greenmangostudio

So i’m the only male (34) in an office full of women, all of whom are older than me. I’ve worked here 3 months and noticed conversations stopping or changing when I enter the room, and lots of childish giggles. None of them really speak to me or include me in things which i’m fine with, I probably prefer it that way. But, curiosity got the better of me I suppose. So I turns out they don’t like my beard, or my clothes, and they especially don’t think much of my receding hairline either. Unsettlingly though, on one recording i’ve made over the course of the week two of the women closest to my desk were discussing my wife’s appearance after finding her on facebook. They were complimentary about her at least but the phrase “punching above his weight” was mentioned. Oh and also half of them thought I was gay because I don’t wear a wedding ring. So it turns out I work with a bunch of vapid, ignorant, moronic Karens. And I can’t confront them that i’ve recorded them because that would be a...

So this is mildly embarrassing, but I have to live with it, so you all might as well get a laugh out of it. Earlier today, I was hanging out with a friend - we’ll call him Ryan, because that’s his name. We were supposed to meet up to run some errands, and I texted him, meet me at the store real quick, I need to grab some chap’s stick. Now all my life, I genuinely thought it was two words, ike, a chap’s stick. A stick that belongs to a chap. It makes perfect sense in my head. Somewhere deep in my brain, that felt grammatically right. A chap (me) has dry lips. Therefore, I need my chap’s stick. I’ve been saying it that way for years, even to other people, but no one ever corrected me, so in my head, that’s how it’s always been, and in my defense, if you’ve never texted it, never typed it into Google, and only ever said it out loud, your brain just kind of fills in the blanks with whatever makes sense. Every time I reached into my pocket in winter, I pulled out my trusty chap’s stick....

This is a throwaway as he knows my real profile. This is kind of a long one, sorry! This was a few months ago but I can’t get it out of my mind. So I had posted in this sub about my relationship issues (has since been deleted in a moment of weakness (or strength? Idk)) and he commented on it. Originally it was pretty rude, and I make a point to try to respond to my comments, especially since a lot of people thought that post was AI. Anyway, we went back and forth in the comments for a bit. After a while he messaged me asking if he could have further clarification of my situation and we ended up talking for like four hours. He ended up being really kind and actually really comforting in a pretty difficult situation. I eventually gave him my number and we kept talking for days and days. At some point during this I had ended my relationship (NOT because of Reddit guy, just to be clear lol, my now ex and I had been having a lot of issues for a long while and I’d had enough) and Reddit G...

I was cruising down the highway at night, on my way to Vancouver. I was driving my new-to-me 2007 Montana EWB. Pretty much had the road to myself so I was taking it easy, coasting + engine breaking down hills, lazing along at 80kph on CC. Well, for some reason I thought my car would automatically turn off Cruise Control if I downshifted... Nope! I see my revs fly wayy too high, I panic, throw the shifter up, miss drive, miss neutral, and hit reverse . A squeal, then the engine goes into emergency shut off. Smelled like burnt clutch for almost an hour. Luckily everything seems fine now. I pray that will be the dumbest thing I will do in this van T_T Askibbity boo boo baa baa badabadoo character county doodeedoodoodoo deer jumped infront of me wow they are stupid good thing I was driving slow, im typing this at a gas station, TL;DR: I accidentally put my car in reverse while going 65kph down the highway, and burnt my clutch (+pride) a bit :3

I have issues with constipation due to medication and last night, I realized it had been a few days since I last had a proper bowel movement. The night before, I decided to take a laxative and see what happens. After the promised 12 hours passed and nothing, I went for the prunes. I don’t even like them but they’ve always done the trick. More hours gone by and nothing happened. It’s now late afternoon and I’m in pain. It hurt to breathe but I still couldn’t make it happen. I then remembered artificial sweeteners can have a laxative effect if you eat enough of it. Off I go to CVS and acquire a nice assortment of sugar free candy. I wasted no time chowing down. Not long after, I had a nice relieving poo, followed by a second one. I was so happy. Then, it all went wrong. I think everything kicked in at the same time. I couldn’t stop going. It was like I had prepped for a colonoscopy. The horrors persisted until I went to bed. I managed to sleep for about three hours before the final roun...

Inspired by u/birdandbear 's delightful TIFU story . Long, long ago at the turn of the 21st century, in the middle of my junior year of college, I decided I wanted to study abroad in Australia. Rather than do the smart thing that everybody else did and sign up for a package service run by a school in the US, I decided to raw-dog it and do all of the application and planning myself. The application part was fine; my school's registrar helped me package up my transcript and send it off to the University of Sydney, and they accepted me and all was well. The planning everything else part, though...did I mention I was a junior in college? This was not my strong suit. That's how I ended up flying as far around the world as you can go before starting to come back again without knowing what I was going to do or even where I was going to sleep when I landed. I had read, you see, that the University of Sydney helpfully maintained and staffed a service somewhere between an informat...

