greenmangostudio

I won't bother with much of a content warning, since I already marked this as NSFW. Either way be warned there is quite a lot of information involving male genitalia. While this is a true "TIFU", in that it indeed occurred just today, the actual fuck up had been going on for essentially my entire life. TL;DR at the bottom. Also, English is my first language, but I am still bad at it and likely to make a ton of grammatical errors. Also I'm on PC so terrible formatting is entirely my fault. For context, I am a male who (as you already likely realized from the title) is not circumcised. Now my father was circumcised, but I was not, so expectedly he didn't know a lot about hygiene for uncircumcised people, since he never experienced it himself. Thus, despite effectively conveying information about all other aspects of male hygiene to me, he never informed me that you are supposed to wash under the foreskin. You can probably tell where this is going. Similarly, wh...

My kids are young. We live in a location that simply doesn’t use bidets enough (USA). I decided, “you know what? I’m going to try it. I’ll get a crappy one and if I hate it, I’ll feel sad, but no major loss.” And that’s what I did. I bought one on sale for $25. You know, the kind that have two settings: Sprinkle, and tear you a new butthole. Well, we’ve enjoyed it thoroughly through the pandemic, and my wife refuses other toilets during, erm, messier months. I no longer have to use hoards of dude wipes to clean the magic marker down under. Well, guess what. The kids don’t usually use the master bathroom, cause the “main” one is a little closer to the family room. Queue my poor toddler. The main bathroom was in use, and the poor little twerp definitely wasn’t going to wait. He shot into our bathroom and quaintly took care of business. Aaaaaand then the screaming. Oh Judas, the screaming. I thought he’d fallen and smashed his femur while on fire or something. My wife and I rushed...

Obligatory - this happened last night. My girlfriend and I are avid hot sauce lovers and love spicy food! We watch Hot Ones and try some of the sauces from there. We peep the /r/hotsauce scene. And last night we even decided to run our own mini Hot Ones gambit. For those interested, the lineup in order is Yellowbird Habanero (mild), Secret Aardvark (medium if that), Torchbearer Garlic Reaper (hot), and finally The Beast (instant fucking hot...like between 250,000 - 1,000,000 Scoville). 4 wings with 4 different, escalating hot sauce. It was spicy, awesome, and delicious. I'll preface this with the fact that we've both been dealing with some stress and haven't exactly had the energy to be as romantic as we would like to lately or have been in the past (Afuck. Ayou. ACOVID-19). We get done with the spicy, grueling challenge, go to the living room to sit and watch some tube and chill. After about 20 minutes and a trip to the kitchen for a shot, she takes me by the hand and ...

This didn't happen today, rather when I was 14 years old, so around 9 years ago. In Scotland there's a primary school and a secondary school and the years are P1-7 and S1-6. I was in S2. The way parents evenings work is you get given a timetable and you have to ask your teacher for a timeslot. In total I ended up with 6 meetings. Now, my dad is something of a recluse. He is super anti-social, hates people, rarely leaves the house ect. If dad ever catches wind that someone is coming over to visit he just goes to bed. It doesn't matter what time of day it is, it could be 11am, he doesn't care. If my mum isn't at home and someone comes to the door, he just ignores them, even if they can see him through the window. I love him to pieces but he's antisocial as fuck. People always tell me my dad looks scary too. He's 6ft1, medium length hair and a massive beard, think the old man from the lighthouse but fat. He's also a little strange, he calls animals and pe...

I ordered food for delivery from DoorDash and I was watching YouTube on my ps4. One thing led to another and I got to “insider edition “ videos. If you aren’t aware insider edition has video clips of things happening to people (ie: people being kidnapped ,shooters and shit like that) and they give a short report of what happens, during this time I get a notification about my battery being low, but I was too lazy to move and I figured I’d just plug it up when I answer the door for the driver. To give you an image of the setting: I live on a street where there aren’t any numbers to identity a home. My bed is is next to the window and my room is on the 2nd floor, additionally my room is right above the front door Because there aren’t any numbers, I normally sit on the edge of my bed and look out the window. if I see my driver I go downstairs and signal them to the door. So 45 minutes later I get the notification that my driver is pulling up and I go ahead and get situated by my window...

Okay, so last night I had a great meal with my partner, however at some point during the meal, as you’ve probably guessed, a bit of food (I’m still not sure what) got stuck in my throat. Now just to specify it wasn’t just in my throat, it was like backed up where my nose meets my throat and every time I swallowed the motion kept it jammed up there. Unpleasant, sure, big problem, not yet. However as the evening becomes night my throat and nose get sorer and sorer until by the time I got to sleep I have an absolutely killer sore throat. I end up waking at sunrise as every time I swallow is agony, my nose is streaming and I realise I’m not getting back to sleep. So I creep out of the room and head downstairs trying not to wake anyone else in the house, and in this time I’ve been awake I’ve been surfing Reddit articles on food stuck in your throat. I’m attempting to do all the fixes, gargling, humming, eating bread and rice and gulping down the only carbonated thing I had in the house, a...

