greenmangostudio

Okay disclaimer this was a whiiiiile back, like a few years, but it just came to mind and I’m still shuddering from the long term cringe. So my bf and I had been in a relationship for sometime- he works away (oilfield job) so I really only see him person once or twice a month during his days off. To keep the “spark” and to make sure he doesn’t lose his mind, I send him sexy videos here and there. At this time I was still living with my parents and we were both saving to get a place together! Anyways, my man has been gone for about two weeks at this point, parents are gone, I’m home alone, so I know what to do, get sexied up, cute lingerie, set up the camera, slowly take it off and diddle myself, basically making him a solo porno. So I’m set up, spread eagle, doing my thing. When out of no where the door to my room SWINGS WIDE OPEN with reckless abandon, with my mother asking “Hey what do you think we should do for supp- OH MY GOD” and the door slammed shut. I marinated in the embar...

This literally happened a few hours ago. My wife just gave birth to our first child a few days ago. I’ve been helping out, but unfortunately, only one of us has the ability to run the milk bar, so to speak. So I’ve been doing all the housework and trying to keep her entertained between feedings. Well, I was reading her some Reddit stories and made the mistake of reading her this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/v0wcyu/tifu_by_traumatizing_myself_for_life_please_i_beg/? So my lovely, sleep deprived, hormonal wife,hears this and starts crying. The crying wakes up the baby, who does what babies do best and joins my wife in a group cry session. Two hours, a lot of consoling, and one poopy diaper later, all is quiet again. TL;DR: Told my hormonal wife a reddit story, made her and our newborn cry.

So basically, there's this girl we've started seeing each other lately, and just this weekend she agreed to come over and spend the weekend. So it's Friday, we go out and all and we come back at my home to chill a little bit and sleep. We've had a couple of glasses of wine, some sushi and we went to bed. We had great sex and the time has come to fall asleep. It must have been like an hour or so into sleeping when all of a sudden, a loud, machine gun-like sound wakes me up and I realise it's me. I had just released one of the strongest f@rts in my life, having my ass-chicks facing towards her of course, so I ridicule myself to the maximum. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't fucking sleep it over cause I thought that would be even worse given how loud my burst was, so I said something along the lines of "oh my stomach is absolutely destroyed" or something like that and went to the bathroom to release the pressure. No comments by the other side o...

As the title suggests, this has been happening over about the past week and I just realized today what has probably been going on. I have 2 water bottles that I cycle through. I’ll usually go a few weeks or even months (until now, I’ve learned my lesson) between washes because I put ONLY water in them. Anyways, since early last week I’ve been having random bouts of diarrhea sporadically. My college graduation was last Thursday, so leading up to that I figured I was just nervous and my body was reacting. Well I’m a few days past that now and it started happening again at work today. Whenever it happens, I start drinking more water because I figure I might be dehydrated and the diarrhea is furthering that. I went to go refill my water bottle late this morning at work and started to see some black “flakes” in my bottle. After further inspection, I realized there was a lot. I dumped out the water, rinsed it a few times, and filled it again. Still black flakes. Things finally connected i...

Looong time ago I was working at a relatively dirty job that involved both office work and work that made your clothes dirty, so everyone had work pants/uniforms that the company washed for us that we would change into if we needed to do the dirty work. I was an intern at this company, and the company didn't provide the uniform cleaning services to interns, and I didn't want to get *my* clothes dirty all the time so I usually borrowed someone else's uniform when I had to do dirty work. I'd just throw them in the general wash bin at the end of my day. My boss did almost exclusively office work and happened to have the same waist size as me, so we agreed that I would just use his uniforms. One day I get to work very hungover and found out that most of my day would be office work but would start with some dirty work. I, as usual, used my boss' pants while doing dirty work, then when I came back to the office just kept them on cause they didn't end up getting dir...