Okay, so this wasn't today. It was 1989, and I'd just turned thirteen. I grew up one block over from my elementary school, playing in its recess park almost every day. It was a great place to play, with monkey bars in cubes, a half-globe, and the straight ones where I broke my arm in 3rd grade. There was a tall, butt-scorching metal slide you could fry eggs on in summer (we did), as well as a shorter one for little kids, where we could flip over the bar and slam our feet with a tremendous boom on the way down. Near the building, there were several small trees, easily scaled and perfect for reading in. By the time I was thirteen, I'd outgrown everything but the swings, the trees, and occasionally, the top of the globe. My best friend, Liz, and I went there anytime she came over. We spent hours swinging side-by-side, talking about books and making up wild stories, giggling like loons about it all. Boys were still more on the cootie side of things, but we giggled about them...

So I’ve got a grey tabby named Beans. She’s an outdoor cat who comes and goes as she pleases. Last week I saw her outside meowing at my door, so I let her in, gave her food, and thought nothing of it. Except… she was eating more than usual, acting weirdly affectionate, and hissing at her favorite blanket. A few days later, my neighbor comes knocking. He’s frantic. “Have you seen Luna? She’s been missing for days.” I said no and then it clicked. I looked over at “Beans,” who was sitting on the couch like she owned the place, and realized she had a tiny white spot on her paw that Beans doesn’t have. I’d been harboring my neighbor’s cat for nearly a week. I’d even washed her with cat shampoo. Twice. Returning her was humiliating. My neighbor laughed, thankfully, but now every time Beans walks in, I double-check her paws like I’m inspecting counterfeit money. TL;DR: Accidentally kidnapped my neighbor’s cat for a week thinking she was mine.

Technically Sunday**I dated my friend last year for a couple of months, and we broke it off. Emotional incompatibility and distance being the issues. We became friends after. Well, earlier this year, we celebrated their mom’s birthday. I was the only other person invited other than the mom, her husband, and my friend. They bought me a cute nightie later that afternoon and we hooked up that night. They told me they’d hooked up with two other ex’s who they’re friends with. Which is fine, we test regularly. Then they started dating these two girls. But one they broke up with kinda soon, because she was emotionally immature and weird. The other girl, is married. Polyamorous. My friend is pansexual, and was exploring sexually with me and other friends and these two girls. I’m not judging, I think it’s fine because there was consent on all ends. But anyways, I met this girlfriend and she’s amazing, I really thought she was great for my friend. I started to get close to her. I met everyone’s...

 Our lovely next-door neighbours moved out, and I was determined to make the new owners welcome. I had been told they were a young couple so when a car pulled up and a pair of youngsters alighted; I swung into action. I welcomed the to the neighbourhood, I offered everlasting help, support and friendship and topped it all off with a hug and air kisses.  You get the idea! I returned home to a text from my ex-neighbour Have the cleaners arrived? Are they a young man and women? Yes Yes, they have As I slunk under my duvet vowing never to show my face again, musing what must have those pair made of what must have seemed mad rantings? I reflected it could have been worse, I might have mistaken my new neighbours for the cleaners! TLDR I gushed over two innocent cleaners who must have thought I was a mad women

Today I really messed up. My fifteen-year-old has never been a top student. He’s smart but easily distracted, the kind of kid who does just enough to get by. Then suddenly his grades went way up. I thought maybe he’d finally started caring about school. Then I got a call from the school director. They told me he’d been selling access to an AI program and teaching other students how to use it to write their papers. He was basically running a little side hustle built around cheating, and now he might get suspended or expelled. His dad came with me to the meeting. On the way home he actually said he was proud of him for being entrepreneurial. Said, “He’s got initiative, he just used it the wrong way.” As soon as his dad left the room, I lost it. I yelled at my son. I called him a failure. He didn’t yell back, just stared at the floor. That silence hit harder than anything. Later that night he told me he only started doing it because he wanted to prove he could be good at something. ...

My garbage disposal got jammed yesterday after dinner. I could hear something rattling inside it, so naturally, my first instinct was to grab a chopstick and poke around like a genius. Spoiler: bad idea. The chopstick snapped. So I thought, “Okay, maybe two chopsticks will work.” They didn’t. They both broke, now adding more wood chunks to the jam. I thought about tongs, but they were too wide. Then I decided to be “clever” and use the handle of a wooden spoon. The disposal started humming again… and sucked the spoon in. The noise it made sounded like a woodchipper being possessed. My entire sink started shaking like a washing machine. I panicked and turned it off, but the handle was gone forever. When the plumber came today, he looked inside, sighed, and said, “You tried to fix this yourself, didn’t you?” He pulled out what looked like a blender smoothie made of bamboo and shame. TL;DR: Tried to fix my garbage disposal using chopsticks and a spoon handle, created a wood pulp smoo...

Obligatory not today, last fall I made an appointment at CVS for my flu shot, but I was lazy and kept pushing it back until eventually I just cancelled it and figured I'd be fine. Flew out to visit my mother for Xmas. Spent Xmas eve with the whole family (ages 1.5-85yrs). Woke up Xmas morning feeling like I was dying. You know what I mean, my whole body hurt, my head was stuffy, all I wanted to do was sleep. So I took some NyQuil. My next clear memory is January 28. I had the flu. Which became necrotizing pneumonia. I was put on a ventilator and in a medically induced coma for a month. I almost died from the goddamn FLU. I have breif flashes of what happened in the days between Xmas and 12/29, when my mother called the ambulance. I have clearer memories of the nightmares I had while comatose, then back to brief flashes as I regained consciousness. Long story short, get your fucking flu shot. I was healthy, relatively young (early 40s), and if I hadn't happened to be vis...