So this happened yesterday. I work a boring office job. Right now, everyone else is working from home, but I am sort of the “face” of the office so I’m back at work full time. Being here alone all day and with most of our clients also remote, there’s not much for me to do. I listen to a lot of audio books and reddit a whole bunch. I live in a legal state so I occasionally pop an edible when I’m at work (yes, my boss probably would not be thrilled to learn this). Now, I don’t want to actually get high at work, so I usually just take half a dose and it gives me a very nice, relaxed feeling that helps me ride out the day. Sometimes the piece I break off is small enough that I barely have any noticeable effect at all. So yesterday I broke off some of a cookie. A larger chunk than I usually eat broke off but it was close to the end of the day, so I didn’t worry about it. We have a gym in our building and I usually spend the last 30-60 min of my work day just walking on the treadmill. I a...

Well I was bored and I randomly started to think which of my past relationships was the best I ever had. Therefore, for a fair analyze I decided to take a look at Facebook's old conversations with my exes. Everything was ok until accidentally tap with my thumb the screen and reacted to a message from 2015 (six years ago!) on a conversation with my ex from highschool. The message was from her asking what do I like about her, in the context when were started dating, and me being a simp with simp answers. In panic, I tried to remove the reaction and desactivate my account to turn off notifications as quickly as I could but It was too late. She had already posted a big out of context LOL on her Twitter account. After losing my dignity I didn't hesitate to delete all those conversations so curiosity won't betray me again. Thanks Fb for making reactions so easy to use and for having the emoji heart as default. And fun fact: She was actually the best relationship I had so far....

So, I was in my bedroom and I was just chilling and from my window, I can see a person who was shouting for some reason, so I decided to ignore it because occurrences like these are not that uncommon. A few minutes go by and again I hear him scream, this time he was holding something that looked like a knife and on top of that it looked like he was shouting at somebody in the house and this is when I started getting concerned, as i thought that maybe he was going to hurt this other person. So I immediately called the police and not too long after, a few police vehicles showed up. They then proceeded to go to the guy’s house. A few moments later the police came to doorstep and told me what actually happened, turns out the guy was just having gamer rage and was lashing out, and that ‘knife’ was just a soft toy. And that other person? there was no other person in the house. I feel really bad now but at least it wasn’t anything life threatening. TL;DR : Called the cops on a potentially ...

me 22m , wife 22f no kids. also technically not "today" ifu She and i recently moved to a new country where she had to work. we decide she would work and i would take care of the house since she got paid pretty well. It was going well for a few months. I saw an advertisement for jingle writing.( jingles are small catchy tunes for advertisements) So i thought why not apply since this was something i've wanted to do for a long time and hadnt had the chance to do in my original country. i applied and i was to submit the jingle in a few days. Luckily i did get it. I then had to go to play the jingle for them and had to stay as the jingle was being filmed. So they decided to give me a time 3hrs per day and i said decided to keep it from 1-4 as my wife was out from 10am to 530 in the evening. So everything goes the same for a month. I had got the paycheck(a nice amount) around the 18th day but decided to not cash it in until they finished filming the commercial. All through...

Edit: since this post got so much Attention: amazon sucks, unionize. The driver is fine afaik, Saw him yesterday driving around the block The other day i accepted a package meant for my neighbor who was at work. It was a hot day, so my windows were open. However it was also very windy. So my appartement door is right next to the front door. I was laying in a T-Shirt and shorts on my couch, no socks or anything else. So i take this box for my neighbor and boooom my door closed because of the wind. I had no keys, no phone and no socks. That's when this amazing amazon driver stepped up. First he tried opening my door with a card. Afterwards he let me call my parents with his phone. Then he insisted on driving me to their house to get a spare key. I wanted to give him a tip or something, but he drove away the second i stepped out of his car. My hero. Tldr: locked out of my Appartment, saved by amazon guy Edit: Windows weren't wide open, more ajar (hope it's the correct Wor...

You're familiar with the expression, "I know that like the back of my hand", right? I didn't. Ever since I was a kid, I've been saying "I know that like the palm of my hand!". I noticed people smiled or grinned when I said this, so I thought it was just a funny expression, and I kept using it more. Finally, during a meeting at my new job, my boss asked me if I knew a tech stack. I replied, "I know it like the palm of my hand!". He sent me a Slack earlier this afternoon saying, "Hey, I trust you weren't trying to be NSFW earlier; the expression is 'like the back of my hand." I've said this to parents, teachers, crushes, and everyone in between. FML TL;DR It's not "like the palm of my hand", and you'll sound like a frequent masturbator if you say this.

