greenmangostudio

No real names used, obviously. So, backstory, I have a friend, "Tom" that I know from high school whos currently in college. In the winter break of 2019, he and his friends from college had decided to fly back to our hometown to spend Christmas and New Year, because one of his other friends, "Jake" is also from our hometown but went to a different high school. Since Toms parents moved out, they're all staying at Jakes place. While he's here, me and Tom hang out, and then we all go to a new years party at Jakes's house. Its mostly made up of people from Jakes high school, so I don't know anybody there. So the party is going on ok, but people are already smashed and its not even midnight. Tom gets super drunk and gets approached by this girl from Jakes high school. And this girl is horny. She wants Tom. So they're flirting with each other, and I'm kinda sitting adjacent to them, doing nothing (Im kind of a known wallflower, especially since ...

So we went to our family friends cottage today, and I decided to try to waterski for the fist time. I was expecting to fall quite a lot before getting the hang of it, so I set my mind to letting my body relax if I were to fall so that I wouldnt hurt myself. This is where I fucked up. I relaxed all my muscles, including my ass cheeks just a bit too much. I fell backwards, ass first, and water shot up my ass with the more force than I want to even talk about. The pain and suddeness of it nearly knocked the wind out of me, but I had to pretend like I was fine, because I couldn't bring myself to tell my dads friend and her 13 year old daughter thay I just got a lake water enema. I sucked it up and kept going for a while. Cue getting back onto the very bumby boat, clenching my cheeks for dear life so I dont leak liquid shit into their boat. We finally get back to the cottage and I waddle up to the bathroom with the most urgency I've ever felt. I spent the next 20 minutes to sitting...

Background: I met this super cute guy on Tinder a few months ago. We aren’t a couple, but I have feelings for him. Also, we have ridiculously incredible sexual chemistry. I hadn’t seen him in about a month and a half as I had been traveling for work. So he comes over today. One thing leads to another and we’re in my bed. I’d say that we are both pretty vocal during the deed. There’s a lot of moaning and hyping each other up. So he’s saying things like “I love how you feel” and “youre beautiful” and I am hitting him back with “you are so sexy” and “you feel amazing”. The scene of the fuckup: So he’s on top. I have my legs pretzeling him. My hands are cupping his neck and he is kind of doing the same. He says, “look at me...” So I do. And in my mind I am like I should say something dirty because we are staring into each other’s souls and it’s ridiculously sexy. BIG MISTAKE. For the record...he kept saying things like “I love how you feel” or whatever and so I was going with the s...

So my nephew was born with issues with his lungs, he's only a few months old and has to be kept on a mixture of oxygen from a bottle for a while. They said it isn't a permanent thing and he'll eventually be able to breathe on his own as he grows up. (I'm not fully sure exactly what he has I just know this is the case.) I'm quite a sarcastic person, I love a good dark joke and I'm always looking for ways to subvert peoples expectations in a comedic manner. Anyway, we're at a family dinner, it's the first time we've met up as the extended family since long before the pandemic. All of my cousins were flocking over to my nephew in his chair next to my sister, giving him all the attention a cute baby with breathing tubes is going to get. One of them said to my sister: "So how long is he going to be dependent on oxygen then?" And I just couldn't help myself and chime in: "His whole life." Everyone looked at me with that star...

Okay so like so many posts this happened like a year ago. So my parents were out on a date type thing while me and one of my sisters hung out at the house. We are weird so we collected a sh*t tone of fruits and veggies and dumped them in the bathtub. Then turned out all the light and were bobbing for apples but without apples. This went on for about one hour of use dunking our heads in gross water and pulling out carrots and lemons. So after I scooped the remaining bits of soggy bread out of the tub I went outside of the bathroom to get more food for the bobbing when I slipped and accidentally kicked a wall and broke my toes. Weird thing is I kept bobbing for fruits while in pain bc no pain no gain. So later when my mom got back and I started feeling the full force of pain (broken toes don’t really hurt to much and it wasn’t that severe so it was more of inclining sharp pain) I told her I think I broke them and she asked why so I had to explain how I waisted 50% of our produce and got...

This happened earlier this week. I spent last weekend visiting family in Utah (I live in Virginia). The morning of my flight home, I had my car and apartment keys in my hand, and thought "If I take these out of my luggage, it'll be one more thing I have to keep track of, but if I leave them in I know they won't be going anywhere." So I left them in my checked baggage, handed the luggage off to the American Airlines rep, and hopped on the plane. Also in the luggage was my three year old goddaughter's teddy bear; she wanted me to have it on the flight to 'protect me from the virus'. Well, my keys didn't go anywhere, and neither did the rest of my luggage; it never made it to Virginia. I found this out when I landed at 11:30 PM. After 18 hours of dealing with baggage services, we worked out that my luggage never left the airport in Salt Lake City. The airport staff can't find the bags, so I had to get replacement car keys and a rental while I was w...

This FU happened around three years ago. I was at home texting my girlfriend who was having a rough day. She was home reminiscing her baby brother, who sadly had passed away a couple years before. (May he rest in peace). At the time, she had only mentioned him to me once, and it was brief. She was telling me how she was sad and how she missed her brother so much. She tells me she wishes she could hug him again. Im reading her texts and I’m blatantly confused because she has another younger brother, who I thought that’s who she was referring to. Thinking I had missed something, or that she had forgotten to tell me something, like maybe her brother went on a trip, I proceed to respond with, “What? Isn’t your brother in his room? Why don’t you just go and give him a hug?” In my head I’m thinking, “Bruh what is this girl on, her brother lives in the same house, why doesn’t she just find and hug him?” I wait a good minute for her to respond and she replies with, “Not that one, I’m talking ...