I ruined the night for my friends by getting wasted yesterday, and now they said that they won't invite me to parties again, at least while i fix my problem with alcohol. We were all really excited about the plans, i handmade my costume, and was really looking forward to the party, we got there and started to drink, there was Bacardi, tequila, vodka and many other substances, i was drinking Bacardi, and really thought that i was controlling it, i even participated at a costume contest, i didn't win, but still, i was having a great time. But after like an hour or two of that, apparently i started to drink more and got really wasted, i don't really recall what happened after that, i blacked out, what i know is what a friend told me this morning. i went somewhere, and was disappearing from my group, i uncomfortably started to ask for kisses, ad like made people uncomfortable, the night got cut short when someone broke the WC, and we had to leave the place, but i was so bad...

So, I (29F) have been crushing hard on this guy (32M) at my gym for a while now. He’s got this charming smile, and we’ve recently started flirting and chatting whenever we bump into each other during workouts. The catch? He has an identical twin brother who also goes to the same gym. Same face, same build, same hairstyle, even the same voice tone, literally no way to tell them apart unless you’re up close and personal. Today, I strutted into the gym, spotted who I thought was my crush near the dumbbells, and decided to shoot my shot with some flirty small talk. I walked up, flashed a smile, and we started chatting. I was laying on the charm, talking about our usual gym banter, but something felt… off. He was polite but seemed a bit distant, not picking up on our usual vibe. I brushed it off, thinking maybe he was just having an off day. Then, like a scene from a bad rom-com, my actual crush walked up, said, “good to see you” and put his hand on my shoulder with that familiar grin. My ...

Obligatory ‘not today’ lol. It was a while ago. I’d spent the night at my sister’s house babysitting my niece (6yo) and my nephew (9yo) while my sister was out with friends for the weekend. My niece is your stereotypical girly girl. Loves the color pink and enjoys cheerleading, dresses, and makeup. She’d begged me to let her do my makeup the whole time I was there. I don’t even wear makeup in my day-to-day life. I just don’t like it. So I kept putting it off. Finally, on the morning I was supposed to be leaving, I allowed my niece to have at it. Oh man, she was so excited. She has kid makeup- makeup meant for little kids to play with. It’s real makeup. It’s just made with organic, nontoxic materials that are easy to wash off. Play makeup. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I’m sure that the majority of women here know what I’m talking about lol. She did my blush, eyeshadow, lipstick, and mascara (mascara in kid makeup is basically just water or baby oil). She thought it was ...

This happened a while back but Im still feeling the consequences today. A few years ago I was in what I thought was a super solid relationship. We decided to move in together, share bills and basically start living like we were already married just without the paperwork. At first it felt amazing. We split everything 50/50 (or so I thought) but slowly it turned into me paying for more and more stuff. Rent, car payments, random “emergencies.” I kept telling myself it didnt matter because we were building a future together. Yeah… that future lasted about a year before everything fell apart. When we broke up, it got messy. I didnt realize how tangled our finances were until I started trying to sort it all out. I had no clue what was mine anymore. I still kick myself for not protecting myself better not because I didn’t love her, but because I should’ve used my head too Lesson learned: love and logic aren’t enemies. If you’re mixing finances or moving in with someone get everything in wr...

I’ve recently started a new job. I’ve been lucky enough to find a friend group of 4 girls and 3 guys at my job but I primarily hang out with 2 guys and 2 girls(24fm). I’m recently out of a relationship and one of the guys has been objectively hitting on me. The other night he invited me to pregame at his place and mentioned the other people would be going as well. After a long night of him grabbing my thigh and telling me I could stay at his place if needed I found out through another person that when one mentioned me in the tally of people coming he texted “ew”. That’s annoying but what genuinely pmo was after I heard that (after a night of drinking) he texted me to apologize if he has been too flirty. I was dr*nk and I went off on him, not even realizing that this would implicate the person who had told me. The person who told me said we were good after we talked but now won’t speak to me so like…… yesterday I fucked up TL;DR: joined new friend group. Had a guy hit on me and tell me...

I know what you're thinking. Hoe could someone possibly flip someone off by accident? Well stick with me and you'll learn. Me and my dad were on our way back home from a road trip to Castro Valley to check out a guy's car collection. I have a habit of cracking my knuckles and then my fingers individually (you can probably see where this is going). Since I wasn't driving ans hadn't done it all day I decided to take my opportunity to give thing one and thing 2 some releaf. First I started out that the usual knuckles cracking then I moved onto my fingers. How I do it is I push back on one individual finger at a time and of course I had tbe brilliant idea to start with the middle one. So I stuck out my middle finger pushed back and then when I looked up I made eye contact with a women in our neighborhood with my middle finger on full display! I was so embarrassed I froze and kept the finger up and what doesn't help is that I'm a very timid person so the only ne...

