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TIFU by grabbing my taxi driver’s balls

Important information: I walk using a stick, so I only ever have one hand free at once.

Anyway, today I had multiple errands to run at various stops along the Antrim Road, so rather than waste my whole day waiting for a bus for 15 minutes to the next stop every time (since I can’t walk far) I decided to just book a taxi with multiple stops. Pharmacy, Iceland, the Lodge, the doctor… and the fateful Post Office.

Me and the driver had a grand old time chatting (in Ireland we generally sit in the front seat beside the driver and chat away for the whole trip.) We had a laugh about all the Irish signage controversy nonsense, sang along to the radio after I expressed my opinion that the song was “a certified banger”, and he made cracks at me every time I took a wee while at one of the stops “Youse busy chatting up all those young men were you? Sure you were, I see it all over yer” (in Belfast, mockery and sarcasm is kind of our love language if that makes sense.)

So, we finally get back to my wee house, and as I’m getting out the car with my stick the driver gets out and starts helping me by handing me bags. Lastly, he holds out the fateful cardboard shipping box (which was about the size of a large shoebox) and I reached under it to grab it and balance it over my arm (my view obscured by the large box) and instead grabbed… something else.

The worst part is, I DIDN’T LET GO STRAIGHT AWAY. Somewhere in my mind I just went “hmmm, this doesn’t feel like cardboard” and squeezed it. Then in one horrific moment, I realised exactly what was happening. I was unwittingly groping a Value Cabs driver in front of half the street (which means it’s already all over the New Lodge…) 😩

I whipped my hand back like it was on fire and apologised over and over and over as the taxi driver laughed hysterically, saying “Ach, it’s fine love, most action I’ve seen in years so, although sure I still can’t let you off the fare”, waiting for a hole in the ground to open and swallow me up.

In the end I just grabbed the parcel and fled to cringe in the privacy of my own apartment.

TL;DR: Made friends with my taxi driver during long trip down the Antrim Road, picked up a lot of stuff including a large box from the post office, and accidentally grabbed the taxi driver by the balls trying to take the cardboard box from him.

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