greenmangostudio

This occurred minutes ago. I was organizing my closet and I found a pair of old speakers from 10 years ago. It look so new and clean! This is great, I can use it in my campervan. I was trying to find screw holes then I saw the speaker hole. Without missing a beat, I stuck my index finger into the speaker hole. Needless to my knuckle got stuck and the more I pull the more swollen it got. It's not coming out. All I could think of is that I'm going to take my son to daycare in an hour with a bose speaker stuck to my hand. How am I going to explain it to the teachers? The owner told me that my son is the most mischievous kid they have encountered since they started 20+ years ago. Now they are going to find out where he got it from! Eventually I got out of it by elevating my hand to let the swelling go down and applied some lube. Anyway time for some coffee. TL;DR: Stuck finger in speaker hole and life flashed before my hand.

This happened a month ago. It was around 3am and I couldn't sleep so I thought "Hey, why not shave down there? It's been quite a while." I bring out my shaver and start going at it until everything is gone. Then, I turn around and try to shave my ass. As my fellow ladies might know, it's kind of difficult to shave one's ass. You bend over and pray you don't nick anything. Well, in this case, I nicked something because I started bleeding. Ass blood all over my hand. The bleeding showed no sign of stopping so I shouted for my younger sister (with whom I share a room with) to come over to the bathroom and help. She comes in and starts freaking the fuck out. She's screaming and I'm trying to calm her down whilst holding my butt cheeks apart to prevent the blood from staining the other cheek. I tell her to get something that may help me and this idiot grabs a small bottle of glittery hand sanitizer and squirts about half of its contents into the woun...

Alright so basically I didn't do anything wrong. We were friends before but we didn't do anything inappropriate when he had a fiancee. But we were working together (different positions, it wasn't a problem but sleeping with your coworker still sounds like asking for trouble) and his fiancee knew who I was however we never spoke. A while after they broke up, I hooked up with him and we decided to be fuck buddies since sex was surprisingly amazing. I met him today in a bus. Like crowded bus. He told me "Wow, you look great today, I have never seen you like that" (I had a skirt) I answered without thinking "Well, apart from our work you basically only see me naked so it is possible you could miss my best outfits". Yes, his ex was at that bus. We laughed it off and basically it is still very funny for me but somewhere deep in mind I hope she won't get the wrong impression. Like, he really didn't cheat on her and I would hate if she got some insec...

I saw a similar post several days ago and wanted to share my near similar experience. About 18 months after I lost my job at the airline (so around 1998) I was finished with college and working at what is now defunct MCI/Worldcom. I was a contractor put on a project to upgrade the network that brokerage houses used to access the NASDAQ stock market. My job was to make sure the field engineers recovered and sent in the retired network equipment, called CPE. Previous to me being hired the engineers in the office were all sharing one big mess of a spreadsheet. It took me weeks to get it sorted out because it was full of duplicates, errors, deletions that shouldn’t have been made, etc. I spent a lot of time hassling with it, even sorted out better – it was just cumbersome - and so my job was a pain. Then I realized the daily reports I ran on the mainframe could be put out as a comma delimited file. So, I wrote an Access database to make my life easier. Then I imported the good data fr...

So today I though i would play a prank on My partner, she’s usually a good sport and up for a good prank as we like to prank each other. Yesterday we enjoyed a nice meal with each other and I was sat thinking of ways to annoy her as per usual, so I was looking around at ideas online then I found a video of people doing the clingfilm over doors etc so I thought about doing the clingfilm over the toilet. Today I went out and brought 2 rolls of clingfilm, laughing to myself while I was purchasing thinking about how funny it was going to be… all I could think was spray back and a scream. I hadn’t seen my partner as she had been out this morning doing her job (she works as a carer so she goes to peoples houses and helps the elderly but she always rings me when she’s on her way back home. The phone call came in she was on her way home, so it was all stations go, it’s surprising hard to get the clingfilm to look like it’s not there in a well lit bathroom so lucky I had about 30 minutes t...

This happened about 2 years ago (yes sorry it wasn't today) It was about 10 at night when I thought "why not go for a nice wank." Usually I lock my door, But it seems today i didn't. It went per usual, Masturbating while laying on my bed. When I was about to cum, i heard footsteps coming closer. Thinking my door was locked, I quickly came so i could go to the bathroom from my bed pretending i was taking a shit so whoever was at my door would have to wait. Well I had ejaculated and i quickly heard my door knob squeaking. Turns out i didn't lock my door and i was under my sheets with cum on my stomach. My dad walked in, unknowingly that i had just cum and i had to be there uncomfortably for 3 minutes with cum on me while my dad talked to me about school. TL;DR: I masturbated and came, My dad walked in while I had cum on me.