To start, in case you don't know what yaoi is (but I'm assuming you do) it's romance between two dudes and is also called boys love (or BL). Anyway, I'm 21 and I read a lot on my phone, I like lots of genres and will read just about anything depending on what I feel like. Straight romance, gay romance, action fantasy, martial arts, and occasionally smut of various kinds. Today I felt like catching up on BL series I hadn't read in a while, and this one had smut in it. Halfway through the chapter the characters were getting intimate and I get a call, so I stop reading to answer it. My mom had used my phone earlier in the day to make a call and they called my number back instead of the number she left in her voicemail (her number). Anyway I go to my mom and pass her my phone so she can take the call, completely forgetting about what I had just been reading. I walk away to go do something and only realized my mistake when I hear my mom say "what the hell are you ...

So I’m training for a local 10k race in a couple months. That’s about 6.2 miles. Not a long race but not a short one either. I’m making good progress and tinkering with what works for me on longer runs, how I can keep my body moving at an easy, consistent pace for about 70-80 minutes. I’ve been increasing the distance over the past few months, prioritizing getting the distance down before I work on pace. I train early mornings at a local high school track within walking distance of my house. They have public hours almost every morning from 6-8 am. It’s a very nice track with good lighting and ✨no public bathrooms✨. Because I’ve been focused on increasing distance I’m waking up earlier and earlier to get to the track and really hammer it out before I go home and shower for work. In turn, I’ve been drinking a little extra COFFEE most mornings get my body going. Til now this hasn’t been a problem, I don’t leave the house until my body takes care of business. I successfully dropped the ...

So last night I was feeling a little bold. My boyfriend is out of town for work and we have been texting all the time. I decided to surprise him with a quick facetime… except I was in bed, undressed and feeling kinda flirty. I called him, waited a second and when the call connected I instantly went into “heyyy baby, i miss you soo much” mode while posing in the least PG way possible. Except it wasn’t my boyfriend. It was his mom. Apparently earlier that week his mom had been having trouble with her iphone and he used my phone to call her so he could help her explain something. I never deleted the contact from recent calls. And you can guess who’s name was right above his. The look on her face when I realize who it was… i can’t even describe it lol. It was like a mix of horror, shock and catholic disappointment. She didn’t even say anything. Just hung up quickly. Thirty seconds later my boyfriend calls me dying of laughter. His mom immediately called him saying “your girlfriend ju...

I (m 21) just had a big job interview this morning. It was a final round for the finance gig i have been gunning for. The interview was going well, and I was feeling very confident with my chances. Right at the end of the interview he asked me to share my screen to walk over this file I had sent as part of the interview. I already sent an offline copy but he said he could not open it so asked me to share screen. I was not expecting to share screen so was caught a bit fast footed. I hit share and then started talking through the file. After about a minute he stopped and said thats fine and the interview ended soon after. It felt a bit odd, but I didnt pay too much attention to it...until I realized I had shared the wrong window. Instead of the file I accidentally shared a window where the gif below was on repeat. Gif Reddit, what can I do to help this. Should I email back? Resend the file, offer to explain? I am willing to do anything TL;DR - accidentally shared the wrong windo...

I'll preface this by saying this is the most expensive phone I've ever owned so I put a pretty sturdy case on it. It cost like $200. I am currently unemployed and waiting on a transfer to go through so I can work. I set my phone down with the case facing downward while I fix myself a glass of water because I have dyspraxia and I will break the glass unless I'm careful. I put my cup down on the kitchen table and go to grab my phone. The screen is shattered. Top and bottom. It looks like it started mid screen. I don't know how I managed it but I completely shattered the phone by setting it down case first. This case was heavy duty. I've stopped it down stairs, on concrete, you name it I've done it- comes with the terroritory of struggling to make my body move the way I want it to. It's been fine. Not even a chip. Setting it down gently? That was apparently too much?!? WTF TLDR TIFU by somehow shattering my phone screen using the case. I need it to know w...

You know how you can automatically share media to a shared album? We're definitely going in the direction you're thinking. I took my kid to the optometrist a few weeks back and they came back with an eye drift. Not quite a full lazy eye, but one of their eyes would drift the wrong way before snapping back. Nothing super concerning, just awareness. Well, someone forgot to tell the eye this, and today it was feeling a little dramatic. The eye consistently pointed the wrong way, causing discomfort to my kid and a decent amount of concern to us as parents. So, I took a video for evidence, just in case it came right (because that's how kids work - they perk up when they sense anyone who could actually fix a problem), and made a mental note to call the optometrist as soon as they opened because it wasn't yet 8:30am. All is fine, the morning routine continues, the video uploads to the family album... And then I get a call. I already know what the topic is, because my FIL ...

So this happened earlier today, and I still want to crawl under a rock. I was attending my online college lecture half-asleep because it was an 8 AM class and I stayed up way too late watching anime (worth it). The professor was explaining something boring about economics, and I thought my mic was muted. Apparently… it wasn’t. I yawned really loud, said “bro, I’d rather be isekai’d into a world without taxes,” and then proceeded to hum the Attack on Titan opening while scrolling through memes. Everyone froze. The chat started blowing up with “LMAO” and “bro said what!?” The professor just sighed and said, “At least someone’s being honest about their enthusiasm.” I panicked, slammed my laptop shut, and pretended my WiFi died. Now my classmates keep calling me “Isekai Guy.” I will never live this down. TL;DR: Forgot to mute my mic in class, accidentally told 50 people I want to be isekai’d out of the economy.