3 days ago one of my internet friends said they may die and that if they don't post again, it means they did. They have a pretty serious medical issue, so our mutual friends and I just hoped for the best. Idiot that i am, after just 3 days of silence i assumed the worst. After crying a bunch, i posted about it. I told all our mutual friends and we all had a cry together. We were in the middle of deciding when we were going to do an online memorial (since we don't know each other irl) when lo and behold, THEYRE ONLINE. We thought it was their partner here to break the news, but no. It was them. Turns out that they were simply offline because they bad been in the hospital and are now recovering. Some freaking out happened, understandably. But it was totally my fault because i assumed immediately, and then convinced all the others. Imagine logging on and seeing your friends crying because they thought you were dead. My friend has a good sense of humor and thought this whole th...

Well, I just finished cleaning up the mess in the bathroom, showered & now laying in bed. This is what happened. I was at the kitchen table and had just finished my 3rd double shot of tequila when I figured I’d go upstairs to get ready for bed and call it a night. I put my phone to charge in the room (my first FU), got my towel and headed to the bathroom to shower. While I was in the bathroom, I got the sudden urge to take a dump. I sat down on the toilet, and halfway squeezing this sucker out, I realize there’s no baby wipes in the bathroom (2nd FU). I feel like I have to wipe for forever to get clean if I don’t use baby wipes, if you haven’t tried it, I would suggest it. Anyway, I wasn’t able to call my wife to bring them to me as my phone was in the room, and I couldn’t yell to my wife downstairs because our 1 year old was asleep. I looked over to the shower and that’s when I got the stupid idea to use the shower head as a bidet. We have one of those detachable shower heads ...

This Hapend today and now I'm questioning my life choices. Btw this is very nsfw well vagina. Oh dear reader I'm sorry for what you are about to read. I'm not someone who likes mornings and I don't get up early other then to pee. So going about my normal morning the full blade and the sun blinding me I get up in a sleepy haze waddle to the bathroom to pee I should mention I'm female. So I pee wipe stand up and take one step only to feel a sharp burning ish pain down in the Laddy friend. Fear runs over me. So I reach down and a giant bump. I'm now more awake then I was. I cant see it at all so idk what this weird thing is. So what do I do, leave it alone? Try to find a mirror and figure it out and make a plan? Of course not. I squeeze it. Pain and a loud pop and liguid? Pull my hand up and my fingers are covered in blood. So do I leave it alone? Do I call my doctor? Nooo I squeeze it more and another pop and more blood. Put tissue and not the amount of blood yo...

To preface, I’d been having anxiety because my boyfriend and I are on the outs. We are hardly talking and my usual anxiety has been amplified. I hadn’t eaten anything in 72 hours and my stomach was in knots from the emotional turmoil. I fucked up by letting out a fart at work that turned out to be a lot more than I bargained for. Instant regret. I was sitting in my car on my lunch break, 5 minutes before I had to clock back in, and I go to let out a nice fart. You know, the kind that relieve a stomach ache and make the world feel a bit more satisfying. Instead, I was met with something I can only describe as hot, wet mass enveloping my thighs. I was wearing light colored pants, which soon were a disgusting yellow brown color. If that all wasn’t bad enough, I remembered I had to clock in and had to quickly come up with a solution. I ran back to work, hobbling as to not disturb the shit that had found a new home between my thighs. Thankfully my manager was in the foyer, so I waved t...

Among my many responsibilities is the regular updating of our digital road sign - a huge, two-panel LED display that provides information for our community. We recently upgraded the controller and software so that it has some new features, one of which is enhanced text overlays on the pictures. I should also mention that the sign itself is not visible from my office as it is located at the far end of the parking lot. I was experimenting with using the sign and opened up the editor. The default picture was a woman in a beach chair, white bikini, and white straw hat sipping a drink. I added a new text box, which has the default text "Double Click Me to Edit". I double clicked the text box and started to edit but got distracted by a couple of issues that arose. Somehow I managed to leave "lick me" as the text and, not fully understanding the new controls, pushed it out to the sign. tl;dr: For six hours our electronic sign out front showed a picture of a woman in a b...

So there's this cute lady I work with at the office whom I've had a crush on since she joined the company about 5 months ago. Today I finally asked her out. She said yes, so we went for lunch. Lunch went great, she agreed to go back to my place to hangout for a bit, maybe have a drink or smoke a blunt. While we talked we realised we're both weed-heads, something that made us almost click immediately. Back at my place, we were having a great time, then things started getting steamy. I won't bore you with the details, however, I'll just say we went to the last base! However, the fuck up comes when about 15 mins in, she'd cum a few times, and she was now waiting for me to cum... My dick decided, "not today son!". We spent the next 10 mins trying different positions in an effort to make me cum, but my dick just wouldn't get the memo. After trying for what seemed like ages, we eventually tired out. She was not amused. I could see the disappointment i...

Today, my angel of a fiance agreed to help me get my cat to his vet appointment. Toby (cat, not fiance) is 15 years old and instantly cranky whenever the thought of travel farther than bed-to-couch is broached, so you can imagine his opinion of road trips. Usually on the 10 minute car ride to the vet, Toby regales us with his favorite performance art piece: reading the Riot Act in several languages while pooping and, more impressively, throwing up, all at the same time. His attitude does not improve upon arrival at the vet, nor is it assuaged by their means of obtaining his vitals. Toby's reputation is such that last time we were in, the doc gave us a sedative to give before his appointment. Now, years ago, my late wife and I bought him a fancy Kickstarter travel bag; soft walls, plenty of ventilation, and even a pouch mechanism wherein we could reach in and pet him during the trip! In the ensuing years, we've lined said fluffy palace with unwanted towels o'plenty, in or...

