greenmangostudio

Ok so this was yesterday. My boyfriend and I had some shrooms, yay! I was excited. Got the tea prepped, got our space clean and put out fun things to do. We drank the tea, watched velveteen rabbit. Toward the end of the movie my stomach started to have major cramps. When sober, I know this means to immediately take some Benadryl and a stomach cramping medication. I have Mastocytic Enterocolitis. My body loves to think everything is a foreign object, and goes into anaphylactic spectrum at random. It almost always starts with stomach cramps. Since I was tripping, I was wondering if it was even real. Eventually I did go to my bedroom to take my meds. But I was giggling my butt off because I felt like a little kid. Lo and behold, the pain eventually got excruciating. I was in between being unable to move/speak from the pain, and giggling at the floor because it was moving. I’d be laying in bed praying for the pain to go away one second, and laughing at my cat who suddenly looked like a...

A couple weeks ago I asked my friend (we're both 20) if she wanted to attend a kpop group's concert with me June next year. We like the group a lot and it's gonna be their first time in our country. Today I decided to see if the tickets were already being sold, and to my surprise some of the options were already sold out, so I decided I had to buy them now. From the very beginning my idea was paying for both tickets. I decided to confirm with her if she still wanted to go. She said yes, and said that she would pay me back later on, which I refused. I ended up mentioning the price of the tickets (cheapest option being around $130 USD, (EDIT: Around $130 each) over half a month of minimum wage here), and she thought the price was too high. Now she no longer wants to go, even if I pay for the tickets. She was willing to go, but after knowing the price she changed her mind. I should have just bought the tickets beforehand and given to her, I can't do this now, I don...

My oven isn't huge, so it was pretty taken up all day by most of the other sides. I smoked the turkey to allow for more oven items, but we still had some sweet potats that I didn't have room for. So my genius self solved this by using our gas grill with a cool-side/hot-side method to cook a tray of scalloped sweet potatoes. I peeled them and sliced them finely and covered them in a smooth and rich broth of cream, butter, and brown sugar. After checking them a few times they were just about ready, so I shut the grill off and kept the lid shut to keep them warm for serving. I'd tell you how they came out, but I literally just now remembered that they're on there.... Tl;dr: left cooked potatoes on my grill for a week, guess I'll see what kind of science project is there now when I get home. It has not been cold where I live lol

Every year around the holidays I am still saddened at the fact that I ruined the magic of Christmas by being a nosy child. Christmas was my favorite time of the year as I came from a lower income household so I didn’t get presents unless on my birthday and Christmas. During my childhood my mom went all out fully decorating our house in a Christmas theme, ranging from Christmas hand towels all the way down to Christmas rugs. Christmas was her favorite holiday as a kid and she wanted that same magic for my brother and I. Going back to when I was 10 years old my brother and I both believed in Santa but also knew our parents would give us one gift with mom and dad written on the box, but the rest came from Santa. One day my brother and I decided we couldn’t wait till Christmas Day and decided to look for the one present that was coming from our parents, so we looked everywhere, under beds, in closets, but ultimately decided to go into the crawl space to look further. After checking ne...

Unfortunately the ssia. I was lighting several sticks of incense while holding the lighter upside down to do so, which made the metal tip nice and hot. Just as I was finishing up the last stick of incense a bug flew into my eyelid which made me react by swinging my hand up there immediately and causing a lighter eyelid collision. It absolutely sucks. It's not the worst burn I've ever had but it's definitely the most inconvenient burn I've ever had. It does hurt though. It was hot enough to break the skin and a blister is already forming. Every time I blink it irritates it and I can't imagine what that will feel like with a blister. The worst part is it was just a tiny little fruit fly thing that wasn't even bothering me too much, I totally could have let it slide. TL;DR I forgot I had a hot metal object in my hand and pressed it against my eyelid. ​

I have always cut my own hair and rarely have I ever screwed up. Definitely not something this bad. I just bought a new trimmer that has a vacuum attached so it was a much easier cleanup. Welp, I just decided in the middle of the work day (WFH) that I was going to go ahead and give myself that haircut. I started using it and immediately noticed it grabbing my hair instead of cutting it and realized the blades didn't come pre-lubed so I took the guard off and put a drop of lube on the blade. I then got a work call so I set down the trimmer and went to go answer it. An hour later and i've finally got time to go finish that haircut. I didn't put the guard back on and didn't notice until it was waaaay too late , ya'll. What the hell am I going to do? I look like I joined a fight club and there's a project with a near million dollar invoice on the line next week. TL;DR I just fucked my shit up and there's no way this will regrow enough by Monday to hide it...

