greenmangostudio

Happened today. My SO(33M) and I (25F) got a dog a few months back, dog previously lived with SO's aunt. She told us he was aggressive with other dogs, but he seemed golden with humans- letting strangers stroke him, super polite and well behaved at the vet... Other than the dog hatred, he growls. He growls when I pet him sometimes, then growls louder when I stop petting him and moves closer to me for "more pets". Or he'll lie on my feet and growl. For pets? Sometimes he growls while being pet, but it sounded like pleasure growling, if that makes sense? And most of the time after I pet him for a moment he's like "that's nice" and goes quiet, or softly "pleasure growls". Today I was ruffling his face/neck when he started growling. I playfully growled back at him and stopped petting him. He pushed his face closer to me as if asking for more pets. I pet him. He lunged at me. He bit my face and I'm typing this in the hospital, post surg...

A few bits of context: Girlfriend and I are both interested in having a baby. We talk about it a lot. She said she wants to wait a year because she just got a promotion and doesn't want to immediately go on maternity leave. I'm ready now, but I'm a fairly patient guy so I was fine with waiting. We are an extremely sarcastic couple. Girlfriend is very sexually.....liberated. She's bisexual and sometimes she jokes about wanting to put things in my butt. I laugh it off but have no interest in doing anything involving anyone's butthole. Earlier today she joked about wanting to put a dildo in my ass, I jokingly replied "maybe if it's a double sided dildo and we go ass to ass". She was very intrigued by that statement. I was obviously joking and she knew that, but she wanted to tease me with it. She said "if that happened I would have your child right now".. My dumbass JOKINGLY said "Deal" Now she's dangling this over m...

This happened last night I’m still freaking out, and I worry that dire consequences still await me. So, last night I was high, and I stupidly decided to pinch a foam ear plug down real tight and push it down my shaft. I guess I thought it would expand a little and feel pretty good. So wrong!! This thing expanded way too much, and stretched me in a way that I would not wish upon anyone. I immediately yoinked it out, at which point I was faced with an unbearable friction… and I fear that irreparable damage has been done. Yes, before you ask, there was some blood. But it was like, just a little? I feel like it might be ok? What’s the game plan here, Reddit? Just ignore it and hope for the best? I feel ok, for the most part, but my pee stream was notably wider and less streamlined this morning… so that’s concerning. Have I been permanently stretched? Am I destined now to wander this earth with a loosened urethra? Fuck… I just wish I could somehow go back in time and not have stuck t...

TIFU by forgetting the baby monitor was on. Maybe. I dunno. I have a camera baby monitor set up in my bedroom for when my kid naps during the day (we cosleep). Currently, my fiance is away for work. I've been single parenting and physically/sexually frustrated while they're away, so when my mother came to visit, I decided to take advantage of this and take care of my shit (and pretend to nap). I left the kids with her in the living room downstairs, had a bath, turned on some music, locked the bedroom door and went to town on myself. This was fairly quiet, cause I'm not an animal. That being said, after some time and the potential noisier parts or embarrassing mannerisms.... I realized that I had left the baby monitor on. Or at least I don't remember turning it off. This monitor turns on automatically when it is plugged in, so you physically have to shut it down. I totally panicked and ripped the camera out of the wall. When I went downstairs, the monitor was shut down...

I had to drop off a package at the post office. It’s inside a government building that requires you to go through a metal detector. As I pass through the metal detector, it goes off so the security guard checks me with the metal detector wand. Before scanning my body he asks if I’ve had any surgeries. Not thinking anything of it, I quickly respond, “no.” The wand keeps going off. Then, I remember that it’s because I put in a stainless steel butt plug 😳 so he keeps moving the wand over my mini skirt and I'm contemplating if I should just tell him. I consider typing on my phone “I’m so sorry. This is so awkward but I am wearing a butt plug.” He’s super confused, “this is so weird. What’s going on?” He tells the other security guard; they’re both confused now. Finally, I decide to ask "I just had to swing by the post office. Would you mind just dropping off this box for me?" (It’s not that weird of a request because it was ~100 feet away and the box successfully made it th...

So this happend today, and yesterday, and the day before that. It's been happening for 2 months give or take a few days. I've been having troubles with my gaming laptop suddenly going black (screen). It's been annoying as hell when I'm playing CSGO or other competitive games, when suddenly I can't see anything for a few seconds. After a while, I noticed that the screen would turn back on if I removed my left palm from the palmrest for a few seconds. This in turn made me think it was a bad connection in there, which got disconnected when I layed some preassure on the palm rest. Tried to google to see of anybody had similiar problems, nothing. Fast forward to today, been playing and getting used to being mildy infuriated when my screen turns black. But today I got the idea of trying to google again. Watched a video on how to dissasemble the laptop to see if there is any relevant connections in there. While watching I was pushing down on the palm rest with my fist,...

