greenmangostudio

So yeah, I didn't use the condoms today but the TIFU did happen today. My partner and I had just come back from a trip so we were in the process of storing things and everything when she found a pack of 3 condoms with only 1 remaining. Obviously, she thinks I used them for something else and shit is ensuing. ​ So as for the backstory, we were in our hometown for the last few months and we both stay with our parents, so we end up being split up at least for the work hours and then I go to visit her at her parent's house and return to sleep at mine. During one of the days, there was talk about her going to where I was staying so on an errand to buy some stuff from the pharmacy I picked up some good ol' condoms in hope of something happening. Of course, nothing did, because we were always doing something else and didn't have time for that to happen. So me, being the idiot I am, decided to watch porn someday and use them to avoid the clean-up. It does feel weird to use t...

This happened a bit over a week ago. I have been talking to this girl for some time. Let's call her Ann. We decided to go to her place and hang out. One thing led to another and we were making out, and were about to have sex. Noticing it was her first time, I went really slowly. After popping the cherry the blood started flowing. We did not notice it at first, because we had the lights off. We continue having sex, and when changing positions we noticed quite a bit of blood, but we both thought that was normal after losing virginity, so we carried on. After finishing, it was like a blood bath. I have never seen so much blood. We showered and got dressed. But the blood was still coming out. Me being nervous as heck, used the old "trusty" google to check if this is normal. After reading through quite a few posts, I thought that this was ok (now that I think about it was NOT ok), so we just kept hanging out until I had to go home. Of course through this whole time I asked ...

For the past few weeks I've been getting an update notification for my phone. I kept ignoring it, as one does, but I decided to just get it over with. So my phone updated, I turn it on: it wouldn't let me unlock it. So I shut it off, turn it on, again it won't unlock. Eventually I got it to unlock, the update conpleted and I put my phone down to go to bed. I turn over in bed, trying to fall asleep. My phone keeps lighting up and I'm ignoring it, thinking its notifications from the update. It was not. I roll back over to see why my phone keeps going off and get an incoming call from my brother. He works nights so its not unusual that he's up, but its very unusual that he's calling me at 3 am. "Where are you?" Is the first thing he said. "In my room...why?" He goes on to tell me that I sent him, my mother, my father, and my best friend an SOS message, black images, and an audio clip. My heart dropped into my stomach. I had enabled the SO...

Prefacing this by saying that I am madly in love with this woman, she is gorgeous, and I have no negative feedback to give about her looks (and, if I ever did one day, I wouldn't be an ass when bringing it up). With that out of the way... Both my fiancee and I are physically active and in good shape, but we have been trying to make some modest improvements over the last few months. This morning she weighed herself, and expressed disappointment that her weight had gone up slightly from last week. "What are you at?" I asked. "144" she replies. Without any thought, I blurt out "Gross!" Because 144 (or a dozen dozens) is also known as a "gross". You all knew that right? Right? My beautiful, loving, wonderful fiancee did NOT know this. Cue a surprised and hurt look from her, and immediate backpedalling and frantic google searching from me to explain my bad joke. Thankfully, I was able to make my case that I was just an idiot and no other m...

This one is a little vulgar/gross, so just be warned. Also, this happened a couple of years ago but I decided that today? I'd be a nice guy and share it with all of you. Had a chocolate craving and remembered the unopened jar of Hershey's Hot Fudge™ in the cabinet. If you've never seen this, it's basically fudge that is vacuum-packed into a glass jar that melts/expands when heated up. So I grabbed myself a table-spoon and went to town. Before I knew it, I had consumed about 1/2 the jar. Then I go about my life as normal for another a week or so. ...Or so I thought. What I didn't notice is I hadn't been paying anywhere near as many visits to the bathroom. In fact I can't recall if I'd used the bathroom at all . That is until I get the rumbling of a lifetime. So I say "let's go!" and hop to the restroom. First sign of a problem : nothing is moving. I can feel it, I have to go, but there's nothing coming. But I pull up my pants and go...