Hi Reddit. A few years ago, I injured my shoulder doing some dumb activity that I don’t remember. I thought at the time I tore my rotator cuff cause my shoulder was really hurting, and I couldn’t move it fully. Any time I raised my arm, it wouldn’t let me go past a certain point without a lot of pain. I didn’t use it very much for about a month to try and “heal” it myself due to not being able to afford going to the doctor, and that seemed to help it! The pain went away when I wasn’t using it, and I thought that my injury was finally healing. Yay! I started working out, and my shoulder pain came back with a vengeance. But I was stubborn - I wasn’t going to let my injury hold me back. I pushed through the pain because I figured if my shoulder got stronger, the muscles being built up would compensate for the “tear,” and eventually I wouldn’t even notice it was there, right? So that’s what I did. And it actually worked a lot better than I expected it to! Over time, through working out...

This literally just happened now, and I’m still kind of feeling as if it’s not real. I work as a caretaker in an orphanage, this is my third month and I’m still learning the ropes. I work with abandoned kids every day, and we have learned that one of the boys was in the process of adoption. I was so happy about him because he’s very gentle and kind, and unlike other children we have has qualities such as empathy and high intelligence that could get him far in life. One day as I was working other kids followed me and asked about the traveling coffer. I absent-mindedly said the boy is getting adopted, figuring it’s a sealed deal, not knowing any legal background behind adoption. This is where my fuck-up happened. Apparently, and I was not aware of this, adoption is kept secret from biological parents who have basically lost all right to their child. Other kids have told the boy he’s getting adopted, and he probably told his grandma when he was away for the weekend. As a consequence, ...

When I was younger, i believed it would be very cool to be older than i am in reality. I went to a summer camp in another country, and i didn't really know anyone there. I met a group of people, and we clicked. There was one person in the group that was 1 year older than the rest, and everyone looked up to him, so i thought it would be a good idea to lie about my age and say that i was 1 year older. I made up some fake birthday that i pretended to be VERY secretive about as well, and i wouldn't tell them when my real birthday was, like, ever. For context, I did and still do live in a different country than them. Here we are 5 years down the line and they think i am in my last year of school, when in reality i'm only graduating next year. I really, really hate that i decided to lie about my age then, but now it is just way too awkward to come clean. But then again, I do realise that I can't pretend to be attending University, while still being in school. I feel very bad...

Obligatory not today, this happened like a month ago. So the bed frame that I have is a queen bed frame, metal, and it doesn't have built in mattress support just like 4 bars that go across the bottom of it horizontally. You're supposed to have a box spring or something. So for a while at my old apartment I used the two thick oak closet doors which perfectly fit in my bed as the thing that supported the mattress. A year ago I moved into a new apartment and had to leave those closet doors behind. So to solve the problem of needing some kind of support, I figured, it doesn't need solid support, just something to distribute the weight of the mattress so the 4 built in bars in the bedframe can hold me up. ( This is the fuck up: forgetting to never skimp on something that separates you from the ground). I literally found some wood flooring on the side of the road, carried it home, and nailed it together. It was uneven and like a messed up jigsaw type platform. I wish I had a ...

This actually happened this past Black Friday but I got the package today. A creator I watch semi-regularly had partnered with a sex toy website and hosted a giveaway. I'm only human, my electric toothbrush can only "do it" for me so much, so I applied. I ended winning a $250 gift card which I found to be a steal, because combined with the Black Friday discounts it meant I could get some normally pricey items for basically nothing. I ended up choosing two different vibrators and even won a third for free because the order was over a certain price. So I checked out, feeling pretty good about the basically not-purchase and knowing I'd be feeling even better in the future. However, that basically came crashing down when I saw the order summary. There was a $200 dollar charge despite the fact that the products I'd ordered only added up to be in-budget with the money on the gift card. So I looked closer. So I looked closer. The best I can figure is that I misclicked/c...

Today(yesterday)while we were talking about woman faking orgasms, I had a brilliant idea to make a joke about my very own sexlife. You see I thought hilariously to tell my girlfriend “I never have to worry about you faking it”. When my girlfriend inquired into the reasoning for my statement I then replied “because who would ever fake those faces on themselves”. It gets worse guys because I then imitated her faces to her then and there. Picture the face of someone who had just been holding a giant shit in for a 10 hour plane ride and then the 40 minute car ride to get to their own glorious porcelain throne just to explode with discomfort and bliss while expunging your bowels. The faces she makes are kinda like that. BUT IT GETS EVEN WORSE because after I made the faces I proceeded to describe the faces as I did above. I told her her faces are like someone pooping. She got real mad. Not like at me but she was mad. It blew over pretty quickly as I apologized and told her It’s not a bad t...