Last week I had COVID and isolated at my mothers house since the people I live with have 2x 2 year old kids. I forgot I had scheduled to pick up some weed-infused chocolate so I picked up and paid for it and left it in the freezer, contemplating whether I should or not. Mistake number 1. I went back home after I got better, and completely forgot to take my edible with me. Mistake number 2. Got home and realised what I’d done but I had work the next day, so I figured I’d come get it on my day off. I left on Wednesday, today it’s Saturday, My day off is tomorrow. Mistake number 3. My mom must’ve found my edible and ate three rows of it before it kicked in. I did a pretty good job of hiding my stash: kept in an empty container in the last drawer of the freezer. It was obvious that I was hiding it too and wasn’t store bought chocolate yet my mom has a habit of eating whatever without asking or letting anyone know. I should’ve known this would happen. Mistake number 4. I was at work wh...

Today I went to the DFAC to get a shitty breakfast and ran into my sergeant there. I hadn't shaved and she scolded me for it. I told her I slept in today and would shave before I got to work. Then the conversation went like this. Sergeant: "Sleep eh? You like sleeping soldier?" (Who the hell asks were questions like this? Who would say no?) Me: "Yes Sergeant. I want eternal sleep." Sergeant: "...Solider, are you suicidal?" Me: "No sergeant! I want to be alive, just not conscious!" (Why the fuck did I say this? Why didn't I just say I was exaggerating?) Sergeant: "Not conscious? So... Dead? Soldier, I'm referring you to behavioral health!" I just told her "Yes Sergeant" after that and now I have an appointment with behavioral health next month. Fuck. TL;DR: made my sergeant think I'm suicidal because I said I wanted to sleep forever.

Obligatory this was about 8 years ago in high school. My best friend started dating a boy from a different high school and she started hanging out/partying with that school. She invited me and I was down. So, we get to the “party” which was really about 10-15 people in a basement. They’re all talking about their friend “Toothy”. I’m like huh, weird name but ok. So I’m waiting for this toothy guy to show up. He shows up and I say, “hey what’s up Toothy!!” and I swear it was like in a movie where the record scratches and everyone turned and looked at me. Turns out, (as I should’ve guessed by the strangeness of the name) that they only called him that behind his back and all these Jacknuts failed to tell me that OR his real name. I felt terrible. So Toothy if you’re reading this I’m so sorry I think about it all the time lmfao. TL;DR: Called a kid the mean name his friends called him behind his back to his face on accident in the middle of a party.

This actually did happen today, about an hour ago. So my girlfriend has long brown hair and I've gotten used to finding them everywhere. In the shower, in the sink, in my bed, in my truck, in my ass crack, etc. Well this morning I was heading out to grab some breakfast and I'm wearing my lazy shorts and no undies, and as I'm walking out the door I feel something feeling like a caught hair in my nether region. No biggie, happens all the time, just reach in and pull it out. Well the stars aligned in a pretty malicious way and this hair was I guess wrapped in a figure 8 around both my frank and beans, crossing over in the area between. When I pulled, this abnormally resilient hair squeezed my balls a bit, which hurt but was nothing compared to what the intersection on the bottom of the base of my dick did. I now have a very painful "paper cut" at the bottom of the base of my dick and it nearly made me throw up when looking at it. Not particularly gruesome, but ver...

I've been ordering (takeout) dinner from my favorite sandwich place 15-30 minutes before close for MONTHS. They almost always accept my order, and I never realized the massive inconvenience I was causing. I didn't even tip them on some days! I'm 25 years old, and I've gone my whole life without realizing that closing time for a restaurant does not mean the same thing as closing time for a store. This is just one of those blind spots in a persons knowledge base that's totally inexplicable, "How have you lived your whole life and not known that?" I've never worked in a service industry job before, and I always assumed that "open from 11am to 8pm" means "stop accepting orders at 8pm, continue cooking & serving whatever is queued up, and clean & close when that's done". It's just, like, what's the most important time for a customer to know? The time when that customer will be refused! So of course the one time that...

This happened about a year ago or maybe the real FU was 40 years ago? Anyway first off, I’m old. Like 60 years old. When I was 20 I married a smoking hot 18 year old babe. For whatever unknowable reason she hasn’t divorced me yet and she’s still a smoking hot babe in my books. Back in the day I had a Polaroid camera. Push a button, it makes noise, a small pic slides out and slowly develops into a photograph. For it's time it was cutting edge. I think they have made a bit of a comeback recently. As you can imagine there’s really only one legit purpose for those things. Nudes. So one Saturday back 40 years ago the wife gets me all hot and bothered and naked then snaps a pic of me on my back and stretched out - in all my glory. I followed up with a few candid shots of her getting out of the tub, bent over, doing her hair and a few other nudes. Some tasteful, coy, silhouette, looking in a mirror... some just legs spread wide not so tasteful. We put these pics away in our special bo...