TIFU by saying I love you to another woman Obligatory this happened today so it’s still fresh, 20 minutes ago fresh so I’m still as red as a tomato. I’m at work and I’m talking to my fiancée over the phone. It’s quiet and she’s bored at home and just wants a chat. My work phone starts ringing and I need to answer it, it’s another depot. I tell my fiancée I’ve got to go my phone’s ringing and she says “Okay” and the phone cuts off. I pause for a moment, she never hangs up without saying I love you. I think maybe she pressed the button a bit too fast or something. I pick up the work phone... ”I love you.” There’s a pause for a moment, in reality it probably was only a second maybe not even that but to me it felt like the longest second of my life , my mind racing trying to think of what to say next, I had nothing. “Erm, shit. No I meant hello. I was talking to my fiancée and I meant to say that to her” An eruption of laughter bellows from the handset... ...turns out she has ...

I played Mario Party Superstars with some friends tonight and we got the Tug of War mini-game. If you’ve never played this game, you need to spin the joystick as fast as you can to beat the enemy (1 vs 3). When you get to the practice screen, there’s a warning telling you not to rotate the joystick with the palm of your hand. I, knowing that this was the most efficient way of playing, ignored the warning and used my palm the same way I did back in the early 2000s. After a couple of seconds of intense spinning, my hand was burning quite a lot but I kept going because I wasn’t gonna lose. When it ended (in a draw btw), I discovered the damage. I had ripped a good chunk of skin by spinning as hard as I could and ignoring the warning. Pictures of the damage . Turns out, Nintendo knows their shit. TLDR: Burned my hand by spinning a joystick while playing Mario Party.

This happened last weekend. I have a habit when in a relationship to try to do small acts of kindness for my partner that will help ease their day. This could be grabbing a coffee for them while they're working or making breakfast for them before they wake up. For the sake of this story we're going to focus on my old habit when traveling to always pack an extra toothbrush for my girlfriend. It started in 2016 when my ex, who I had been dating for some time, had repeatedly forgotten to pack a toothbrush. One weekend we had planned a trip out of town and while packing my toiletry bag I noticed I had an extra toothbrush at home so I packed it for her. She ended up using it on the trip, then left it at my apartment until she eventually brought her own, and I eventually just left the old toothbrush in my toiletry bag in case we went on another trip together. We didn't and broke up not long after and I forgot about the toothbrush. In 2017 I'm dating someone new and we...

Hope this story is okay for this sub. So me and my now ex girlfriend we’re together for over 2 and a half years. We currently live together in a 1 bredroom and have decided to break up. We are moving out in a week and a half. However we have both have kind of been pretending like this isn’t happening as we don’t want things to be awkward while living together. Well today when I got home from work, she was clearly in a mood where she wanted to sleep with me and so was I. We ended up having sex, which felt great (in the moment of course) but once we finished we both completely broke down and realized what a mistake it was. We realized how much harder this breakup is going to be after the fact. The breakup is mutual and in the long term we both feel this is best choice for our happiness. However it wasn’t until after we slept together that we realized how awful this is going to be. (Side note: she’s moving across the country). TL:DR: slept with my ex that I currently live with, realized...

So my cat had kittens, and after 2 weeks of their birth i came to check out them as usual. They were in our yard shed, like an old wooden construction with bunch of things crowded. I came in and started playing with them, they were meowing, and I was recording them. After I finished the recording I just put my phone in my pocket and continued to play with them. I started hearing one more kitten somewhere, but I couldn't find it. I started wandering around shed, checked under the old bed, some old machines, under the tools, like everywhere. I even touched their faeces by accident while going through with my hand under the bed. And after an hour I gave up just to realize that my phone didn't turn off as i put it in the pocket, and the video of the kittens meowing was on repeat the whole time. And as I was moving, sound was moving too, it was so confusing. I thought they were somewhere near the wall, I come from the other side to check then the sound just move to another place an...