This was a mistake that happened a number of months ago, however I have only just realised and I’m mortified. This is not a long story, but a couple of months ago our company went through a re-branding. I work for an international construction and services company, and the UK division turns over around £500m. A few weeks after the re-branding HR were hassling people about changing their email signatures to the new logos, and in a moment of unrivalled brilliance and ingenuity, I thought to myself - ah the MD will definitely have the newest and best email signature, I will copy and paste his! So I copy his signature, create my new one replacing all the relevant detail with my own (or so I thought). Fast forward a number of months and I get an email from a subcontractor asking me to give him a call because he can’t get through on my mobile. When I call him back he explains to me that he tried to phone the number at on my email, however when he did he got through to someone called John ...

So i had a hell of a day yesterday. I was having a day along the lines of boring. Nobody to hang out with, cats were going crazy as usual. So i was thinking my day would be boring. Until my friend shaun (fake name) decided to ring me up and propose an idea to race at his track. He made a dirt track when he inherited his fathers old farm, and when he first saw it. He instanly thought of a track of sorts. Since i had nothing to do and my truck wasnt getting used much other than the common commuter. I said "why not?" And got my gear along with my racing mower because why not? It was beautiful yesterday for our "race". So me, shaun, my other buddy mike and chris decided to bring our trucks, along with another sort of vehicle. And like morons, we use our daily drivers first. The TIFU here is my truck aint exactly, stable. For a 06 its nice but it has its flaws. The frame however is a mess and i knew it might need fixing soon, Soon being now today. So this track was...

So this is actually happend yesterday. For a littel backgraound im 20m a soldier that have returned home after 50 days at war and my girlfriend broke up with me. Of course i was sad and obvieaslly horny so i decided to serch in the depth of reddit of a fellow female that like me want to beat some meat. I have found this account and reached to her in instegram. we started chatting and because im saspicios guy i requested a video. I got what i have wanted and we exchanged our pictures. Of curse i got scamed an the dude blackmaled me for some good money until i decided to not pay him anymore and told him he could spred the photos. Lucky me he didnt. PS: sorry for my bad English. Its not my native toungh. TLDR; Returned from home after 50 days at war, my girlfriend broke up with me and i exchangeds nuds with somone that eventually blackmaled me.

My wife and I have twin 2YO boys who are learning to speak with a fair amount of gusto. Picking up words and phrases every day. My wife is an NP and is insisting we teach our kids the correct term for their body parts, especially their privates. Well, this morning that may have backfired. I was getting out of the shower and my kids were in our bedroom. As I’m drying off my one son comes up to my crotch and points at my penis and says “what’s that?”. I said “that’s my penis, buddy. Daddy has one just like you.” He did the toddler thing where he repeated the new word loudly like 10 times. No problem. Happy he’s learning new words. I pulled my underwear on and then he says “bye bye penis!”. Wife and I laughed because, duh, it’s funny on its own, but 10x funnier from a toddler…..only now any time he leaves the room or I leave the room, he now shouts “BYE BYE PENIS” instead of “bye bye dada”. And now my wife has joined in on it….and so has his twin. Insert the gif of Captain America sayin...

Shortly after waking up, I received a text today asking when my mom’s birthday was. I was confused why I’d gotten the message from a random number because pretty much everyone my mom knows, also knows her birthday because she’s on Facebook all the time. What I do get is a lot of Chinese scammers where they ask weird invasive questions like that, so I google the number and the first results all detail phone scams… but not an exact match. I’m still suspicious because the texted hadn’t introduced themselves so I asked if they were trying to get my information. I ask who they are and I get the name. Now, here’s the thing- for some people, the name might be the thing that sets them off, but I wasn’t convinced at first. See, for one, my uncle’s name is insanely common- you could probably throw it out to any white family and expect them to have someone named that. But most of all, my uncle uses email. My mom says he thinks it works like texting, and whatever, he’s 90 and you can’t really ex...

So I (17m) and my best friend (16m) are both seniors in HS, he'll be turning 17 in December. We've been friends together since 3rd grade and were always inseparable. Our teachers should say we could be siblings if we tried hard enough, this was in part because our mothers both worked for the same companies with his mother being my mom's superior. Anyway, we stayed with each other and usually found other friends but stayed closest up until around junior year. That year we both decided to challenge ourselves and take 4 AP classes to boost our weighted GPAs since they were only 3.9, and we both wanted to get into a good university with him aiming for UCLA, Rice, and Cambridge and myself looking for Umich, U-Washington, and John Hopkins. But anyway, our moms noticed that last year and this year we started drifting apart (due to being so busy) and tired of getting us to talk and spend more time with each other because we might not end up going to the same school or even seeing...

Well, this actually happened a few weeks ago. I'm not a redditor, but I was just watching Smosh Pit's latest Reddit Stories video on Youtube and became aware of this subreddit. So, I thought this story would be appropriate for here. It's not that eventful for how long I wrote but I still want to share it since it was kind of a big deal for me. So, I'm not gonna say her name because I don't want this to make any headlines lol. She's a singer, not super famous, but still has a pretty big fanbase. Like, whenever someone asks who my favorite artist is, I tell her name and I have to explain who she is every single time. Yet she does have more than a million subscribers on instagram. I'm 27yo, and I've been a huge fan of hers for the past 4-5 years. Maybe her biggest fan. Before that I didn't have any celebrity crushes. I remember that everyone had one in my teenage years, however I never really understood how you would get so obsessed over someone you...