This just happened and I officially hate cable ties now. So i was messing around with a cable tie and put it around my wrist not realising you can't undo them without cutting them and every time I tried it got tighter and completely cut off my blood supply so for 5 minutes I was struggling to take it off when finally at a red traffic light (im in a work van at work) I rushed out and to make things worse everyone probably saw me with this around my wrist, i definitely looked like an idiot. I got this knife and only just managed to cut it off like it was really difficult but I managed it. My hand and wrist realty hurt and that was a truly terrifying experience. I'm an actually idiot don't put cable ties around your wrist ( i think that's kind of obvious but still) TLDR: put a cable tie around my wrist, tightened it when I tried to get it off, almost lost my hand

i’ll make it quick cause there’s not much to this story. flashback to spring awakening a few years back in chicago with a few friends. i’m all hopped up on quite a few substances and feeling quite horny. i decide to start flirting with some girl i know over snapchat. it’s going well and she’s reciprocating. me being fucked up and not seeing clearly i open my moms snap to her saying “that’s nice!” in response to me saying i’m having a great time. i respond with “it would be a lot nicer if you were slowly sliding down on my cock”. she responds with “what the fuck?!” immediately check who i snapped and proceed to apologize profusely while proclaiming i’m drugged up and didn’t mean to send that to her. she’s never brought it up again but i think about it randomly and it still haunts me tl:dr snapping mom and lady friend at the same time and accidentally tell my mom i want her to ride me

Obligatory mobile user, sorry for any formatting weirdness. So this happened about a year or so ago, not to long into my current job. I work at an entertainment center (think arcade, bowling etc.) and this was my first ever 12 hour shift. By hour 10, I was absolutely shattered, and my customer service filter had switched off. With a couple exceptions, we can't fix our arcade games ourselves. If they break, we switch them off, put up an out of order sign, and give the customer their money back. Cue customer walking up to the counter. Me: Hi, what can I help you with? Customer: One of your machines isn't working, I put $2 in and nothing happened. Me: Oh which one? I'll turn it off and chuck a sign up. Customer: The chocolate one. (Now this machine was very obviously broken; lights off, claw dangling off the rails, the whole works. It also had a sign) Me: ...You mean the very obviously broken one with an out of order sign? Customer: Yes Me: And you still put your mo...

This is a very recent TIFU, so I'm typing it out right now to make sure the relevant details get captured. I was returning a monitor to Amazon today, which I'd usually do by way of printing out their return label, taping it to the side of my package, and dropping it off at my closest UPS or FedEx location. This time they gave me the option of taking it to my local Kohl's, closer than my post office, and the package I'm returning is relatively heavy so I decided to give it a try. After packaging things up as per Amazon's instructions and loading the box into my car, I headed to Kohl's. Right away, I was greeted by a guy who clearly had somewhere to be making trips in and out of the store, carrying boxes from Kohl's to his UPS truck. This seemed to be the location. I stepped inside and was immediately greeted by a large sign displayed front and center: "Amazon returns go to the Home Depot." Okay, that sucks, but I'm not going to cause a scen...

I work as a bagger in one of the higher end grocery stores in my area. I’m fairly new and this place is real big on customer service. Unloading the carts, bagging, taking groceries to their car, the whole nine yards. Tonight it was slow and pretty chill. This guy comes rolling up with his young son “driving” one of those horrid kid carts. You know the large monstrosities that you can’t get around. I think, instead of him awkwardly fighting with it, I’ll offer to unloaded for him. Good customer service move right? He nonchalantly says sure. I look and he’s got two boxes of condoms and a thing of lube. Nothing else. Well that got a bit awkward. Like how am I suppose to make small talk with this guy whose clearly there with a purpose. I’m feeling a bit tongue tied so, not thinking, I just default to what I’ve been saying all day long. I hear myself say “So do you have any big plans for the weekend?”. Now I’m really uncomfortable. This guy turns and looks at me sorta serious like for a...

TIFU by not kissing him Well it was yesterday not today, but he went to kiss me and i didnt let him. Okay so some background, we met online and started talking, everyday and I feel comfortable talking to him about almost anything. We have been talking for five months, everyday and we have met one time in person before and it was great. But Im an shy person when it comes to meeting people so it took a while for me to be comfortable with him. And we didnt have that much time together (some extra information idk if it is relevant but we dont live close), so didnt get much time to talk to him in person. We message a few times about plans and things that we need to do together which always brings a smile to face to know that he thinks of me. We met again in person yesterday and spend more time together talking, getting to know each other more. It was getting kinda cold outside so we got closer and ended up holding hand and hugging well more like his arms were around me. And I sort of...

A couple months ago, my SO, daughter (9), and I went on a mini vacation. Since we were staying at a condo for more than three nights, we decided to go grocery shopping. Sometimes when we go grocery shopping we would split up and go grab things we want. My daughter and I went on our way, she grabbed her snacks and favorite Mac n cheese. I had a bunch of things in my hand also. She walked up to a cart and threw her things in, I followed suit and threw my stuff into the cart. I looked in the cart and notice a bunch of healthy dishes and salads, not really the norm of what my SO would buy. I glance up quickly, see a guy in a baby blue t-shirt and black cap. Looked back down at the cart and proceed to say in my sexy voice I use with my SO,”Oooooh, what are you making tonight??” Someone replies,”I’m sorry ma’am I think you have the wrong cart.” I look up and it was not my SO. I quickly apologize, face beet red and grabbed our things. Then grabbed my daughter’s hand and ran off as fast as...

