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TIFU by losing my cellphone at the grocery store

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TIFU by trying to socialize at work and accidentally summoning the spirit of awkward small talk

So I’ve been working at this job for a few months, and up until now I’ve been perfectly content existing as a mysterious desk goblin. I eat lunch at my desk, wear my headphones like social armor, and smile at people in the hallway like I’m in a hostage situation. But today I thought, “No more! I’m gonna be social. I’m gonna be Normal and Chill and Likeable™.”

Huge mistake.

There were a few coworkers chatting by the coffee machine, laughing about their weekend plans. I summoned all my courage and walked over, ready to casually slide into the convo like a cool girl in a rom-com.

Instead, I said:
“Nice weather we’re having, huh?”

Why did I sound like someone’s uncle making small talk at a funeral?

They all kind of paused. One person smiled politely and said, “Yeah, finally some sun,” and that’s when my brain panicked and decided to go FULL ROBOT. I followed up with:

“Perfect temperature for human skin.”

Human skin. Not people. Not us. HUMAN. SKIN.

Silence. Someone coughed. I think I heard someone’s soul leave their body.

Trying to save it, I pivoted (badly) and asked, “So… anyone have… hobbies?”

HOBBIES. Like I was conducting an icebreaker for a middle school summer camp.

One girl said, “I do yoga,” and instead of just nodding like a normal person, I said, “Wow, bendy.”
Bendy.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I quietly backed away like I was fading into a bush, Homer Simpson style. I’ve now reassumed my final form: Quiet Desk Goblin with a deeply haunted look in her eyes.

TL;DR: Tried to socialize at work for once, said “perfect temperature for human skin” and called someone “bendy” for doing yoga. Currently seeking witness protection.

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