Sorry for the wall of text, on mobile and formatting is hard. I was supposed to get married on Friday. The night before, I asked my partner to show me her Instagram direct messages. I’ve been cheated on many times in the past, and this wouldn’t be my first marriage. When the gut knows, it knows. She willingly obliged, and immediately I noticed there was a message thread from a guy, whom she now had blocked, as of about 2 weeks ago. At first she would barely scroll back, and say “see? It’s just talking about cats and stuff.” But, I could tell she was intentionally trying to control the scrolling to avoid things. I pressed the guy’s name so it showed a list of all attachments in the thread, and sure enough there was a nude she had sent me back in September. I said “I thought you said you took that the same day you sent it to me?” She tried lying by saying “ok I actually took it before that, so this was from way before”. So I asked her to scroll to that day in September, and sure enough...

Note: This wasn't today, the event happened around 2 months ago. Note #2: My personality prior to this incident could be described as arrogant, bitter, depressive, and pessimistic. I was diagnosed with depression, and I tried it all, from SSRIs to counselors to get rid of these feelings, but nothing helped. I quit all medication years ago prior to this event, as I sort of “gave up” on trying, and accepted the fact that my brain was “faulty”, per se. It was a normal night, like any other. I was home, and went to sleep around 11PM, like usual. I didn't take any medicine or drugs. Off I went. Woke up around 3 AM, as something was hurting me in my chest area. The pain got a bit intense, and I sat up and started googling what the problem could potentially be, because I can totally diagnose myself on WebMD. Anyways, as I was reading through the whole list of potential causes for chest pain - my anxiety-filled ass thought I was having a heart attack. I jumped out of bed and went ...

So you know those brown chip things in chex mix? Well I absolutely just love them so much. Like they are amazing and so addictive. I buy chex mix a lot, solely for those brown chips inside. I do not like to waste food so the rest of the mix (which i hate) I just put in containers and whenever people come over I put some out. Anyway I had a friend come over and I put out some chex mix and other snacks. They are eating from it and we are chatting, when they tell me I must have got a bad mix because there was no brown chips inside. I explained to them that I just them all (lmao) and leave the rest for guests. They just stare at me before asking why I dont buy just a bag of the brown chips. And I was just like thats a thing??? And well apparently it is! So I went and bought a punch of bags and I'm like so happy lol. TL;DR: Only ate the brown chips in the chex mix bag, allowing for five huge containers to be filled with chex mix, when I could have bought the brown chips separately. ...

I bought my house about 15 years ago. It was an old house and a bit of a fixer-upper, but it was cozy and in a fantastic neighborhood. At the time, I had been in a relationship for about 7 years with a woman that had an incredibly healthy sex drive (bless her for that). I'd say, on average, we probably had sex 4 times a week, sometimes more. I only mention this to say that my own libido had grown quite accustomed to this arrangement. Sadly, only 2 or 3 days after I had closed on the house and began moving in, she sat me down to tell me that she had met someone, and as I had been her first and only serious relationship, coupled with the pressure of me getting a house and talking marriage, well, she wasn't ready to settle down yet and wanted to go do more living. It was emotional, but ultimately amicable. Needless to say, she didn't move with me. Back to the house. It had been built in 1947, and apparently no owner had ever gotten cable TV. When I went to get internet conn...

By regretfully coming out as gay (actually bi) So basically last year September I was having an argument with my mum (can’t remember what it was about) but we ended it off kinda well and she said “IK you tell me everything and I hope it stays that way” so I responded with “well I don’t tell you everything..” so ofc she wanted to know what was going on. It was midnight so I told her that I’d tell her tomorrow. I tried avoiding her the next day but I failed. As soon as she saw me she asked. I panicked. I blurted out “mom, I’m bi”. I thought she’d be fine with it because she has never had anything against the community but boy was I wrong. She didn’t believe me and called it a phase; a disgrace; a trend.. She told me not to tell anyone because I’m probably just confused. Every time we have an argument she brings it up and calling me… well hurtful homophobic stuff that I won’t mention. I don’t want to get too personal but her attitude towards me has changed a lot. She ignores me, gets ma...

So I've had a bad few weeks, not really taken too good care of stuff but that's improving; on that improvement list is to properly shave again, y'know, look nice again. So I hop in the shower, grab my electric razor aaaand it's dead. Bollocks I delve into the toiletries bag to grab my razor aaaand it's blades have rusted. (Thanks Gillette for the crappy grade stainless) Then I remember a while back I made a fixed blade straight razor, tried it out and while it worked it was a bit fiddly to use so I put it to one side and forgot about it, but for shaving body hair it might work. So I try it out on my torso and good god its like a scythe through wheat, one clean swipe and my skin is bare, fantastic! So I trim away, neaten up edges and move lower to my stomach, not the slightest nick, gaining confidence, then a bit lower, then lower still to some more difficult, delicate surfaces then... Oops... Huh... Oh... OH, that's blood... It wasn't bad but be...