Sooo, I ordered a bunch of marijuana brownies for a small gathering I had at home. It turned out that the brownies were VERY strong, and I had a lot of leftovers. I ate a little through the weekend, and some after I came from work in a day or two, but there was still a little bit left that I wouldn't want to go bad. So, I ate everything this morning, as I had no plans for the entire day. Or did I? After the chugging, I realized, in panic, that 5 hours from that moment I had a session scheduled with my therapist, who was in the process of diagnosing me with ADHD. Well, five hours is more than enough for me to recover, isn't it? No reason to reschedule. It wasn't. The 40-minute session seemed to take longer than a Scorsese movie. I would start sentences that I didn't know the end, and fake (very poorly) my sobriety for the entirety of the session, trying to respond to questions that, mid-sentence, I would forget the answer to. I was diagnosed with ADHD. Tl;Dr went...

Obligatory not today, but it blew up in my face not too long ago. It's gonna be a long story so hang tight. Back when COVID was still a menace, people were losing jobs, I was fortunate enough to be hired as a permanent staff for a BPO (Business Process Outsourcing) company. Basically being assigned to complete tasks on behalf of mainly-IT clients. Best thing was, we had our own workstations so no need to share places with others. Funnily enough, the company assigned 1 staff as the IT guy. You heard it, ONE . I was looking for passive income apps to supplement my income. The setup-and-forget ones which surprisingly do work, and one of them was having to install an app that rents out your Internet bandwidth/ mobile data for cash. After all, we have an abundance of them so why not earn a few bucks along the way? I won't say the name, but you'll find out from a simple Google search. Now that's when I fucked up big time. Having installed them on my phones and home deskt...

Hey everyone, I wouldn’t be able to give all the details to this story cause it would take me forever and no one wants to read it. So I’ll try to be concise. I’ll start of by saying I met my significant other nearly 10 years ago at the age of 16 on the beach. To say it was love at first sight would be an understatement. You see those rom com movie scenes? Well it was that. Due to distance we never had the opportunity to ever be together, not to mention our age difference and the fact that I was abroad studying. When covid happened, my university said that students didn’t need to be on campus and could do the program remotely. This was our opportunity. So I decided to move and go and live where he is in Spain. To finally give us a chance. I genuinely, and still to this day, believe I had found the love of my life. We understood and already knew everything of eachother. We felt blessed and special compared to others. We never had any fights. We trusted eachother blindly. Our love was ...

Hey everyone, I'll start off with saying that I am dating my significant other for over 4 years now. She is the love of my life, I definitely love her and I will do anything to make her happy. I am even saving up to take her to her dream trip and to propose to her there. I am an ex competitive athlete, so my entire life I've been eating right and working out, I did have an obese childhood but when I discovered sports I fell inlove with it. Now, over the last few years she has gained a lot of weight, we are talking over 20kg when she initially was already a bit overweight. My type was always skinny and fit women but I really clicked with her and liked her that I was still attracted to her when she was a bit heavier than my type. Now however I just don't really feel the physical attraction. I never brought it up to her as I didn't want her to feel bad and I know it also bothers her as she can't dress how she wants and finding clothes is a struggle for her. She broug...

Recently I made a post about a situation I was involved in where I caused some women to be uncomfortable. It wasn’t harassment but it was still serious because it was sexual in nature. I posted it on social media because I wanted to tell my side of the story and because I felt guilty. Looking back it wasn’t a great idea because I’m pretty sure now everyone on my social media thinks I’m a creep. I regret what I did and I mentioned that in my post but I don’t think anyone cares. I was eating dinner with my family today and I noticed that some of my family members wouldn’t even look me in the eye. I had one of my cousins sitting across from me and she would look other people beside me in the eye when she was talking but she would overlook me. I don’t know if I should confront, so to speak, any of my friends about it and ask them why they’re avoiding me now. They don’t even really comment or react to my posts anymore. Long story short, I was apart of this friends group and we would play...