Throwaway for obvious reasons. So ever since I started masturbating, I never used lotion. Never saw the point in it, and when I did use lotion, it didn’t enhance my finish the way some people said it did theirs. So last night I finished the deed, and I felt and audibly HEARD a tearing noise. Now I was confused, until my dick started hurting. A LOT. So I take a look at under the head, and THERE IS A TEAR AND BLOOD LEAKING. I freaked out, and screamed. Then my dad came running in and asked what was wrong. I sputtered , had no clue what to say and just kinda pointed to my meat and the blood on the floor, and he just laughed, and told my mom, 2 older brothers and sisters. Now he and my family are calling me “raw meat”. On top of that now I can’t beat my meat for at least a few weeks until it heals. This has happened before, it just didn’t tear open and bleed last time. TLDR: beat my dick so hard it literally tore a hole under my meat stick’s head

Some basic facts: I’m a married woman with three kids. I live in a medical and recreational state. I have a med card. So, I’ve been looking forward to today for a few days now. I had to drive to town today to sign my part of the taxes, an excellent excuse to enjoy some time away from the kids. And as we’ve just gotten our stimulus, I decided to make a day of it, go and get a bunch of things done and purchased that I’d been putting off, then pick up a few medical grade chocolate bar edibles, as yesterday my MIL offered to take the kids overnight tonight. Woohoo! I left this morning a little after 10am. It takes about 30 minutes to get to town; we’re rural. I got my errands done in the downtown area and, coming out of the final shop, turned and got to check out the shiny, new medical dispensary. Neat! And I got an extra lollipop with the chocolate bars. 10mg. Ooh fun! And then I ate it without thinking....(I realize now this was not smart) I made a couple of quick stops, maybe 30 mi...

Not the most exciting story but I definitely felt very fucking stupid. Obligatory, happened beginning March of last year until about July. So, I live in NYC in lower Manhattan. I’m also a very big fan of sandwiches as well as hot sauce. I have went to stores that exclusively sold hot sauce and was in heaven. Anyways, around when lockdowns started I happened to break up with my bodega. The nighttime deli man was an asshole and would try to charge me $1 for 4 ketchup packets when I bought a burger w/ fries. It’s crazy. So I started going to a new bodega. It was extremely clean, the staff was friendly, and the dude I went to always remembered key aspects of my order like “extra cheese” and “however much you think is a lot of hot sauce, put more.” I went probably 8-10 times a week, twice a day, usually Monday/Friday. Always sandwiches, always extra cheese, always too much hot sauce. The thing is, there was just something about the sandwiches that tasted off. Not necessarily “bad” but ju...

Let me preface this by saying it was 100% worth it, even if the only thing I have proven is that I'm not funny and I have no work ethic. Today, I was in my Foods class (basically home ec) and we were talking about a sheet we did yesterday. We were talking about fats and food groups and the question was "where can you find cholesterol?" For some reason, my mental impulse was to write "yo mama," so I did, because I thought it was funny. My teacher did not think it was funny, she sent me to the office. Honestly, it really wasn't even that funny. I told the dean why I was in there and he just shook his head and looked incredibly disappointed, which is a personal achievement for me. I am a disappointment to society. TL;DR, Cholesterol is not found in yo mama.

Quick flashback I was 5 when my dad was murdered in front of me in cold blood, it was intentional, I am now in my 30s. So I meet a girl at a Giant EDM festival (EDC pre covid) in a different state and she was amazing , Blue eyes, blonde hair , funny, energetic a Perfect female for me. We hit it off and all has been well until three nights ago. While out having dinner we decide to share stories of our past and families. She begins telling me her dads story and it was strangely a similar to my own, and so the odd vibe continues. I ask more questions, as does she and its confirmed without a reasonable doubt our dads knew each other down to the neighborhood they both lived in. It gets better... She asks if she may text her dad and ask how does he know my dad by name, I agreed and she did. daddy starts blowing up her phone “Where are you, who are you with, whos asking, are you ok” etc. panic questions she begins to cry and says “Daddy I’m fine but do you know this man?” He says Yes I do. ...

This literally happened today, but of course context is king etc etc. My (37M) daughter (3.5F) likes to buy things when we go out. If she sees something she likes, she'll ask us to get it for her, which is how we have 15 water bottles at home in different shades of pink and a bunch of random squeezy toys. Stems from a variety of reasons, but mainly mixed messages from all of us who care for her (I'm strict, my wife is moderate, my MIL swings between extremes) As a first step, I decided to start her on an allowance, and she can't spend more than that. She understands the concept well enough, and she generally doesn't spend more than she's given; and if she forgets we gently remind her that she's spent her allowance and she needs to wait till next week, and she's not fussed. But greedy me wanted more - I wanted to teach her to save (she tends to blast her full "allowance" at one shot, although it isn't very much to begin with). And telling he...

