TIFU by texting my crush

I even tho I’ve heard from people I want to get as many responses and perspectives as possible so please don’t be shy to share your thoughts

This is a long story but bear w me

So there’s a girl I’ve really liked who now likely hates me and it’s destroying me. We met last fall for our first semester of college. We were randomly introduced and she would constantly ask me to hang out. One time going w her high friend to get ice cream, one time inviting me to a sleep over her friend was holding a random weekend, sometimes studying w her friend in the library but usually grabbing dinner together. We texted everyday and I loved being her friend. There were even times where she would talk about vulnerable things like telling me when she got diagnosed w depression and I was the first person she told about it. She also was taking to the hospital one day and was diagnosed w a heart condition. I had checked in on her every day she was in the hospital and the day she went home I didn’t text her but she chose to text me. I was leaving the college after that semester to go to a better one that I got a spring admission to. She’s known this and has even been the one who had asked me the most out of everyone whether I decided if I for sure would switch school or if I’d stay because I was never fully sure. I did end up switching colleges.

There was a time where she was pretty distant at the end of the semester. At the end of the year she made a spam insta account where she only added like 20 of her closest friends including me. On new years she texted me a whole paragraph and said some stuff about if I might have liked her but she wanted to stay friends and I kinda played it off and tried to pretend like I didn’t.

During this new spring semester i was pretty confused. During the first two months neither of us texted or interacted in any way. However, she would remove and re add me from her spam account. I never knew why. Eventually I texted to see if we were still good without mentioning the removing and stuff and she said yeah, that it was good to hear from me and that I could text her any time and that. We did end up texting a couple times in the next few months. During spring break I was going to be visiting her college to reconnect w a bunch of friends I made there. I decided to shoot my shot cuz if she said yes we would have the chance to hang out. She basically said no but that she’d love to stay friends. Sucks but what can you do. When I showed up to the campus I posted a picture of the entrance to let people there know I was visiting and a bunch of my friends from there would text me to meet up while we could. She saw the post and even replied saying “ain’t no way”. I was kinda confused and just said yeah I’m visiting for the day. She just said “oh fire”. Confusing for me cuz she never replies to any of my stories and she never asked to meet up or say hi or anything while I was there.

Next month I was added back on her spam. (She would add and remove me a few times during the first couple months of the year but at the end I just stayed removed). When I was added back I noticed her most recent post was kinda seeming like she might have started dating someone. Hurts. Like a week later ended up posting a shirtless pic showing a weight loss I had gone through in like the past year and she kept viewing it for some reason. On both her main and spam, between both days it’s active, she viewed it at least 4 times for some reason. Over time she kept making posts and I did see a few more w that same guy and she did seem to be kinda dating him.

When my semester ended I decided to text her. It was a long paragraph saying a lot. Mainly saying that I didn’t think I could stay friends anymore. I also did call out some of those things I previously mentioned that I thought was strange but said I didn’t need any sort of explanation and just wished her the best and everything. Idk what I expected but the only response I got was her liking the message and removing as a following on her spam and main. That’s it. It kinda drove me crazy and a few hours later I texted her saying I kinda expected a goodbye but it’s fine and that I wished the two of them the best. Again she just liked the message. I woke up the next day to realize I was blocked on her main. That kinda hurt. Again. After a few days I made a mistake. It drove me kinda crazy that I never got a response, that I never got explanations, and that I still really cared about her. I texted her on her spam which I wasn’t blocked from. Ik I shouldn’t have and I feel really bad but I really missed her. It was a paragraph I also shouldn’t have said. It wasn’t like the first one just saying that the situation wasn’t working for me but it was vulnerable and admitting how I really felt. I mentioned things like how much I missed her, that I felt blessed to even know her, and that I loved her. Ik I shouldn’t have said that and that I shouldn’t even feel that way because we never even dated. She did respond. She thanked me for the kind words but said that she was happy w someone and that she would appreciate it if I respected that. I never felt so bad. I apologized for everything and said I wouldn’t message her but just asked her how she got over her depression cuz from everything I kept seeing in her spam she seemed to be really happy and I also was struggling w depression (which she had already known). She sent me a couple paragraphs explaining how she had been dealing w it and even mentioned things like journaling about how she felt (which I had told her when she told me about her depression so I was happy that I was able to help her even just a little). After that I then apologized again for hurting her and promised she wouldn’t hear from me. I was understandably blocked on her spam the next day. That relationship she was in lasted a total of about 1 month.

I had been going to a therapist for my depression for the last half of the semester and was put on an antidepressant that I had been taking everyday. About 2 or 3 weeks after the two of use cut ties I attempted (if yk what I mean). It wasn’t just because of this situation but many other things that were happening recently as well. I tried overdosing on the same pills that were meant to help me. It obviously didn’t end up working and I didn’t even get any side effects despite the amount I took. I had posted a s note on my story saying goodbye to everyone, apologizing for anything I had done, and stuff. Many people had reached out and even a girl I barely knew from that first college did and gave me her number if I even wanted to talk. I removed the story after about 30 mins of it being up because I didn’t feel like I was saying goodbye and just scaring those that did care about me. In the next couple days/weeks that girl I didn’t know well had texted me a few times either checking in on my summer or saying that she really cared about me. Now it’s the next fall semester and I still can’t get that first girl out of my head. It destroys me for no reason. I’ve never felt so grateful to have met someone but also wished I never had never met them at the same time. I don’t go to therapy cuz I realized it didn’t really help me, I would just end up repeating the same stuff with nothing changing, and I even felt a bit worse having to remember everything every time I met w my therapist. It’s just not for me. Now that’s it’s a new semester I’m trying to just move on and forget about everything but at the same time I wish she would just reach out once and I hate myself for the way I handled things and for falling so easily. I don’t know what to do and I can’t go a day without thinking about her and have my heart hurt remembering everything. Sometimes I wonder if she even remembers or just forgot about me as some random dude she was friends with

I Idk why I feel so strongly, what I can do to fix it, or anything. I just feel stuck w this burden. Is anything that happened here normal when trying to date someone or can anyone understand what was going that can give me advice?

TLDR: I texted my crush that had rejected me after she blocked me on her main because I was really hurt by the fact that we were really close friends and I never got explanations to a lot of stuff that happened between us