So this was actually a while back when I was in high school. I just got back from school and decided I was gonna head over to the bathroom and choke the chicken whilst watching some explicit content. I was about 5 minutes in when I received a call from my mother who was at work. I picked up the phone and she said to hand my phone to my dad (My dad rarely ever picks up his phone). So I walk upstairs while fully chubbed, and hand the phone to my dad. They had their conversation, and my mother hung up. MY EXPLICIT CONTENT CONTINUES TO PLAY AT FULL VOLUME. And as soon as I heard it I immediately snatched my phone from my fathers hand. He asked, what was that? And I was like oh that was just some weird YouTube video I was watching. And rushed downstairs in embarrassment. TL;DR: I was spankin it after school, and my mom called me while my porn was still running on my phone and told me to hand my phone to my dad. I did exactly that and once they were done with their conversation my porn con...

I had been working at a major hospital in my state as front desk. I was however not happy with my pay rate as well as the unorganized staff at the back. I had to get into confrontation with patients because the back staff did not want to get certain things straight. I decided it was time for me to just get another job with better pay. I finally did get a job offer and just decided to quit immediately my current job and join the new one. Who new this was going to be the biggest regret of my life. I soon realized that my new job had deadlines to meet by the end of each day and I would be spending the entire day by myself. I am now extremely close to falling into deep depression as I hate my current job even more. I know there is no going back anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep properly for the last few days. This is the first time a new job made me cry so hard. I now learned my lesson that sometimes a low paying job with easy tasks is much more comfortable than a high paying job th...

It actually isn't that bad of a fuck up and ended up being more of a funny story to tell than anything. Early last semester I was looking for skiing buddies at my college/local colleges so I posted on Yik Yak saying I was looking for people to ski with. I met this girl and she seemed cool. We had so much in common in terms of hobbies and stuff and I thought she was beautiful. Our skiing plans sort of fell through because we had season passes to different mountains and lift tickets are super expensive, and we're both college students. I finally asked if she wanted to get coffee sometime. She said yes and I was excited. The date came around but school got in the way so we rescheduled. Tonight we were texting and she asked if I meant it as a date, and said that she was lesbian but would love to go as friends since it'd be fun. I was bummed because I was into her but ended up finding the whole situation hilarious, and I'm still happy that I have a friend now with some sim...

Today my son, who is into car mechanics, replaced the rear struts on my old car. I was pretty excited about his and gave him my credit card to take his friends out to lunch. Afterwards he was supposed to bring it back home. He didn't and I texted him about it and he said he put it in the center console. With the car break-ins, I didn't like that idea and told him to bring it back home. He stopped responding to my texts. I called a bunch of times without him picking up. So, I looked up his location on the apple find my mac program. He was in a parking lot very close to our house. I thought it would be funny to run over to get the card, I also thought he was smoking pot with his friends. So, I roll up on him with my headlights illuminating the car. Well, he was not smoking pot, he was getting down with his girlfriend. This is something I never even contemplated. He laughed, she was mortified. TLDR: I thought it would be funny finding my teenage son smoking pot in the car with h...

This just happened. I was getting ready to take a shower and remembered that I hadn't fed my dogs, so I wrapped myself in the towel and went outside to give their food. As I was going back inside, I looked to my left and saw that I didn't put my bike in the... don't really know how to call that (it was originally a sauna but no one ever used it so now it's like a warehouse), but it's the place I keep it. As I thought about letting to do it after the shower I slap myself for being a procrastinator and decided to just ride the bike there in the way I was. Well, not the smartest idea. It's about 50 meters from the entrance to the "warehouse" which is a distance I think is ok not wanting to walk but stupid nonetheless. How many of you probably guessed, my towel got tangled up on the wheel and I fell dick first on the handlebar. Now my right thigh and the base of my penis are bruised all over. Also cut my toe but this part doesn't matter. TLDR: R...