Ok So my daughter has this one guy friend since 6th grade, who has always been coming over to our place. I think in ninth grade she told us that he's gay, honestly never got the impression that he was. I mean sometimes you can absolutely tell when a guy is gay without even really knowing him. Anyways we went to a little trip in the forest, usually when we go on such trips, my daughter takes one of her good friends with her. This time she wanted her guy friend to come with us. We had a great time in the forest and had planned to sleep over at a hostel. My wife and I slept in one room and my daughter and her friend slept in different rooms. I was ready to go to bed, when my daughter asked if she was allowed to, go out with her friend a little and just walk around in the area. It was already late but I said yes. I actually wanted to stay awake and wait for them to come back, but unfortunately I fell asleep. I woke up at 1am and wanted to check if they had returned safely. So I knocke...

Hello this happened yesterday. I have pretty bad allergies. If I don’t get on it right away as soon as I feel a sniffle t can turn into feeling like I have a cold. Sore throat, earaches, headaches, clogged up nose you the whole nine yards. Anyways this week my nose has been stopped up and blowing it a lot but I didn’t take anything for it because I get tired of sticking stuff up my nose. I was sleeping on the couch in the living room and I walked over to the table to grab some tissues to blow me nose. When I did that I lost balance and everything started going black. I felt myself falling I was screaming at my brain to fix itself. Next thing I know I’m on the floor mom is screaming wtf is going on because she heard a loud bang and sees me on the floor. I get up still disoriented not sure what’s going on and feel like I’m about to pass out again so I lay down on the floor and see this big ass hole in the wall. Sis takes me to urgent care they don’t say I have a concussion or anythi...

Okay so this happened about 5 hours ago, I cannot stop laughing still out of a state of fear and panic. I sell content online. Tonight I thought would be fun to do my makeup all nice put on a sexy outfit and film some content. I get out my favourite lingerie, tidy up my room and get some toys that I haven't used in a long time, including a small buttplug I own that has metal handcuffs that connect to a hook part that pokes out. I start filming said video, handcuff my hands behind my back and proceed to put my buttplug in, do some more fun stuff when I attempt to act sexy while I pull it out. I grab the hook of the plug and give it a yank when suddenly I feel the tension leave, finally I can move my arms further away from my ass, it feels lighter then usual I pause as I notice I can still feel something in my butt. It's broken and stuck inside me. Oh god. I've snapped the hook off, I struggle in a quick attempt to get these handcuffs off before the small metal object f...

So I have an absolutely hilarious story that happened to me last night. So I finish work, I have a shower and dinner. After dinner I open the fridge and see some brownies and I eat a heap as a snack and go lay in bed. So I'm just chilling in bed and I start to feel a bit weird. And I'm like what the fuck? Something is definitely happening to me. Something is feeling a bit off. Am I getting food poisoning?....nah. Am I about to be sick?...nah. Am I having a fucking a stroke? a fucking aneurysm? So I sit up and at this stage I'm like, I definitely am not feeling normal. I start going through what I did today, what I ate today, I remember I had some grease on my hands when I ate lunch? Was it from that? Did I accidentally eat something I shouldn't of? Then it hits me! I'm like the fucking brownies. I start doing the math, it's like 45 minutes after I ate them that's about how long it it takes to...Shit! they were not normal brownies! Then I'm like oh sh...

I kinda love bacon. Last night I made bacon, simple enough, and then I fried up delish burger patties in the bacon renderings. Yummers. Things got splattery and I hear that sound you all know, that sudden sharp POP. I flinched turned slightly and squinted all in the span of .015 seconds. By some miracle the projectile of hot bacon fat, going approximately 1 billion miles an hour, missed my precious seeing organs. My eye balls were safe, it hit my eyebrow instead. No big deal, a slight stinging wiped away with a cool towel. I carefully turn down the heat to lessen the splatter and move on with the delicious meal. Consume delicious meal and don't think about the burning bacon fat splatter again. Until... This morning. Do the usual morning bathing, apply moisturizer, do my usual eyebrow groom and then I see it. A big ol chunk of my brow is just... Gone. No hair, bright white, smooth and shiny skin glowing in it's place. Since the previous night's bacon fat dance was not foref...

Prelude: my mother is an amazing person and has always gone above and beyond as a mom and I can't thank her enough for all that she has done in my life, secondly I'm on mobile and my spelling is sub par at best. Now let's get on with it. My state is having record temperature heat spikes for the past 3 days or so. It has been a fairly consistent 115 degrees Fahrenheit or 41 degrees Celsius for my out of country readers. For all three days my activities have all been out doors, rafting in the sun all day, working in a field moving dirt in wheelbarrows, that sort of labor that is absolutely back breaking in this temperature. So on the third and last day of this heat spike my mom asked me to mow my and my neighbor's lawn (I take care of his property because tight knit neighborhood) all in all it's about 3 lots of grass to mow. I did it while it was 100 degrees 37 degrees Celsius while I had a huge sunburn on my shoulders and my lips so sunburnt they have giant swollen...