Oh god I am so embarrassed. So to start this, I love browsing Instagram. I follow a thousand different fashion, hair, makeup, jewelry, etc, accounts for inspiration. My fyp is basically a whole bunch of beauty gurus and models. Also is important to mention that I am currently living at home. So cut to the fuck up, today I am scrolling when I see a photo of a model that looks remarkably similar to my mother! I look closer at it and it's definitely not my mom, but from first glance they look pretty similar. Without thinking twice, I screenshot it and send it to my mother. My phone pinged with a notification. 'What were you watching?' My heart drops. It clicked. Upon further examination, I realize this is a screenshot from a porno! There are lewd posters behind the woman, and the classic black couch and bright lights. How did I not notice?! I panic. I'm not sure what was worse, my mom thinking I was watching porn, or the fact that this lady looked just like her. I d...

Yeah... I wasn't sure whether to post it or not but I figured what the hell. So, it wasn't a TIFU, more like 15 years ago IFU. I was always a little shit as a teenager so I was pretty much permanently grounded. Well, I worked at this diner as a fry cook and saved up enough money to buy a PSP (PlayStation Portable) figuring my dad can't ground me from stuff I bought with my own money, right? Wrong. Within a month of me having it, my dad took it away like an ass hole cause I did something he didn't like, don't even remember what I did that time. Anyway, they were gone one day and I decided, screw this, I'm getting my PSP back. I began pulling out drawers in their dresser but all I found was clothes. Looked on the stand where they kept the tv and had some cabinets, not there either. So, I pressed my cheek to the floor and there was a small box, maybe a shoebox or something, under the bed. What I do remember is my PSP on one side of the box and my mom's big ...

Sorry for formatting and bad english. Soooo... like 2 hours ago i fucked up. Like a week ago i ordered a suction cup dildo, it was so beautiful and cute ( transparent pink ). Me and my boyfriend were bored, so we began to play with the dildo...you might think we played with it in a sexual way, but no, we threw the dildo against walls and furniture with the goal that the suction cup holds against the wall/furniture. After a while this was boring too, so i pressed the dildo against my forehead. And that was the moment where i fucked up! The suction cup was sooo stroooong it even hurt! After removing the dildo it left me with a round, red, swollen bruise on my forehead! It looks like i hit my head against a wall or something, it looks kinda bad but it does not hurt. I don't think that it will go away by Monday and Monday is my first day in a new company ... well tl;dr pressed a suction cup dildo against my forehead and now i have a bruise that looks like i hit my head against a wal...

My lovely wife of 30 years is going through the change and had a hot flash this morning during breakfast. Being a total dumbass, and for some reason I still can't fully grasp, I said "your forehead is really pink". Wow You know those pictures of atomic bomb tests taken 1 millisecond after detonation? It was a lot like that. I now feel obligated to share some advice based on years of relationship experience with the opposite sex. Guys: no matter how innocent it may seem, don't ever comment on your life partner's hot flash. Maybe just get a glass of ice water or open a window without saying a word. Gals: please remember that even after 30 years you are a mystery to us and we are dumb AF as far as women are concerned. Your continued patience is greatly appreciated. TL;DR Don't ever comment on a woman's hot flash!

I (25F) recently experienced a late term loss of my twin daughters. Not even 2 weeks after my loss my family held a birthday party for my cousin, Amelia’s son and asked if I wanted to be there. I decided I’ll attend but I’d remove myself if I felt overwhelmed. My other cousin, Jared (30M) also attended with his girlfriend and son. Jared and I haven’t spoken for 10+ years. Well everyone starts drinking as we’ve hired babysitters indoors. Jared then proceeds to start a screaming match with his girlfriend. He ends up sending her and the baby home. There was a girl named Taylor (19F) who kept flirting with him. She was trying to kiss him and more in front of us. Amelia got upset at Jared for trying to cheat on his girlfriend in front of his family. He was getting in Amelia’s face and saying shit about her parenting skills, her baby daddy and more. I separated them because again, I’m the only sober one. She went inside and he turned to me and said “You’re not even a fucking parent so I d...

This actually happened about a decade ago. There I was taking a drive around town on a beautiful Saturday morning, soon after moving to another town for college, when the sirens started. Air raid sirens. I had never heard them before except when watching news from war torn countries. I frantically scanned the skies, searching for planes, wondering what prompted the alarm. Also, why wasn't anyone reacting? What was I supposed to do? Is there a procedure for taking shelter? In tears, I called my boyfriend, who was out of town visiting family where he grew up.... In tornado alley. I never lived it down. (well, until the divorce) In case you were not aware, many regions have weather sirens, which apparently get tested on occasion during fair weather... I grew up near the beach, where the only tornadoes are weak spinoffs of tropical weather systems. We don't even have weather sirens. TL;DR: I heard weather sirens for the first time and thought we were being bombed

So last night around 1am my fiancé and I are woken up to a bang coming from what sounded like our bathroom. It sounded like someone dropped the toilet seat or something. No one else lives in the house with us so my mind immediately flashes to intruder. I asked him if he heard the noise and he says yes, he'll go check on it when he gets up for work in a few hours. I said someone needs to go check now, because an intruder isn't going to wait a few hours to end us. He insisted he'd check later so I decided to go check, I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep is someone didn't. Our house is small, you can pretty much see the whole thing from the center. I glance around, both doors are locked and there's no one in the kitchen, livingroom, or office. Strange thing is that the bathroom door is closed. I always leave this door open overnight because we have a weirdly placed air vent in the bathroom that turns it into an icebox or oven if you leave the door closed. At...