So, I got a tattoo today. I’ve gotten 5 others from this artist, and they’re gorgeous. I’ve always loved them. However, today the printer was broken, meaning they couldn’t stencil me. Well, the tattoo turned out looking like shit. Absolutely terrible. I cried when I saw it. In a panic, I frantically called another tattoo parlor then called them, asking for a coverup. I’d never been to this parlor before - I was having a panic attack. Well…turns out my parlor goes by a different name too. I accidentally called my tattoo artist freaking out about the terrible tattoo he gave me. He just responded saying “you know this is me, right!” Guess I gotta find a new artist. Yay. I’m terribly embarrassed. Explains why the guy on the phone froze when I said my name and kinda softly mumbled “okay.” Agh. TL;DR: accidentally texted my tattoo artist about how shitty his work was while trying to get it covered up by a different artist Edit: the horrible tattoo in question is here And here’s the de...

Not my regular account for legal reasons. This FU has been years in the making and the full implications only recently came to light. So, in case you can't guess from the title, I'm divorced. What's more, I'm divorced in an area where fathers rarely win custody battles. During the divorce I took this into account and, while there's little doubt either from me or from anyone who knows both my ex and me that I'm the better parent I decided that it was best not to put my kids through the stress of a custody fight that I'd probably end up losing anyway. That was the FU. Could I have won? Possibly. I could have brought in a parade of people to say I was the better parent. Friends, teachers, scout leaders, you name it. Some of the people offering to testify for me didn't even like me. That should probably have been a clue. There were even a few incidents of her bad parenting where the police got involved, but they never threatened to take the kids or anyth...

TL;DR: tried to go down on my wife and she farted in my face, then proceeded to laugh at me and pee on the bed. My wife and I just moved into our new apartment. Our sex life has been pretty great since we moved in but she was feeling left out in the downstairs region. She has a hard time finishing with out clitoral stimulation and always felt like I would get bored during the time it took her to usually finish herself off. I figured I'd spice it up and bring out the vibrator to help speed things up. I get in position and she plops into bed and says "heads up I'm going to fart". With no hesitation my wife rips ass right into my face. It was a short burst. Then she proceeds to laugh at me so hard that she pisses herself. So not only do I get pink eye. I also have to clean up involuntary water sports.

I'd heard that taking viagra (if you don't suffer from ED) makes you harder and go longer, and given that you can buy it without prescription I bought some in preparation for a night alone with my girlfriend. We were going out for a meal and I'd imagined that afterwards we'd head straight back to the bedroom, so I took a tablet just before we set off as it takes an hour or so to kick in. Well, more like half an hour - soon after I could feel tingling in my dick as we sat in the restaurant and I was amazed that it seemed to be able to get things moving in exactly the right place. All was fine until we got to desserts and my girlfriend started stroking her foot up and down my leg under the table and I couldn't stop thinking about doing her there and then. That's when I got hard - super hard! This would have been fine in the bedroom, but not in a restaurant! My dick was pushing against my pants and it actually started to feel painful. I tried to think of things...

I was having dinner with my parents and brother. We were having a good time and enjoying the food when I randomly remembered the ball and bat riddle . I thought it would be a fun, easy enough brain teaser and proceeded to tell it. They all looked at me like a deer in headlights. "10 cents" my mom says. My brother and dad chime in with "yeah 10 cents" I say they're wrong, and to really think about it. I tell them the riddle again. They're still 100% sure it can only be 10 cents. We keep on going back and forth, and things start to get more heated. I keep on telling them that it can't be 10 cents, but now they're starting to say I'm lying. I gave up and said "the answer is 5 cents", but to no avail. My dad starts going on a tangent about how it can be anything between 1 and 10 cent, meanwhile my mom is yelling at me that it's impossible for the answer to be anything other than 10 cents. I even show them a reddit thread explainin...

This did just happen this morning. To set the scene, my family lives in a pretty small, very conservative town. My older brother (and my family by extension) is pretty widely known because he’s a drug addict and is always getting into trouble, and my dad is always bailing him out. He’s finally decided to seek help and has gone to rehab. He contacted me yesterday asking for a carton of cigarettes. Per the rehab facility’s rules, I can’t drop things off for him, he has to receive them by mail. So yesterday I bought him a carton of the cigarettes he wanted. I checked the usps, ups, and fedex websites last night to see which would have it there the fastest for a reasonable price. UPS is able to get the package to him Tuesday night if I ship it this morning. Perfect, there’s a UPS on my route to work the next town over. So this morning I stop at the UPS on the way to work with my carton of cigarettes. I grabbed a large padded envelope and headed to the counter to ship my carton. The guy ...

My daughter is turning 6 and we bought a large gold 6 shaped balloon for her. We've had it for a little over a week since her party was before her actual birthday and our cats have loved chasing the string that is attached to the balloon. Since today is her actual birthday I tied the balloon to the exercise bike in living room instead of letting it float the house. Big mistake. Every morning my codependent cat Rainbow Rainbow greets me at the bedroom door and is ready to follow me for the day, but no cat this morning. I was worried and searched the house, but I couldn't find him. I woke my wife and we called for him and shook treats....finally we heard a cry from the windowsill. He was hiding being the curtains and refused to come out. At the time I didn't even figure the balloon was part of the equation since he loved playing with it before. I held Rainbow till he bolted upstairs to our bed where my wife had returned since finding him. My wife commented that he was tens...