To start, I've known my girlfriend has body dysmorphia, but it usually does not bother her often. It's very rare when it does and when she does get upset, I comfort her, praise her and just make her feel better. In this instance I FU. My girlfriend loves games like Sims and has been mentioning that she wanted to play it, so I bought the game and downloaded it to surprise her. I made myself a sim that looked just like me and she said she wanted to make her own. Big mistake. She used her phone to capture her image and tried to make a sim with the same features. Because of her body dysmorphia she warped the Sims features and began bawling her eyes out at "how ugly she looked". I had to console her for an hour. I ended up making the sim for her and she was very happy with the result. She had a lot of fun picking out the outfits and accessories and didn't have any more issues. After taking 2+ hours to create 2 Sims, we ended up not even playing the game afterwards. ...

Yes, it’s true. No it’s not a bait. And I’m still suffering the consequences. Friday evening my partner and I engaged in some fun activities, while he decided to do me from behind I started feeling ill, then turning me around missionary I started feeling dizzy. He noticed and stopped and asked if I was okay, of course I said, must be my low blood pressure, I thought giving it a minute it would get better. Spoiler alert: it got much much worse. I started experiencing the worst vertigo of my life, I couldn’t move my head an inch, I just had to lie down on my back and try to breath. The entire room was spinning even though I wasn’t moving, even though I closed my eyes. I started feeling sick, and eventually ended up vomiting the rest of the night, while the room was still spinning, which made me vomit, it was an endless bad cycle. At last, I fell asleep, thinking it would go away in the morning like a fool. Ended up having to stay 7 hours in the emergency room, with what they called ...

I have been so careful. Call it what it is - I'm one of the few pple in 2022 still masking everywhere and using hand sanitizer where ever available. Yes I count, at the gym less than 5% have masks, at the grocery store less than 5% have mask, at the airport less than 5% have masks, at an arena only like 1% have masks. I haven't been on an airplane or traveled since pandemic started in 2020. Then this month, I finally decided to travel (for work), my first time traveling, again being super careful. Everyone I interacted with at work gets daily tested. Obviously can't test everyone in public areas. 2 days after I get back, immediately test positive for COVID, and I get hit hard even being triple vaxxed. Insane, I know friends/family who stopped wearing masks a year ago, have been on like 10+ vacations, 20+ flights, go out to eat all the time since 2021, and only caught COVID like once and it wasn't until like months after this behavior started. tl;dr first time since p...

I've been a powerlifter for a few years now. Whenever I go traveling for significant periods of time, I generally take some lifting equipment with me, including squat shoes, lifting belt, gym chalk, and protein powder. I should add that I don't really look like a powerlifter. I have no visible muscle and weigh like 95 pounds at 5'3''. So anyways my boyfriend and I are going through airport security, and he grabs me really rough and suddenly to get me out of the way of someone's swinging suitcase. I see TSA look at us a little more closely but don't think anything of it. Then we get stopped because our bags contain chalk and protein powder, so they needed to go through our bags. Note I'm wearing a crop top, and I guess it came up a bit while my arms were raised while going through security. There's a couple large bruises above my abdomen where I brace against my lifting belt while deadlifting. So the same TSA agent asks me to come with her, and on...

I have a pretty high spice tolerance and frequently eat the Korean fire noodles, sometimes with extra Korean chili flakes added to make it super spicy. I had a bowl today, before inviting a guy I've been casually seeing. He comes over and we get all excited. He loves oral, so I start sucking, and he's moaning, so I'm thinking he's into it, right? Well, his moaning gets louder and he starts pushing on my head, so I assume that means keep going, and go harder. So I do that. Finally, he yells "FUCK!" And pushes me away. He starts screaming at me that his dick is burning and what the fuck did I do to it? I was really confused, while he went to the bathroom to go see what was going on. And my eyes see the opened ramen pack in the kitchen trash bin, and I realize the spice/pepper must've still been in my mouth and probably burned him. He comes out cursing, asking me what the fuck was wrong with me. I apologized and explained I didn't realize my eating ra...

