greenmangostudio

Several months ago I purchased a new body spray in the scent “Vanilla Romance”. There was a sale, and on a whim I purchased a small room spray in the same scent. I came home, stuck the body spray in the cabinet for when my current one ran out, and placed the room spray in the bathroom without too much thought. For the past several months, both my husband and I have used that room spray pretty much exclusively only after we poop. It’s become a joke, like if we hear the spray go off we will tease each other. Just normal married couple stuff. Well today… today I finally ran out of my old body spray and broke out the new one. Vanilla romance. I spritzed it all over myself right before we left for dinner. Immediately upon getting within the vicinity of my husband, he turns to me and with a grin, says “Ohhhh so thats why we’re going to be late, Ms Poopy-Pants”. He would not believe me when I told him I was not, in fact, using the restroom. So yeah. I Pavlovian-ed my husband into assoc...

After staring the day at 6am, finishing up packing my entire life up in a pod to move cross country, having a flight canceled 30 min before boarding, shuffling to find a pet friendly hotel for the night, and picking up some cat necessities at target, i sat down at a starbucks. I never go to starbucks. But i went to this starbucks and ordered a decaf americano. I was elated to recieve the black gold and upon taking one sip I was sent on a journey. Then my uber arrived to return to the hotel and as i sar up in ernest i knocked my drink on the floor. I watched in slow motion as the moment shattered the viel of happiness i felt only swcond prior. It hit the ground and spread. I wanted to cry but didn't i sadly told the lady who took my order and I said that I was sorry. While walking out to meet my uber on the ladies making coffee asked if thst giy jsut dropped his entire coffee and walked out. I didnt have the heart to respond and sadly waited outside as the sun beat down on me for t...

THIS STORY IS NOT A JOKE!!!! The title is just crazy lol So this story actually starts out when I was in seventh grade, in history class. We were learning WWII. We had this project where we had to make a poster on one of the main countries/powers of the war and how their propaganda would look like. I chose to do the Nazi’s, just cus I wanted to be different (I was a bit stupid back then). Obviously my history teacher talked to me in private to make sure I wasn’t a Nazi, which I told her no. We presented our projects, and moved on from that. Fast-forwards a few years, and I’m in my junior year (11th grade) and I’ve completely forgotten about that incident, with all the stress in my life now. I’m in marching band, and at the beginning of the season, we always do icebreakers with our sections. One of my friends who’s in this section asks: “What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever made?”, and suddenly I remember the poster I made back then. I casually say: “I made a poster supporting the N...

What was I thinking…. I played football(American), basketball, tennis, and I was on the swim team in high school. I’m familiar with sports but I never played soccer. My son loves the game and has played for several seasons now but this year the league had a big shortage on volunteers and my son begged and begged me to sign up so I did thinking I would be an assistant coach or something but no they game me a team. I don’t watch competitive soccer on TV I’m personally not that big into the sport all my time is spent crying over the 49ers and the Kings… I have ordered the equivalent of “coaching kids soccer for idiots” and I have less than 3 weeks to figure this out TL:DR I don’t know Jack about coaching soccer…son convinced me to volunteer… thought I would be an assistant or helper…got picked as a head coach…. In way over my head…

So I wanted to do something nifty for my six year old, right? I ordered this super pink rock on Amazon, not huge but like the size of a walnut. I wanted to hide it somewhere, then have her find it, then explain to her that it's a lucky rock. You know, help make memories. Went out to dinner with my lovely wife and my kiddo. I put the rock on the rear tire of my car - super sneakily - as we left the car and walked to the restaurant. Unfortunately, the food was just too damn good. And somehow my brain just kind of decided to not think about the lucky rock on my tire. We paid, walked out. Got in the car. Drove home. Then about 12 hours later, "Oh Fuck". I'm not really upset about losing the rock, it was something like $8. But goddamn that was a stupid fuckup. I feel like I belong on Trailer Park Boys with Corey and Trevor. Absolute dumbass. To whoever finds the pink rock I surreptitiously abandoned...I hope it brings you all the luck :) TL;DR; Tried to manufacture a...

Keeping details vague as I'm still in deep shit for it. My company has a partner company who has, through the years been "difficult" to work with. Shifting the blame for their outages, telling our mutual customers it's our fault and sending them to our support line instead of handling it themselves, etc. The catalyst was a major outage that took several hours to resolve, with lots of back-and-forth and the usual amount of finger-pointing from them while we worked to determine the cause, which was ultimately the partner's equipment failing. I, in a moment of frustration, wrote up a review lambasting their company, going into more confidential details than I should have for a public review, especially without clearance from my superior. This review apparently got enough of their attention that it was passed up their chain of command, through to their CEO, who called our Director of Operations. Oddly enough the CEO wasn't exactly happy someone "represen...

I (25F) have a neighbor who is terrified of spiders. We get along well so I told her I could remove them for her when she finds any. A couple of months ago she knocked on my door to tell me there was a spider in her bathroom. I was already in my pajamas and I didn’t feel like changing. She lives on the same floor so I thought I could sneak there quickly. I was wrong. As I was following her to her apartment, we saw water coming from underneath the door of another neighbor. We rang the doorbell to ask him if he was okay and it turned out he had a massive leak. The guy is a refugee and barely speaks Dutch. He also had no idea who he had to call. So we got some buckets and towels to help him clean everything while I was on the phone with maintenance. As I was standing there in my pjs and duck slippers, more neighbors started coming out and helped. After a while maintenance showed up so we finally went to her apartment to look for the spider. Of course the damn thing was nowhere to ...