Pretty self-explanatory. Overslept. Tried to get ready quickly. Decided to wear a skirt. Realized my legs were already in winter mode. Wanted to shave super quickly. I (21F) used a new razor, nothing fancy, but must’ve been quite sharp for me not to feel the pain immediately. It was a really weird sensation, I saw the skin on the razor blade and pain followed probably 2 seconds later. And it was VERY painful from then on. Hurt to put water on it, hurt to move the ankle at all, I needed to give myself a pep talk before putting the antiseptic on. Cleaned it, put a massive plaster on (the wound is slightly longer than my pinky) and then a fabric ankle support to keep it from coming off during the day. Now, about 10 hours later, it only hurts when the plaster is off, like the air hurts it? Will probably be sticking to waxing in the future. pic: NSFW https://imgur.com/a/Aawl2l0 TL;DR: Tried to hurry while shaving, shaved off a piece of skin

If you didn’t read my previous post about me self-sabotaging this.. friendship? Situationship? Idk what to call it. You should check it out also it adds some context to this story. Anyways, maybe I’m being delusional by romanticizing moments that possibly had no significance but I’d like to share to get another perspective. I’ll start by saying that I’ve always been a very timid person. I was obese and when growing up and in my early 20s I got into shape. Despite all this, I still have a hard time accepting compliments and feel like people are just being nice to me. I also struggle with communication. Even though I feel like I have improved, when shit gets serious I feel like I just revert back to my old ways and try to act like everything is okay instead of addressing the issue After that night I (24M) spent with that girl (28F). I could feel myself care for her as more than a friend or hookup. I was scared about it because I thought I was just a hookup to her. She was also 4/5 ye...

So this literally happened no more than one minute ago and I have to get it off my chest. To start... last night, I(26 M) was rough housing with my daughter (3.5yo) plopping her on the couch which she loves. Well, the last plop I did planted my foot on a pillow that had fallen on the ground, which caused me to slip and fall. Obviously, while holding my kiddo, I don't want to fall on top of her if I'm falling forwards. Still don't know how I managed it, but I turned myself around and caught my thigh really hard on my coffee table... que the massive bruising on my thigh. SO.. today, my dad offered to grab me some supplies for my sick kid (my clutch is currently busted so i basically don't really have a car) and I decoded to show off my nasty bruise when he dropped off the pedialyte. Here's where the fuck up happens... I forgot I was wearing my super loose underpants that I wear on weekends as PJ undies. I was also wearing sweat pants. The bruise in on my upper thi...

I've been working on my social anxiety, public speaking, and the fear of being the center of attention. I've been going to public speaking lessons, reading books, wearing more colors that aren't just black, and other stuff. Also, one of the various methods I have been using is modeling gigs. So this one time, my modeling agency contacted me saying there is a photoshoot for a hairstyling company, so I go. At first, they had us separate between those who are cool with any cut or color to their hair and those who are not cool. They later separated us between those who have "virgin" hair - meaning it hasn't been colored or treated - and those do. I have natural dark brown hair that has been colored so I try to find the location where the other women were as well. This is where I fucked up. There were about 40 women auditioning in this very small boutique salon which made it difficult to know which group was what. I asked this girl if she was in the colored grou...

TIFU by activating new phone lines when I pay for my parents’ and grandma’s lines. I was supposed to surprise them on Thursday when I head home for TGiving and give them new phones (including setup at their place) as an early Xmas present because I won’t be able to travel then. The FU is, as soon as I activated the new lines, it put all 4 of our exiting phones into SOS mode. Meaning they can’t make phone calls. And because they are older they still make phone calls instead of texts. I got calls from random numbers (family’s next door neighbors) that made me think they were spam until they called me multiple times. I had to fess up to the fact that I got them new phones and ruined the nice surprise. Also I told them FaceTime should work on WiFi but they don’t use that app much. TL;DR - I accidentally activated my parents’ and grandma’s phone lines ahead of time and ruined the surprise that I got them new phones because they could no longer make phone calls in their current phones ...

Obligatory "this was actually yesterday" but you get the idea. So, I have a 16yo dog, 10yo daughter, 6yo son and 4yo son. My task list for the morning is: Drop off youngest at daycare Drop off middle child at elementary school Drop off oldest at middle school Drop off dog at senior doggy daycare Pick up coffee for myself and wife Return home with coffee I did: Drop off youngest at daycare Drop off middle child at elementary school Drop off oldest at middle school Pick up coffee for myself and wife Return home with coffee Now the discerning reader will note that my task list has 6 items but my executed task list has 5 items. However, the engineer in me would say that I successfully completed the story since the definition of done was "return home with empty car and two coffees". My wife is a product manager and tells me this is stupid but WTF do product managers know, right? Anyway, turns out middle child took dog with him when he left car. I was...

I sometimes sell and buy clothes on Vinted (if you don't know it, it's an online second hand platform) and it's pretty handy. I can get rid of my old clothes and get new ones sustainably. Well, some girl bought a t-shirt I listed. She's nice, payed quickly and I promised to send it off as soon as possible. When I went to pack it, I realized I'm out of envelopes and since my mom recently reorganized almost everything in the house I couldn't find our stash of envelopes and empty packages, so I asked her about it. She told me to check next to the printer and sure enough, there's a few empty envelopes. I take one, pack the t-shirt up, send it off the next day, everything's fine. Today the girl texts me "Hey, I assume you're gonna need those back?" and adds a picture. They're two pages of ultrasounds. I'm like "huh, that was an empty envelope, what kind of scam is this?" Then I check the actual data on the ultrasounds and n...