This happened yesterday. My mother in law took my wife and I out for a meal yesterday to a restaurant that we frequent. As we were waiting for our main meals to arrive, my wife and MIL were talking about something unrelated to me so I got my phone out and decided to take a look at the front page of reddit. As I was scrolling, a post from /r/unexpected caught my eye. I clicked on it, completely missing the nsfw tag. The post started out as an adult putting a kid in what looked at the time like a coffin, but turned out to be a soundproof box. Apparently this was a clip from a tv show so that sort of explains what happens next, but not really because what the actual fuck. Suddenly, there are 8 people having an orgy in the video, in the same room as the coffin box. My natural instinct is to immediately turn down the sound which ironically activates the sound (at full volume) and this almighty classic porn moan emanates from my phone. My fingers flail around as I try and stop this situ...

This was before the pandemic so more then a year. I had a crush on this girl she is everything i hoped and dreamed in a girl. She's smart beautiful, and funny. she made me believe in love for a while. The first time we met is our first year in college but I never had the courage nor the chance to talk to her cause of my anxiety also I thought she never knew that I exist. Then I found out that we have some friends in commune they told me about her and about a social club she was attending to. So I tried to join that club which was hell for me, I'm not a very social person also I'm tall and I have a resting bitch face, people often tell me that I look intimidating. But It was worth it I got to hang out with her and to know her better, to find out that we shared a lot of interests. similar taste in music , same interests in art and so. But as a wise girl one said " Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do, doesn't mean she's your soul mate. " - ...

I am lactose intolerant, but with lactose pills I end up constipated instead of gassy and with the runs. I had way too much ice cream last night and was the most constipated I’ve ever been this morning. I was scared I’d have to go to the hospital or something. It was an intense battle that left me naked, sweating, and trembling. After a half hour of struggling I got desperate and sacrificed a finger to dislodge the obstruction. I was left with not much but a poppy finger to show for it. I had to stand up and suck up my progress so I could take a break, wash my hands and take a shower. I even tried using my bidets enema jet function to no avail. Finally after an hour and a monumental effort I got relief. But no matter how much I wash and scrub my hand with soap and hot water my fingernail still has a faint poop smell on it. Tl;dr I ate too much ice cream and now my finger smells like shit.

Yes, it happened today. My kitten is living in our master bedroom and comes out for supervised play with our bigger cat, but he is too aggressive with her, so I spend a lot of time with her in the large master bedroom area. She is still pretty small and can't fight back yet. A few nights ago, while I was out of town for work, my husband fed her tuna for the first time and she loved it. Ate an assload. Then later, around 3am, he heard a farting sound - she sprayed an assload of loose shit under the bed. He did his best to clean it in his deliriously tired state and when I came back home, there was no smell so I assumed the issue was solved. We then entered the worst heat wave my state has ever seen and just spent 2 days sweltering and biding our time, waiting for cooler weather. Occasionally, I would catch a little whiff of poo. Nothing bad, just made me think she had a little poop on her butt or something. But every time I checked, her butt was clean. I then thought to myself,...

This happened between yesterday and today. I borrowed money from a friend about a week ago and wanted to give it back to him as a surprise, so I went to our chat and searched for his account number, found it and sent it to him. I owed him 60 dollars but me being the funny person that I am 😑 decided to send him 69.69 Well... I receive the confirmation mail and see a different name, not my friend's so I check back in the mail and noticed that I hadn't sent the money to my friend but to a different person. I panic a little and find the name in our conversation, it was his landlord, about a year ago he had borrowed money from me (to pay his landlord) and that's why he had sent me the account number. Well, I ask for his landlord's phone number to tell her everything and to ask if she could please send the money back, this was yesterday. Checked in the morning and didn't get any reply, I try to call her and her phone is off... I search for her name... And find a po...

I'm 21M and my female friend is my roommate, let's call her Anne. We've been living togehter for about 6 months. Because of covid, she didn't find an apartment so I offered her to stay with me. It's just temporary and she's going to move out in a few months. I met a girl, and asked her out on a date, we had alot in common. A few weeks later, she told me that she doesn't want to date me, since she isn't okay with me living with another girl, and she doesn't want us to be this close. I could totally understand this but I've known Anne since I was 4 years old, it's not like I'm going to cut off this friendship because of a relationship. I told her that Anne was moving out in 3 months. But she still insisted that we're too close to eachother. So last evening we talked again and she told me that she's still insecure about this situation. I reassured her that, nothing is happening between me and Anne. Later on that evening we had sex a...

This actually happened just minutes ago. I'm a civil engineer at a construction company, and I'm still pretty green. This is my first civil engineering job and my first time working with Civil 3D. I've used AutoCAD for years, but never Civil 3D. I'm learning a lot and getting pretty good at it...or so I thought. I was doing grading for a 20-acre construction site. I was essentially trying to design a pond. Seems simple enough. I was almost done with the grading when I noticed that one of my feature lines was in the wrong site. No big deal, Civil 3D has the option to move feature lines to a new site. So I did that. From here you'll have to excuse my lack of programming knowledge. This is speculation, but I think I created a memory leak by creating circular logic within the CAD drawing. Opening the file would cause my computer to use more and more RAM until it hit 100% and crashed Windows. I tried it a second time to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and it crashed ...