Obligatory: this was ~20 years ago Back when I'd been playing guitar for about 2 years, I (16F) was incorrectly confident in my abilities. However, a girl (15F, who I will call Sara) that went to a different high school made friends with me on MySpace and really wanted to learn. I asked Sara if there was anything she wanted to learn and she said she wanted to learn some Buckcherry song so I learned it as best as I could but printed out the guitar tabs (essentially noob sheet music) just in case. She then invited me over to her place that weekend and I accepted, my parents told me to be careful though. It was know at the time that I am lesbian and she deemed it relevant so the day before she messages me "my parents won't be home, but I'm watching my younger brother, no funny business ;P". Being absolutely respectful (and not wanting to be a predatory gay) I respond "oh of course not, wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable." I had no plans to hit o...

Posted in another community and gave some people a good laugh so thought I’d share on my impressment. I was using the bathroom at work this morning to relieve my bowels of some building pressure. All part of the normal routine. I am going on a trip this weekend to golf. Looking forward to it, while sitting on the toilet, I watched a hole by hole walkthrough for about 20 minutes. Not really realizing it, and the implications it could have, my legs went completely numb from sitting on the toilet too long. I stood up and bent over to wipe, and fell head first through the stall door (enough force that it became unlatched) and onto the ground. This scared the shit out of the person using the urinal beside it. And he nearly peed on me as he frighteningly turned around as I was scrambling to get back up with my pants down, ass out, and the stall door swinging out and around right at him, almost hitting him. Getting up was no small feat, pants around my ankles, numb legs, I thought I’d nev...

This all started because my watch strap broke. I've worn the same model of $25 Casio watch for over a decade now. I tried to fix my watch to no avail, so I figured I'd pop into Walmart before my therapy appointment to pick up a new one. As a neurodivergent person, I fucking hate Walmart. But I figure I've got a whole therapy session to complain about it lol. They didn't have my watch model in stock. Not having a watch really messes with me, so I bought a similar model that seemed to fit my needs. Crisis mitigated. I'm not thrilled with the change, but it's something. I now have exactly enough time to get to therapy...and my car won't start. No worries, I've had problems with the engine control relay overheating. I pop the hood, pull it out, and cool it down. That usually works, but it didn't this time. I call my therapist's office and tell them I'll be a few minutes late. Being late makes me hella anxious. Phone calls make me hella anxious...

Now everyone knocks on my door with broken shit and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing. youtube University is carrying me through home repairs I'm not qualified for. This all started three weeks ago when my neighbor Janet mentioned her door was squeaking loud enough to wake the dead. I had some wd-40 lying around so I sprayed the hinges and that's how it got fixed. She was so grateful she told everyone in the building about my "handyman skills" Now I'm apparently the go to guy for every broken appliance Yesterday a neighbor showed up with a toaster asking if I could "work my magic" I was like I sprayed some oil on door hinges I'm not an appliance mechanic. I've been frantically googling fixes 30 seconds before people show up. "How to unclog garbage disposal" and "why is my toilet making that noise" are now my most searched terms. I'm watching repair videos at 2x speed while people wait in my hallway expecting mir...

Welp, I’m embarrassed AF right now. We discovered a leak coming from my shower on the second floor last week. The leak made its way through the ceiling on the first floor. So, finally after days of drying it out a plumber came today to fix the shower. I had my roommate’s bf stay at the house to meet the plumber bc I had plans during the timeframe they were coming over with the contractor. I got home just as they were finishing up, and met the plumber (who was super hot btw), then we said our thank you’s and goodbyes. Later on I decided to use the restroom, and lo and behold, I just left my toy chillin on the sink and was absolutely mortified and embarrassed bc it was obvious It had been used recently bc it was still wet and drying 😂 TL;DR I know masturbating is perfectly normal and healthy, but I really wish I had put it away. I can only imagine the text thread between the plumber and contractor or the convo once they discovered it. Anywho, hope everyone’s having a great day!

My girlfriend (29F) and I have been together for about a year. Everything is more than good, including our intimate life, however I (26M) recently moved out of my parents' house and just finished turning my house into a home. So I thought to myself "Why not surprise her with a couple of spicy tools of pleasure?". I spent like 1/3 of my monthly salary on it, and it's not an understatement to say that it was a bag full of dicks. The problem? I forgot to update the shipping address and the box got delivered to my parents. And guess who opened the box, assuming it was hers? My mother. She's not strict and is deeply supportive of pretty much everything I do, so I wasn't worried about issues that children of strictly religious folks might struggle with, but it was still veeeery embarrassing. She called me right away to tell me she accidentally opened my box and I got pale in the blink of an eye and I had to do the walk of shame to her place to retrieve it, but ...

I've been dealing with some serious workplace drama lately. My coworker got promoted over me even though I've been here longer and have way more experience, plus they've been making these passive aggressive comments ever since. I was texting my best friend last night to vent about the whole situation. I typed out this long message that ended with "honestly this place is a complete shitshow and I can't wait to find something else" and hit send. Then I see the little notification that says delivered and glance up to see I'm in a text thread with my mananger mike not my friend mike. My friend mike is saved as Mike F but my boss is just Mike and apparently my brain just picked the wrong one. I immediately felt my soul leave my body. Like that cold wash of panic when you realize you've done something catastrophically stupid. I stared at my phone for probably five full minutes hoping it would somehow unsend itself. Had to go into work this morning knowing...

This happened earlier today and I’m still recovering from the sheer audacity of it. I was driving through a roundabout, already inside the circle, following the rules like a responsible adult. Yielded. Signaled. Didn’t cause chaos. All the good stuff. Then out of nowhere, this guy comes flying in from the right like he’s trying to set a land speed record. No yield. No slow-down. Just raw confidence and a possible death wish. I slam the brakes to avoid becoming part of a live-action insurance commercial. He misses me by inches. Now here’s where the “FU” part really kicks in: He honks. At me. Then, to add insult to almost-injury, he rolls down his window and yells something that sounded like “Learn how to drive!” Sir. I was already in the roundabout. That’s not how circles work. This isn’t NASCAR. You can’t just merge with pure vibes and adrenaline. I just sat there in disbelief, clutching my steering wheel and iced coffee like they were emotional support objects. My heart was ra...

