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TIFU by going to the bathroom at a nature preserve

So today I confirmed what my response is to the life long question of “are you a fight or flight person?”

I’m sitting at this random nature preserve waiting to pick up my younger brother (10), and I realize I have to pee like… aggressively. Like this is not a “wait another 30 minutes” situation. This is a “decisions are about to be made” situation.

I look around and there is nothing out here. No buildings, no people, it was basically just an open field on the side of a busy streets right before the woods, where you can park to wait to pick up the kids. At the time it was just me, my poor choices, and one suspiciously lonely porta potty sitting in the distance like it’s been waiting for me specifically.

So I’m like, you know what? In and out. Quick mission. What could possibly go wrong.

I sit down, minding my business, everything is fine. I’m thinking I made a great decision.

Then.

I reach for the toilet paper.

As I unfurl the roll time slows down and the next moments literally happen in slow motion. I entered an alternate universe where everything is in 6 FPS.

Inside the container, like it pays rent there, one the toilet paper IM HOLDING, is the biggest wasp I have ever seen in my entire life. I’m not talking normal wasp. I’m talking this thing had a family and a 401k. I genuinely thought it was a tarantula when I first saw it.

It looks me dead in the eye and I immediately loose every ounce of composure I’ve ever had.

I jump up so fast I don’t even remember standing. Pants? Down. Dignity? Gone. Survival instincts? Fully activated and laser focused on getting as far away from this porta potty as i possibly can.

I unlock the door, fling it open, and SPRINT out of there like I just escaped Alcatraz —pants still down, zero thoughts, just pure fear and the potential to equally traumatize 30 fourth graders.

I sprint back to my car as I’m pulling up my pants and immediately call my mom to tell her what just happened only to find out I’m at the wrong nature preserve.

TL;DR

Desperately used a random porta potty, discovered a massive wasp living in the toilet paper mid-use, panicked and ran out with my pants down—only to realize I was at the wrong location the entire time.

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