TIFU by telling an ex we could get married

So this didn’t happen today but about a month ago.

In 2017 I dated this guy, S for about 3 years and we “broke up” around June 2020. I say “broke up” because I ghosted him because he was stationed in Japan and I had just moved out of our home state. I just didn’t want to have the hard conversation. Well over the last 6 years I’ve gotten a couple of drunk texts with him but I was in a not so great relationship at the time and just blocked him(he got 2 different numbers because of moving around). Well, in the last drunk text he sent me in 2024, it was a voice message from him along the lines saying “I’m sorry for whatever it was I’ve done and I know it’s bad to reach out like this but I just wanted to let you know I’m sorry and I’ll never contact you again”. I ignored the message per usual but didn’t block him this time to see if he’d actually keep his word.

Last year I finally got out of my toxic relationship and he stole my phone so I got a new one and I got a job opportunity in another state and I took it. Well in November, I was on instagram and saw S’s profile in the recommendations. I was a little drunk and requested to follow him just to see what he was up to. Well he accepted the follow request and followed me. He didn’t message me which I guess that meant he kind of kept his promise to never reach out. Well, after I looked over his profile I saw that over that last 6 years he’s traveled the whole world while I was stuck in some shitty relationship avoiding him because I didn’t want to have the conversation.

Well a couple of days later, I saw S as a recommended friend on Snapchat and added him. He added me back and didn’t say anything. Well, middle of the night on thanksgiving I guess he’s driving and he sends me a video on Snapchat saying how he’s dumb because he decided to drive 8 hours the day before thanksgiving, only got 3 hours of sleep then decided to drive back on Thanksgiving night. I left it on read because I didn’t know how to respond. Well, a couple weeks after that I was in a group video chat on Snapchat with my sister, cousin, and their boyfriends. I don’t have my boyfriend on Snapchat so I added S to it instead, it was late at night and he didn’t answer.

Well about a month after that(mid January) he responded to my story of some Red Bulls and said that the blue one was the best one. I responded with “my number is _____” and he texted me 8 ball and I FaceTimed him. I was in the car with my friend and I started adding a couple more people to the call. After about 5 minutes he didn’t say too much and said that he was going to bed for work. Around middle of February I called him on a Saturday night and we talked for about an hour but not about anything serious. He asked why I added him to that “confusing Snapchat call” and I told him it was because I didn’t have my boyfriend on my Snapchat.

Well we keep talking on the phone a couple times a week and neither one of us brings up me ghosting him which I guess is easier on me if he doesn’t want to have the conversation. Then middle of March we’re talking on the phone and I bring up "do you remember asking me to marry you” and he says “yeah but obviously shouldn’t have asked” I tell him “I really did consider it for a while but we were both really young and your cousin was trying to tell me that you didn’t actually love me and was trying to flirt with me”. S was like “yeah he does that to every girl I’ve been in a relationship with” then changed the subject. After we got off the phone, he sends me a screenshot a girl sent him from 2021 between her and his cousin with his cousin saying “Oh between me and you he don’t like you. And why does everyone think he’s sooo much cuter than me? I’m just the ugly piece of shit he hangs out with. Fuck (his cousins name), he’s ugly!”

I responded to his text with “that’s why he messaged me we could’ve been married” he responded with “true but oh well I guess🤷‍♂️” and I replied with “I do want to get married and have kids so if my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married and have kids anytime soon then I will let you know. I know we’d get along” he just responded with “sounds like a plan 🤝” and I said “wait really I’m serious” and he said “sure why not” and then changed the subject and asked me what kind of quesadilla he should get at Taco Bell. I said steak then sent “keep me in mind” and he said “always” and I said “I would marry you” and he said “definitely prefer steak most of the time” I then said “I’m with my boyfriend right now but I’ll definitely let you know” and he responded with “I’m happy with an open line of communication just don’t ghost me for 6 years🫩 might accidentally leave a drunk voice message or something”

Well we continued talking on the phone here and there but lately I’ve been ignoring his texts because honestly I was just bored with my boyfriend at the time and I’ve been super busy so I haven’t really had time to text him back over the last 2 weeks and I don’t know what to say to him even if I did text back. I don’t know how to let him down softly since he clearly still has feelings for me and I somewhat to for him but I also love my boyfriend.

TL;DR: I reconnected with my ex that I ghosted 6 years ago even though I have a boyfriend and told him I’d marry him if my boyfriend and I ever broke up. Now I’m in this phase of wanting to continue talking to him but also knowing that I shouldn’t.

Edit: hey guys this is actually S. Tried posting on r/realtionshipadvice and it got removed immediately so I decided to post on here from her point of view to get advice. Truth is I really do love her but I know she’s a shitty person when it comes to this. Everything that I posted in the TIFU is accurate to the best of my knowledge(her best friend told me that she told her she was bored of her boyfriend when I was showing her the texts). I’m going to do what I said in that voice message I sent two years ago and never talk to her again. It sucks but honestly before she started talking to me again I hadn’t thought about her in like a year and I was genuinely happy. Maybe me posting this from her POV was toxic from me but I wanted people’s honest opinion about the situation, thank you everyone for the feedback.