So I was babysitting my nephew and trying to be the Cool Uncle. We were walking home after ice cream, and he noticed the moon was visible in the sky. He asked why it was "chasing" us. Thinking I’d be clever, I said: Big mistake. He screamed . Not a cute giggle. A full-on horror movie shriek . He throws his ice cream, starts running like he's in a zombie movie, yelling "TELL IT TO STOP! TELL THE MOON TO STOP!!" A neighbor came out and wrapped him in a blanket like he’d just witnessed a traumatic event. I'm trying to explain celestial mechanics to a crying toddler while three grown adults glare at me like I summoned the moon to haunt him. Now he refuses to go outside at night unless he’s holding a mirror to “trick the moon into looking at itself.” So yeah. TIFU. TL;DR: Told my nephew the moon was following him as a joke. He freaked out, threw his ice cream, and now carries a mirror to "protect" himself from the moon.

So, I live in Canada, and I love Neil Young. My son (M21) and is learning to appreciate Neil Young. He likes some songs and knows that Neil is a part of Canadian culture and also the 60d and 70s protest songs. So, Neil is playing a show on my birthday this year. My son is attending a year round specialtyc college program and works 5-15 hours a week. He offered to get us tickets to Neil Young for my birthday. This is a large expenditure, and I've already said yes that's fine for birthday and Christmas. He then told me that with exchange it was nearly $600 dollars. With exchange? I was puzzled. We are seeing a concert in Canada why was he charged American funds? He showed me how he bought the tickets through an American vendor. I showed him Ticketmaster and the tickets were $120.00 each, Canadian (plus tax and Ticketmaster averice fees) Now he said "What was the point of that? To make me feel shitty about your birthday? " then stood up andtook his lunch into his ro...

I M(19) Drank so much I don't remember stuff . So a few weeks ago I was back in the United Kingdom with my parents visiting family and friends and we stayed at a resort to have fun, play games and drink and eat and do other stuff and basically. This was the first time back in the United Kingdom and turning 19 so i decided to drink and stupidly enough I decided to drink a lot of alcohol 20+ drinks and I walked back to my room with some help of family and friends, and the next day. I woke with vomit on the floor and me basically hating myself for what I did that I sat down in the shower for 5-10 minutes, to feel better DID not help i basically had the taste of vomit and I did everything and we continued on with our weekend but basically don't drink to much for the third time drinking actual drinks and I felt like throwing up at some points and it was just bile I hated myself. TLDR Don't drink like that again ya idiot

The Midnight Wish There’s something magical about birthdays. For most people, they are just days on the calendar, a reminder of another year gone by. But for me, her birthday was always different. It wasn’t just about cake, candles, or the sound of people singing out-of-tune songs. It was about a feeling—a memory of something I once felt so strongly that it stayed with me, year after year. Every year, as the clock crept toward midnight, I would find myself waiting, phone in hand, my heart beating faster than it had any right to. It was my ritual. At 12:00 AM sharp, I would wish her “Happy Birthday.” Not because it was just polite or friendly, but because once, a long time ago, I had a crush on her. Maybe more than a crush. Maybe it was something I never had the courage to fully admit. I remember those days when just talking to her felt like the highlight of my week. We were close, or at least I thought we were. She was the kind of person who could make a simple conversation feel li...

Obligatory this-didn’t-happen-literally-today disclaimer. My high school prom was about a year ago, and I bought a black jumpsuit covered in gold sequins for the occasion. I also bought a headpiece from Amazon that essentially amounted to a black-and-gold flower crown. I absolutely loved the outfit, but I’m extremely short - like 5’1” on my tippy toes short - so the jumpsuit ended up being a good few inches too long for me. Luckily, there was a tailor five minutes from my house, so my mom and I stopped by one afternoon after doing some shopping together. I changed into the jumpsuit, and as the tailor was pinning what he needed to, an elderly woman walked in. She started gushing about the jumpsuit, and my mom and I ended up chatting with her about my plans for prom. Here is where I should mention that I’m autistic. Only Level 1, but it still does affect my life on a daily basis, most notably giving me sensory processing issues and making me incredibly socially awkward, especially in ...

I quite frequently buy big packs of tofu skin. When the pack is almost finished I just dump the last bits into whatever I'm cooking while taking out the silica gel packet that always comes in the bag. Meal done, I sit down to eat and in the first chew I felt a crack, as if I'd chomped down on a piece of sand. Inspected the food and quickly found a bunch of glass like pearls and realized the silica gel pack must've been broken. I don't like wasting food and what I'd made was really deilicious. So instead of throwing it out and making something new I decided to search through the food as I was eating it (with chopsticks). I know silica isn't poisonous or harmful other than potential choking hazard for children. I figured it couldn't be that bad or take too long. I managed to only get a couple more in my mouth which were easily discarded upon discovery. The rest were gently picked out of the wood with my superiour chop stick skills. I counted them all afte...

So today I thought I’d be a responsible adult and finally fix the slow-draining sink in my bathroom. How hard could it be, right? I watched a 4-minute YouTube tutorial (because I clearly know better than a professional plumber) and started unscrewing pipes like I was the star of a DIY show. Everything was going fine until I realized that I hadn’t turned off the water valve… and that’s when the chaos began. Water started spraying like I had unleashed a fire hydrant in my apartment. I panicked, grabbed the first towel I could find (which, for some reason, was a decorative hand towel my mom gifted me), and tried to block the geyser like a fool. Long story short, my bathroom turned into a miniature waterpark, and I heard my downstairs neighbor banging on the ceiling because water was literally dripping into their place. By the time I found the main valve and turned it off, I was standing ankle-deep in water, holding a soaked towel, and mentally drafting an apology text to my landlord. I...