Well, two days ago, after school, my friend and I were walking around school bored, and I asked him questions like, Should I do this? Should I do that? A few moments later, I asked him if I should try to cling to the false ceiling, he said yes, and without thinking, I immediately jumped and broke a bit of the ceiling, it did not come off, but it broke, and there was debris on the floor. I ran immediately, and he followed slowly behind me. I knew I was screwed, but I hoped I would not be caught for what I just did. We walked away that day without telling a teacher or anyone. The day after, during lunch, we were called into the office and had to apologize. They showed us footage of what happened and it looked really dumb. They then talked about the damages because I had to pay for it and that my parents were also going to be notified. The teacher also told me that if I were honest and told them when I broke the ceiling on the same day, I would not have had to pay for the damages? ? They...

today i fucked up by calling my mom a whore in front of my entire class and teachers. Obligatory not today, but yesterday. Just to preface, I am from the Netherlands, but I live in Prague, and go to an international school. Yesterday we came back from a 3 day school trip. at 16:00 we were getting in the bus to leave, when I received a text from my dad, I'm at the pickup point, how far out are you. I told him were just leaving and would arrive at like 18:00. He got the timing wrong. He apologized and told me that there was a pizza in the freezer, and I should watch a movie or something, and enjoy myself, as my sister was out with friends, and he and my mother had a dinner appointment. I said no problem, and that was that. Cut to about an hour later, and my mom calls me. everyone one the bus is silently listening to music, but about 75% of people have only one ear covered She apologized and said that she could cut dinner short, and leave early. I told her not to, and that I would ...

Yesterday I (20M) came from my mom's house to my dad's apartment to stay for the week, but when I arrived, my dad wasn't home. So I, being the dirty little pig boy that I am, decided to look at porn and masturbate. I jacked off, came and cleaned up same as usual, but I noticed that I didn't came as much as normal, since I didn't have to clean as much. I didn't think much of it, and carried off with my day. Later, when my dad arrived, we greeted, started chatting when suddenly my dad looks horrified at my computer on the table beside us and said loudly "What the fuck is that???" so I looked at my computer and realized there was a huge ass dried dripping cumstain on the back of my laptop. I stupidly said that I didn't know, and rushed to get a wipe to clean it off. I know masturbating is completely normal, and I know for a fact my dad does it too, but it was very embarrassing nonetheless. *and if you´re wondering how my cum landed on the back of my...

Yeah this was actually last week. I don't know what to do, I just need this off my chest. It started out as a normal beer with friends, last Friday. We always go to the same pub to start, sometimes stay there all night. It's a cool pub which only plays heavy rock/metal. If you're sick of chart music or pop it's a great spot to hang out and play pool. We got there, I paid for a round of drinks for us and we started out the night smashing Metallica and Sabbath on the jukebox. The friends I'm with have other friends there who I'm less acquainted with, but I know of their faces and vaguely their names. So as we're drinking and picking songs, a few girls walk over to my pals with the usual "heyyy how you doing" etc. The woman I'm talking about is one of these friends, and introduced herself to me. She was nice, tomboyish, quite good looking and I had fun chatting with her. She asked me to put Bruno Mars on in this pub - first red flag. A few mor...

This happened two days ago. I am on vacation in Mexico, staying at a resort with my wife’s parents and my parents are 30 minutes away at another hotel. Two days ago we all ventured into town for lunch. On our walk I noticed a bunch of pharmacies advertising medicine than would require a prescription in the U.S. We decide on our place for lunch but have 30 minutes to kill. My curiosity got the better of me so I walked into the closest pharmacy to assess the situation. I was in shock as the pharmacist explained I could buy anything without a prescription. Options included Xanax, steroid, viagra, and obviously pain killers. I don’t abuse pills and I rarely drink but I like to have fun once in a while. For example the last time I did coke was 2 years, Xanax every couple of months. Everything in moderation. So how could I pass this up? A nice painkiller to take before bed and another for the beach the next day? So I bought 2 pills for $60 USD. I told my wife and she was a little skeptica...

So I'm the kind of guy who likes to have some unique projects on the go. One I did last year was making absinthe but to a more classic recipe. It was hard to find a precise recipe so I just found as many as i could that referred to old botanicals used and cobbled it together. I made this by macerating the ingredients in 45% ethanol for a few weeks and then distilling it off to about 75%. The ingredients were as follows: 100g Wormwood (Artemisia Absinthium - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemisia_absinthium 25g Dittany (Ballota pseudodictamnus - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ballota_pseudodictamnus ) 25g Elecampane (Inula Helenium - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elecampane ) 25g Dittany (Dictanmus Albus - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dictamnus ) 25g Tansy (Tanacetum vulgare - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tansy ) 25g Sweet flag root (Acorus calamus - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acorus_calamus ) 25g Angelica - (Angelica archangelica - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ange...