(This happened yesterday) My wife and I are on an anniversary vacation in Maui and we took a snorkeling trip on day 1. I’m not a fan of swim shorts with supportive mesh inside but my wife bought them for me and they look nice so that’s what I wore. We took a tour in a rigid hull inflatable boat out to another island and spent the morning snorkeling. Myself and some other people on the trip ended up riding on the side of the boat, bouncing on the inflatable tube as the boat bounced over the waves. At some point during the ride back to Maui my penis started burning. Like…really, really burning. The burning and stinging kept getting worse but there was no way to check on the situation since there was nowhere private on the boat, so I just endured the pain while wondering if I’d somehow gotten a jellyfish in my shorts. Once we docked in Maui I ran to a honey bucket to find out what the heck was going on with my dong. To my horror I discovered that salt crystals had been left behind on ...

So not really today, but a few years ago, I did this really dumb thing and even though it is not up-to-date anymore, I believe this is worth sharing for a bit of amusement: (Backstory) When I was an 11th-grade high school student, I hated shopping for deodorants as I would have to go to a different store than where I got my weekly groceries because that one didn't have the kind I liked. So I always bought a few of these deodorant spray cans at once thus having supplies for 3-4 months before having to go buy new ones. At that time, I discovered a new kind of deodorant that smelled better and so I started buying that stuff, but I still had 2 full and one half-empty can of the old kind laying around. I thought of ways to get rid of them. They explicitly write (in german though) "Only dispose completely empty" on the back of the cans. I didn't want to just spray it out into nature, assuming it wouldn't be good for the environment. (Prep-work) So I grab an old tow...

This actually happened about a year ago. I changed the names for privacy just in case. My wife’s step-uncle was widowed and got remarried. The woman he married has two daughters, and one of them, Lisa, moved back to near where we live because her husband, Brandon, an army vet, had been injured in a parachuting accident resulting in him becoming a paraplegic. The main reason for the move was there is a charity - the name of which escapes me - which builds handicap accessible houses for disabled vets and they were receiving one. Now, Brandon and Lisa have kids about the same age as our kids, so my wife’s step-uncle and aunt invited us over for dinner thinking it would be a great idea to introduce us to Brandon and Lisa with them being new to the area. I had spoken to our step-aunt before about Brandon and knew that he was previously in the army, how the accident happened, and that he struggled with physical pain from the accident and mental pain from being wheelchair bound. I should n...

Obligatory: This took place 10-12 months ago. I posted this image of a well-established cactus on a Facebook group dedicated to house plants. The post reads: “Any idea how to kill this cactus and make it look like an accident? My GF is going to be out of town for the weekend and I want it to be dead before she gets back.” The original intention was for the post to be seen by my (32M) girlfriend (28F), who maintains an impressive collection of exotic house plants and frequently participated in this group. The idea that anyone, or at least more than a few people, would take the post as anything more than a joke honestly did not really occur to me. Throughout the following several days I received hundreds of comments and numerous direct messages telling me that I was a monster, that killing this cactus was evil, etc. (There were also several actual suggestions on how to do this posted.) The next day my girlfriend, who had not seen the post, appeared confused asked me several differe...

I recently bought the family a whole pack of toilet paper which has 30-40 rolls bc my dad forgot his wallet at the store so I paid for it. My dad says he will pay me back the 25$ eventually which I doubt but regardless it’s for the family. So ik I most likely won’t see that money back. Our family is made up of 8 people parents siblings and moms parents and we have 3 bathrooms in total with parents having private bathroom and grandparents with their own (they provide their own paper) and me and 3 siblings share one bathroom. This morning I grabbed a roll from moms closet and she started berating me on why I’m grabbing another roll since we just grabbed one yesterday (I’m pretty sure it was 2 days ago) and she says that one roll is suppose to last one week for me and my 3 siblings. I told her “ok then what do you want me to do than?” and instead of answering she kept screaming at me about how and why I need another roll. I then responded with “I payed for this then why not pay me bac...

