TIFU My wife has worn me down.

Hi, I apologise in advance if this is all a bit jumbled, and if there’s anything you don’t understand, please let me know in the comments. So, my name is Wald, I’m 28, and my wife, Ann, is also 28. We’ve been married for two months, but we’ve been together for eight years. Right up until yesterday evening, I was living my usual life: home, work, home. We didn’t argue often, but as happens with everyone, it was rather unpleasant, especially on my part. I won’t hide the fact that at times I’m a right arse; I’m passive-aggressive during arguments, though I’d never lay a hand on her. But quite often I insult her, hurt her feelings and swear at her. Not because I’m a piece of shit or get a kick out of it, but because, as often happens, she doesn’t really hear me; it’s as if I’m just banging my head against a brick wall, and I can’t take it anymore. When I ask, ‘Why are you behaving like this?’ ‘Do you like it when I’m so angry, is that why you push me to the absolute limit during an argument?’, the answer I get is: ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Well, that’s just how I am.’ And in 99 per cent of our arguments, the decision always falls to me; Ann agrees with it, and we just carry on with our lives. I start the conversation, I look for a way out for both of us, I try to make peace (as if with myself, thinking, ‘Maybe she’s understood now?’). But yesterday was a particularly bad night of arguments, where I was completely broken. Once again, after I’d been ‘ignored’, she said I was overcomplicating things, that I was taking on too much, but when I asked, ‘What exactly, and when?’, she replied, ‘Nothing, and never’. Yes, yes, that was exactly her answer: ‘nothing and never’. I’d just gone to bed and completely broke down, as if that was the last straw – I was finished. I turned round and, completely losing control, burst into a fit of hysteria (which isn’t like me at all), shouting, ‘I’m fed up with you not even trying to listen to me; you hurt me as a wife and as a girlfriend when you refuse to understand me; I’m fed up with having to sort everything out for both of us whenever we argue; I’m fed up with having to initiate the reconciliation and banging my head against a brick wall, which hurts me.” After that, I bawled for over half an hour, not understanding what was happening to me; I was simply everything I was at that moment, however strange that might sound to you. She immediately leaned over me and started stroking me to calm me down, crying herself, as she’d never seen me like that before in all the time we’d been together. After a good long hysterical cry, I calmed down, turned over, pulled the covers up and lay there staring at a single point, when, quite unexpectedly, I started having a panic attack. I started breathing rapidly, my palms began to go numb, and I just broke down again in hysterics and tears, but I can hardly remember anything. I remember feeling awful and starting to choke with pain in my chest, and then I fell asleep, though I don’t remember how – maybe I just blacked out, who knows. And so, when I woke up in the morning, I realised I was a nobody, and I didn’t want to talk to her at all – not like before, but differently, as if I didn’t know her, as if I were alone. There’s just a void inside; I’m not answering calls or texts, and I have absolutely no desire to see or hear from her.

TL;DR:

So, is that it? Is this really the end, or am I just getting myself worked up, as my wife says, and will I go back to being the way I was before – loving her, hugging her, missing her, wanting to see her? Because right now, I just feel empty.