Obligatory setup that this happened a few years ago, not today. So, my wonderful loving new wife and I decided to go out on the town with our wedding party after our 11am wedding and afternoon reception. It was a beautiful August night in a gorgeous seaside town in New England, so the quaint little bars had outside seating and live music, so it was perfect. We all sat down outside at the second destination and that's when I realized that my allergies had kicked in. My lovely new bride asked me if I was feeling okay, so I told her about my headache. She reached into her purse and handed me two small pills. "Here ya go, sweetie. This will help". I took the pills with a swig of my rum and coke and thought nothing of it. After being there a while, enjoying the music, the company, the food and the sweet looks from my new wife, I found myself feeling a bit tipsy. I looked down at the only drink I'd had, the drink I'd been babying and thought "Okay, I must need so...

Let me start by saying I know this is 100% my fault. I just need to vent. And my vents go long, so strap in if you're sticking around. About a year ago, my wife had a mental health crisis (a psychosis) that sent her to the hospital. Much happened, but long story short, the only hospital with a bed open in the mental health center was one that wasn't on our insurance. The State required her to go to a facility, so if she didn't go there, she would have had to go to the State mental health facility, which is really bad news, I've heard way too many horror stories from former patients there. So she stayed there for 45ish days, and a giant bill racked up. Since our insurance didn't cover it, they dropped the bill from $325,000 to $22,000. Yay. Now, importantly, a few months before this mess, I had been laid off from my job. So by this time, I was reaching the tail end of unemployment insurance and freaking out about money, but there was no way we were having her go ...

Was pulling the battery out of one of my cars and needed to cut a zip tie, rather than going to grab sidecutters I just decided to use my knife. Well needless to say that wasn't the smartest idea when cutting at an awkward angle on something your holding. Seven stitches later and a few days off work will remind me to stop and think. The knife went into the base of my left thumb and left a approximately 2 inch long cut, luckily I missed all the tendons and still have use of my thumb. The worst part is the fact I was by myself at the shop where I work (this all happed two days ago on the weeked) going into shock and bleeding heavily. By chance my parents happened to drive by and I waved them down to take me to the hospital. TL;DR in a rush to get shit done and stabbed my left thumb.

TIFU by making my wedding photographer cry… tears of laughter So, this occurred at my wedding Our photographer was this composed, professional lady who could likely shoot a hurricane and get the most beautiful photograph. Everything was going well until the "romantic couple photos." You know, the one where you're supposed to gaze adoringly into each other's eyes like it's a perfume commercial? Yeah, that's not really our thing. My husband and I are goofy gremlins who burst out laughing the moment we lock eyes. So, she says, "Okay, now look at each other lovingly." My husband smirks. I snort. Noisily. The type of snort that can be heard in valleys. The photographer promptly loses it. Then my husband, in the most sarcastic tone known to man, goes, "Well, there goes our Vogue cover." That was it! the three of us just died. Laughter, sobbing, can't-breathe giggling. She actually had to sit down on the grass because her camera was sha...

TIFU by drinking wild pigeon blood straight from the beak 40f, not a native speaker; AI helped translating. Throwaway because embarrassing. Context: I grew up around fishing, hunting, and eating our own livestock, so I’m not clueless when it comes to animals. I’ve been vegetarian for 20 years, because factory farming killed my appetite. But apparently, it also killed my common sense. My family keeps rescued chickens, vaccinates them, deworms them, and locks them in during bird flu alerts. I’ve recently been researching abandoned pets; especially city pigeons and wedding doves. I should have known better. Yesterday, I was sitting on my family’s covered patio when a young pigeon flew in, clumsily hanging on a beam, fluttering down the glass wall, ending in a corner. Clearly not okay, I gently picked it up (yes, properly). Why didn't it just die right then and to some extent peacefully. But instead, it perked up for a split second, but then blood appeard at the edge of its beak....

This happened about 4 years ago, but it still haunts me. Me and the GF went on a trip with our dogs- remote area, very few good lodging options for dogs. We found one, checked in, all was well, it was a multi-apartment building. I went out for a smoke and left the key inside, and my gf followed me out a few minutes later- the door latched shut and it was locked. Luckily our dogs were out there with us. We called the host- they were out of town, but luckily told us where THEIR key was, to get into THEIR apartment and get our spare key- did the thing, key didn't work. Then the host says "Hey, on the window by the door, there's a window AC unit- GO ahead and try to get in that way. Unfortunately, I didn't realize the AC to the right of our door was the other apartment, Our AC was around the side on the left. So, it's 10:30PM, and I'm trying to get into the apartment via the window AC and I then realize it was the wrong apartment. I gave up, we decided to slee...