I live with my girlfriend right off the back 9 of a local golf course and any time her brother is golfing, he'll call and ask if we can make breakfast for their group. We love making it and the golfers are always incredibly grateful. Cut to this morning and her brother calls saying they had a dozen guys, so we start getting breakfast made. I had to run out to the store to get some fruit for it while the lady started on some breakfast burritos. We got everything ready just in time for the first group to roll up to the house so we brought everything out and made some small talk while everyone chowed down. One of her cousins was in that first group and asked to use the bathroom so I just directed him inside while we continued to talk with the group. Normally he's a pretty talkative guy, but when he got back he just hopped in his cart and got back to the course. I didn't think anything of it at the time until I had to use the bathroom myself later. The thing is, last night t...

So this morning I was at a market fair type thing in my local town. There are all sorts of stalls selling arts, crafts, food, clothing, you get the idea. Anyway, I'm walling through the stalls, and out of the corner of my eye, something catches my eye. 'FREE SAMPLES'. Immediately I hurry over to the stall as it seems like they are running out, and free stuff is free stuff right? So I pick it up and see that it is a little tub (50ml) of nettle soup. I put it in my pocket, and soon I go home. As I am walking home, I'm feeling a little peckish, so i decide to have a little taste of the nettle soup. I take of the lid, and give it a little smell. It smells awesome. I know the soup is cold at the moment, but I can't resit a quick taste. So I dip my finger in and lick the soup off my finger. IT IS DISGUSTING. LIKE COMPLETELY REVOLTING. I immediately start spitting it out into a nearby bush. I am in awe. How can something taste so bad? I rinse my mouth out with water fo...

TLDR: I Raised He** with Spectrum for 3 months Because my Internet Shut Off Every 30 seconds - 1 min 24/7 for 3 Months Straight until I discovered the problem was my security cameras were hacked I have Spectrum broadband Internet, and starting at the beginning of February, my Internet service started a constant on/off/on/off cycle. The internet cut out every minute (sometimes every 30 seconds), would stay off between 1-10 min, come back on, cut out again, repeat. It happened all day and all night without cease. Over the course of the last 3 months, I've called Spectrum complaining about their signal probably 30-40 times. They started off by sending technicians out. I was told "It's your Modem and router", so I replaced my modem and router 6 times over the 3 months. I replaced all ethernet cables. Once, they told me it was my wiring and that I had to hire an electrician to come to my home to run a dedicated, grounded line straight from the breaker box to the outlet ...

I was previously in a long term relationship where saying “I love you” was the norm. However I’ve tried my best to not use the word with the person I’m currently seeing - they’re just a cool friend. After sleeping with them, I was kind of doozy and accidentally said “I love you” - a bad habit! When I said this, they instantly started tearing up and started telling me that they love me too. I was about to explain that it was a mistake but they just kept cutting me off with phrases like “I’ve loved you ever since I saw you”, “Thanks for giving me a chance, I want to spend every waking hour with you” etc. I was super flattered but I’m just not that much into them! I became so confused in the heat of the moment I didn’t even clarify it. I’m planning to tell them the truth tonight and I have no idea how this will play out. TL;DR - I said I love you to a fwb but I didn’t mean it. Edit: I just texted him to meet me in person later on in the day 😬 he responded with “okay see you lat...

This happened a couple of years ago when me and my partner were about 6 months into our relationship. We were at a meal with friends and they asked if we had nicknames for each other. We didn't, so one of our friends said we should show how much we know about each other and give each other a name based on something we know they like. My girlfriend then says she guesses that makes me her little bird, as I love birds. Cute, harmless, some nice wholesome laughs. Now I knew my girlfriend liked butterflies, and there is a rare one she particularly loves so I thought I'd be specific and use that. She's also extremely shy and reserved so it's quite fitting in many ways. So the fuck up and the accidental double entendre only occurred to me the exact moment after I declared to the table that if her nickname is something she loves then hers must be Swallowtail. Suffice to say she was mortified as the table erupted with childish laughter and I had to frantically explain what ...