Let me preface this with the obligatory on mobile. Also this happened when I was 4/5 I am now 32, but it’s had an impact on my life I guess, so I will share. When I was about 4/5 I was a curious kid, I also believed everything everything my kid neighbour (Bob) told me. Well one day Bob told me his older brother had an illness and had his willy chopped off because it got sore, and now he’s going to be a girl (we were 4/5 remember). Anyway that got me wondering what it would be like as a girl, I only had a brother and I was really curious, so here comes the fuck up. I told my parents my willy was sore, I don’t hundred percent know why, but I was a curious and weird kid. Anyway, they took me to the drs who prescribed me some kind of cream (that I obviously did not need). Well the cream set off some kind of reaction, and my willy really DID get sore, really quite badly. Badly enough for the drs to feel that circumcision would do the trick. So yeah, that’s what happened. I got circumci...

I can hear! Kind of, my ear canal and drum are still slightly swollen, but it's out! I sadly could not get a picture, but it seems the nurse's at Urgent Care were exaggerating, or the drops actually helped. The ENT doctor said it was a small bit of wax and it came out with more forceful irrigation (still no satisfying vacuum! Wth! Lol) Thank you all for your kind words of advice, best wishes, and birthday wishes! While it sucked having that nastiness in my ear for longer than a day, it was still a good birthday! Use my experience as a cautionary tale, don't use a Q-Tip to clean your ear....or at least don't shove it all the way in your ear canal lmao TL;DR Cleaned my ear with a Q-Tip 5 days ago and ended up shoving the wax against my ear drum. Just now finally got it out and got my hearing back. Sadly, no picture of the little effer.

So in my first year of university, (college for my American friends) I M18 got involved physically with an friend F23. Now I am not a native English speaker and she was quite aware of this as she was very English. I speak English as a native speaker though so I should have known better. As a prelude to us going out the one evening we were invited over to one of her friend's apartments for some pre-drinks. As I stepped though the door I had noticed that her carpet was grey and her curtains were blue. And I in my years of wisdom asked why the curtains don't match the drapes and a very shocked FWB and her friends looked at me and asked me if I knew what that meant. I very sheepishly questioned weather or not it means literally if the carpet on the floor matches the drapes on the window. I was then subjected to several minutes of raucous laughter from her friends and quite a fun evening afterwards. TLDR: Took a saying about hair and pubic hair colour a little too literally. But...

Small company, so I guess it could be worse, but, being a small company means I have to see everyone every day all day...   If I had access to a private one on a hillside overlooking a valley, I'd have gone -since I don't, I made a break for the one at the end of the hallway past the employee break room. Normally, I'm a bit anal about locking the door behind me, but it kind of slipped my mind, or I assumed I did. As I was sitting there, I realized the door wasn't locked. It bothered me, but, everyone had finished their break, and I had waited until the hall, break room and restroom were clear (I'm a bit of a shy pooper) before heading in.   So...   I finish, clean myself up, and stand up. Well, I still had a bit of pee left in me, and since my pants were already down around my ankles, I just turned and faced the toilet. It's also force of habit to stand with my back to the door, because you just never know when someone is going to walk in. Now, being a g...

Tifu so my partner is Persian, and as such I have been slowly learning Farsi to talk to her in her naked tongue. Well tonight, we were starting to get down to some snuggling and as I was caressing her I figured it was time for some sexy talk and I started with a few sweet sayings. Now usually I opt for English, and since she didn’t know I had started learning Farsi, I wanted to surprise her tonight by ‘seducing her in her tongue’ as it were. I started off with classics like dooset daram (I love you) and atashe delam (fire of my heart), which she was surprised by and seemed really excited by. Then, disaster happened, when I stumbled into a mistake or two... by whispering in my most velvety voice, ‘an am’. Which, according to my wife, means my poo. I think she pulled a muscle by laughing so much. She hasn’t stopped laughing yet, and I don’t know when she’ll stop. Tl;dr I called my wii is fe ‘my poo’ in her native tongue whilst aiming for sexy talk

Last year my brother and I put a little play set in his yard for his daughter, my god daughter, princess lollipop. My mother, known as mammy, always said, "be careful so you don't fall down and break you crown!" and since princesses wear crowns. She is now princess lollipop. (her favorite snack). Well this little play set has a swing, a tower, and a slide. Nothing fancy but she says it is her castle. And who are we to judge what a 3 year old has for her kingdom! So every so often princess lollipop goes in to her castle while two brave and noble knights cross swords in epic battles to win her favor using the time honored imaginary swords of old.... Christmas wrapping paper tubes. It allows us to beat each other up and make her day. But she knows how dangerous there weapons can be... She knows they must be put safely away (if they survived the battle) and can not be touched until you are much older, 8 at least!! Now here is where I really f-ed up!! So this Saturday was ...