I (m 22) have been taking some odd jobs since i graduated college while i look for a real job. This summer one of those jobs was being a pool cleaner. I live near a very affluent neighborhood and there are lots of people will to pay decent money to have their pools cleaned. This particular day, I was cleaning the pool of this house and the wife (f 35 ish) was at home, and had over a couple of her friends there to chill. She was quite attractive and I decided to be a little flirty. We got to chatting as i finished cleaning and I told them that they should go for a swim. They did not seem interested, but one of them suggested i dive in first. I told them that I have a pretty good dive, and they they should take notes. So i go changed to my trunks and they took our their phones to record my dive. I jumped, and i seemed to have a lot more speed that usual, so tried to correct it mid air. Dove in and things felt good, but thats when i realized that my trunks and slipped off all they wa...

As long as I’ve been doing laundry, I put all my clothes in the dryer on high heat so they can get dry and I can put them away. I was never really taught how to do laundry so this was how I’ve always done it. Eventually I started hang drying a few items I was worried would shrink. I’ve gained a few pounds the last few years, nothing crazy, but I’ve been trying to get my weight down so I can fit into all my favorites outfits. I tried on an old garment yesterday since I was a bit lighter and it still didn’t fit, and the way in which it was tight didn’t even seem indicative of weight gain. They were overalls and the legs weren’t as baggy as they used to be. I tried on another pair of baggy pants and saw they had the same issue. It was then I realized that most of my wardrobe that I can’t fit anymore is cotton, and while I’ve honed my laundry skills a bit over the years, I’ve still been putting most everything in the dryer on high heat for a full cycle. This whole time I thought I was d...

Today I fucked up when I accidentally texted my boss and not my co worker. Back story: my phone is weird, whenever I save a contact in my phone even if I "delete" it, it'll still be there. I still have contacts in from years ago that I have never used like, from potential jobs and stuff but because it won't delete, its still in there so, I decided given that there's a chance I won't work out given that I'm still in my 90 days, there's no point in permanently saving my workers numbers forever more and not being able to delete them so, I just left it as their phone number. Well, my boss then decided to make work group chats for call offs and shift pick ups and stuff like that. Well, I don't know who anyone is given that there's over 10 of us so, I started saving their names. Well both my boss and one of the cooks have a similar name, especially if you're not really paying attention and just see their name flash across your phone so, I had cl...

So last night I went out drinking with some friends. It wasn’t anything crazy, we just did some bar hopping and had a few to many tequila shots. I usually don’t drink much so by midnight I was basically running on autopilot. I called an Uber, got dropped off and stumbled up the stairs in my apartment building and let myself in. At least I thought I did. The door wasn’t locked, which I thought was weird but in my drunk brain I figured I probably forgot to lock it earlier. I went straight to the bedroom, threw my clothes on the floor and crashed. A couple hours later I woke up to someone screaming like they saw a murder. I jumped up and there was this woman standing in the doorway holding a lamp like she was about to wack me. Turns out I wasn’t in my apartment. I had walked into my neighbor’s - one floor down. The layouts are identical so drunk me didn’t notice a thing. Apparently her roommate had just left the door unlocked after coming home and I just wandered in. She called the co...

Im in a college art class. I SUCK at art. My professor knows this and often makes really nasty comments about my attempts at art. The other week she said “Well, you followed the prompt”. That’s it. Whatever, I’m doing my best. There is a man with Downs Syndrome in our class that is always accompanied by an aid. The man is really nice and everyone likes him, including me. I was talking to a classmate about the drawing I was working on, and I was basically saying it’s very bad but I’m trying my best. This classmate said “Well you made it, so the professor should think it’s special in its own way”. She said it in a joking way because we both know I have zero artistry. I loudly, without thinking, said “Oh she thinks I’m special alright!”. Moments later it hit me. I just called myself special in front of a man with Downs Syndrome and his aide. He didn’t seem to hear it but the aide gave me a nasty look. I’m not ableist, but it sure sounded like I am. I was mortified. TLDR I called mys...

My coworker a guy in his late thirties is the nicest funniest guy i have probably ever worked with. I was new to the job and around a month ago he showed me around the whole place. Made jokes to lighten me up and overall made me feel so much at ease. During this month we became quick work friends and he really helped me out in settling in. I was debating whether he liked me or not because he was very nice to me and went out of his way to bring me things such as an extra coffee and things like that so I just decided to take a chance and flirt with him at a work party. (HE DOESN'T WEAR A RING) I was slightly tipsy and definitely laughed a lot more than i would normally at his jokes among other things when a beautiful woman walked in apologising for being late and then they kiss and i immediately want to kill myself. I looked at him comically open mouthed and said you're married? He looked at me and he said yes. Very married. this happened yesterday and i have to go back at work ...

Hello Redditors. So I, (18f) just fucked up by talking to an account on ig and I think i might be in danger, my friend (14f) had this account on IG she used as an alter, and this guy stole it, so after a lot of talking, I reached out and it started off normal, then out of nowhere he got all defensive and asked me who asked me to talk to him and he got really creepy, and turns out not only did he had pictures of her, he also knew where we studied, and not only that, he knew my real name. he was supposedly 23 and living in Chile, but I don't know how true that is and I'm scared for my safety, my family's and my friend's. And after showing her the texts my friend told me she had a "friend" that was his age and he was allegedly (bc i don't know how true that is) was taken by cops a few years ago and he disappeared from social media completely. Help. TL:DR: I tried to help her by talking go this guy and I think he might be dangerous, If something happens I...