So, on Sunday’s the restaurant I work at offers bottomless mimosas for our brunch until 4pm. Today, we were really slow so I got off early and decided to sit at the bar and partake in this bottomless deal. Of course, I wanted to make the most of it, so I had probably a few too many. I spoke to one of my friends on the phone and arranged for him and another of our friends to come over when I got home. I guess I passed out when I got home, because I woke up to several missed calls from my family, friends, and coworkers super worried about me. I guess my friends couldn’t get ahold of me while they were on the way to my house and called everywhere trying to make sure I was okay. My boss was worried sick, fortunately my sister and my boyfriend assumed I had passed out and weren’t overly worried. I woke up to my dog barking and my friends knocking on my door, they could barely breath when I finally opened the door. TLDR; made plans with friends while drinking after my shift, then fell asle...

This FU was within the last decade. so totally pertinent. I'm teaching 5th graders all of the subjects, and I'm at a school that gives us a significant amount of leeway with our instruction after state testing (this is also the Bizarro version of how much leeway we're given prior to testing). During Science we found ourselves learning about dominant and recessive genes, hitchhikers' thumb, blue eyes, you know, the typical tropes from the Recessive Gene Handbag. I have a subjectively-fascinating story about genetics, and how my first wife had light eyes (along with me), and we had two sons with light eyes, and how also my current wife and I have three brown eyed children (she's "all Italian", but doesn't know her Dad as much as she'd like to, okay well exactly as much as she'd like to). We discussed what pigment of the eyes really is/was, and the genetic information related to it being like a crapshoot. We began a project where we used dice...

Dog wanted out this morning & normally it is just for a pee got halfway round my morning route & he squats to do a shit. I realise there is no bag in the dispenser fumbled about in pockets for bit of paper or something to lift it. Manage to find a napkin so picked up holding it in a way that I could safely carry to bin. Now for the FU When I got home wife asked me if I could thaw her car out as it had frosted over & I didn't start for another 2 hours I had time to do it & let her finish getting ready. So came back in from thawing the car & sat down to play ps until it was time to log on to work laptop. Fast forward 4 hours later dog wants out. I take him out a walk & he decides to poo again so I panic as the realisation hits me I did not replenish the poo dags in the holder on the lead & I used the napkins this morning. So I am looking about the street for something to pick this up with & there is nothing. No shops near by I could buy plastic bag, ...

Standard – This did not happen today. As was often the case, I was sitting in detention. The teacher observing us briefly stepped out of the room and I decided to give my legs a stretch by wandering around the classroom. I noticed a pack of school letter headed blank paper on my teacher’s desk. It took a few seconds for my mind to comprehend the importance of such a find. It was only my friend and I sitting in the room and he alas did not realise the potential of what I had just found, I swore him to secrecy as I swooped up a few into my bag. The teacher soon came back into the room and crucially did not notice the missing paper. Over the course of the year, my dad received letters to our home from my school… A few examples: - A letter from my tutor to say how impressed he was with my much-improved behaviour in classes. - A letter from my maths teacher informing him that I had recently come first in a quiz. - A letter from my tutor informing him that a certain Friday will be a t...

So, this happened a couple of years ago, pre-pandemic. I owned a comic book and game store in a metropolitan area and I'd been there for several years. As with any place of business you get your regulars. I had two employees that worked for me, one of which was a young lady that had worked with one of my regular customers from the area. Now, this regular customer, we'll call him "Mr. M." typically came in on the weekends when I wasn't there, but every once in a while he'd come in during the week and talk with me about miniatures or comics or whatever table top game was coming out. He didn't make an impression on me one way or the other. Then one day, he stopped coming in. My female employee, we'll call her "Ms. F" told me that Mr. M. was hurt really bad at work and he had asked her to make his purchases while he was in the hospital and I didn't think much about it. Fast forward to about six months later, Mr. M comes into the store a...