This was earlier - spring of this year. My (25M) brother (22M) and sister (14F) were heading to a restaurant to celebrate my brother's graduation from college. He lives in the same state as me, but it's a two-hour drive to visit. I'm sitting in the front seat, my siblings in the back. Mom's driving. Brother hands me a nickel from the back and jokingly says, "You should put this in Mom's CD player." Now, I want to walk you through my thought process. First thought: "That doesn't sound like a good idea." Second thought: "Well, it probably wouldn't go in anyway, if there's already a CD in there." Third thought: "There's a pretty quick way to find out whether or not there's already a CD in there." So, I inserted the nickel. There was not already a CD in there. (The whole interaction took about two seconds.) We all sat there in silence for about five seconds. Then, my brother asked, "Why the hell ...

Today we had an unexpected visit from Corporate at my office. Technically, we are not allowed to have food at our desks, however this is seen more as informal. Everyone- boss included- doesn’t follow it. As long as we clean up after ourselves and are mindful of allergens, we are good. We just clean up when Corporate visits. Normally a planned visit. So my boss is coming around quickly saying that they’re in the parking lot. I guess I missed the memo earlier this morning when I was in the bathroom? Anyways I’m sitting at my desk with the most gorgeous Bratwurst sausage on a bun- extra sauerkraut. This was purchased from the local international market down the street. In a state of panic I think to myself: I’m not giving up my sausage at peak freshness and temperature! At this point, I’m halfway through. I begin to shove the beacon of lunch down my gullet. They’re here now. Doing a tour, looks like my area will be last. I can do it. No. In my stupidity to rush-eat, I choke on a piec...

This didn't happen today but fairly recently. I moved across the country and had to get new photo ID and health card for this province. I'm not sure what happened but I guess in my rush to do the paperwork I checked the box for female instead of male. I didn't realize what had happened until a few months later when I got a letter in the mail saying it was time for my annual pap smear. My wife, friends and family all thought that was hilarious and said I should have called in for it and pretended to be ignorant for a laugh to see what their reaction was. I had been putting off going to get it fixed as it's hard for me to get days off during the week. I scheduled a vasectomy because the wife and I don't plan on having kids and part way through the conversation the receptionist said there was an issue with my health card. I knew right away what it was and had to explain the situation. I have to go get my info fixed now before it can happen because it's covered by...

Over the summer, I had a short fling with a man who got my attention on tinder with the message “I want to tie you up, fuck you, use toys on you, shower, cuddle, and then sleep.” I was horny and very down. It was probably a week before we actually met up, and I super enjoyed our text convo, felt like I got to know him and that we would jive in person. Finally met up —- one of those magical all day, all night, all next day kind of dates. He was so fun and very smart and introspective. He seemed super super into me, and vice versa. I felt amazing. Over the next week, we texted constantly and talked on the phone like every day. But, all the sudden, I stop hearing from him! A few days go by and I start to worry I’m getting ghosted. But it felt like we were beyond that point? After a few days of no contact (I tried to play it cool) I google him to see if there’s an obituary somewhere. Like I literally thought only his death would explain this. Instead I found a news article. On the day I...

My grandma asked if we were coming for the holiday and I happily said no. I expressed that for the first time in 3 years we have our own place and in looking forward to being home. I thought I was sharing good news with my family... members started laying into me because I could've told a better lie or simply said no. When I asked why they think I was lying, my uncle said it's because everybody knows I don't have the money to actually buy Thanksgiving food so what would I celebrate at home? Honestly that shocked me. I told him that it's not about the food, we just got a place and the money I've already made was spent to improve our home and buy groceries that weren't limited to 1 day. I explained that being able to sit inside my own home was worth celebrating and thankfully my wife stood by me. He said we should be allowed to come to my place for Thanksgiving and now nobody is taking to me because I said you can't gang up on me like this and actually thin...

This didn't happen today, but rather a few months back when I was in Thailand with my sister. This also is not a monumental fuck up at all, it could have been A LOT worse. For context; me (20m) and my sister (22f) both never travelled outside of Europe before this. We went to Thailand together as a bit of a 'fuck it'. We arrive in the evening, go to the Mcdonalds (this is a crime, I know). Next day we go explore Bangkok still a bit jet lagged. We are from the Netherlands and the biggest city I have ever been to is London, so Bangkok was a monster. Before we were able to get used to it a guy approaches us in near perfect English (learned later this is red flag one). He wrote some places for us to go on a piece of paper. He then calls a over a seemingly random tuktuk driver who proceeds to accept a deal for 50THB for more than 2 hours of driving around (red flag 2). They told us it's because it's a 'national holiday'. First, we go to a very unknown temple...