Wife has been anticipating today's No Kings protest for weeks. last night I assembled foamboard and wood into signs we could draw on. Intended to go to the Pine Hilladelphia protest outside Trump's Pine Hill NJ golf club, scheduled only 12-3pm. At 5:30am I had to drive our friends to PHL for their 8:30am flight for vacation; did that, went home and slept some more. we woke up about 11;30. After taking care of pets, wife said how about something to eat. After a minute we settled on a hoagie from our supermarket. Heres my FU. I took nearly an hour, getting other things from the supermarket that we needed. Got back and fought about my wasting time, then ate, then she wanted to see some live video or news about how it was going at that place. Couldn't find any. Then while I was still searching she realized it was 2:24 and even if we left immediately we'd get there, waste time parking and walking to the front, and it would be over already. And we'd still have blank sig...

GF (29F) and me (38M) were having a nice couple of days. We don't live together, she has a roomate, and we usually spent a few days together at my house, whenever we can, because we have more privacy. We were goofing around in our underwear and I saw the pen we were using for a crossword. I asked her if it was alright if I wrote some stuff on her butt. She gave me an enthusiastic green light and I wrote and drawed some stuff. Hours later, when she was at her house, her roommate went to her room and said "Hey... there's writting on the toilet... Property of...something... backwards". We've been laughing a lot about this. I think now I own her toilet. TL;DR: I wrote on my partner's booty and now her roommate knows a little more about our ways of spending time together. EDIT: Apparently, the word I was looking for was stamp/stamper, not sealer. Sorry, English is not my first language.

So to set the stage here, I live in rural Appalachia. Up here, stinkbugs love to start finding ways into your house around late summer-fall. They have an uncanny ability to fly directly into me while I sit at my desk, causing me to swat them. This then causes them to shit out their annoying cilantro smell, and I have absolutely had it with them. For the longest time, I'd try to get them onto some paper, an envelope, whatever I could find and get them outside. Well now, we're at the point where I'm ejecting 5-10 per day, and I'm over it. I had the brilliant idea to just use my vacuum to suck them up, since I always have it standing by anyway. It worked great! As soon as they go to fly, they get sucked in. I was very satisfied with my solution, since it meant they also didn't get to live another day to turn around and come back inside. And then after about a week, I went to vacuum my floors. The entire apartment was rapidly filled with the smell of cilantro. Now any...

i ordered catering for lunch for a conference from restaurant X a little more than a week in advance. a few days before the conference, i randomly get an email saying the delivery for my order was canceled without any explanation. so i order catering from a different place that my coworkers really like that is more expensive. conference happens and i get a call and i answer it asking if it's lunch. the person on the phone says yes, restaurant X is here. im SHOCKED bcause well... i got an email informing me that the delivery was canceled and the delivery person was adamant that he did not make a mistake, he says my full name and said the address and said he had a car full of food, they didn't cancel the order, and our card was charged. i meet them outside and show him the email and he calls his boss. me and his boss go back and forth with his boss saying they didn't cancel anything and me saying i got an email saying it was canceled. i read him the email word for word. to...

So yeah I’m currently sitting here reflecting in my room at how stupid that decision was. I had a lot to drink in the time the show went on and when I saw the cops I just ran into the backyard, was spotted hopping the fence and ran like I was being chased by a demon. Eventually ran all the way home and by the time I got home I guess I ran all of the alcohol out of my system and realized how dumb that decision was. Had they caught me I would’ve gotten charged with just fleeing them, I have no warrants, I’m not a criminal, I’m just a dumb college kid who got drunk and ran. I’m a real lucky guy that I can RUN otherwise I’d be fucked. TL;DR: Got drunk at a house show, ran from the cops after they showed up,luckily got away and am now reflecting and regretting my actions

So, I work at supermarket. I was doing my regular thing, putting stuff on the shelf and organizing the layout. When just as I'm taking my cage of backstock back to the warehouse this woman (20 odd), with her nan (60/70-ish) approach me. She, the 20 year old, looked both a little embarrassed and a little scared but also couldn't stop laughing as she was trying to ask me something (understandably so). I was thinking "Is she going to ask me about adult nappies or something? Maybe about some kind of accident that's happened in the other aisles?" Boy howdy was i wrong. She says, and i quote; "My nan has recently joined a rap battle group, and needs help with performing in front of strangers to build up her confidence." What! Not in a million years could i have imagined that that was what was about to come out of her mouth. I was of course a little stunned. Her nan looked at me, expectingly. Clearly she was in on it, and it wasn't something her granddaug...

When i was young I was really attached to my dad, i knew he really loved me. He is fun and sweet but also strict but still I knew he loved me Due to his job he used to be away from home for weeks at that time, i use to miss him. I remember praying to god that when my dad dies he should off me too. I couldn't express this love to him out of embarrassment or whatever, and would keep asking when his holidays are and one day he scolded me asking why do I keep asking hum this and said he knows it's because he tells me to work and study.i have got anger issues but cant even get angry at him i just get teary eyed. Now,i am 20 ngl i am pretty much a failure doing a mediocre course at a mediocre college. I have started drinking alcohol and have been thinking about my life and future. Im fat, barely have any friends, cant talk to women. I have had thoughts of offing myself again I had not discuss it with anyone out of embarrassment. Today my dad was again telling me to take responsibil...