This happened yesterday. To preface this, I struggle with body dysmorphia which gives me some pretty bad self esteem issues. Lately my self esteem has been very low and I’ve really struggled to feel attractive for about a year or so now due to gaining weight from antidepressants. I’m told that I’m conventionally attractive by people, but I really struggle to see it myself. I came across a couple looks maxxing subreddits where I saw posts of people asking for advice on how to look better. I had only ever heard of these in passing so I wasn’t very informed of what goes on there. The few posts that I clicked on had some genuine advice from people and everyone seemed to be acting decent, so I decided to make a post myself asking for advice. I even found a smaller sub for people that wear alternative styles and decided to post there since I’m into goth style and have a lot of tattoos and piercings. I mainly asked for weight loss tips and piercing suggestions. I was mostly just expecting t...

My friend Anna is from Brazil and moved to the US for college and lives/works here now. We are both in our early 30s. Her parents were having their 25th wedding anniversary last weekend. She knew I had expiring PTOs and invited me visit Brazil and stray with them for a few days. I did few days with them and few days solo. We got to their town at 4 AM, took a small nap and they had a day planned. Family beach day and then backyard bbq. We went to the beach at 10 AM and it was a culture shock. Anna’s mom was in one piece thong, she had a tattoo on one of her cheek, she was beautiful. Her dad wore a shorts that most men on the beach did, it was between a boxer brief and a speedo. There was nothing left for imagination.They were really hot 56 year olds. They are professors at a university, I did not expect that. Anna and her brother gf also a thong swimsuit which I was not surprised with since I have to be the beach with her. I just wasn’t expecting her parents to be that open infront of...

I've been pretty good about saving money lately, had about $800 set aside for emergencies which felt pretty solid for me. I was scrolling Facebook marketplace when I saw this "amazing deal" on a gaming setup. The guy was selling his whole rig plus monitor for $600 and it looked legit in the photos. Long story short I got way too excited and transferred the money immediately without thinking. Met up with the dude at some parking lot and the second I saw the setup I knew I fucked up. The "gaming computer" was basically a 10 year old office PC with a fancy looking case, and the monitor had a huge crack down the middle that somehow wasn't visible in any of his photos. When I asked about returning it he just shrugged and said "all sales final bro" then drove off. I stood there in that parking lot holding a broken monitor feeling like the biggest idiot on earth. The worst part is that my car started making weird noises literally 3 days later and now ...

I recently joined a new workplace and have a crush on a girl in my team. We’re trying to be friends. I share a desk with my desk buddy, who is good friends with my crush. There’s also another girl who’s friend to my crush. I’m not sure, but I think my crush might be seeing someone outside work or may have a crush on my desk buddy. The three often hang out together during coffee and lunch breaks. I’ve been trying hard to join them, and today I asked my crush and the other girl to join me for lunch, but they politely declined. So, I ate with other colleagues. While eating, I noticed the trio at another table and felt jealous. I wanted to talk to my desk buddy about it but didn’t. Later, my desk buddy tried to take a funny photo of me, and I lashed out, telling him he didn’t have my permission. I’m uncomfortable with random photos, especially with concerns about privacy and AI misuse. My crush noticed and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the day. After work, I apologized to my desk b...

So basically I listen to a lot of musical stuff on my phone-- think jagged pill, jekyll and Hyde, mean girls, epic the musical etc etc-- load of random stuff My phone was in my back pocket, and my smartwatch was in my front pocket-- since I take my smartwatch off while im in work so I dont get it wet from alcohol or softdrinks or coffee or covered in food etc But when my coworker bumped into me by accident and knocked my smartwatch, it unpaused my most recent song... which without my bluetooth hesdphones connected blaired out loudly from my arse pocket The song in particular it chose to blast was about half way through the jekyll and hyde musicals final song- wedding reception... Which wouldn't be so bad if that wasnt the part where lisa is screaming "OH HENRY OH HENRY PLEASE-- NO HENRY" or something to that effect And so my coworkers assumed i accidentally unpaused an adult video TL;DR: a knocked Bluetooth watch and a disconnected Bluetooth headphones causes my co...

Technically it was last night, but I couldn’t think clear enough to post here last night. I had a friend staying with me while he was getting his shit together. He recently moved out and he’s attempting to move his stuff out. He has a lot of stuff so it’s a long process. I got home from work last night. My plans were simple: start laundry, make dinner and find something good to watch on Netflix. While I was in my kitchen, I found some cupcakes he made that he left in my freezer. Well, I’ve been wanting to an his stuff out of my freezer so that’s a place to start, right. Shortly after eating them, I started dinner and the former roommate called and mentioned his brownies. I told him I ate them and he said “those were my special cupcakes.” Wat? He smokes quite a bit of weed. I smoke none. One cupcake is supposed to get him buzzed. I ate four of them. I spent the rest of the night f with a really messed up sense of time, either thinking something is taking way too long or feeling li...

I’ve been seeing a few women romantically the past few months. None of them are exclusive, but I like each of them quite a bit. I like to send TikToks to them based on who I think would enjoy it. Often times, I’d end up sending the same TikTok to a few of them. Within the past hour, I found a pretty funny one that had a slight sexual undertone. I meant to send it to a girl I’ve seen already (we’re actually supposed to meet again tomorrow) and a girl I recently started talking to again (no dates yet). Instead of sending it to each of them separately, I accidentally created a group chat with the 3 of us and it was sent there. They have never met and this TikTok is the only thing in that group. I deleted the group on my end and resent the TikTok to our respective 1-on-1 conversations. Waiting to see what they say and hoping for the best. TLDR; I sent a TikTok to two women together instead of separately, hoping it doesn’t come back to bite me in the ass. 🙏

this is my second account since this is crazy. I recently got married and I went to my folks yesterday to add the pics to our albums. when I went to the basement to grab the family albums, I ended up just flipping through out of curiosity, and noticed a guy I didn’t recognize in a LOT of the pictures. my mom has a huge family so I don’t know everyone, but this guy was in photos of just her, her parents, and my late aunt. the weirdest was a Christmas card that had everyone’s names on it. the naming system in our culture is complex, but you only share a last name with your mother and siblings (unless you get married and change it), not with cousins, grandparents, etc. Well this guy was listed on the card and had my mom’s maiden name as his last name. my mom ended up coming in since I was taking so long and I asked her who it was and she tried to say she didn’t know. I kept pushing and then she got upset and left. my dad asked when happened and I showed him the picture and he immedi...