I can’t tell anyone in my life about this because me and my fiancé will look like ducking idiots. Our six month old Corgi was suuuuuper sleepy around 5 pm last night, snuggling up to us. Which is rare as she’s usually very active, alert and playful. Especially since she slept well and didn’t go on any walks. There was no reason to be this tired. We woke her up and her head was swaying when she looked at anything, she had a hard time keeping it up. Hmmm. She started walking and her movements looked wasted. Stumbling all over, almost falling. We prevented her from falling off the couch. She had a hard time peeing without falling over. I started freaking out and getting very concerned. We’ve had nearby animals act similar and thought it was distemper. I tripped balls. Called the emergency vet. We rushed her over and I was very stressed out and thought I was gonna cry. Eventually we brought her in - explained all of her symptoms, explained about the other animals and what we thought h...

I Went to the gym early in the morning because I couldn’t sleep, I have a problem with getting dizzy/fatigue when I go to the gym so I figured I’d pick up a snack and some drinks to keep me going, after I picked up a few things I noticed a protein shake, I have no idea how to read Japanese but the giant 21g of protein caught my eye, I picked it up because it was simple and quick and bike to the gym a block down, I spent a few hours there and towards the end I noticed my stomach wasn’t feeling alright, i went to the bathroom and dropped some weight and when that didn’t work I had to cut my work out short and bike back home. At this point I thought it was just bloating, I’ve drank a variety of protein shakes before and never had that issue but I’ve heard of it. I get home and decide it’s a good idea to give my lady some good morning fun time, halfway through I notice a change, it’s no longer just gas, I feel like I’m going to shit my pants. I rush to the bathroom and pass by a mirror an...

TIFU when I sent a thank you note to the people leading a search committee and named the wrong organization. I had a solid interview, then later on, sent a thank you note. Admittedly, I typed the thank you email on my phone, on the fly, during a meeting, and didn't catch that autocorrect had put in the name of a DIFFERENT and COMPETING organization instead of the org I interviewed with. I caught the mistake today and immediately sent a mea culpa explaining briefly what happened. I also said that I have nothing to do with the other org, which is 100% true. How bad did I mess up, team? Did I totally miss a great opportunity that I would love because of stupid autocorrect on my phone's part and bad proofreading and multitasking on my own? Argh. TL;DR - TIFU by not proofreading a post-job interview thank you note where autocorrect put in the name of a competing organization and I didn't catch it before sending--death to autocorrect--ugh.

Trigger warning: small injury to a dog. For some reason every morning when I wake up I feel very nauseous for about an hour, today was no different so I got dressed and I went to work. I am a bather at a grooming salon. By the time I got there my stomach mostly felt better but as I look back on it, my thoughts were like jumbled. Like it felt like I was thinking 7 things at the same time so none of them made any sense. It was time to start on my first dog so I grabbed the clippers and began trimming the nails. First nail was fine but the second nail I went a little bit too deep and hit the quick (blood vessel). I grabbed the powder we use for when this happens and began tending to the nail as my boss came over to see what happened. I got this overwhelming feeling that I was about to throw up so I tried to tell my boss so she could stay with the dog but the next thing I remember I was on the floor. Apparently I passed out. I've never passed out before. I went home afterwards becaus...

My dog has a sensitive tummy and sometimes will throw up as a result. He barfed on my bed the day before yesterday and I washed my sheets but was too lazy to put them on the bed so I slept on the couch. During the day he accepted some mild food in the morning so I thought he was well enough to have a normal dinner (but 1 1/2 cups dry instead of his normal 2 cups). Boy, was I wrong. Somewhere between 2-3 am I woke up on the couch to him next to me making the dreaded pre-throwup heaving sound. I tried to get him off the couch but he wouldn't, so I tried to drag his 75 lb butt off and I fell backwards with him on top of me... directly on to my stair stepper- the full force of my taint hitting the metal edge. I am in horrible pain but I manage to get him over to the floor where he throws up (ideal, easiest cleanup). Once he's done I tell him to go in his crate and I go stumble half-asleep into the bathroom to strip and wash my arms which were elbow deep in vomit. Apparently whi...

Hello, today i fucked up because i stole something from the store and the very lovely employee noticed it.. This happened less than 10 minutes ago so its fresh in my mind and I seriously need a place to vent about it. Hi, I'm a 19 (f) who has had addictions ever since I can remember, first it was gaming, sweets, eating disorders, energy drinks cigarettes' porn and now recently shoplifting. Shoplifting started happening to me around 3 years ago. starting small with a tiny chocolate and it kept getting bigger and bigger (vapes, makeup, clothes, art supplies hell even stole a giant ass scale back when my eating disorder was more active) the shoplifting hauls kept getting more extreme that even just last week I stole a good 300usd worth of goodies.I was so ""good at getting away with it""" (a.k.a got addicted) that i do it in almost every day whenever i enter any store! I started to justify it in my head in many ways blaming capitalism doing this for a ...