To preface, I've been a Chef for YEARS. I absolutely should have known better. This I was in a hurry to prep brunch specials and de-seeded and diced a bunch of jalapeños and poblanos without gloves on. (Yes, my hands were washed) I continued to prep, and washed my hands several more times, but those were some seriously potent peppers... 30 minutes later, I used a finger to rub/scratch inside my right ear. 2 minutes later, I was desperately rinsing water into my ear in an attempt to stop the burning deep in the canal. I finally had to have my cook pour cold milk into my ear while I held my head awkwardly over a sink to stop the agony. He laughed hysterically the whole time while my servers watched in confusion and barely contained amusement. Yup. Not a scrap of dignity remains. But at least the pain stopped! TL; DR- prepped jalapeños without gloves and accidentally burned my ear canal with capsasin.

Sorry for the format and this is going to be a long one, TLDR will be at the bottom. Getting a girlfriend out of it certainly isn’t a fuck up, it’s been great. So to begin with, this happened on 27th May this year. It was a Thursday and I’d just gotten off work at 11.00am after finishing a 10 day trip, ready for a 300 mile drive home. Everything was going well this day, no hold ups with traffic etc. Around 2 hours before getting home I ring a friend of mine and see if he wants to head out on the Jetskis as soon as I get home, for those of you who don’t know what one is it’s like a motorbike but for water- fun! He agrees to meet me at the Clubhouse for around 5.30pm. So anyway I get home about 5pm and fling my suitcase in my room, say hello to my grandma briefly and then get my wetsuit, lifejacket boots etc… the only thing missing that night which would’ve made things a hell of a lot easier was my VHF Marine radio but I lost it that month in the sea… my bad. I get to the club meet my ...

So first of all for those who aren't into anime and don't know about High School DxD, it is an ecchi series. Ecchi is an often used slang term in the Japanese language for playfully sexual actions. As an adjective, it is used with the meaning of "sexy", "dirty" or "naughty"; as a verb, ecchi suru means “to have sex” or, as a noun, to describe someone of lascivious behaviour. ​ She is 24 and I'm 19, We decided to watch anime together when she came over for a party and stayed over at my place. Because we both have watched almost all the famous ones, we used a random button on an anime website and it landed on High School DxD, I wasn't aware it was an ecchi series and I didn't check tags on the description page. We barely made it to the end of 2 nd episode and then she thought I rigged it or something and wanted to watch that anime with her and she assumed I'm hitting on her or something. She just left after I turned my PC off (...

I feel like an absolute dimwit, to say the least. Me and my ex broke up in March 2019, and he started dating my then-friend (we’ll call her Sarah) in July 2019. Since I was not over the guy and was stuck in a bad home situation, I did not deal with that well and dropped contact with both of them. Fast forward to now, and I regret how things were left and I’m feeling nostalgic for the past. I message both of them and add them as a friend on Facebook. Both conversations are going well, and Sarah asks to be my friend. I accept. I ask my ex to be his friend. He accepts. Well, the conversation continues and my ex briefly mentions that they’re still in a relationship, but Sarah only says that they’re “still in touch.” I say to Sarah that if it makes her uncomfortable, I’ll stop talking to him, since she said it upset her when I messaged him. I don’t want to cause a rift and I’m not a homewrecker. She agreed, so I messaged my ex saying that I no longer wished to speak with him out of resp...

So I've had this idea for a long time of making NFTs that I could sell and that would enable the buyer to select a toy from a list that would then be donated to pediatric hospitals around the US and I finally made my first piece of artwork and was preparing to launch on the Solana Network. So after about a month of learning how to "code" and putting together a temporary website to test my server out to mint and attempt to grow a fan base, I was able to save enough money up to rent a VPS and buy a domain for the year. Things were coming together pretty smoothly and I was pretty proud of what I was able to accomplish all by myself with minimal programming/HTML knowledge and a lot of YouTube. Shortly after setting up my "Coming Soon" website with a Facebook, Instagram and Twitter link, I started getting a bunch of messages and comments on my first posts telling me that I'm a scammer and that I stole their money. I was kind of confused because I just launched ...

I ordered a neck to wrist restraint kit off amazon to use on my girlfriend. I'm super nervous about using it because I know basically nothing about BDSM stuff and have always been pretty vanilla. I had a feeling I wouldn't know how to use it on her and look like an idiot, and in the Q&A section of the product someone asked if it was possible to get out of it by yourself and another person answered that it's possible. So I decided to try it on to make sure I was doing it right and understood how to tighten the straps. I knew pretty much instantly I wasn't gonna be able to get out of it. Pulling the strap at that angle to loosen it was impossible and I struggled for about 45 minutes before yelling for my mom to help. Luckily I have a good relationship with her and we both thought it was hilarious, my mom took a while to get it off because we were both crying of laughter. But now my mom knows a bit more about my sex life than I'd like her to... TL;DR : Tried on ...