This was over 20 years ago, but it’s kinda funny and thought people might enjoy my teenage pain. I was in high school and The Phantom Menace had recently come out. When I saw it and the STAR WARS logo appeared, everyone cheered their asses off. Cut to a lecture being given at my school a short time later. 200+ students, all boys school, and the teacher had put the STAR WARS logo clip in his PowerPoint presentation to spice it up a little. Instantly, I shout “WOOOO!” and start clapping like I had in the theatre a short time ago. The thing is, I wasn’t doing this to be a little shit. I somehow, in that moment, stupidly, fully believed everyone in the lecture was going to do the exact same thing. That we were all onboard with a thing that I had zero reason to believe we were all onboard with. So there I was, alone, in a quiet lecture hall, cheering for STAR WARS. I was not a popular kid (you think?) and everyone just started snickering and laughing at me. The teacher goes, “Mr. Thi...

So this happened today, and I still can't stop cringing. I had to take a pre-employment drug test for a new job. No big deal, I’ve done dozens of these during my time in the military. If you know, you know: the military way is full-send, no shame, pants and undies around the knees, standing there like you're about to get hazed, while some poor soul stares directly at your junk to verify you're not faking it. Anyway, I show up to the testing facility, sign in, get called back, and the guy hands me the cup and leads me to the bathroom. I just go into autopilot mode. Drop trou, pull down my underwear, start doing my thing… totally exposed. That’s when I hear the guy’s voice through the door: “Uh… Sir? I don’t have to watch you pee. I just have to stand outside the stall.” Cue me realizing I am full-on pants-down in a civilian bathroom like I’m back in basic training, even though no one is watching. Just standing there, exposed for absolutely no reason, like an idiot. I q...

This literally just happened lol and I am so embarrassed good god... So, I was invited by some friends of mine for a Summerween party (for those who don't know, it's a thing from the show Gravity Falls. People in the town celebrate Halloween both in the summer and on the actual day because they just like the holiday a lot. It's cute!) now, I SWEAR on everything I own, that the invite I was sent said that it was on the 22nd, and I believed that ever since the day I was sent the invite. So come to the day I get in costume and everything (since it is a Halloween party so everyone is encouraged to wear costumes), I buy some snacks for the party, and everything is looking good! I feel a little hot and uncomfortable in the costume and makeup, but it's worth it cause I think it looks great. Once the time comes around, I get in my Uber and head off to the location that the party was said to be held at. When I get there, I noticed there weren't any cars so I was like, ...

The fuck-up isn't even in me dming the bumble match, but what happened afterwards. I matched with a pretty cute guy on bumble towards the start of this year. He was interesting, we had nice conversation- but unfortunately there was a situation in my personal life that made me unable to pay attention to anything but the issue. I let him know that i couldn't do anything rn, and apologised. I guess he unfollowed me at some point, which I didn't know of and forgot about him up until a week ago, when he popped up on my recommended. I'm doing much better now, and remembered that it was kind of a great match between him and I. I followed him, he followed me back, and that's where the dilemma started. I didn't want to be one of those people who just randomly message you on social media. As a woman I'd find it creepy to randomly text someone. So i just dropped a text telling him that he looked so familiar, asking if I knew him. Just to reconnect, no expectations ...

This was a few months ago. It was my day off and the only thing I had to do was pick my girlfriend up from work at 9:00 pm. Other than that, I was free to loaf on the couch from morning to night, which is what I did. Around 8:00, I decided to shower before I left the house. Now, I have short hair that dries pretty quickly, but I am deeply vain about it, so I always dry it with the hairdryer right after I shower to ensure my hair doesn't get flat and weird. I never skip this step. So, I get out of the shower, start drying my hair... And then I wake up in bed. It's half an hour later. I feel like garbage, my entire body mysteriously hurts, and I am slowly realizing that I don't remember exiting the bathroom. My only clear thought is: "oh shit, it's 9:00! I have to pick up my girlfriend! Better shake myself awake . " I dragged my aching carcass back to the bathroom, and this was when I noticed the massive blisters forming all over my hand. I was still pretty ou...

I was in jiu jitsu class. I am the only woman so I think people assume I would not fart. I am lactose intolerant so it was bad- silent but deadly. I could not hold it back with the exercise. First time the guys around me all started blaming each other. They were angry that someone dared fart near me. They said that they do it all the time when no women are around but since I was there they needed to be classy. Second time was when the instructor was talking to me. The instructor turned to the guy next to me and angrily said “I am talking to HER! Why did you have to do that when I I am talking to HER!” I let them take the blame and did not speak up. It was embarrassing and hilarious at the same time. Tl;dr I had gas and let the other guys take the blame

So um i just need to say this so hopefully it will erase the scene from my mind, but i walked in on my parents today. My baby sister (2) was crying outside of there door as usual, because while my mom is trying to sleep train her, she does wake up in the middle of the night and eventually make it back to my parents room. But I guess tonight was different; so when my sister was crying outside of their door and no one came to get her after 5 mins or so, I came out of my room and went to bring her to my parents. Usually when this happens my mom tells me to bring her into their room, and that was exactly what i was doing when I walked in. I heard no sounds but the tv so I assumed that they were sleep. Wrong. Soo so wrong. I wont go into detail because: a) thats gross. b) I dont want to think about that w my parents. and c) I never want to think about this moment again. All I’ll say is that i saw my dads butt, said “okay. Nope. ”, left the room, and shut the door. 5 mins after that my m...