I'll preface this by saying that I have congenital anosmia, meaning that I was born without a sense of smell. I was making a pair of saddlebags for my motorcycle and I had to glue two large sheets of leather to each other. I know from others that the leather cement has a particularly noxious smell that is hard to get rid of (also, ghetto kids inhale this shit to get high), so I decided to do the gluing on the balcony. My apartment has a windowed-off balcony that I use as a small workshop (it has a surface area of 3 sqm so really tiny). Obviously, I closed the door to the main room but forgot to open the window for some reason. I start spreading out the glue over the large sheets of leather, listening to music, etc. I emphasize that it was a lot of glue spread over a very large surface so it must have had insane amount of solvent vapor or whatnot coming from it. Of course, me having no ability to smell, I don't realize that I have turned my workshop into a gas chamber, so I ...

TIFU and I feel terrible. Today the family and I went to have a fun day out. It's the last few days of school holidays. It was a stinking hot day. A waterslide was perfect!! So exciting to go up the tower waiting for your turn to slide. So many kids having fun. Everyone was happy. Perfect fun for the little ones. Happy days!! Happy memories!!! Fabulous!!! Suddenly, the official at the top of the tower says we must turn back. He says, "the slide is now closed, we see lightning". I look across the skies and sure enough, notice there really is some lightning in the distance, albeit quite far away. So everyone calmly, begrudgingly, heads back down the stairs. There's a collective disappointment, as we make the slow gradual descent back. As I just happened to be the only adult in the situation I thought it might be a good opportunity to explain to my kids exactly what was going on. I try to be scientific..."Well the issue is if lightning strikes this tower which ...

The background: I've been a member of a dojo for about 5 years now and my family are close friends with a lot of the teachers. We meet outside class occasionally to chat so a wisecrack at me in class sometimes happens in good fun. I also play a whole lot of D&D and I'm a bit of a forever DM. Due to the pandemic, both of these activities have moved to zoom. On one hand it doesn't give the same experience, but on the other I can use a screen name to let people who haven't played with me yet know who's the DM. The Fuck Up: I log onto a zoom karate class and immediately something is up. The Shihan (senior teacher for anyone not well versed in martial arts or Japanese) is cracking up. I think "Oh someone must have told a joke while they were waiting for everyone to arrive", turn on my audio, and get on with class. Towards the end Shihan goes "Alright everyone I know that was a hard class but at least we've got God himself is here to answer questi...

TIFU by admitting my sexual history to my girlfriend after initially lying about it. At the beginning of my relationship, my girlfriend point-blank asked me how many sexual partners I have had. I was caught off guard by the question and thought it was kind of weird so I lied about it. Six months later after the topic was brought up again in a conversation I started to feel really guilty about the lie. I came clean to her about my past and she took it well at first, but I could see the wheels spinning in her head. She eventually was only mad about the lie, which is understandable, but the trust in the relationship is absolutely destroyed. She already isn't a very physically touch inclined partner, so that appeal for her dropped to rock bottom. I don't know if it will be salvageable in the long run, because I could see this coming up again I.E. in an argument. TL:DR - I admitted my sexual history after lying about it initially, girlfriend didn't take it well and giving me c...

At my gym over the past couple of months I've noticed a cute girl who works out around the same time I do and I was interested in asking her out, but I'm kind of awkward and I don't approach girls in the gym. A few times I've seen her talk to a guy who she seems to be friends with, I haven't seen anything romantic or flirtatious between them and I was pretty confident they weren't together. So my awkward self decided to talk to the guy and ask him if she was single (very junior high of me I know). He said he had no idea, that they know each other because they used to work together, and have been friends ever since. As he was talking she came walking over to us, and before I could stop him he turned to ask her: (Paraphrasing what I remember) Him: hey are you single? Becau- Her: God it's about time! I have been waiting forever for you to ask me out. Him: uh... Her: ...is that not what you were asking? Him: yeah it is! Are you free Saturday? Her: absol...

