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TIFU by calling my grandpa

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TIFU: Spent $250 on cab rides for the worst blue balls of my life. Might've actually dodged a bullet.

Back in college, I was on spring break and met this gorgeous girl at the bar in the hotel I was staying at. We ended up making out for probably an hour before she told me she needed to head home.

Being young, horny, and completely unfamiliar with the area, I offered to ride home with her and pay for the cab. She agreed.

We hopped in and immediately picked up where we left off. After what felt like an eternity, I finally came up for air, glanced at the meter, and saw $85 and climbing. Rapidly.

I asked the cabbie how much farther we had to go.

“About another 20 minutes. We’re almost there.”

Fuck me running. Well, I was already in deep so at this point, I had to lock in and fully commit.

Fast forward to when we finally arrive to an upscale courtyard with about 20 very nice condos. I paid the cabbie, and walked her to the front door which happened to be the largest, most aesthetically pleasing condo in the community. We started making out again about 10 feet from her door, and after a few more minutes I asked if I could come inside.

“No, not tonight. My parents are home.”

And just like that, she shut the door.

I turned around to discover that my fucking cab was gone.

So there I was, stranded in some random neighborhood, horny as hell, with absolutely no idea where I was. I had to call another cab to take me all the way back to the hotel.

Total damage: $250 in cab fares and the worst case of blue balls I’ve ever had.

But here’s where it gets interesting…

When I finally made it back to the hotel bar, I told the bartender what happened. He immediately recognized the girl and started laughing.

Turns out that her father was a full-bird marine colonel who had just returned from his THIRD tour in Afghanistan.

The bartender looked at me and said something along the lines of:

“Buddy, you’re lucky her dad didn’t catch you. Otherwise, you’d never have to worry about blue balls again.”

So yeah. Spent $250, didn’t get laid, and somehow still walked away feeling like I’d gotten a pretty good deal.

———

TL;DR: Met a gorgeous girl on vacation, spent $250 on cab rides hoping to get laid, got cockblocked by her parents, and later found out her dad was a full-bird Army colonel fresh off his third Afghanistan deployment. Went home with the worst blue balls of my life, but apparently dodged a much bigger problem.

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