This happened to me a while ago, but I wanted to share it. My grandma is super wholesome and loves to feed me. She would make my favorite food everytime I visit her (often). So, the other day she invited me to eat, and she made beans, but not regular beans... I'm from Chile, so these were "porotos con rienda", basically a beans soup with noodles. And she gave me a looooooot of beans, probably three times what I would eat, but I didn't wanted to be rude and I ate all of them, included the tomato salad she made after. I went to take a nap and as soon as I waked up (1hr later) she made me a grilled cheese sandwich. My tummy was full but I said "well I would be so rude if I reject it". And then the list went on and on all day. I went home with a stomachache, but whatever, I would poop and then call it a day. At least that's what I thought. The pain was getting worse and worse to the point I fainted and my mom had to carry me to the hospital. I was in the...

A bit of background beforehand. So I just moved to a nice new apartment that's way better than my old one and have befriended my downstairs neighbor, a lady in her 60s. I haven't had a boyfriend in a while but do occasionally mess around with one of my guy friends (ex/crush) when he visits. We were in the middle of "it" the other day when my neighbor called me on my phone and said she was baking brownies and would be up in a while to give them to me (she's so sweet!). I hung up after thanking her and proceeded on with my friend. Now this is the FU part 1, my bed is squeaky even when I climb into it and in the moment I was having a good time and didn't care because I didn't think it would be that bad. The part 2 of the problem is the walls and floors are insanely thin, like I can here conversations through the walls thin. So half an hour or so later we are done with what we were doing and no sooner do we stop than I heard a knock at the door. I quickly ...

Come on we all do it right. And obviously it’s way more fun when you might get caught. Anyway I got a few light ones in the aisle prior. After a swift glance at my 6, I reared back for an absolute God hammer. Now before I go on, she’s never complained about the pain, in fact when she gets me back I squeal like a baby. So I’m thinking to myself that the store is kinda busy and this is sure to fluster her for a moment before she realizes there’s nobody around. Best case scenario anyone within a 3 aisle radius will assume I dropped a large pie face down. So I send it home. As she turns around and says my name in that tone you can hear already I see the look of horror start. Right behind me is this old lady with her mouth open like Mike Wazowski. All I could say was “sorry” with a long S so i didn’t sound quiet as embarrassed as I was. The lady says “you know you don’t have to put up with that” obviously directed at my wife. By the time she shuffled off I was ready to laugh at it but I...

Not today, but earlier this year I'm (27F) a grad school student working on a school counseling degree. I had an assignment last quarter in which I was to interview a current school counselor about ethical dilemmas they've faced in their career. Simultaneously, I started saying 'woof' in response to things... situations in which I was unsure of what else to say, in particular. I'd compared it to 'oof' in terms of its usage and before you ask, I have no idea where it came from okay. I blame it on social awkwardness I've developed amidst the quarantine. Anywho, this counselor proceeds to tell me a story about technology use. She discussed how difficult it is to monitor and enforce appropriate internet use, what with gen z kiddos knowing how to get past all kinds of barriers, firewalls, etc. She described an instance in which a 6 year old used a school-issued computer to look at animal p*rn. ...to which I felt uncomfortable and replied 'woof.' ...

This happened about a month ago, and was completely my stupid mistake. I was was using a machine at my job that had an exposed belt drive. There are clearly marked areas around this machine where you aren't supposed to stand, but people tend not to pay attention to them. I had walked into this area to pick up something I dropped and wasn't paying attention to how close I was to the spinning belt, and when I leaned over to pick it up, my pants got caught in it. It pulled me in so fast that before I could hit the shutoff it had made a huge abrasion on my thigh and sucked in my genitals. I instantly knew from the pain that it was not good and screamed for my coworker to call 911. The ambulance thankfully got there very quickly and was able to unwind the belt and take me to the hospital. The end of my dick was completely shredded and the surgeon had no choice but to amputate about half of it. It hurt extremely badly for about a week, and only stopped being sore just recently. Get...

This actually happened back when I (M23) was around 6 or 7 and learning about grammar at (french) school. This is around the time when you learn that a word that ends in "-al" in singular will turn to "-aux" in plural. This is relevant to the story. As a child I tried this with every words I knew: "un cheval, des chevaux", "un animal, des animaux". See, This is fun! My mom was at home with a friend of her and I was also there, all of a sudden I think about this movie title which I was to young to watch: "Lords of the rings" or "Le seigneur des anneaux". "What would it become if I reverse singular and plural here?" I asked myself. After a good five minutes of turning it in my head I go to my mom and tell her "Do you know about the Lords of anal?" Excpecting to be congratulated for this flawless handling of my native language. Instead, she bursts into laughter with her friend while I sit there in front of...