I’m known in my friend group as the one with a strong stomach, so during a game night, someone brought ghost pepper chips and dared me to eat a handful. Being the clown I am, I downed like six. For five minutes, I felt invincible. Then the devil arrived. Stomach cramps, nausea, sweating like I ran a marathon. But the worst part? The gas. Explosive, unrelenting, loud-and-proud farts that made everyone gag. I excused myself to go home but didn’t make it far. My stomach clenched so bad I collapsed on the sidewalk outside my apartment. Neighbors saw. I was curled on the pavement like I got sniped. An ambulance came (thanks to a kind neighbor who thought I was dying), and I had to explain to an ER nurse that my digestive system was waging war over some spicy chips. I’m now banned from spice dares forever. My friends made a trophy that says “Most Likely to Explode.” TL;DR: Ate ghost pepper chips to flex. Ended up crop-dusting game night and nearly passing out from the cramps. Ambulanc...

This is a collective fuck-up between my partner and I, so I hope this is allowed. So, my partner loves fishing, and has recently gotten me into it. We just went and bought some new lures, so when we got back to his dad's house, where we've been staying for the summer, we started rearranging our tackle boxes. While he was organizing his lures, he was telling me about them, and one of the ones he pulled out to show me was called a "chatterbait." Now, many of you are probably aware of the porn website that has a name that is spelled differently, but sounds identical. My partner and I have heard of it in passing, but both of us are asexual and do not use websites of that nature, so it wasn't at the forefront of our minds by any means. Anyway, my partner, wanting to show me more of this type of lure, calls out "hey google, show me some chatterbait!" Too late, I realize the predicament that may occur. I feel like that scene from Twilight where the tragedei...

I've always been obsessed with the psychology of clapping. Why do audiences clap longer for certain things rather than other things? Also, how do we all collectively know when to stop clapping? Is it a hive-mind type of thing we're all tapped into? Then there is the standing ovation, which blows my mind. Why do some standing ovations catch on, while others fail? I developed a theory that the success of a standing ovation rests solely on the first person to stand. If that person stands with enough confidence and enthusiasm, the rest of the people will stand too... I decided to test my theory at the community center today. Some old lady made a humongous quilted blanket that depicted a bunch of orange and yellow cats wearing floppy sunhats. She was donating it to be auctioned off at the bazaar to raise money. After she brought the quilt up, everyone started clapping nicely. I was in the third row, and I stood up very confidently and and conspicuously and starting clapping wit...

So this takes place about a week ago as of my writing this, but I was at ye olde Walmart doing some grocery shopping. I had my headphones in, I was combing the aisles, I was listening to a podcast and I called my mother to ask if I needed to grab anything for the house. She says milk, so I detoured to the dairy section for a gallon, then make my way back to soft drinks and I see one of my favorite drink back in stock, the Cherry Lime Sprite. I put my phone down on the shelf to grab a 12-pack and set them in my cart. At some point in this interaction, a lady doing her shopping behind me notices my phone, the one I literally had in my hand and just set on the shelf, and thinks it's been abandoned and scoops it up to take it to the lost and found all the way across the store. Now I didn't notice it was missing, I had actually been able to end the call with my mother and resume my podcast, only noticing it wasn't with me whenever the episode ended and I couldn't change to ...

I bought some little slices of baguette a couple of days ago. I thought it would go perfectly with my spinach dip— conveniently pre-sliced, only two or three bites per slice, easy to eat. This morning, it sounded like a yummy snack, so I grab the dip, a butter knife to spread it, and the bag o’ bread slices. I’m happily munching away, when I happen to catch a glimpse of something green on one of the slices. Oh, no, say it ain’t so! Yes, it was mold. In my defense, it was a small spot, and very pale green. Easy to overlook, especially with my f’d up glasses. I examine the bag. It’s ALL got pale green spots. Dammit. I’m already feeling nauseated when I notice something worse— ants. The tiniest little ants I have ever seen in my life. Not just on the bag, but in the bag. Now my stomach is churning, and I’m seriously regretting not paying better attention to my food before I eat it. TL:DR: I didn’t look very closely at my bag o’ baguette slices, and accidentally ended up eating mold...

l live in New England and I am house-sitting. Maybe pet sitting is a better description. Either way, I'm supposed to basically live at this house for two weeks. A handful of adorable cats and dogs. Easy money! Except... The light was on upstairs after I came back from the store. I did not turn it on. I am certain I did not turn it on. It was not on when I slept last night. I have not gone to that floor more than once because the cats don't go there, there are no litter boxes to scoop, and there are no open doors the cats could get into. I thought maybe it had been on the whole time, but then the light was turned off when I checked later on today. They didn't say anyone would be staying with me. If someone else was here, why would they need a sitter? I checked the rooms but found no one. Nothing else has really indicated another person is here. No food missing, no cooking. Some noises like someone walking around or like plumbing is running somewhere, but it's an old...

I’m going to a concert soon and I wanna dye my hair black for that. I used a semi permanent dye from Arctic fox and I assumed that it wouldn’t dye the bathtub? Idk. Because it’s semi-permanent, it comes out when water touches it and I’m on a swim team so I can only wear it for one day (the day of the concert) So I decided to put it on yesterday and wash it out today to see how much it would wash out. But my brain wasn’t working and I washed my hair in the WHITE Bathtub, and now there’s streaks of blue and purple in it. I’m currently very desperate to find ways to get rid of the dye because if we were to re-tile/Re-do the bathtub that would cost $3000 and I am not going to pay that. If you have any advice I will take it, thank you! TLDR: used a semi permanent black dye and stained the bathtub blue and purple. If you have any advice, I will take it. Please and thank you!