This was not tonight, but a few years ago when I had just started working for a start up. It was my first job which involved a lot of traveling (which I loved doing) as I was doing business development. My boss (co-founder of the company) and I travelled together quite a few times when I was a bit inexperienced which helped us bond and grow the company together. From a personal perspective, I just had came out of a depression phase and was just playing the field in terms of experiences and women (as I literally felt Iike I had nothing to lose and I genuinely felt gratitude that I was still breathing) I spent my salary on dates, hotels, being with multiple women and just spending almost all of my money on experiences rather than saving up (I was always honest on what I wanted with the women from the start btw) So the start up went on for a couple of years. We had grown, not exponentially but healthily and looked strong for a few quarters but I personally felt like I was going anywher...

This happened this morning while I was getting ready to go out. A little background: my mother is a HUGE plant lady and there’s a bunch of plants in our bathroom, some of which are attached to the wall via command strips and the rest are on the window sill. I was running a bath, so I was naked and I stepped away to go back in my room to get some underwear and I heard something crash. Confused, I went back into the bathroom to see what the hell happened (I thought maybe it was my cats knocking something down). I saw that there was a cracked pot and soil all over the floor and bathroom because one of her plants had fallen, but I couldn’t figure out how the hell that happened because I wasn’t in the room and neither were my cats. Poltergeists, maybe? Anyway, I called my mom a couple times to let her know what happened but she didn’t answer. I cleaned up the mess with the dust pan and she ended up calling back. I managed to figure out that one of the command strips got loose which is why ...

This morning I was scrolling down TikTok as I usually do while having my coffee. Nothing unusual. I was liking videos, laughing, etc. Now, although I'm a responsible adult who has a job I have quite an absurd taste in humor, so when a video of a poorly animated character dancing over a lime green background on top of an equally poorly animated phone, with the music being a robot-like autotuned voice singing "whyyyYY do yoU call mEe without texting me first?? can't yOuu see I'm an anxious lil baby?? am I overreacting? mAAybe but ring ring without previous notice stresses me out" I thought it was hilarious and perfect to share on my Instagram stories. My only followers are my friends who are used to seeing me uploading weird stuff, and most of the time they find it funny too, so there was no problem, so I shared it and went on with my day. This was in the morning, and the rest of my day was quite busy with having to clean around the house, cook lunch, and work, so...

This happened this weekend culminating in today. Throw away because I'm deeply embarrassed but I know i messed up and I need to tell the internet and he's on reddit somewhere. Back around March or April, I met this guy on a dating app. We really hit it off, talked all the time, had an amazing first date. Second date I somehow ended up having lunch with him and his parents. Third date he asked me to be exclusive. This was all going a little fast so I said no to that. Plus I was confused because after the second date he didn't talk to me as much but after the third, he all but fell off the face of the earth. After the third date, when we got together, he would still mention being exclusive even though he barely spoke to me. I eventually tried to talk to him about it but he said, "I just can't give you what you want right now." After that conversation I ended things. About a month or so ago, I booty called him, he says it's not a good idea and tries to res...

So my boyfriend and I planned our first overnight trip after a year. We decided to order Chinese food for dinner. Mistakenly ordered too much that we were too full to even do anything after. I was okay for most part and even slept nicely, unlike my boyfriend who was too full. However, at 3 in the morning, I suddenly woke up feeling too cold and an uncomfortable pain in my stomach. I decided to go to the washroom and do my business. The problem was the bathroom is not that far from our bed. It is also not that great with soundproofing. I was very worried that I would wake him up so I decided to put down the toilet cover as I thought it would cover the noise. I went back to bed and sleep. We went home that same day and I even hang out in his place before he drops me off home. That's when he told me that when he woke up, the first thing he saw was my dump still in the toilet. He was also aware I went to the bathroom. So my effort of trying to be quiet was a fail. Thankfully, he was...

Four years ago I decided to start working on my health by exercising more and improving my diet. One of the things that I starting doing was cooking a large breakfast every morning (eggs, quinoa with blueberries, bread, potatoes). To drink, I mix one part cranberry juice with two parts water (it taste better to me if its watered down and cranberry juice is expensive so I save money by mixing it with water). I've also been meal prepping for the last three years, partly because it saves money and time, and partly because I'm a vegetarian and meal prepping makes it easy to obtain proper nutrition on a plant based diet. Ive noticed in the last year that my stomach has become very sensitive to certain foods. For example, I've recently had to cut tomatoes from my diet because the acid has become too much for my stomach to handle. I also started taking a daily probiotic about six months ago which I think has helped a lot. So the other day I was meal prepping this bean salad wit...