Years ago I was a late bloomer when it came to the most common puberty hobby. Something about it just felt awkward so I didn't do it despite unusually easy access to porn for a 14 year old. Turns out no nut puberty has consequences. One day at the end of football practice I started having intense abdominal and groin pain. The pain was so intense I could barely walk. I'm from a small, rural area that was pretty much has a deal with it, shake off the pain attitude so I just dealt with the pain for about a week. At the time I lived with my brother(24) and his then wife since my mom was a truck driver. My SIL definitely noticed something was wrong but I refused to acknowledge it and didn't tell her the full extent because I didn't want to admit to being weak or talk to a girl about my tenders. My will finally broke when my mom was home for the weekend. She suggested it could be a hernia which freaked me out even more and led to me claiming I can just deal with it for the...

Obligatory first time poster, not a native speaker so thanks for any corrections. Last week, due to work-related reasons, my husband and myself were not going to be at home friday night. Normally this wouldn't be a problem as my 16 year old takes care of my 8 years old when this happens, but he had soccer practice until 8 pm which means he was arriving home say 9... too late. So we had to get a babysitter. Luckily for me, the school has a list of teens that are available for odd jobs and we could get one of there. Because we live a little bit far away and whoever came likely needed to stay the night , I decided no girls for obvious reasons. I know, I know, sex should not be a taboo but teenage hormones are teenage hormones and modesty aside, my genes are good! My boy is quite handsome if I say so myself and I dont want to be a grandma before reaching the 50's. So we get a boy, a pretty decent young man a grade below my son, super friendly, with good references. Perfect in a...

This happened last night after a lot of drinks at a bar with friends. Writing this from next to the toilet on my phone. I(27M) have been hanging out with this girl(28F) for 3 months now. We hit it off immediately, talked every day, went out all the time. Few weeks in she told me that she is not ready for a relationship as she is not over her ex. Ok, no big deal, I'm fine with being friends. Everything continues as normal, we hang out one on one, watch movies, have meals together, normal friend stuff. That until this Tuesday. I was with some friends having beers, when one of them asked me if that girl and I were together. Not the first time I was asked that as we were basically inseparable. I say "No" and move on, what I didn't expect was a follow up question if I wanted to be with her. I had asked myself that question hundreds of times but never really thought about it. Anyway I say "Yes", expecting that this would be the end of it. But no, hearing it o...

This happened 2 days ago, but my one coworker thought you'd get a kick out of this story so they suggested I post it here. We have several security cameras set up inside and outside of our building. We all have monitors that display the camera feeds (multiple feeds on one screen, like zoom call) that are visible from our desks. This is important in the event one of our clients gets into a physical altercation with another person on the property. Right now we are still not seeing any clients face-to-face, however, we occasionally get volunteers and random people visiting. One of these random people is a kid (maybe 19 or 20 years old) and he is here because of court mandated community service hours. Lets call him Tyler. Tyler has been doing odd jobs around the office. Window washing, mowing the lawn, weedwacking, moving heavy file boxes, etc. He's always been very polite and energetic. However, one day he went upstairs (he was cleaning up there recently, but had finished) and ...

So my toddler (two years old) was sleeping on my bed peacefully after spending numerous hours of exhausting play time activities. I decided to put pampers on him so he won't wet the bed, unfortunately and out of habit for him, he woke up the instant I lifted him onto my shoulders, only to discover my wife had anticipated him sleeping in my bed before going out and had placed an absorbent material under the bedsheet where he usually loves to sleep. Cue unlimited more hours of exhaustive playtime. To top it off I could have put pampers on him without lifting him, but I tried to do it the way I usually do when he is awake. Little rascal. To be honest it's been a week and it still mildly pisses me off, could have had a relaxing evening alone doing "whatever". Tl;Dr woke up my sleeping toddler unnecessarily and missed out on a relaxing evening

This literally happened about an hour ago and I don't think I can ever go outside again. So today, my period started, and us folks who have periods know how brutal it can be going to the loo, especially on your first and second day. Because of this, when I left my house to visit my parents, I took some wet wipes in case I had a bout of the dreaded period shits whilst I was there. Luckily I didn't need them. I got back around 11pm and within minutes, I had to sprint to the loo because I knew exactly what was coming. Once I'd suffered for a while and knew it was all over, I reached for my wipes but realised they weren't in my bathroom. I'd left them in my bag, and I'd left my bag in my living room by my window. My living room has a window right by the fire escape style stairs that go up to my first floor flat. I also have a security light by my door, so when I'm sat by my living room window, I can see anyone who comes up the stairs and is by my door. The on...

imagine this, you are a high school student studying online (because the one and only virus) from 7am till noon, all you wanna do in class is just wear a tee and go on with your life listening to the teacher without contributing much unless asked but you apparently have to wear a uniform including a tie (which i think is stupid. wearing a school uniform in an online learning environment). with that 6 months ago i decided to use OBS to automate the camera, so i don't have to wear a school uniform and since i expect that most teachers wont focus too much. boy was i wrong the setup i used wasn't too complex, only a single 7 minute video (i know it should've been longer and that could've probably saved my life) slowed to 75% and looped "seamlessly" with some "odd" movements like drinking tea and more but for what I'm doing, i expect this should be more than enough (and as i said, boy was i wrong) despite the shitty system i have which should be bl...