Didn't happen today but thought I'd share. So my office manager at work is 61 and she is an absolute babe (she's not a regular mom, she's a cool mom' vibe). We have great banter and can be quite boisterous together. Anyway, I was coming out of the tube station the other day and I thought I saw her, there was a lady quite far ahead of me who had the the height, hair cut, and also dressed the same way as my office manager. So I called my office manager's name out a couple of times, and she didn't turn around so I thought that she couldn't hear me or had headphones in or something. I ran up to her so I was side by side, and went 'OI' really loudly and to my horror, it was not her, but an older than 61 year old lady. I was absolutely mortified, the poor woman jumped out of her skin, I jumped out of mine on realising it wasn't who I thought it was, and I immediately started apologising profusely and explained that I thought she was someone else...

I always hate on TIFU posts because they so rarely happened “today.” But then I realized I have a great one that happened years ago, so I get it now. Aaanyway I used to work for Safeway. For those who may not know it is a massive supermarket/grocery chain on the US West Coast. Being in Northern California we have a robust and amazing Mexican population. Great people the lot. Also being in California it can get pretty hot in the 104-108 F range at the peak of summer. Now I am a mayonnaise-white, ranch dipping, polo wearing cracker. I had this one Mexican coworker named Jesus. Great dude, funny, obsessed with women, and loved to fuck with me but not ALL the time. Usually just cool. I was lower management and had a LOT of Spanish-speaking customers and a lot of Spanish speaking staff. I wanted to learn some Spanish and was picking up job-related terms here and there; bolsa, ayuda, javes and such. It allowed me to try to converse with my customers and staff better and learn along the ...

So, for context, I’m a 25 year old woman. I have a full-time job, I pay my rent, my car, my bills, etc. I put money into retirement accounts, I’m in a long-term, healthy relationship. I pride myself on being a pretty independent adult and having my shit together. I realized the extent of my fu today, but it has actually been years in the making. When I was in college, we had a 24 hour Walgreens pretty close to campus. I went there for everything, but with it being open 24 hours, I mostly went there for late night snacks and booze. Or condoms. I mean, I did go there occasionally for everyday things, to be fair, but I definitely went there for a good amount of “late night activities.” The first time I went, they asked if I had a phone number with a rewards account or whatever. So what do I do? Like any sensible college student, I punched in my mom’s phone number, and it works! Because of course Mom has a rewards account! So every time I went, I put in her phone number and used whatever...

Ahaaaaaaaaa, this is embarrassing but I just want to get it off my chest. I'm a 20 y/o BTW. I get to work as a sports photographer for an ongoing football event. Matchday 1 : There's this girl, a volunteer making sure everything is in place. She's standing next to where I was photographing. After a little "hi-hello", we talk at the half time and I tell her about the football organization I work with. A nice little conversation and then the night ends. So, this event is behind closed doors and we're supposed to get covid tested before every matchday. A day before matchday 2 : We meet, another "hi-hello" and a nice little conversation . This time we exchange Instagram IDs and vibe over how we both have broken phones. Matchday 2 : We meet again at the same place, but I've to shoot some videos. So, I have a rushed conversation with her. Me & my team had to leave early cause the match got cancelled. At this point it's become an inside ...

Well for starters this was several years ago when I was a young police officer in a college town in the South. I am retired now. To set this up our department had been teaching us American Sign Language to help officers serve the public. I was all about learning sign language and picked some up pretty quickly, or so I thought. Well one night in the summer I am on traffic enforcement looking for drunk drivers and about 1am I stop a car for speeding. As approach the car a young and very pretty co-ed was driving. I start talking to her but she indicates that she is Deaf. Now I still had the ASL for police officers class from a week ago fresh in my mind and I think to myself “great I get to use a new talent in the field”. I indicate that I can sign and she smiles, so far so good! Now I need to add that I was nervous since this was the first time I had used this on the street and she was very pretty. I then sign that I needed to see her drivers license. A look of terror crossed her face an...

I (M24) was told that you should not open a condom with your mouth, the reasoning being you could cut the condom with your teeth. However, in the heat of the moment one wants to be sexy and it's the only way (I've managed) to unwrap one with one hand while putting the other to good use. I figured that with today's latex technology and if I just tear the corner of the wrapper, that it shouldn't be an issue. Only did it for three months until today. What was a wonderful morning quickie turned into an awful start to the day when the second I finished the tip of the condom ripped... I felt it and pulled out but it was too late. My poor girl was terribly stressed but thankfully she works from home. So I just got her plan B, some macaroons, and her favorite coffee. I hope it helps her but it marred a great night and what could have been a great start to the day. Tl;dr I opened a condom with my mouth and it ripped as I came inside a girl.