I moved into a sketchy apartment in NY a few yrs ago. The bedroom was on the 2nd floor so that’s where I spent most of my time. One day, while I was on my computer, i heard a loud crash and thumping from downstairs. The stairwell lights flicked on. It sounded like someone was coming up the stairs. I instantly accepted that i was either about to die or get kidnapped. Turns out, one of the two nails I used to hang a heavy painting gave out, causing the painting to swing downward and flip the stairwell light-switch on, and kept scraping against the wall as it swing back and forth. It made the noise of heavy footsteps coming up a staircase. Pretty sure it took a few minutes off my life. In the same week, my shower mirror fell and hit the tub with a loud ‘bang’ at like 3am. The bathroom was right next to my bedroom. In my panic I managed to let out what was probably the least intimidating and shrill voice imaginable, i yelled “wtf do you want” into the darkness. TL;DR i thought someone ...

So this did actually happen today. My SO (F) is currently preparing to take the Bar Exam in July and was required to perform a practice exam to make sure the computer she’s taking the test on would operate the software properly. When she started the practice test she was unaware that both camera and microphone would be on until it had already begun and that the recording would be shared with the Bar Examining people. I (M) came home from work while she was mid-test and I thought she was just studying so I didn’t bother her. She didn’t want to turn and tell me she’s being recorded (I guess she had to treat it like the real thing and not speak to me) and was hoping I wouldn’t do anything ridiculous while she was in the middle of the test. So I of course begin doing some typical tasks for when I get home, play with my dog, rub his belly, wash dishes, make tons of other noise. But of course today was a hot, sweaty, moist day, and boy was I feeling it between my legs. I mean my junk mig...

We were lying in bed before we were about to go to sleep and we were scrolling through my old photos on my phone that I haven’t seen in years. Most of them were cute photos of me at uni a few years ago. Then almost out of nowhere a graphic nude of my ex comes up that I totally forgot existed which my boyfriend sees before I could scroll past. Since seeing it he has been extremely quiet and doesn’t really want to have anything to do with me. This definitely wasn’t my finest moment and I feel really bad, the photo was pretty grim and if I’d known I still had it I definitely would have deleted it. My question is how bad is the damage that I’ve done? Is this something which will be forgotten about in an hour or so or is it a slightly bigger problem. TLDR; forgotten nude of ex comes up when going through old photos with my current boyfriend.

This happened a week ago yesterday, now that things are a bit more healed I feel like I can finally share the trauma. It is important to the context of this TIFU to know that I have been staying with my grandparents in a very tiny bungalow, my room is upstairs and lacks AC: I was laying in bed two Sundays ago, about to settle in for a little Netflix while finishing up a phone call. My laptop was to my left, my charger to my right, and my battery was admittedly low. Trying not to break the flow of conversation while lounging on my back, I reached with my right hand to the side of my bed and pulled my charging cord up and across my chest. I needed a little more slack, so in a jerking manner pulled up, and that's when things went horribly awry. It should be mentioned, it was a very warm night, so I was without pajamas, and I, prior to this moment, had had my nipples pierced for roughly six years. The cord had gotten tucked under the far left ball during my initial reach, and the t...

So this happened like less than an hour ago. Saw a crazy gorgeous redhead girl at the store when I was shopping for chicken and ice cream (weird combo but cheat days) in the ice cream aisle and I thought to say "hey I love your outfit" but she looked busy so I just grabbed my thing of ice cream and went to grab chicken. Cut to a few mins later in the longest line I've ever seen at 10:30 at night in a Walmart and she's right in front of me. queue my dumbass opening and closing my phone screen thinking of something to say Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Her: Oh my god, thank you so much! I got the shorts from Walmart and the top from Amazon Me: That's awesome! I was gonna say something when I saw you in the ice cream aisle but you looked busy. Her: Yeah I was debating on whether I wanted some ice cream but I figured if I can't even carry it to the register I probably shouldn't get it. Me: Well ice cream isn't so bad as long as you eat it in moderation...

Fantastic u/HunterxhunterFan posted this 5 months ago: https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/l21s75/tifu_dismissing_bright_red_blood_in_my_stool_for/ and he hit the nail on the head for what I have been experiencing for the past 15 months. We have the exact same symptoms. It scared the living shit out of me (literally). After the pandemic hit, I ate a lot of crap and stopped going to the gym for months because of the lockdowns. Which meant loads of biscuits (wheat/gluten) X no exercise = constipation. I had no problems before then. Now I sure do. About me: I'm 28, a woman, regularly go to the gym, don't smoke, don't drink and have Crohns disease (since 2009). Symptoms I've been having: • Constipation • Blood in stools and in the toilet bowl (both bright red and dark red) • Cramping • Bleeding anus (literally at one point it was pouring with blood after passing stool) • Misshapen stools (pencil shaped sometimes) I noticed it seemingly got worse whenever I ...