So at the bright and early time of 2:30 in the morning i got a call from my sister telling me to come pull her out because they were drifting in the snow and lost it. So i drove out there in the dark with pretty thick snow on the ground. When i got there we realised the rope i had on me wasn't gonna cut it. We went back to our neighbors to get better rope and then we went back to the car. Were in pulling the car backwards i forgot to pull the door shut wich led to it getting bent real bad and my sister is now mad at me. We are still currently trying to pull the car out wich is painful to say the least and my sister is plotting how she is gonna destroy my first car because of what i did to hers Tl;dr went to rescue my sister accidentally destroyed her car door

I always enjoyed writing, so naturally as a young teenage girl once I stumbled upon the wide, wide world of fanfiction I was INTO it for a while. Angsty romance fanfic, crossovers, full on Sci fi action stories featuring some kind of space mafia... I kind of went wild with it if you know what I mean lol. Anyway, fast forward about 7 or 8 years and I'm now married, in my twenties. I still enjoy writing but don't have the time to be so invested in a lot of the fandoms and online circles I used to be active in when I was younger. The other day I was looking for some old documentation so I logged onto my old Google drive I used to use before I changed my email address and name. Browsing through the folders I found my old stash of writing, and of course my old fanfics. I've been kind of reading them over the weekend, reminiscing over how ridiculous they are, having a bit of a laugh. This afternoon I was doing so again while waiting for laundry, and didn't bother to sign ou...

This is gonna sound might sound like a humble brag story but I know 100% that I was the dumbass here. It did end up having a good outcome but it doesn't mean I'm not an idiot. So a little earlier today, I went out (read dragged out, not religious) by my grandmother to attend church this morning. They usually hang out with their friends afterwards so we drive separately. So after it was over, I eagerly hopped into my car and drove over to Krogers for some shitty sushi cause why not. When I was driving into the parking lot, I saw a mother and her son begging on the side for money for food and rent. This is when I go up to them and say 'I don't have any cash, but there is a grocery store right there, do you need me to get you anything?' This is where the fuck-up comes in. The boy (probably like 13-14) eagerly asks if he can go into the store with me, and me, being the sensitive idiot I am agreed. I really did try to manage what was put into the cart, making sure it...

Mandatory "this happened a few years back". I've got a habit of getting lost in my own thoughts and staring off into space without realizing it. Most of the time I'll do it while at work and end up just idly scrolling while staring at the screen or something before catching myself, but this time was different. You probably know where this is going based on the title, so feel free to stop reading now. When I was about 20 or so, we went over to my aunt's place for lunch. My brothers, three cousins, grandmother and a few others were there, and my cousin had just had her first baby, so everyone was interested in chatting to her, giving her advice and asking questions and stuff. We'd had lunch and were sitting at the table. My cousin had walked to the other side of the room, sat down on the floor and started to breastfeed her kid. I was sitting there listening to my dad and brothers talking about sport, and because it wasn't a topic I was interested in, I z...

Obligatory this didn't happen today. It was a couple years ago and I've been stewing in my shame since then. Today, I'm ready to let my shame go. I am a woman and I have bladder issues (Thanks, multiple pregnancies!). I pee often. I know every single store in my area that has a public restroom because of this. I'm not at the point where I need to, um, wear assistance or anything yet, but I likely will eventually and I have accepted my damp fate. One day, I was running errands for my cousins because their whole household was extremely sick. These errands required me to drive outside of my usual radius of safety. I knew I'd be a couple hours, so I didn't drink much water that morning. I was prepared. But then I get an hour into the errands, I'm feeling great, and I decide I should get a small coffee to sip on while I finish the last hour of errands. Of course things don't go to plan. The last couple errands take so much longer than expected, I'm no...

Obligatory this happened just this weekend. A bit of background. I am a huge computer nerd spending most of my time on the computer doing various things. I also built the pc myself which led up to the fuck up. So ever since I upgraded my computer with a new graphics card and processor about two years ago I have experienced rather high temperatures and loud fans. I initially did not think about it as I assumed I just needed more fans to pull out the hot air. I therefore installed another one and the temps got slightly better. I then ran my computer like this for about 1.5 years up until this week where I picked up a new ssd as I was running low on storage. As I was already opening up the pc to install it I figured that I might as well check dust buildup inside the case. This was the point where I realised my fuck up. After opening up the case I saw a huge dust build up indicating that unfiltered air had made its way into the case. So at that point I checked the fans. Upon checking t...