So idk if its everywhere but in Poland where i am from kys is like a whole ass joke. You usually say it when u like disagree with someone or just for giggles. It even got nominated for the word most popular amongs youth this year. So, thinking it wont do much damage i wrote it to my sister in reply in our group chat. She started ignoring me for like weeks and didnt even look at me which is hard because we literally share a room. I was clueless what I did to make her this mad and cold towards me. Well.. my mom told me today that she broked down crying because of all this. I am so ashamed and I could not regret this more. I hate making people hurt with my comments and I never anticipate to do so if I could rewind time id do anything to not say it ever again. I love my sister and I truly hope she will forgive me TL;DR said kys to my sister and she wont talk to me

Hi Reddit. A few years ago, I injured my shoulder doing some dumb activity that I don’t remember. I thought at the time I tore my rotator cuff cause my shoulder was really hurting, and I couldn’t move it fully. Any time I raised my arm, it wouldn’t let me go past a certain point without a lot of pain. I didn’t use it very much for about a month to try and “heal” it myself due to not being able to afford going to the doctor, and that seemed to help it! The pain went away when I wasn’t using it, and I thought that my injury was finally healing. Yay! I started working out, and my shoulder pain came back with a vengeance. But I was stubborn - I wasn’t going to let my injury hold me back. I pushed through the pain because I figured if my shoulder got stronger, the muscles being built up would compensate for the “tear,” and eventually I wouldn’t even notice it was there, right? So that’s what I did. And it actually worked a lot better than I expected it to! Over time, through working out...

My husband and I recently bought a house that needed serious updating. We had old carpet and nasty tile (including asbestos) removed, and then installed gorgeous new finish in place red oak, stained a light color. Today I decided to paint my living room sherwin Williams Salty Dog (a very dark blue) and, being somewhat lazy and hating painting with the fire of a thousand suns, decided to try a paint sprayer. I got a Magnum X5, so not super cheap but not top if the line, watched some videos, and started. We prepped everything using tape and some of that tape with plastic sheeting attached. While my husband left to run an errand, I started painting. It looked great, and after a few issues (like it stopping when it still had 20% of the paint left in the gallon) I was done. Then I noticed it Paint. Specifically, aerosolized blue paint that I didn’t realize was coming up in a cloud as I painted. All over my gorgeous new floors. It’s EVERYWHERE. The floor in the living room and part of th...

She told me straight up that she couldn’t function without hitting her vape constantly. She said she even slept with it so she could hit it first thing in the morning and right before sleeping. I thought she was joking… I should have listened. She proceeded to hit her vape mid-hookup and it was the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen. Immediate boner-killer. Add on the shitty music that was playing way too loudly, the constant need to stop/readjust because her hips weren’t flexible, and just starfishing in general — safe the say it was the worst sexual experience I’ve ever had. It’s a bummer because she was a very kind and funny person outside of that. But man… switching positions to go on your stomach and then reaching to hit the vape during sex is peak fiend behavior. Or I’m bad at sex and I just bored her. Occam’s razor I guess :/ TL;DR - hooked up with a girl who hit her vape while having sex and it was the biggest turn off I’ve ever experienced.

This needs some fucking explanation. I (13M) was really bored in class, it was 4th period and some boring ass lecture about Bangladesh's water problems. I took a little nap and had a good ass dream. From what I remember I was speeding and Megan Fox in her prime was a cop and I found that bitch mad fine, we went to a bar and we started fucking. Honestly the best dream my ass had in a while but thats not important. Then my fucking SCIENCE TEACHER woke my ass up asking a question about the video. Our asses were just about to get to the good part of out sexathon so being brought to reality scared me. My ass was as hard as the fucking eiffel tower and if i was awake 2 MORE MINUTES there would have been a whole ass eruption from Mount Krakatoa. I said some stupid ass thing about the video I knew beforehand, and that was all, I thought. My dumbass thought it would be a good idea to tell my friends, who have since been spreading the story like wildfire and have been making fun of my cop d...

Back in 2015 I had been friends with this girl and after spending a lot of time together I ended up asking her out. She rejected me, and said that I was a nice guy but she prefers taller men. We continued to be friends and talked almost daily. Well one night she had started offering nudes, trying to sext and offering to meet up. My immediate reaction was to jump on the opportunity, but I had a weird gut feeling. So I straight up told her that I found it odd that even though she had already told me I wasn't attractive to her, she was trying to start up this kind of conversation. And eventually it had came out that it wasn't really that she wanted to sleep with me, she was just using sex as a coping mechanism because she had been dealing with a lot that day. She had said she appreciated that I didn't just go along with it, knowing that she had already told me she didn't want anything more than friendship from me. But damn was I an idiot, I should have just slept with h...