This was a few years ago. So I was working one day at the restaurant where I’m still employed. It was a particularly slow day, so I would occasionally wander back to the kitchen to exchange some texts with my correspondents. Two of those correspondents were my boyfriend at the time and my father in a separate thread. They were both responding to me at lightning speed so I was constantly going back and forth between the two, sometimes not looking at the name of the person I was texting. I was feeling pretty frisky this particular day, so I went to text my then-boyfriend, “Anal tonight?” I hit send. I looked at the name, and to my absolute horror I realized I’d made a blunder and sent the horny-in-the-moment message to my dad. My coworker up front said all he could hear from the kitchen was my voice shouting, “NOOOOOOOOO!” I knew I had to save myself. I immediately texted my dad again, this time saying, “Sorry; autocorrect. I MEANT to say, ‘Doing anything fun tonight?’” My dad ju...

Edit: this happened 20 minutes ago so I’m sitting here in disappointment When we moved to this place, the bed frame was from my old place and we figured why not save money and use it. We tried building it and the screws stopped fitting for some odd reason (?) but we were able to put it together. The bed lasted almost two months with us sleeping on it. However, it has been squeaking and moving more than usual. Anyway, me being the person who loves moving furniture every once in a while, I figured the bed would be fine if I moved it. I was able to get it halfway across the room until it all started falling. The sides came apart, the headboard and the end came apart, the wooden slats fell, the mattress got lopsided…it was a mess. So because of my stupid desire to rearrange, our one bed is now useless and we have to buy one. Will probably have to sleep on the floor today because earliest delivery is tomorrow and my car can’t fit a frame from IKEA. Tl;dr: me, an idiot, wanted to rearran...

So, just as a bit of pretext, I have colitis so my booty can be pretty rockin’, but not In the fun party kinda way. I recently started a new job and have been working remote until today, the first day in the office for training. Sure I thought, can’t be that bad. So, just after lunch, where my boss had kindly bought us all food, I felt a rumbling in my stomach, not a great sign. So I quietly get up and ask where the bathrooms are, and slink off to a small room between the two sets of offices. I placed my booty cheeks on my porcelain throne and began unleashing the most satanic, Earth shattering farts imaginable, echoing off what was now the dookie tomb, with a forceful splash, accompanied shortly before and after by more thunderous ass chanting. After my anal karaoke session, I quietly returned to my desk, and received some very odd looks from my first time coworkers. A little while later another hops up and slinks away, and I realise I can hear him humming through the wall from t...

So it should really be yesterday. And throwaway because if my brother finds out, my life won’t be worth living. I initially posted on AITA but it got taken down because relationships aren’t allowed. So, I’m a 18M. I’ve been talking to a girl I met through online gaming. She said she was 17F. We’d been talking for about a month. We’d swapped numbers, been texting and Whatsapping and even sent photos. We seemed to have a lot in common and she honestly seemed really cool. We only live about an hour away from each other. Things were going well, so we made plans to meet up at a midway point yesterday. I suggested a cafe I know; it’s quiet, but public. I know meeting someone for the first time can be daunting, particularly for a young woman. I got there first and grabbed a table. I settled down to wait. But when she turned up, it was immediately obvious that she was a hellova lot younger than she had said. She had a lot of make up on and she still wouldn’t have got into a 15 movie withou...

Alright so this actually happened today and is an ongoing issue, yay life. I got out of a six year relationship ~7 months ago and just decided to start dating again. I met my now girlfriend and the chemistry we have is incredible. But guess what? Alone time I’m like always turned on now. So I’m at the store the other day and wanted to buy some lotion like the degenerate I am to fap with. Olay shea butter to be precise. Over the next several days I’m beating this thing like it owes me money. Fast forward to today, I have a date tomorrow and my dick looks like it’s scaling up like a fish. It’s honestly disgusting and looks like a science experiment. I’ve inadvertently been masturbating with body wash that I thought was lotion for the better part of a week and now I have to explain this to a partner of less than a month tomorrow. TLDR Don’t beat off with body wash, it causes dry, calloused skin. Edit: okay don’t beat a guy when he’s down (no pun intended). I’ll invest in lube.

I was visiting Dubai from the US for about a week. Where I’m from, driving 5 or 10 mph over the speed limit is normal and accepted, to the point where there’s no risk of getting pulled over or getting a ticket as long as you’re egregiously above the speed limit (more than like 10 mph above). I thought it would be the same case here, and thus would regularly drive my rental 130 kph in 120 zones, and so on. Apparently, they have fucking cameras on the highway here and have managed to catch every instance of my speeding “under 20 kph above the posted limit” (as it says on the fine). On top of my rental, I have to now pay the equivalent of $1200 US in speeding fines. TL;DR: IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE DRIVING NORMS FOR A FOREIGN COUNTRY, DON’T ASSUME SHIT. YOU WILL BE SCREWED OVER.