Obligatory this happened a couple of months ago. There was a series of car break-ins in my neighborhood. My car was hit, but none of the big money stuff was stolen. The interior was trashed but nothing was broken. The glove box was left open and the light inside being on all night caused my car battery to die, but the only thing actually stolen was my garage door clicker. This small device of would give someone access to the rest of my house with the push of a button. I locked the garage door from the inside, disconnected the box for it and spent $200 on a new car battery. I splurged just a little more because I needed the extra cold cranking amps with the super cold weather at the time. A month passed and I decided to start using the garage door again since nothing had happened and the thief had been caught. Hooked everything back up and unlocked it from the inside. Apparently my weak ass arms didn’t pull the lock out all of the way 100%. When I tried to open it, the garage door b...

Hello everyone first TIFU and it actually happened today. So back last year I got a really good Job for my age, early 20's and making alot more than people my age who dropped out of college usually do. So because of this I decided to get real nice gifts for Christmas for my whole family, everyone big things they've wanted for a long time. One was my father, who is big into racing and has wanted to go to the Indy 500 since he was a child. I looked online at the Indy 500 website and bought what looked like 2 really good to let's for the Indy 500, which is this coming Sunday. Now this is where the FU begins, me and and my dad are planning a huge trip for this starting tomorrow, Multi hour road trip and such, I thinking to be responsible, look to grab our digital tickets that should have been sent to me. I look on my emails, and dont really see it, I go to the website and come to find I accidentally bought tickets for the previous weekend and don't have any for raceday t...

So, having triplets is fun and rewarding. However, accidents are bound to happen and dear lord was this a doozie. The biggest of the 3 triplets (they are 3 almost 4) has about 5lbs on the other two. He’s much taller and much thicker. At night he’s been steam rolling around the room and ontop of them and attacking them with pillows and stuffed animals in what I can only describe as a toddler cage match like hell in the cell. The poor girls are defenseless against this onslaught and we had to do something. We have to keep their door locked otherwise they will escape at night and tear the house apart while we are sleeping. We never had this problem with our singletons. Just FYI, we leave NO hard objects in the triplet room as this would not end well at some point. The plan was we would convert our dining room complete with a solid door into his “big boy room” and keep the other 2 of 3 together. We tucked him in, put him to bed and left soon as he was asleep. Well, soon as we left, lik...

Before anyone says it, yes I know it's wrong to have sex in public spaces. All I can say to defend myself is that, as a horny teenager with no other options, you take what you can get. I was with my boyfriend, who I'll call Mark, in the farthest cubicle of the men's bathroom (I'm a woman), happily going at it, and I think I can hear steps outside, but I don't worry too much, since, you know, it is a public bathroom. And I think that between the elevator music and the walls and stuff they probably can't hear us. After we're both done, we get dressed. The escape plan was as follows: Mark would look under the door to check if there was anyone else in the bathroom, and when there weren't, he would exit and text me when it was safe to leave. So he looks, and when he deems safe, he stands up, opens the door, and leaves. I close the door after he leaves, but I thought I could see something just outside the door before I closed it. I immediately receive at l...

Throwaway account since my brother also uses reddit. TL:DR: I said something horrible to my spoiled nephew and my brother's wife after he got lost at the mall, hurt him, and I ruined the relationship with the rest of my family. My brother(30) and I(26) have been close ever since we were kids, but he knows I'm not available as a babysitter. I hate children, and I never intend to be a mother, but I know there's a difference between not wanting kids and being a jerk. Whenever I have to interact with a child, I still act polite and nice, but there's only so long that I can keep it up. Kind of like customer service. My brother knows this and he respects that boundary, and sometimes I help pay for or drive my nephew to babysitting or drop in day care when he needs it short notice, but that's as far as I go when it comes to child care. His wife(30) doesn't. She constantly treats me like the evil mother-in-law, which is ironic because she gets along really well with...

I was in the parking lot of the vet's office, waiting with my dog for his appointment. The car next to me had a man and two dogs, tinted windows that were cracked a few inches. A nurse comes out and towards his car, saying "Athena and Rocky? We're ready for you" The guy says "Okay, let's start with her and when she's done we'll switch" and he gets out of the car with the dog and goes inside. The other dog immediately starts barking and crying. I feel sad for him, so I roll my window down and loudly say "It's okay Rocky! He'll be back soon! You're a good boy, good Rocky!" and then I see a woman sit up and peer out over the tinted window at me with a really confused expression on her face. I really had thought Rocky was alone in there! So then I felt real awkward and I look at my dog and say "Good boy Rocky! It's almost our turn! Good Rocky!" like trying to cover up that I was talking to her dog? And then a diff...