TIFU by finding the opposite of eye bleach. I’m pretty new to reddit. This is my first ever post. I think it’s something worthy to share with the reddit world! I was reading some sad-ish and not so wholesome reddit posts. I was looking at peoples ideas of movies that fucked them up and I went into a rabbit hole of remembering movies that were a bit messed up. These movies were beige in comparison to what I just saw. I wanted to look at cute kittens and puppies for a pick me up. I typed in eye bleach (or so I thought) into the search bar. I clearly didn’t read the subtle spelling change. It was marked as NSFW which I thought was weird for cute animals but didn’t really register what it meant. What I saw, I cannot un-see. I don’t think my brain even fully registered what I saw in the 0.23345837 seconds I was on that page. TL;DR: went to look at subreddit eye bleach and clicked on the opposite of eye bleach by accident.

My wife and I welcomed our twin boys into the world about 6 weeks ago. We’re still in that lovely phase of life wherein we don’t have a sleep schedule so much as we’re microdosing sleep. So yesterday night, we’re up at 4am feeding our boys. My wife handled the first twin, and I had the second. Well, Twin #1 (T1) finished his meal first, and my wife moved him over to a rocking chair where she gently rocked him back to sleep. Took about 20 minutes with him fighting sleep, but she got him. She gingerly set him down in his bassinet, and went back to sleep herself. Meanwhile, T2 was wrapping up his meal too. I got him up; burped him, and took him over to the rocking chair to rock him to sleep too. He was drifting off nicely. To avoid falling asleep myself, I was getting a needed hit of caffeine from a can of Pepsi. I took a medium sized sip, and set the can down. Not 30 seconds later I too felt the need to burp. No biggie, I’ll just let off a silent one, right? NOPE. Between the empty sto...

So I'm currently home for thanksgiving break and I brought some edibles for my friends and I. I left the edibles in the fridge but made sure to hide it as well as I could by placing it behind all the condiments at the back so that my parents wouldn't see or eat them. Today I was about to leave to get high with my friends and then I noticed that the baggy of edibles was out in the middle of the fridge with one missing, which has 50 mg of thc. I was thinking about who the hell could've eaten them and then I saw my dad slowly trying to test his blood pressure. I asked him if he had eaten a brownie recently and sure enough he was the culprit. I don't think he's ever had weed before in his life so i told him he needs to lie down. He's an old guy in his 60s and takes meds for low blood pressure which is freaking me out a bit. I had recently checked up on him and he said he knows the bed is flat but it feels slanted and that he's floating lol. Turns out my mom w...

So I (22M) am a teacher at a private school around here. Yesterday I was having an online weekend course with some students. There were like 5 or 6 students and they are not even my students. I only teach them at weekends to help them practice a little more. I was trying to explain to them what "foreground" and "background" are. Well I, when there were so many pictures on the internet and I could show them one from there and explain, decided to do the not so logical one. Sitting on my chair, in front of my laptop, decided to take a photo with my phone holding a bottle in front of my wardrobe to give them the idea. That, the bottle would be in the foreground and the wardrobe in the background. I took the photo, got into my gallery, and turned my phone to the laptop camera so that they could see the picture and I could explain them in detail. Damn me, I accidentally did slide the photo and the previous photo was me from top to waist, half-naked with a boxer, and not...

Obligatory not today. After our Thanksgiving feast we all decided to play Jackbox (for the two of you who don't know, it's a set of party games you play on your phones with one tv screen displaying information for everyone). We played fakin' it, where each round one person is the faker and must answer questions they don't know without appearing suspicious. Round 2: first question: raise your hand if you've ever worn handcuffs for any reason. I thought back to my childhood and recalled playing with a pair of handcuffs in the room I shared with my brothers (before they moved out). They were toy handcuffs (with a tab that can release the grip and free your hands, and also a simple key), but handcuffs nonetheless. I decided is raise my hand. I knew my brother and his wife were probably into kinky stuff, so I knew they'd get outed by each other. I'm pretty sure my sister has been detained, so her hand would probably go up. Either way, she'd get outed by her ...

So it was 4AM, casually chilling in my room, watching netflix and eating grapes with blue cheese. I ate like half a kilo of grapes and a whole 100g brick of blue cheese. All of a sudden I get this really bad stomach ache, I pull my knees close to the chest behind the computer to ease the pain a little and let some gas out, seems to be working for a minute. Then the pain gets even worse and I proceed to go lay down on the bed, tucked in again for a few minutes until the pain gets to the point I can't even really move my legs anymore. I pull myself together and go to the toilet. As I sit on the toilet really in pain, crawled up and just trying to squeeze something out. All I get is a few pathetic farts. I'm sitting there, now the pain is so bad that I'm sweaty af, remove my hoodie and throw it on the ground, my ears are ringing so loud that I can't hear anything else above it. I'm thinking that maybe I have to call the ambulance since the pain was so powerful. I tr...

