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TIFU by being a poo chucking monkey

This didn’t happen today, but when I was about 18.

Some friends and I went to a mutual friend’s place for a little get together. I barely knew the guy (friend of a friend type situation), but whatever. We start drinking, and at some point his roommate pulls out mushrooms.

Now, being a genius 18-year-old who had already been drinking, I decided that taking a nice casual 5+ gram cap was a fantastic idea.

We go for a walk and at first everything is great. You know, classic stuff—colors look cool, everything feels funny, vibes are high. Then about an hour in, I am GONE. Like my friends’ faces are melting and rearranging themselves kind of gone.

We end up outside a gas station, and this is where my brain fully disconnects from reality. I become convinced that life is basically a video game with levels, and if you do something you’re “not supposed to,” you unlock powers. I’m talking flying, time travel, all that.

So obviously, the logical next step…

I take all my clothes off.

Because yeah, that’s definitely how you unlock flight.

And then I black out.

After that it’s just random clips like a badly edited movie. At one point I remember seeing cops wheeling some crazy naked guy into a hospital, and I’m watching it like “damn, that guy is having a rough night.”

Spoiler: it was me. I was the guy.

Next thing I know, I’m waking up super groggy and there’s this nurse asking me my name and where I am, but she looks like a humanoid pig. So now I’m thinking, “cool, I’ve been abducted by pig people,” but I’m way too out of it to do anything about it, so I just pass out again.

I wake up again later and my mom is standing there holding my clothes. That’s when it hits me that I’m in the psych ward of the hospital, not a pig spaceship.

Fast forward to getting home. My stepdad looks at me and goes, “How you feeling, ya poo chucking monkey?”

And I’m like… excuse me?

That’s when I find out that while I was in the psych ward, completely out of my mind, in a room with nothing but a toilet… I apparently decided that after taking a shit, the best possible use of it was to pick it up and redecorate the room.

Walls. Floor. Full commitment.

So not only did I get arrested naked outside a gas station, I also turned a hospital room into a crime scene that I’m sure someone else had to clean up.

18-year-old me really thought he was about to unlock superpowers.

Instead I unlocked a lifetime ban from dignity.

FML.

TL;DR: Took way too many mushrooms, stripped naked trying to “unlock powers,” got taken to the psych ward, and while there decided to finger paint with my own shit.

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