So I just got home from this incident about an hour ago. Around the time when I'd known my GF, who we'll call "Sarah", for about 8 months, we had reached the point in our relationship where we wouldn't close the bathroom door all the way or hold in our farts. And a few weeks ago, she let one rip while I was relaxing on the couch at her place waiting for her to join me with popcorn as we were about to start another episode of GoT. (She had never watched it and wanted to watch it with someone who could explain things if she had trouble understanding.) I didn't think anything of it, but as she walked over, the odor followed her as if it was attached to her butt hole by a leash and this was a diabolical fart. It could peel wallpaper and cause plants to wilt. "Damn babe, what did you eat?" I chuckled, plugging my nose. Then the smell really hit her and she plugged her nose too. "Crap, I'm sorry, I forgot to take my pills at brunch after that ch...

I will be surprised if this actually posts. So, I have been aware of Reddit for years. I read things on it all the time and get good information and tips. Stuff about news, games, even random information that I just happen to need at the time that I end up at via a Google search. So I decide ok I am going to make an account. Of course I am not cool enough to think of a good username so I keep the random one given to me, maybe that is a part of the fu. I read posts on here daily since I have joined. I have for months. I decide ok, I think I finally have something good to post outside of a question or two about some computer stuff. I post it, and I am like awesome I did it. Look at me go, I hope someone thinks it is cool like I do and maybe this will be the start of me getting out of my shell as just a spectator of sorts. Check my messages. Apparently it got deleted. My account is too new? How new is too new. It didn’t tell me that. It also said I didn’t have enough Karma or whatever it...

I feel so stupid just typing this out but at this point, it's such a hilarious story to my friends. A couple of days ago, I got my paycheck and decided that it was time to delve in and get my dog a new collar even though I really didn't want to. His old collar fit him fine, it was just tearing from his recklessness when walking through our woods during his afternoon adventures, and he had torn off the reflective stickers. He's still a puppy so I knew there would be a growth spurt soon that would take up the last bit of use that collar had. However, his growth spurts had slowed down and I decide he was going to stay at 45(ish) lbs for at least the next month or two so I bit the bullet and bought one. I didn't want anything stylish for him to just ruin and have already decided that he'll be spoiled with stylish collars once he's done growing, so I grabbed a $5 bright orange collar that would ward off anybody still hunting on their land around our yard and went...

Okay, so disclaimer: I don’t “know” if I have lactose intolerance for sure, but I think I do. Right, so I decided to give up dairy for a little bit because I heard that can help with acne. I was very reluctant because I LOVE cheese and until I was 17 I’d pound through a gallon of whole milk in like two days. I used to be obese so I never really noticed (or cared) that I was bloated. I just thought everyone’s stomach expands when they drink milk. Fast forward to 2020: I lost 100lbs through a combination of running and intermittent fasting. I also gave up all beverages but water during this time. Eventually, after about a year with the weight firmly off, I loosened the reigns and reintroduced milk and coffee into my diet. Now, I’m at a point in my life where I care a lot about what goes in my body. I know I treated it like shit my entire life until this point, but I’m doing what’s right for it (mostly) now. I’ve also learned to take more pride in my appearance and decided to take care ...

I got a new number so as always, I commemorate the new anonymous number with a prank. I pretended to be an agent messaging my dad asking if he was aware of his daughter's travel plans to Ukraine in late June to join the resistance and become a freedom fighter-- which is so funny bc I'm a 100lb female and a girly girl who would never be able to fight in an army lol. Anyways I thought it was so absurd and totally unbelievable and that he'd laugh and know it was me, but he ended up contacting the FBI before even calling or speaking with me. Then I got in touch with him and he was livid, he asked if I was bored in life lol, and then he had to go tell the FBI agent that it was a misunderstanding and he was sorry for wasting their time. My agent name was John Burrows and I worded it so professionally. I told him that we were having trouble contacting him on his landline (he recently got rid of it) and that we received some concerning intelligence regarding his daughter and Ukr...

