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TIFU By Drinking Half A Gallon Of Pickle Juice

I’m a die hard pickle fan. Loved them since I was a little kid. A few years ago, I learned that pickle juice is sold by the liter/gallon. On occasion I’ll do the little pickle shots you can find at almost any chain grocery store. I mentioned it to a buddy of mine and then forgot the conversation pretty much as soon as it ended.

She didn’t forget.

I was having a really really bad day today. Marital bickering, nothing seemed to go how I wanted it to, generally in a nasty mood. This evening, my friend sends me a text. It’s a photo of 3 gallon bottles of pickle juice. Of course, I drop everything and rush over.

She’s waiting on her front porch. I dump the little bit of soda left in my Taco Bell cup and approach. She quietly ushers to the 2 bottles. After fumbling with the seal, I give up and stab it with my key. We lock eyes. I start pouring. The entire large cup. My only words? “I had a bad day.” Her only words? “Would you like tequila with that?”

I decline and we hang out for a bit. I’m loving on her pets, we’re shooting the shit and venting about our week. As good pals do. I top off the cup without thinking. Unsure how many times. End the visit and return with 2 gallon bottles of pickle juice. I shove the opened one in the fridge.

It’s half gone.

I do not recognize the mistakes as it’s been a year since I last ate pickles.

In case you were unaware, for many people, pickles and especially the juice can act as a laxative.

Everything was fine at first. I’m not fine anymore. I have trust issues with my own body. I have the window AC unit going. It’s 62 degrees in here and I’m still sweating. Tomorrow I spend the entire day at a location where the only restroom options are portajohns. I’m miserable. I’ve drank so much water and still feel dehydrated. All I can smell is pickles and the air freshener.

I should hold regrets. I should have learned a lesson from all of this. Truth be told, I have not. Even penguin waddling at max speed, I’m creating plans in my head to bring my jug of emotional support/trauma pickle juice with me tomorrow. Wisdom chases me, yet I waddle faster.

TL;DR I drank half a gallon of pickle juice without thinking. Paying the price. Learned nothing. Will absolutely do this again.

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