Hey, So this just happened and I wanna bury my head in the sand. I'm an engineering student and this year, my college decided that we all needed to get some economics in our cvs. I'm not making any judgemnts, I just don't like it, cause I feel like I didn't sign up for this. As such I'm a bit extra frustrated with having to study this alongside other hard stuff. So, today, we were talking about production–possibility frontier which, in case you don't know, describes a semi-parabola, and the teacher asked someone to find a point on a graph. Since the class is online, as usual nobody answered and, somehow, and I still can't figure out why , my teacher thought that the problem was that we didn't know how to solve a quadratic equation, and then, she started teaching university engineering students how to solve a damn quadratic equation. Now, I was already fed up with having to wake up to have this class, and now sleepy me would have to endure a 20 minut...

An acquaintance of mine hit me up to ask for getting portraits of herself done by me, so I agreed. We set up a day, which was about a week ago. I told her we’d shoot for an hour, and then I had to go afterwards to complete some errands. Anyhow, first I picked her up because she doesn’t have a car, which wasn’t too big of a deal, I didn’t mind giving the ride; but, after we finished the shoot we went our separate ways after we finished. A couple hours later her boyfriend asked to get some photos done for himself and a friend I believe, so I told him it’ll cost him my rate ($75/hr) otherwise I collab for free if I hit the person up. So with that said, I backtrack and tell the girl I had just shot with if she can shoot me any money my way it’d be appreciated. Well, she really took any amount to heart and she sent $10, which is less than minimum wage in California. She then told me I’ll get great exposure due to her follower count. (3,000 followers)😪 TL;DR: Girl asks me for photoshoo...

This happened on Friday so... I’m sorry. Friday after work I got a text from my wife asking me to pick up a few things from the grocery store. Upon arriving I headed to the produce to pick out some avocados. While inspecting said avocados trying to find the perfect Guac candidate, an older woman next to me goes “awww man. No more watermelon.” I glance over at her and we may eye contact so I feel obliged to respond. “Aww. Well maybe there is some more in the back!” She sighs and says, “would you be a doll and check for me?” I chuckle and say “of course! I’ll be right back.” Now there was my mistake. I wrongly assumed we were having friendly old person/young person banter. What I failed to remember was that I was wearing black jeans and a polo almost to the exact color of Publix’s uniforms. In fact, the first time I wore this shirt a few months ago my coworkers gave me a hard time about it. Since then I haven’t thought anything of it. So I go about my shopping trip, buy some steak...

This happened to me 3 years ago and I’m posting this as a cautionary tale on the off chance it happens to someone else in the future. A little background is needed here. My wife’s family, who lives next door, had just endured a week long stomach bug. As a result, when stomach bug-like pain started to manifest in my upper intestines, I dismissed it as being symptomatic of the afore mentioned bug. I spent two days in a barely functional state with a light fever and progressing inability to keep warm. I was a mess, but I justified it as undergoing something normal and therefore denied frequent suggestions from my wife to get checked out. Surely in a day or two it would pass and I’d be back to myself, I thought. On the evening of the second full day of this ‘bug’, and after spending much of the day cuddled in a thick fur blanket, I went to bed shivering. Not even piling the fur blanket on top of my existing blanket and with a heating pad underneath me could change that. As I lay shiver...

I (29m) was waiting for my order in the local coffee shop. Also in the store waiting for orders was a girl who looked around my age and a guy who seemed to be a bit older (35-45). I noticed the guy was talking the girl’s ear off and she didn’t seem very interested in the conversation. Next thing I notice, she’s approaching me saying “Brian?” My name isn’t Brian, but before I could correct her I remembered reading something online that said “if a girl ever pretends to know you, play a long, she might be in trouble”. So I played along and started having a friendly chat with her as if I knew her. Well, not long into the conversation she looks at me and goes “wait, you’re not Brian”. To which I respond, “I know, I thought we were doing a thing”. Then a bit louder and annoyed she says “why would you pretend to be someone I know?!” Now the guy she was with before comes over and asks if everything is alright. Knowing I had fucked up, I just told them honestly what I was doing. Turns out he...

So I have to admit this happened about 6 weeks ago but my embarrassment kept me from sharing, I can now see the humour in it I recently was working in a school for a short period of time, first year teacher, and they had a dress code that I wasn't used to, business attire. Alright I had a few things that I didn't like but I could make work and it was only going to be for a couple of months so it wasn't wasn't biggest drama. I worked for a month and had built up a very good relationship with many of the boys I was teaching and gaining a lot of confidence with them. Then on my 4th Friday I was invited to speak during their year level assembly, I was standing to the side waiting to talk when all of a sudden one of the boys ran over and whispered "miss your entire shirt has come undone". I had put my hands behind my back to stretch and hadn't noticed that every single button had come undone revealing my lace bra. I quickly did my shirt back up but it was fa...