This is true TIFU because it happened earlier today. It was the last day of school for my elementary school kid. As we are getting ready for school he tells me that he needs to bring a beach towel to school today. They will be eating outdoors and he needs something to sit on. I have been pushing my kid to be more independent and to do things on his own. The beach towels are on the top shelf I tell him that there are plenty to choose from just get the stool, pick one out, and put it in the backpack. I should have been more suspicious on how quickly he completed the task. When I go to pick him up his teacher is escorting him. She asks me if I knew about the towel he brought. Confused I asked my kid which one he brought and he says the white one on the bottom shelf. I immediately turn red because the bottom shelf is filled with linens we never use including the dick towel my brother in law gifted my husband a few years back. I apologize profusely and return to my car to die of embarra...

I did it yesterday, but I just signed the write up. I'm in the UK. Because I know someone will cite US law. So yesterday in the office group chat, someone asked for something to be checked in one of our systems. Someone replied, having checked the thing requested, and made a pun on the name of the system. A debate ensued about whether puns were acceptable forms of humour. I told the story of the pun my son made when he found out I'd be working in telecoms. ("Make sure you tell the customer lots of Internet jokes! It helps them stay connected!") Collective laughter and groans ensued. People then began sharing their favourite "pun" jokes and wordplay. I replied with a joke from a webcomic, you're probably familiar. A guy said he could see right through his friend. The friend replied that his son had come out as trans. So that makes him "transparent." The intent wasn't to be transphobic in the slightest. It was a dad joke level pun on th...

TL;DR I went on a first date at a yoga studio and underperformed to say the least. Girl was not interested in my after that and said she was already seeing someone else. Matched with a girl (absolute smoke show) on a dating app and we spent a couple weeks trying to plan a date except both of our schedules just didn’t line up due to us going on different trips and our work schedules. Last minute she invited me to her local yoga studio and I figured fuck it, why not. Since starting my full time career I have not been nearly as active as I used to be and although I still look relatively fit, my cardio and overall endurance has really been in the shitter. Fast forward, I show up to this yoga studio after working in 100+ degree weather all day and come to realize this wasn’t just yoga, it was hot yoga. Within 20 minutes of starting the session, my clothes were absolutely drenched in sweat and trying to hold simple poses had my whole body involuntarily shaking from muscle failure. At the s...

This Saturday I ran the Gothenburg half-marathon "Göteborgsvarvet" in Sweden. Being a big lord of the rings fan, I ran it barefoot as an homage to Frodo and his gang. (I once tried walking across New Zealand barefoot but realized I had to put on shoes after some 140 km, still I walked big parts of the adventure hobbit-style. Point is I have toughened feet, or maybe I'm too stupid to feel pain correctly) It was great fun - I got so much encouragement from the other runners and people watching! While I popped a real bad blood blister after some 14 km/9 miles, my feet held up pretty ok. When I after 1 hour and 47 minutes reached the home stretch, I had a wicked runner's high, and sped up. "I can't let a damn barefoot guy beat me!" another runner said, and me being a person who acts before he thinks, started running as fast as I could towards the finish line - and straight into the back of another runner, basically just tackling her right at the finish li...

My FU happened 3 days ago and I’ve just now recovered enough to relive it. I got COVID for the second time over the weekend and by Monday I had lost all sensation of taste and smell. At the peak of the pandemic I’d joked with my brother in law about running a hot pepper gauntlet if I ever lost my sense of taste and smell from COVID because I heard you could handle spicy things. Mind you, I’ve always loved spicy things, but habaneros are usually the hottest I can go. So I started with those, because why not? And nothing. So I thought, let’s just jump right into one called the Death Spiral, which is hotter than a ghost pepper but not as hot as a Carolina Reaper. This is the moment where I think I can pinpoint where my fuck up happened. Nothing. No taste, no spice. So I IMMEDIATELY threw two Carolina reaper peppers down followed by about 10-15 pieces of habaneros and death spiral peppers. About halfway through, my body started to retaliate. I was sweating. I was numb, I felt like I w...