When I went to go visit Boston, I made the mistake of downing a couple tall beers right before my duckboat tour.. Shortly after leaving.. it began, the urge to pee. I thought I'd be fine at first and was too embarrassed to ask to stop and be an inconvenience to people, plus I didn't think and still don't know if the bus would even stop for that. I was able to hold it most of the way.. until we hit water, and then it was game over. I ended up pissing my pants shortly after we became a boat and was surrounded by liquid😂😂. I couldnt hold it no more and had no other choice!! Somehow the guy sitting next to me never found out until it was all over. I got lucky I was hydrated too and mostly clear because it did not stink like raunchy dehydrated urine. 🤣also Luckily I sat in the back so most of everyone got off until it was my turn.. and I ran. So effin hilarous😂 and embarrassing haha What is your most embarrassing travel story? TL;DR: pissed pants in duckboat after drinking ...

This happened about a month ago. I posted this in a couple of other subreddits just venting, but figured it would make a good TIFU post. This is one of those moments that hits you straight in the gut and makes you cringe for years. A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I were hanging out after I got out of the shower. It was freezing in the apartment, and I made a comment about how cold I was. She glanced down, laughed, and said, “Wow… that's crazy. I can’t believe how small it can get!” I looked too, and yeah, it honestly did look ridiculous. I'm not the biggest down there anyways, but most of all I'm a grower. If you don't know what that looks like in extreme cases, just imagine an acorn sitting on top of your balls, barely over an inch (sorry to be graphic, but you need to know how embarrassing this looked). After laughing a bit at the situation, she asked if she could take a picture. We both have secret photo vault apps where we keep each other’s nudes, so I was fi...

Well, today I was just minding my own business...flipped over to YouTube, clicked on a cartoon that was suggested in my feed. I started watching...and then it happened. The song began....I started tapping my foot to the beat, the next thing I knew I was rewinding to hear it again. It's still there...in my head. I am humming it right now. I thought to myslef...how do I get this song out of my head. But, the next thing I knew, I was watching the cartoon again, to hear the song that is plaguing me. It makes me happy, and sad at the same time. "Bye, Bye, Bobby...Bye, Bye, Bobby...Bye, Bye," I started to think who is this Bobby...and why did he have to go, "Bye, Bye." Is it Robert Kennedy, Bobby Brown...was it Bob Barker leaving The Wheel of Fortune? What is going on...I am literally in another land now...it's happening...I have become the song! https://youtu.be/0cE3q9DMivw?si=z2uYpzhdxNvGdjvY "TL;DR" I have learned that if I had to do it all ...

So I’ve been working at this job for a few months, and up until now I’ve been perfectly content existing as a mysterious desk goblin. I eat lunch at my desk, wear my headphones like social armor, and smile at people in the hallway like I’m in a hostage situation. But today I thought, “No more! I’m gonna be social. I’m gonna be Normal and Chill and Likeable™.” Huge mistake. There were a few coworkers chatting by the coffee machine, laughing about their weekend plans. I summoned all my courage and walked over, ready to casually slide into the convo like a cool girl in a rom-com. Instead, I said: “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Why did I sound like someone’s uncle making small talk at a funeral? They all kind of paused. One person smiled politely and said, “Yeah, finally some sun,” and that’s when my brain panicked and decided to go FULL ROBOT. I followed up with: “Perfect temperature for human skin.” Human skin. Not people . Not us . HUMAN. SKIN. Silence. Someone coughed. I ...

I’ve never consumed, ingested, inhaled THC in any form. I saw the seltzer water at the gas station and thought “I bet that’s good“ I like beer enough. Surely this will provide a buzz similar to a beer or two. So I took a few sips of it waited… Nothing… So I drank the rest of it… Sat down to have some spaghetti. then… “Boy this spaghetti is sitting heavy“… Holy cow… Oh shit… I ended up making my way to my bed. I laid down and wrapped myself in the covers and stared at my fan. Every time I would feel my mind slipping away, I would look back at the fan and I would point at it. Connecting my eyes, my hands, and my consciousness. One thing that happened repeatedly throughout the evening. I heard a motorcycle come to the intersection at the end of my driveway. Sit there revving loudly and then take off down the road. I don’t think that it was real. For one it’s not typical in my neighborhood and two it was too long lasting and frequent. At some point, I did manage to fall asleep. I woke ...

Actually, this happened today at 4:45 AM, just as dawn was breaking -- something that will be relevant. I have a peculiar habit of sleeping on my balcony during the summer. The night air is crisp, and gazing at the stars while lying on my mattress is a serene experience. Although the big city hum in the background is pleasant to listen to, it can be a bit loud for going too sleep. That's why I usually wear earplugs to sleep, specifically those neon-yellow earplugs , as they are easy to find in bed if I lose one during the night. So, as I was happily snoring away, I was abruptly woken up by a loud buzzing sound. Not fully awake yet, I thought it was a mosquito trying to land on my head and swatted at it against my ear -- only to feel my ear erupt with a fiery, burning sensation. You see, at the break of dawn, the light is very UV-rich, which makes the earplugs appear much brighter. I guess some unlucky early bee mistook my ear for a juicy flower glowing in the first light of da...

So, a few days ago me and my partner purchased some Bananas like we always do, and we set them on our kitchen counter, which also had a few finished puzzles on it just waiting to be glued. Now we do have AC, but due to a pest issue in our building, the kitchen door must remain closed, which cuts it off from the AC. We have also been in a heat wave, 104° during the day. So needless to say the kitchen gets HOT. This has never been an issue before- But today as my partner is leaving for work I head into the kitchen and what do I see? (And smell) A POOL of banana on our kitchen table. The bananas were still mostly yellow, but they had MELTED. And now they are sitting in a lake of rotten banana smelling liquid on our table. The puddle was so large it had also drowned 2 of the completed puzzles, sadly ruining them with their putred banana goop. I put gloves on, and picked up each banana, and the inside of them was LIQUID. In all my life i have never seen this happen before, nor has my partn...