So didn't happen today, happened a month ago, I was in bed with my gf and I was telling her why I love fall and Halloween and I told her how I love the colors, the foods, the cool weather I then went into what I do every year for Halloween, I was telling her that I like watching crappy Halloween movies and Halloween specials of old shows I like all while eating the candy that we didn't give away During me going over why the fall and Halloween makes me so happy she asked me if I ever hung out with friends or went to any parties during that time of year and I just paused, sat there for a second and I just said no one ever invited me nor asked me to hang I got really sad after that, I felt like crap cause I never enjoyed anything with any friends and just started to realize how alone I am and have been ​ ​ ​ TL;DR: I talked about how I love the fall and realized no one ever did anything with me

TIFU, BIG TIME. This happened about 15 minutes ago and I've only just recovered enough to write this. (TLDR at the end) Title says it pretty well. Me and my partner were spending some quality time over the phone since we don't live together and got into "The mood". Lots of over the phone masturbation etc (no I won't elaborate). I was in a particularly good mood today and offered to send some material for them. I didn't just send a simple nude. I went the full nine yards... For context me and my partner enjoy some spiciness, not just a bit of exotic lingerie or light slap on the ass during sex. We are a very very kinky couple. And in my artistic wisdom I wanted to put a show on I know they'd like... So me. In a collar, full body lingerie, using one of the larger toys. Begin to take a few images and send them over discord. But here lies the issue, I was messaging them alot earlier and I assumed it would open to my partners DMs but raging horny me forgot ...

Yes, this happened today. on mobile so shitty formatting will happen. tired. Will update if anything develops. if you know me irl, I’m sorry for you reading this. Here is the preface: I live with my family members currently, but for many of my days i have my boyfriend stay over. However for when he’s not around, i have a special toy he gave me to help me get by. Normally i store this between the mattress and the headboard- I read a story here a while back about memory foam and dildos and i was really hoping not to repeat it. now to the fuckup. Its a busy day. Im tired. My family is doing a last minute move due to a lease deal going south- which means I’m also moving. So my boyfriend and a bunch of family pitch in, and a day full of pulling boxes and driving them across town later, i finally lay down in a temporary bed. My boyfriend lays down with me, and we talk about our days. eventually a question comes up- what ever happened to that dildo? And here my friends, i am left speechle...

Yesterday I was driving about 4 hours from my parents to my house and stopped for gas about halfway. When I was inside buying snacks I saw a woman standing in front of my car looking really confused. I asked the cashier if she had talked with the woman, and she said she was in the store a few minutes earlier but didn't say anything. I figure she needs something, so as I walk back to my car I ask how she's doing and she says she just got a brand new car and couldn't figure out how to open the gas tank door as "they moved the button." Naturally, I offer to help so I walk over to her car and start with the simplest thing - "Have you unlocked your doors yet?" She says yes and hands me her key fob, which I click unlock a few times and push on the gas tank door and it doesn't pop open. I then go through the next logical step and check the floor by the driver door and find it up by where the drivers left knee is. I pull it and show her how to use it by clo...

Obligatory this didn't actually happen today, but rather exactly 34 years ago today I went swimming and decided to follow a light through a tunnel and found myself kicking and screaming, covered in blood and feces. Now, here I am 34 years later sitting in front of a vanilla cake with strawberry frosting and 34 lit candles, paper cone affixed on my head by an elastic band that is digging into my neck, wondering why I ever propelled myself out into existence to embody this mortal shell, a fleshy vessel that selfishly swells to size, consuming all it can around it, whose only sense of meaning comes from gathering resources to create and sustain replicates, only to then slowly shrink back into a wrinkled ball of nothing. Tldr: its my birthday

Okay, so this happened around two years ago when I (23f) went back to my home country for the summer as I am currently studying and living abroad. One of my best mates back home invited me over to his house for a few days for drinks and chilling out in the pool. Let me just mention that he is the gayest of the gays. Like, bends it more than Beckham. This is important for later on. So, on the second day we get up, have breakfast and just mong about. It was a really hot day and we decided to go into the pool. I proceed to grab the new bikini which said mate gifted me for my birthday and go and change in the bathroom. Meanwhile, my mate is outside the bathroom waiting for me to come out so I can show him how it looks on me and to just flaunt it baby . Anyway, I burst out the door and eagerly shout out "so, how's this look on me? am I a hot bitch or what?". I quickly look at my mates expression, and it is just complete horror, I have never seen a facial expression like it...

Some user was asking about how their partner got them hard. I asked him about it and he said that I didn't do anything. Granted, it's true. I'm still very shy about it. I asked if he did want me to do anything or try innovating. He said no. I laughed and asked innocently why. This is where it goes bad. He told me he didn't want me to start anything and make it his one way to get hard and have to awkwardly explain it to his NEXT PARTNER. Still in disbelief I asked jokingly "next partner? What? You're not getting a next partner." He said "We don't know what the future brings." I'm holding back tears in the car but damn. I'm distraught asf. TLDR: Asked my boyfriend why he didn't want me to try to initiate sex and he told me he didn't want to make it his kink and have to awkwardly explain it to his next partner.

So the obligatory it wasn't today but over the weekend. This was my first time selling on eBay and I thought I'd have more sense than I exhibited... I was looking to sell an old laptop I had for a couple hundred bucks and had cross posted it on multiple places (FB Marketplace, OfferUp, eBay, etc.) Was just chilling and waiting when I get a message from someone who seemed legit in that they had a name for their profile, email matched the name, and they had reviews on their profile about them buying and selling things. Long story short, we had messaged back and forth about price, agreed on a price and I went to mail the package fully expecting the money money be in my account like was agreed. Mailed it and gave the confirmation code, the person said everything looked good ajd then ghosted...I never got the money...contacted UPS to see if they could stop shipment and went to report the guy on eBay with no luck there either... For future knowledge, always make sure you have the ...