No honorary “this happened a few weeks ago,” I am sitting in a cafe parking lot trying to figure out what the fuck just happened last night. Background information: I downloaded Tinder to give men another go. Maybe if I adjust my age range and find someone a little older than me, I’ll find someone who’s better than average to mattress mambo with. Here’s where “Kyle” comes into play. We’ve been talking for a week. East coast transplant, Country-ish, truck driving, tattooed, physically fit, well groomed, busy with his career doing his own thing sorta dude. The second half of his descriptors are my type. I know, I know but your girl is desperate. He’s also a veteran. We get along over text, fun friendly banter, we FaceTime a few times and generally seem to (for a lack of a better word) vibe. Further into the week our conversation gets really flirty. We seem to have similar interests and the mention of a safe word comes up. Green flag. I’m okay with that. We both live a little outside o...

The Walmart lady from a couple of days ago made me remember this FU. Posting from a TA for obvious reasons. Obligatory, this happened a couple of months ago. I live ~10 min walk from the beach. Some Saturday morning I decide to go or a run there. Run 6k and then go to meet my wife, who has come to the beach as well. Then she wants to take a walk, the weather was nice, so I go along. 10 min into the walk I start to feel the "internal revolutions". We have some sort of code to tell each other whenever we need to take a dump. I sinalize that to her and she tells me to rush home. I try to run, but I am already too tired after the run from before and also the feel that I would start leaking poo anytime don't help. So I try to speed walk home. The problem is that the cramps waves are accelerating. Constantly I have to stop, concentrate, await for it to go away and resume walking. I do this a couple of times, but I can feel the pressure building up in. I pass by a couple o...

Today I started pumping gas and went into the station to use the restroom. As I returned I was writing up a very funny Facebook post and, chuckling at my cleverness, got back into the car, started it up, and drove forward confidently. There was instantly a starling BANG and a rumbling dragging noise behind me and I knew I had stepped in it big time. I got out of the car and stared in dismay at the hose of the gas pump dangling behind my car, attached to the handle which was still stuck firmly in my car. In my shocked panic I then proceeded to get back into the car and reverse to the pump, driving over the hose and snapping the handle off in the process. With a deep sense of shame I walked into the station, ready to receive an ear full and a big bill. Instead the gas station attendant thanked me for telling him. Apparently this happens about once a month, and most people just get out of their cars, remove the handle and hose, and drive away. I haven’t felt this relieved in a while. Al...

So this happened about 10 years ago now. For context, Me and my at the time girlfriend were both in High school at a boarding school with strict curfews and rules against the opposite sex being in your room. They would check your room every night at 10 to make sure everybody was present and where they were supposed to be. The building was 4 floors high and there was a security guard at night in the first floor to ensure everybody was staying in their rooms. The bottom two floors were reserved for the girls, the top two for the boys. So basically as long as you weren't placed in the first floor you could do what you wanted because the security guard would rarely walk around. Bear with me, this is important later. So I started dating a girl that I had known for some time. After a few weeks we started trying to sleep in each other rooms after curfew, but unfortunately she was in the first floor, and I was in the third floor. So she couldn't just come up after they checked all th...

So some background before I start, I'm a woman who is not the best at social cues. It's gotten better with age but it's been a learning curve. I have definitely improved since this happened. Also, I'm not a native English speaker so pardon any mistakes. This happened a long time ago when I was in university. I had recently moved and started my program, but was at the time visiting my sister in my home city.  It was in the evening and when my phone rang. It was from a guy in my class, we didn't know each other well but he always seemed calm, introverted and shy, but not in an uncomfortable way. I knew his mum died earlier that year and I felt bad about it so I always tried to be nice with him. So I answer the phone, he says who he is and I wait for him to explain why he was calling. So, after some mumbling he asks "I'm trying to find some porn, do you have any recommendations?" (Or something close to that - it was a long time ago). I obviously thoug...