Obligatory this is an old FU, so long ago I dont really feel the shame for it anymore and now it's doing the rounds when I wanna make people feel better after they effed up or just to get a laugh at parties. Also english isnt my first language and I have a tendency to put dots and comma's at the completely wrong spots... but I'm not feeling up for double and triple checking myself so please cut me some slack, I'm tired and just trying to cheer some people up (hopefully). I wasn't gonna post this, but since there is a lot of unbelievable AI slop flooding this sub I thought I'd try to fight it a little bit with an actual story. So here it goes. Back in the day when I was considerably younger and maybe just a smidge more stupid I used to work in a supermarket doing the stock and restock for the vegetable department. Back then it was an awesome job because I could do it while being considerably high and the vegetable restock was awesome because you swapped full...

So my buddy Mon, a valedictorian, lives two blocks away, parents stricter than airport security, finally got a late night pass for his birthday. I thought, that we are finally going to enjoy this night worth out worrying about time. At 8 PM, the crew (four of us, beers in hand) were chilling at my place. Lights off, movie playing, vibes set. One friend pulls out a THC vape. Mon's eyes light up like he just discovered a new element. We warned him. Told him it hits like a truck. He promised he’d take it slow, which he did, at first. One or two baby hits. Respectable. Then we got deep into convo, and I guess nobody noticed that Mon still had the vape.. and had apparently become one with it. Out of nowhere, he just erupts into the most violent coughing fit I’ve ever witnessed. Like, full body seizure coughs. Sounded like he was trying to summon a demon. We’re all freaking out, telling him to inhale or breathe or do something other than vibrate and drool. His lips started going pale,...

I'm fairly new to gardening, most of the flowers and plants I have are stuff my mom brought and helped me plant. I love hibiscus flowers 🌺, and have a couple small ones with buds but no blooms yet. I'd seen a few BIG hibiscus plants around town with beautiful blooms and decided I wanted a BIG one and wanted it to have blooms on it already! So I spent a couple days this past weekend searching around town at different local nurseries and garden sections and finally found one! She's 4 feet tall at least with a handful of big pink juicy flowers!! I love her!!! So, I took it home and stuck it in a nice big pot with nice gardening soil and it looked soooo cute! Next morning I take a peek at her and the flowers have closed up??? Hmm. Quick google. Oh okay, apparently closing up at night is part of their life cycle. Cool. I keep reading and find out that it's also the END of that bloom's cycle 😭 Hibiscus flowers only bloom for ONE DAY!!!! It will continue to make new b...

Last night I was feeling myself a little too much after the gym and decided to take… an artsy mirror pic, let’s say. Shirtless, flexing, good lighting. I sent it to my girlfriend on Snapchat with the caption: “Want a little more of this tonight?” Or at least… I thought I sent it to my girlfriend. Turns out, I sent it to my mom. Instead of opening a reply from my girlfriend, I see a message that just says: “That’s… nice, honey. Very proud of your workouts. Please don’t send me these again.” I have never wanted to throw my phone into the sun more. My girlfriend didn’t even see the pic because it went to the wrong person, and now my mom brings up “posing for the camera” every time she calls. TL;DR: Tried to send my girlfriend a spicy mirror pic on Snap. Sent it to my mom instead.

So I’m taking a summer course because I slacked off during the semester and needed the credit to stay on track. It’s a 3-hour Zoom class twice a week and the professor is super chill, so most of us stay muted and camera-off unless we’re called on. Anyway, yesterday it was 95F and my AC decided to die. I was absolutely dying in my room, drenched in sweat and half-naked. I had my camera off the whole class like usual, so I figured no harm in stripping down to my bra and shorts just to survive. I needed to grab a charger for my laptop, which was dying, and for whatever reason I picked it up and moved it across the room with me instead of just unplugging it. That movement somehow turned the camera on — no idea how, maybe I hit a key or trackpad gesture? So there I am, walking back to my desk half-naked, when I notice the little green light on. My stomach dropped. I looked up and yep — my whole class had just gotten a full view of me in my bra. My professor paused mid-sentence. Dead si...

This happened earlier today and I’m still walking like I’ve been in a bare-knuckle fight with a cheese grater. Decided to tidy up downstairs for the first time in a while. Thought I’d try Veet instead of shaving because razors and testicles are a risky combo I’m frankly tired of managing. Read the instructions… sort of. It said leave on for 5–10 minutes. I thought .. eh 12 won’t hurt. Better safe than stubbly. No. Incorrect. Around minute 11, it hit me like a spiritual awakening. A burning sensation right in the danger zone. I shot up from the toilet like someone tasered me in the goulags. I legged it to the shower, blasted myself with cold water, and stood there in full shame, watching dreams of a smooth outcome literally go down the drain. And of course, I had a Teams meeting 15 minutes later. So I sat through it clenched and twitchy, perched on the edge of my chair like I was guarding a secret. My manager actually messaged me during it to ask if I was having stomach issues….be...

I am diabetic and have been for over 20 years. By the time it was diagnosed, I had lost the feeling in my toes and the bottom of my feet. This isn't the fuckup. My wife recently (a week ago) had a knee replaced and had been depending on me to get around and bring her things. She wanted to go to the pool, as the doctor recommended she get up and walk every hour or so, and she loves going to the pool, even if she couldn't swim. Near the end of our day out. I walked around the edge of the pool to use the bathroom on the opposite side. The cement was probably a little hot, but I saw plenty of people walking on it and figured it couldn't be too bad. On the way back, I noticed my steps felt weird. Remember, I have no feeling in the soles of my feet. It just felt like I was stepping on something. When I got back to our seats and started putting on socks and shoes, I noticed some loose skin. Figuring it was a blister that broke open, I got ready and we left. On the way out is ...