I genuinely want to curl up and disappear after what I did this weekend. My sister has been acting distant lately and her husband has been glued to his phone nonstop, always walking out of the room to take calls. Yesterday I walked into their guest room to drop off laundry and saw a woman’s jacket on the bed that definitely wasn’t my sister’s. My brain went straight into FBI mode and I stormed downstairs, phone already recording like some courtroom drama, and demanded he explain who “she” was. He just stared at me like I’d grown two heads while my sister walked in mid-interrogation. Turns out the “mystery woman” was literally my cousin who had crashed there earlier after a night out and left her jacket. The phone calls? He’s been secretly planning a surprise anniversary trip for my sister. She started crying, he was furious, and I was standing there with my camera like a complete clown. They both left the house to cool off and I’ve never felt more unwanted in my life. I apologized im...

This is historical, and mortified me at the time, but thought I would share as time and distance have removed the sting. Background context: at this point in my life I (F, 16 at the time) was very Christian, and never got into physical altercations. The classroom size was around 30, of which about 25 were boys. In one of the mistakes of my life, I took physics in year 12. The teacher wasn't good at teaching the subject, but the sole benefit of the class is that it tended to finish early. Waiting for the bell, we would tend to stand around with our friends, in different areas of the classroom, chit-chatting. As you can imagine, the classroom would be quite loud with 30-odd teenagers talking to each other. For some reason that made sense at the time, I was pretend punching my male (16) friend on the upper arm. He leaned into the joke, and started leaning away, going "oof, ow" and other comments like that. To which, and I remember it to this day, I said " that's...

We decided we needed two egress windows installed. We met with several vendors, including one that came highly recommended. The recommended vendor and I spent a solid 45 minutes going over everything in detail. A few days later, the quote came in, and it was the cheapest by a long shot. But here's where I f**ked up. I saw the quote was only for one window. Furious that they could make such a basic mistake after a lengthy consultation, I refused to use them and spent the next few weeks complaining to anyone who would listen about their incompetence (without naming names, of course). We decided to go with another company, which was almost $4,000 more expensive. Today, before we signed the expensive contract, I decided to look at the first quote again to see what the window cover would cost. As I read more closely, I realized they had a checkbox to add the second window, and they gave us a $1,000 discount for doing both at the same time. Not only had I completely misread the quote,...

So I was at the hospital cafeteria after a long shift, exhausted and in desperate need of caffeine. My boyfriend usually meets me there sometimes after work, and we have this little tradition where I walk up behind him, tap his shoulder, and say “ Hey, handsome 😍” before he turns around. Today, I saw someone wearing the same jacket he owns, sitting in his usual spot. Without thinking, I did the same thing—tapped his shoulder and said it. The man turned around, totally confused, and I immediately realized it wasn’t my boyfriend… just a random guy enjoying his sandwich. I apologized so many times, and he started laughing, which made me laugh too, but then my actual boyfriend walked in just in time to see me mid-laughter with another man 😳. Luckily, he found it hilarious after I explained, but I don’t think I’ll live this one down anytime soon. [TL;DR:] Thought I saw my boyfriend, called a random guy “handsome,” and my actual boyfriend walked in right after. Still recovering from...

I’m Paraguayan and my husband is Uruguayan. We don’t usually have big cultural shocks, but this one really made us laugh. I was having lunch with my husband and my MIL. I chopped half a watermelon to have as dessert, while we were chatting, I just casually threw the whole green part (the rind) into the backyard. Behind our rental there’s an abandoned lot filled with greenery, birds, frogs, and possums. In Paraguay (or at least on my circles), it’s totally normal to toss bread, watermelon, papaya and melon leftovers outside, we leave a bit of the fruit part on the rind, because the birds like it more. My husband and MIL looked at me like I had just dumped a TV out the window. He couldn’t believe I’d “throw our trash” into the lot. I told them it’s not regular trash, it’s biodegradable, and the animals love it! He was still unsure, checking the backyard like crazy. After a few minutes they were both amazed at how many animals started to emerge and even fight for it, he was still check...

I work in social care, so meetings, other than team catch ups in the service, are not a regular occurrence for me. I was scheduled to work this thursday evening which is weird and inconvenient because I’ve already told my managers I am busy every thursday evening. I managed to swap the shift with a colleague, manager approved it, all fine. Then I got an email inviting me to a meeting that thursday evening, to liase with healthcare professionals and social work regarding the circumstances of one of the ladies I support. There was a link to join the meeting on Teams so I thought, that’s ok, I don’t need to come in, I’ll just have to move things about so I can at least be available for joining virtually at that time. So I rescheduled my weekly appointment (that would have been at the exact same time), giving me just enough time to make my appointment, get home and log on. Then after the meeting I could still go to the social club I go to later in the evening. Today, I re-read the invit...