Literally so embarrassed right now, about an hour and a half ago, I decided it would be a good idea to boil my silicone toys since no one was home at the time. After I got done boiling them, I put them in my room on my desk for the mean time. Now off to take a shower... I go into my bathroom ready to relax with a nice shower, but I heard my dog start jump up fast from the sofa (she only does this if someone is home) I quickly notice my parents are home. I end up rushing to go close my room door.. Okay no problem, my door is shut, I'm fine now... (haha no... This is where I f*cked up...) I go back to my bathroom ready to get into the shower now, but before I do, I hear my step dad at the door. The convo went something like this: Step dad: Ethan (my name) I'm home, when I was out, I got you a Twix, I'll 'put it beside your desk' for you. I also got you something for your bathroom toilet as well. Me: Okay, thank you If only I caught he said "near your desk......

after getting home from work my mom and brother were sitting on the couch watching tv. i sat down next to my mom and was hugging her when my brother brought up the topic of my mom losing her virginity before marriage (which is something she said she didn’t do several times in the past). then my mom said when she lost her virginity isn’t her problem, i then said yea you should be worrying about your son’s virginity instead. then she asked what i meant by that. i blurted out “cause he’s going to lose it to me”. i was mortified because that actually came out of my mouth. we all started laughing hysterically as i was trying to explain why my brain did that. i that i was going to expose the girl he was going to lose his virginity to but mid sentence realised i didn’t want to be that sister, so my mind went blank and i just said me 😭😭 it was simultaneously hilarious and also terrifying TL;DR i was going to jokingly expose who my brother wanted to lose his virginity to in front of our mom...

My cat, Penelope, is 15 years old and like most cats her age, has developed some health problems. I found out she has kidney disease back in September and since then I have kept her on a pretty strict low-protein diet. Since then, she has lost a lot of weight since that it one of the symptoms of kidney disease in cats. Two years ago she was a chonk weighing 16 lbs, now she is only 5 lbs. She is pretty boney now, but acts completely normal and I can tell her new diet has been helping a lot because she rarely pukes whereas before it would be a weekly occurrence. Although the vet told me it is more important to keep her kidneys healthy then for her to gain weight, every time I pick her up I feel her ribs and I cannot help but feel bad for her. So, I did some research and saw that some people give their cats rice, and rice is actually very helpful for cats with an upset stomach. I figured giving her some in small amounts would give her some extra carbs. Of course, I called the vet before...

So I recently turned in my program’s equivalent of a master’s thesis, which the faculty of the department reads and decides whether to pass you and let you graduate…or not. I still haven’t heard a final decision from the profs, but I was chatting with my friend the other night and my thesis came up, which I had sent to him. Our conversation went like this: Him: I liked the little comments, too Me: wait what comments? Him: the ones on the side from your dad I was silent for a second as I stared into the wall in mute horror Me: that was the document I turned in to my professors Silence Him: ah. Oh no. I had turned off all of the comments before submitting but apparently, you have to delete them all or the settings reset when you re-open the document. I guess I just never thought about it because I always kept the comments open when I was editing. So what my professors received was the document I had put my blood, sweat, and tears into...along with the little comments from my mo...

TLDR: Busted out laughing at what my son said to my wife while she was getting him to fold laundry. Ends up having to fold my own laundry for the foreseeable future. A bit of disclaimer. This actually happened yesterday and I found it so funny that I posted the story in a couple of other subs. A lot of people suggested that the story really should belong here, so here I am. For a few months now, my wife had been training my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it every time. Yesterday afternoon was no different. As my son complained about having to do the chore, my wife, trying to convince the little guy, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much." My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry." I was in the next room doing some reading and I immediately busted out laughing when I heard it. My wife laughed, too but decided that I should ...

Obligatory this wasn't today but three years back. I met some bums and befriended them a little bit; they dabbled in the underworld and normally I don't do these things, but today was a different story. I go into bum #1's car to "do a favor" for bum #2, who wanted his meds from Target. Of course it wasn't actually bum #2's prescription, but an Asian male grandpa's he acquired somehow. Me being Asian, I should get the prescription easily. I get dropped off at Target, enter said Target, go to the pharmacy, tell the pharmacist the name and date of birth of the prescription owner, and acquire the prescription. I go back outside and get into bum #1's car to hand the prescription to bum #2. I didn't get caught, and I stupidly tried turning myself in. I even called Target to see if they wanted to press charges however they refused. TL;DR: Pulled off a successful prescription robbery at Target for these two bums.

For context: I’m a native Spanish speaker and my dad and I talk only in Spanish 99% of the time. I was texting my dad because we’re going to meet up for his birthday for dinner tonight. In the process of planning dinner he asks me if I have gotten vaccinated yet. I’m in the process of getting ready to meet up so my phone is in a separate room and so I use my Apple Watch and specifically changed the languages to Spanish and then say the following out loud: Me: “Yo también me puse el Pfizer” (I also got the Pfizer). He had just texted me that he scheduled his appointment for the vaccine and was scheduled to get Pfizer. What my Apple Watch hears: “Yo también my pussy and Pfizer” and sends it without any confirmation from my part... Me in a fit of panic run across to the other room and grab my phone to quickly correct to “me puse” with an asterisk. The part about it that really makes me laugh/cry is that I’m pretty sure Apple has this thing where they autocorrect to things that you us...