entries, not good.

Just adding that all three have been hanging out together since late July early August. I didn’t really feel this way till mid October when we when out to the club. I wrote things down trying to sort through my thoughts. Write down how I feel and throw it away. Let it go and move on. Unfortunately that didn’t happen.