I am not weed nazi, but this d00ds a slacker and I thought for sure he'd been smoking weed in the office bathroom. He came out of the bathroom with that hazy eyed lost look and I though this is my chance to confirm my suspicions. I walk into the bathroom and take the most confident inhale of my life. In no way, shape or form was I prepared for the wretched, inhumane scent of rotten shit that touched my soul. In that moment, while I instantly gagged, I was overcome with disgust and shame for my lack of foresight. I never even considered that he might actually be taking a dump in there. I fuucked up. ​ TLDR; Took a sniff of the bathroom thinking my co-worker was smoking weed, he was actually taking a shit and I took a huuge wiff of it..

Needless to say, this is a throwaway account Few days ago, while I was sleeping next to my wife, and according to her, I talked while dreaming, It happens to me very often to speak while sleeping, especially when I'm exhausted, but most of the time it's just nonsense, bunch of words with no meaning. But this time, it seems that I was very eloquent and said that I love a men mentioning his name (it's my boss) and that we had sex and our wives should never know that. I have no memories about the dream, nor about what I said, all I know is what she told me and thay I'm not gay and my boss is probably the person I hate the most in this planet. My wife is now thinking that I may be attracted to men as well. Ps : English is my 3rd language, sorry for any mistake. TL;DR : TIFU by talking while sleeping, now my wife thinks that I'm gay

Today I fucked up by making a dry ice bomb to satiate my 8 year old desires. When I was a kid I witnessed a magician use dry ice for the first time ever. It blew my mind. There was smoke everywhere, everything was mysterious and cool. Ever since then I’ve had a fascination but never really acted on it. Well I received a package today with a generous amount of dry ice. Suddenly I’m 17 years younger. I smash it to pieces. Throw a piece in my pool and it bubbles. Sick. In nursing school prerequisites the scientific method is drilled into us. Hypothesis - water bottle + dry ice = big pop? Experiment - I do what any normal 25 year old man would do and put a couple of pieces in a Poland spring bottle. Then I put like 20% pool water in to get that shit nice and smoky. Bottle starts expanding. It feels tense but there are still wrinkles. Wrinkles disappear so I toss it on the ground. No pop. Three tosses later and I get frustrated. I pick it up and hold it. POP Data: This must be what a ...

So I (M17) have been living in my first appartement for 2 years and the bedroom only has 1 lamp, which does not light the room very well. I always thought "man my bedroom is kinda claustrophobic" and thinking the light clearly wasn't bright enough. Now that I think about it, I would always avoid being in my room and always went to the living room. And today, i decided to get really high and when I entered my room I felt like looking out the window. While opening the blinds, I realized "han, I never open the blinds" and when I closed the window with the blinds open I saw a band new room. It felt like a room I had never been in before. I was amazed, it was a brand new room that looks way better than my bedroom. Then I realized how much brighter the room was supposed to be, with the windows open. Thinking back, my dumbass has been living in the dark for 2 years without even realizing it. I sometimes brought girls over, who must have thought I was a psychopath or s...

So this actually did happen today! I started my new job in the private sector today. Was really excited to start there as being in public in my field was so draining and tiring. Anyway, I went through the usual new hire processes. Showed up and was given a tour of the office, while being introduced to all my new coworkers. It’s a pretty small office, I’d say less than 50 people there. After the introductions, I had my onboarding training and whatnot. During my training, I went to the break lounge to get myself some water and saw some of my new coworkers talking and decided to force myself to socialize and be a part of it (I’m a big introvert so I decided to go out of my way). They were about 4 or 5 of them having a chat and discussing another one of my coworkers, we’ll call them coworker X. They were all discussing how coworker X used to be an alcoholic and just hit a major milestone in their recovery by being sober for the last 6 years. Now, I should mention a few things. One, I’m...

It was one of the most embarrassing moments I have ever had. So I was at the appointment getting my right leg checked. I do not want to go into details of my disease but here is the thing. The doctor was a blonde woman in her 50s maybe. There was nothing sexy about her due to the faxt that she was dressed properly Perhaps her redly polished toe and finger nails. There was also no sexual tension between us of course. She was very nice and talkative. Anyways, the doctor checked my right leg and asked me if it hurt. I said no. She continued feeling my legs until her hand slid towards my testicles. She did not touch them of course. And there we had it. I was so nervous. My mind suddenly switched from anxiety to sexual thoughts. I tried to stop the thoughts but it was too late. My cock started growing and I was sweating. I mean real sweat. I felt my own face blush as my penis grew inside my pants. She eventually noticed it. She looked at it. She did not chuckle or anything like that. She...

This happened earlier today, and it wasn’t that big a deal at the time, but as I lay in bed I can’t help but replay the moment over and over again. So I (16 f) was playing Minecraft on a voice call with my sort-of-boyfriend J and my friend V (f). V helped set J and I up, so when we get together we usually make a lot of jokes about J and my relationship. Today it was a lot of teasing V and I, because J is significantly better at Minecraft than the two of us. At some point in the game I managed to successfully ward off some monsters while building a house, and during my celebration I jokingly said, “J, please validate me.” My father was in the same room as I was, and he said something along the lines of teasingly validating me. I had my headphones on at the time, so I could only half hear him, and just kind of snickered and kept talking to my friends. Now, like yours truly, my father loves to be “validated” for his bad humor and witty retorts. He needs every joke he makes to be ackno...