( ಠ╭╮ಠ) I (35M) have been dating my gf (34F) for 3ish years. Absolutely love her. We’ve been talking about finally ‘growing up’, and after three years together - we’re pooling our life’s savings and buying a little house, getting a pup etc . A while back I also decided to propose to her. I’ve been planning an engagement surprise for the last two months. A casual surprise trip, ring, hidden photographer for the candid moment - all the things. A few days ago, she tells me she’s pregnant. Totally unplanned. My mind is blown. Stunned. I’m excited - we celebrate - and panic a little ( what now??- we’re totally unprepared!) That night, thoughts are flying at a million miles an hour: “can I even be a dad??” “what’s the next step- do I need to prepare things??” “can we raise a baby in the city?” “can we find a bigger place in time?” “what does this mean for the proposal? with PTO allowance that’s a few months away still!” “can I even afford this proposal anymore?” “how important ...

I’m (15m) have been talking to this really nice person we will call him E, he is 12 and he downloaded discord the other day so we could chat and just talk instead of waiting on fortnite for him to get on. So today we were just in a discord call playing some Minecraft when I hear his mom walk in and say “Who is that?” I didn’t hear much just little bits like “Is he the South African kid?” and “how are you talking to him?”. He then muted himself and I hung up. I didn’t wanna get anyone in trouble or anything so I just typed “sorry if I offended anyone” I joined back because he said I didn’t and he then asked “Can my mom speak to you?” Of course I said yes because I didn’t wanna seem sus. She is a very nice person, scary but nice. I basically just told her what discord is how to setup parental things and how to block and report, told her I am a 16yr old male, and I definitely don’t have any ill intentions towards her son, that’s the fuck up right? No. She got off the phone and and E...

I was "handling my business" (and oh business was good) one day and performed the "courtesy flush." My gf's bowl is pretty small so it wasn't uncommon for me to feel some water hitting my "frontal area" when I flushed it. So I flushed and water cascaded over my dick...and then it engulfed by balls...and then my ass cheeks...and then my asshole. Before I knew it, my turds were trying to swim back up my ass, and I was floating in my own piss and shit as the toilet was overflowing while I was sitting on it. I could only imagine I had a look of concern on my face as I try and figure out how I'm going to plunge the toilet, covered in shit and piss, with my pants around my ankles, hovering over the commode like an umpire calling the World Series, without getting said shit and piss all over the bathroom and my clean clothes. I managed to fish the plunger between my legs and plunge it like an Amish woman churning butter until the water subsided. But I...

I'll start off my saying that this all began twelve days ago. My partner and I had booked a five day getaway to a train carriage, at the top of a deserted mountain in Wales. It wasn't hooked up to the electricity grid, and all its power was generated from the force of a nearby waterfall. It's a slice of paradise with the most beautiful views of the valleys and forests below, and the most pitch black twinkling night skies. On our second day, we enjoyed the freedom of being away from civilization. We spent the whole morning and afternoon, sunbathing naked atop the mountain. I'd never quite felt anything like it in my life. I felt truly at peace. I spotted some friendly looking goats just beyond some thick bushes at the side of the carriage. I threw on some shorts and trainers, and followed a path round in their direction where I found the gate to their field. They were incredibly friendly and cuddly and enjoyed having their ears scratched. Unfortunately, I didn't...

This story is even too embarassing for me to share idk. I'm 17m and have been friends with this girl for about 5 years. We always tell eachother everything, and lately she's been feeling really down. So I decided to make her a picnic in the vineyards. It was a really nice area. It was a suprise for her, she didn't know about it and got really excited once we were there. After eating, we started talking about her problems,and she started sobbing, she has pretty bad mental health problems. I was just standing there and didn't know what to do. So I gave her a hug, she hugged me back so hard as If she wanted to snatch my soul she didn't let go. We were hugging for like 5 minutes and I felt something moving down there. It wasn't necessarily because I was horny. It just casually happens. If I'm honest It has happened alot when she's for example over at my place. And she sees it everytime but doesn't say anything. This makes it more akward. I was wearing j...

I'm on medications that make me go a lot. Midway through our road trip I had to go to the bathroom, like spicy Thai food level. I turn on my blinker to get in the right lane so I can get off at the rest stop but the car in the other lane quickly sped up so I missed the rest stop area. If only they knew what I was brewing. 15 miles to the next rest stop I feel the devil boiling in my stomach. I didn't have time. I fucking shit my pants going 65 down the freeway and sat it in for the next 10 miles. Luckily I had some extra clothes since we were taking a trip, but I had to waddle my stinky ass into the rest stop bathroom, throw away my old underwear, pants and change into something fresh. You would not believe the looks I was getting while smelling like a porta potty. My wife spent the next 6 hours calling me Poopy Pants Chanse. FML. TL;DR I missed the rest stop and shit my pants on the freeway.