tifu. This happened just now, aside from several minutes of screaming, and then a quick shower. I like to drink hot tea in the morning. The hotter the better, especially in the winter. My favorite mug is a giant two hander, with my first initial on it. Anyways, I made my morning tea, and right as I finished stirring in the honey, I felt the sudden and immediate urge to shit. So being the gross person that I am, I took my tea with me to the bathroom. Everything was fine until I tried to drink from my mug with one hand. It slipped right before it got to my lips, and fell all down my chest, stomach, and package. Honestly, my dick got the least of the burn, but you can't tell that to all those nerve endings. Needless to say, I will not be drinking hot tea naked again, unless I'm leaning over the sink. Maybe I should learn to appreciate iced tea? Tl;dr I spilled hot tea on my dick. Woe is me!

I (M24) was told that you should not open a condom with your mouth, the reasoning being you could cut the condom with your teeth. However, in the heat of the moment one wants to be sexy and it's the only way (I've managed) to unwrap one with one hand while putting the other to good use. I figured that with today's latex technology and if I just tear the corner of the wrapper, that it shouldn't be an issue. Only did it for three months until today. What was a wonderful morning quickie turned into an awful start to the day when the second I finished the tip of the condom ripped... I felt it and pulled out but it was too late. My poor girl was terribly stressed but thankfully she works from home. So I just got her plan B, some macaroons, and her favorite coffee. I hope it helps her but it marred a great night and what could have been a great start to the day. Tl;dr I opened a condom with my mouth and it ripped as I came inside a girl.

I was in a very important and large Zoom meeting today at work with my boss, my colleagues, and folks from a high profile account we have. Now, he is the kind of boss that has very high expectations of his employees and will call you out if you are unprofessional or do something he thinks will make him or the company look bad in front of a customer. He is not unreasonable, but if you work for him for any amount of time you learn that he has no tolerance for unprofessional behavior and will call you out on it. In the Zoom meeting it was understood that we, as his team, were to be on our best behavior. My boss also has one of those faces where you can tell everything he is thinking. The meeting went great, but the look on his face as members of the team were talking was one of “I am watching you closely and you better make us look good.” I had my camera off as the meeting was wrapping up, so I opened a text to my best friend and basically said “My boss is staring down the team through...

I was talking to my techie brother the other day, I'm kinda a techie too, he's much older than me so we never really got to share interests growing up. We chatted, and laughed a lot (I did), and talked about VR and AR, and some random tech news, and ended up realizing we both like Reddit. He mentioned his account name, and how old it is, I didn't write it down or anything. Later I saw a sub that he had mentioned, and started following it, I got to thinking, and wanted to see his account. He's a smartie with a great sense of humor, so I thought he would post cool stuff that I would like, and maybe teach me something with his wise, humorous comments. I could only remember the first part of his account name, and how old it was, so I searched with that. EVERY SINGLE USER ACCOUNT WAS NSFW. I shrugged that off thinking maybe he has made silly jokes or something. So I clicked on the first account of the correct age range... And saw a man's wangdangler just-a-wangdangling...

This fuck up began a week ago at my miserable work cubicle where I was tasked with finding welcome back gift for employees as our office is switching from remote to in person finally. I start surfing the internet and found a gift basket company with considerably low prices (should’ve been the first red flag). It was $20 each for a very nice basket with basic stuff inside so I order 50 for the office think nothing of it and go back to work. The baskets were arriving today so I went in to get them setup and boy did I fuck up. Two trucks came with not 50, but 5 HUNDRED gift baskets. I tried to explain my fuckup to no avail and told I was on the hook for it. My boss is still out of town so gonna have to make that phone call today. TLDR: accidentally ordered 500 gift baskets for an office of 50 UPDATE: After about 20 minutes of being berated on the phone this fuck up is going to cost me to be suspended without pay for two weeks. He didn’t appreciate the sight of all 500 gift baskets ...

So I was on a date with this guy I've met a few months ago on a seminar. We we're texting frequently, I didn't like him much at first, I just wasn't in a mood for getting to know someone, but the more we've talked, the more I was interested because he's really smart, polite and gentle. Finally we've decided we shoud go on a date. We met during a daytime, went bowling and had a lunch together. It was really nice, the talk was very good, we laughed a lot and I really enjoyed every minute of that 4-5 hour date. Did you ever feel nervous when the first date is about to end? You just don't know how to say goodbye to them because you don't know if it's too soon for a kiss, or should you hug, or just wave each other and go separate ways... Well, I was really nervous and overthinking and in those moments, while we were walking through the square, I wasn't paying attention to anyone or anything. When we got to the point where we say goodbye, he was...