About 2 years into dating, she went through a phase of asking a lot of weird questions. I enjoyed it as it was fun to talk about dicks and balls and the joys of living with them day to day. She asked if it was ever “in the way” or “uncomfortable.” “Absolutely! All the time! For instance if you sit in the mall and watch people walk around the mall on a warm day, watch for guys to take one awkward long step. That means there nuts are sticking to their leg and that long step peels them off in a similar fashion and sound as pulling open Velcro.” That was almost 8 years ago. Yesterday we were at the mall and she gets absurdly excited every time she sees it, enough to make them notice a couple times and smile and wave like she thinks their famous. And for that, I’m sorry guys. It’s a hilariously awkward thing for her to be excited about, but that’s why I married her. TL:DR Broke guy code by spilling the secret about sticking ballsacks to your leg and taking the long step to de-Velcro you...

As it turns out, gas is NOT a good substitute for diesel when lighting a brush fire. We had recently cut down a tree in my yard and I was attempting to burn some of the limbs and other debris left in my yard. Green limbs and leaves don't light as easily as dry, dead wood, so I made the call to give it some "encouragement". Unfortunately, I was out of diesel so I tossed a little gasoline on the brush and lit a leaf. Apparently I didn't quite get back far enough so I was caught in the fireball when the gas went boom. Luckily I was able to turn away and get my right arm up in time to cover my face, but I still ended up receiving superficial 2nd degree burns on my right leg and forearm. My left leg was less crispy, only having severe first degree burns. Currently spending a week off work to let the blistered skin grow back on my right side, while contemplating my own stupidity. In case you're wondering why diesel is any better than gas, it's much less explosi...

So I was out weeding the yard, when I see an unusually large clump of grass. This isn't uncommon for my yard, so I just weed right through it. Then, a pellet of something wet and mushy hits my nostril. I thought it was mud or something at first, because it had just rained recently, but it was not so. When my fingers went to wipe it off, they came away with dog shit on them and I realized the horrifying reality of the situation. I went inside, trying not to breathe through my nose, and quickly wiped my nose off with toilet paper. Only then did I realize that the dog shit was actually inside my nostril, not just on my nose. I had to spend over 5 mins with toilet paper wiping a combination of boogers and my dog's feces out of my left nostril, trying not to breathe through my nose the whole time. So yeah, how's your day going? TL;DR Was weed-whacking and a piece of dogshit shot up my nostril, I had to wipe it out.

I made a duplicate account just for this fuckup. Didn’t want to spread it on my main. So there’s this person (28F) I’ve (25M) been talking to, not romantically or anything just casual flirting and or suggestive comments. It’s a back and forth thing between us. Well, the other night she pulls up to my place of work and asks, after a little pause, if I would be interesting in fucking her because her baby daddy was “being a shithead and she wanted to get back at him” (they’re both divorced and just living together to pay rent). Of course I said yes, I’d be down. Well, tonight is where the fuckup happened. After some intense flirting, she asks for a dick picture. (And I’ll be honest, I’m 95% sure I have a smaller than average dick. No woman has ever told me that I have but I imagine they wouldn’t want to just insult my genitalia like that.) But tonight I decide to be a little more confident than usual and took the best dick picture I could. I was then left on read. After giving her wh...

Actually happened last Sunday. I was out of town for two weeks because of work, so my wife and I hadn’t seen each other for a while. On my way home we’re sexting a bit and things are getting pretty heavy. I get home and fire up the shower. She pops in with me. We’re making out and move things into the bedroom. We share a wall with our neighbours, so I cut the lights and throw on a movie (The Avengers) for some background noise. She’s on top of me riding, but I can tell she’s into the movie too, so I flip her around and hit it from behind so we can both watch, because that’s what gentlemen do. It’s her favourite position, so she’s getting suuuuper wet. Like, really wet. Within 30 seconds she’s having an orgasm. Well, when she nuts, I’m usually not far behind, so I tell her I’m close and ask her where I should cum (again, because I’m a gentleman). She says “cum in my mouth”. So I stand up and unleash everything I got. I’m talking full out cerebral palsy orgasm, where I couldn’t even o...

This was a while back, I (35m) would have been 17-18 at the time. I went for my first ever STI test at a young persons sexual health clinic and was nervous about the whole thing. The tense atmosphere in the waiting room didn’t help either. Everyone was deathly quiet trying desperately not to make eye contact with anyone while they worried about whatever ailment they may have. I eventually met with a doctor in her office 1 on 1. She was clearly in a hurry. I was just inside the door when she started explaining that they would start with a urine test and placed a small screw cap container on her desk. ‘Remove the top, fill it up to the line, then seal it. I’ll be right back’ She leaves her office. I started carrying out her instructions. I had my cock in this container pissing away. But, just as I was reaching the line and straining to stop the flow she walks back in and on seeing me shouts ‘NOT IN HERE!!’ That surprised me. Sufficiently enough for me to turn my body, miss the co...

A little backstory here. I'm a divorced father and my ex is a real POS. We're talking about a woman so bad that I've even had feminists side with me in augments with her. And I mean stereotypical, man-hating, "like a fish needs a bicycle" feminists. Anyway, yeah. All my interactions with this woman revolve around what's best for my kids, and in my mind what's best for my kids very rarely includes their parents fighting. Which, for the most part, means making what most would consider an extraordinary effort to get along with her even though she's a manipulative narcissist with some sociopathic tendencies. So when she called me up to ask to borrow one of my vehicles while hers was in the shop (I have two, one I've had forever and one even older that I bought from my parents for near nothing when the other was wrecked) I hemmed and hawed and finally decided it was ultimately better for my kids if their mother had a way to get to work so she didn...