So this happened yesterday. I (26F) met a guy on tinder a few months ago? Or maybe even a year ago? I don’t remember but we been texting a long time. (not all the time) but here and there. We always made plans to go out but it always falls through. But yesterday we finally met! I already knew how he looked because we met up once during the fall but it was briefly because I was at a bar with friends and he lived a few places down and he came and said hi and that was that. So he lives in these nice apartments where I say the room floor and the workers will dial there apartment. Well I said the wrong floor and she looked at me confused? And said can you give me the name of person you are seeing .. I said uhhh.. hold on.. I was trying to scroll up from our previous messages but it was way too long. She then said “M’am I am going to ask you to leave I think you got the wrong building” I said no it’s here i just got off the phone with him” and she said “okay well what’s his name” I said giv...

So, my phone was stolen and instead of sympathy from my loved ones they blame me for it. I have been throwing up since then, because of stress I guess. Their words, It just hurt me idk why. I didn't want it to happen either, why do they have to blame me for it. I can't get out of my head. My head is throbbing really bad and I've been throwing up non-stop, even if I want to stop,I can't stop. My throat is hurting also because of me throwing up. I feel so weak. I don't know why I'm like this, is it because of lost phone, or from the blame that I've received? I can't tell them either that I'm suffering, because I'm afraid that they might say hurtful words again. Also, what can you guys advice to stop the throwing up? TL;DR I feel so stressed out...

This happened 20 mins ago. TLDR AT THE BOTTOM. Please comment with your opinion I had a delightful brunch with my family and then skated to my appartment. Before going in the house I'm practicing nollies aka skateboard tricks outside the front door for less than 2 minutes. A "Karen" comes out and tells me that finally she's caught me. According to her: She and a few more eyewitness (neighbours) saw me and my skating buddy (male allegedly) breaking cars outside the house (where we were standing; in a parking lot) and placing filthy disgusting napkins into my neighbours mailboxes and placed them on dozens of cars. According to her (who was about to call the police) I was finally caught and me and my buddy would go to prison for a long long time. I'm in law school. A false conviction due to eyewitness statements would nuke my life and future life choices completely. My life, as I know/knew it, would be over. So my heart rate is jacked and I explain that I only ...

I was cleaning my 6y.o. son’s room, and doing my annual purge of crap he’s managed to hoard. I have this big pile of stuff to throw out in the living room, when he comes in, pulls some stupid paper butterfly out of the trash pile and tells me I can’t throw this away because it was a present. He goes to a lot of birthday parties and gets a lot of goodie bags with this sort of thing, so I tell him it’s junk and it’s going in the trash. Besides, it’s all bent up and I tell him (like a douche-dad) that if he values things he should take care of them. He leaves, and some 5 minutes later he returns, visibly distraught (he’s clearly been thinking hard about this). He says “It was a present…for you.” “For father’s day.” I swear at that moment I heard every angel in heaven slow clapping. TL;DR

During puberty, the body goes through many changes as a boy becomes a man. The voice deepens, musculature increases, genitals grow and gain hair, a beard and moustache come in, and the feet develop a hard, protective crust. All natural physical development. Or so I had assumed until this weekend, when our "pod" got together at the beach for a little summer fun. I've always enjoyed walking barefoot on the beach, as the gritty sand tends to wear down the thicker callouses and slough off shedding skin layers. Sometimes I would even use a pumice stone to sand them down thinner so that they wouldn't tear up socks as badly as when left natural. Now, I've never really paid attention to feet, never really looked at them closely or had a fetish for them like you hear about, so even with partners playing with their feet just wasn't something I ever did. I've seen women's feet in movies like the toes scene in The Big Lebowski, but assumed women just have s...

Hello! SO today I went for my vaccine. I'm usually pretty good during anything medical. For some reason, the second the needle entered my arm, a torrent of liquid shit departed my bung hole and flooded the chair, which then began to drip down onto the floor of the basketball court the vaccination center was located in. Even worse, around 100 others were being jabbed at the same time, and the protein stench filled the room like someone was BBQing old meat. I was helped up and taken to a bathroom, which meant about another 200 people saw me with my brown stain gracing my rear bum part. They must have thought I'd fallen in terrible mud. What a day, that I'll never forget. This isn't a long or incredibly witty TIFU, but it's a true one. TL;DR - I shat myself a liquid squirt, while getting my vaccine.

Okay some backstory; for whatever reason, I HATE cutting my toenails. I have traumatic memories of my parents holding me down while I squirm around like a seal covered in oil, almost crying because I simply refuse them to cut my toenails. They gave up and let me become the goblin I was inside all the time. Fast forward and this resulted in a semi functioning adult who, instead of cutting her nails, rips them off when they get too long. (yes, it's gross but now as gross at it sounds.. but I'm starting to doubt it now) I usually do this on the couch, watching netflix or whatever is interesting enough to kinda keep my attention. I also have breakfast on the couch, and my bright red breakfast plate was the perfect victim to carrying my fallen toe "clippings". I didn't think much about it, I've done this for years, but here's when I fucked up; I decided to have another sandwich. When it was done, I sat down and started eating until.. I felt something hard,...