I am a white person who works the register at a gas station in a tight-knit, predominantly African-American neighborhood (yes, this is relevant to the story). Everyone knows everyone. Yesterday, while I was checking out a customer's items, my manager came up and let me know that someone under 21 had been sold cigarettes, so we would need to crack down on ID'ing anyone who looks under 40. The customer I was serving looked under 40, so I fell into my script without thinking and asked for an ID. He got very upset, and it took me a couple of seconds to realize what I'd done; he was only buying soda and chips. I apologized profusely, told him he didn't need an ID, and explained what happened. He still didn't look pleased (understandable) but seemed to accept my apology, paid, and left. This morning, I woke up to a "wtf" text from one of my friends. It was a screenshot of a Facebook post, which was a picture of me, my name, and the gas station I work at. T...

So today is my first day for this particular class. As usual, I have first day jitters and I am overthinking everything. I triple check that I have my notebook, pens, laptop, etc. I do my makeup and dress up in this cute light sun dress. It helps with my confidence if I am happy with what I am wearing. I also put on a fluffy penny coat that falls just below my thigh. This will matter later. Class is in about 10 minutes, and I am about to walk over when I realize I need to pee. It's a two hour lecture so I decide to use the restroom really fast. This is where the fuck up comes into play. What I didn't realize, is that in my hurry, the bottom of my dress got caught on my panties when I pulled them back up. This dress is super thin and light, so I litteraly did not feel it tucked up in there. And since I had that long penny coat on, I still felt fabric against my butt. Thus, I had no idea that under my coat, I had just created a draped display of my ass. Fast forward, I come i...

The title essentially says it all. I've been selling cars now for about a year. Near the end of this past summer I met a customer on the lot. We exchanged information and I understood his name to be Murray. He and his wife looked into a specific vehicle of ourselves but weren't ready to pull the trigger. After periodic communication since August he came in today and finally signed that dotted line. He and I have gotten along great. No aggressive back and forth, no pulling teeth on numbers. He's an incredibly nice man. Keep in mind there has been a mask mandate where I live since I met this fella, and when you add that to me being hard of hearing it doesn't end well. Legitimately 20 minutes ago my coworker comes into my office and says, "you know his ne is LeRay right?" My jaw hit my desk. Why have I not realized this mistake for half a bloody year!? More importantly, why on Earth would he not correct me?! TL;DR. Basically the title. I'm a moron.

I just got home and… man this was a very unnecessarily chaotic experience. I frequently get massages for my chronic pain so today was meant to be just another day, all was well during the massage but the problem arose when it was time to pay. They don’t do card anymore, fuck I forgot about that. I tell them okay no worries I’ll run over to the atm across from here and get some. Problem 2 arrises once I realise I didn’t bring my wallet and only my phone for touch pay so the atm was redundant. I run back to the parlour and tell them I’m going to Kmart down the road to get cash out there, they’re very kind and I’m apologising aggressively. Ran to said Kmart, got some chocolates for the staff to apologise and think I got this all under control. No cash out without a card. God. Damn it. I buy the chocolate and run back again and apologise even more aggressively as I insist they take the chocolate. But there was still hope! I called my housemate and asked if she could find my wallet ...

I fucked up sending my buddy rusty some gummy bears. The F350 needed some work done over at Lenny and Sven's. Lenny is a gun guy and while he was doing work, he asked me if I knew anyone who wanted an old US property colt 1911. I said get me some pics and I'll put it together. I called rusty and asked if he had ideas on value/where to advertise since he buys and collects that stuff all the time. He made an offer, I told Lenny I'd do it for him no charge and I told Rusty I'd do it for costs. I get payment from Rusty and he says hey I got some airline upgrades expiring, you want them? My brother was getting married in a few weeks in Boston so I said sure why not! He burns an upgrade and I'm now first class all the way to Boston. I'm at a gun show one day and the booth next to me is a guy selling fudge, chocolate and gummy bears. Now, I'm a fat kid from the south so I like me some candy and these gummy bears were fantastic. I get a few extra bags of gummy be...