Today I fucked up by hitting up someone on snap, we hit it off for a bit and like adults we were both horny so she suggested that we send nudes. I was okay with it and after I sent them. She started to blackmail me. Saying she wanted $200 for her to delete them. I have already reported her several times and asked her why but she just came off as rude. I have tried several tactics to deter her from stopping and posting them online and making my friends and family see them and ruin my life but I don’t know what to do at this point and I think she might actually do that. Does anyone have any advice to give me? I am currently trying to get her to delete the video and pics with reasoning and some lies and change the price of it lowering it but she still won’t delete them and threatening to post them to ruin my life. If anyone has any solutions please help me. TL;DR a girl asked for nudes and is now blackmailing me to post them all over social media

Today I lit the smokers for the final time of the year. Annually I smoke a Ham and a Turkey for my Friendsgiving. Ham and pineapple go together well right? I thought so too. I bought a spiral sliced ham and put pineapple between each slice. I thought the pineapple juice would simply add flavor to my ham and prop open the slices allowing the smoke to penetrate more deeply. I underestimated the the power of enzymes....... I do know that pineapple is used for tenderizing and what it can do to certain kinds of meat.... I did not realize that it would break down the ham creating a completely inedible slab of ham that felt almost like mashed potatoes in the mouth. I pulled the ham from the smoker smiling and had everyone gathered around to taste test.(my friends are accustomed to eating my experiments and they welcome them as they almost always work out great.) The look of utter horror across everyone face as they bit into the ham would have been hysterical if my cooking had not been the ca...

Obligatory this happened a few days ago but.. My partner and I are in a long term dom/sub relationship we have been together 6 year and have been in this dynamic on and off for 2 years, but anyway, the other night we were getting down and dirty I was blowing him while he was guiding my head on his member, anyway normal I have little to no gag reflex but for some reason this night it was very prominent! We were both really enjoying it so I carried on even though he questioned wether I was okay. I went down and retched and as I was retching I pulled up and absolutely covered his whole crouch in vomit! All over his balls and cock and up to his stomach! I was so so embarrassed apparently my whole face turned red and I started crying from embarrassment! He was so kind about it and so reassuring and lovely, we got in the shower and I helped clean him then he was my hair and we went and cuddled in bed, but it was awful! TLDR- I was giving my partner head and puked all over his crotch!

Edit: yeah I get a lot of people are just going to be angry just because of who I am and that's your own issue, its a bit sad you let that make you upset to be honest when you can live your life. But the reporting me as suicidal is boring and overplayed if you want to be an ass please do it in a way that's funny at the very least As stupid as this sounds this is all true, alcohol was obviously involved and this actually happened yesterday. Me and my friends managed to win some bottles of bubbly and a vip booth at the gay bar doing a quiz on Monday, so obviously rallied our friends together. We were living the high life, getting more drunk then we had any business being ordering round after round. In the midst of dancing I slipped off the platform of our booth and my foot fully got smashed as I fell, the pain was way worse than I thought it should be but I was drunk and in the midst of pulling so I decided I would just be fine and I spent the night hobbling. I figured I'd...

This was 10 years ago, but it still haunts me. I was looking for my first ever job, and I had applied for a job at a Hollister in a mall. I was very excited when later that week, I saw an email from Hollister. I opened it and read that they were inviting me for an interview and I only read the date and time to show up. I get all ready, make myself look nice, and excitedly drive to the mall to try to secure my first ever job. I arrive and am confused that no one dressed up. I thought this was a job interview! Turns out we were supposed to wear “beachy” attire such as shorts, sandals, polo shirt, etc. It has said in the email that we were supposed to dress similar to how the employees dress. Not only that, but I also find out that we are having a group interview . So there I am — the only one wearing a button up, slacks, tie, and dress shoes. They would ask a question and we would go around answering it. Basically everyone is just trying to 1-up each other. I could barely focus. I was ...

Yesterday I was doing some fall cleaning of my backyard/ flower garden and I began clearing out some of the foliage that my grandfather (he passed away a few years ago and we inherited his house) had let grow during his last years due to his health prohibiting him from doing anything that would raised his heart rate. While I was clearing foliage I literally stumbled upon this metal object sticking out of the ground. After digging it up I was able I identify it as a cast iron flower pot. I put it aside and looked around until I found it’s pair, which I also dug up and put with its pair. I decided to put them both on facebook marketplace and listed it as 50$. I got a few messages of people offering me 50$. I basically had them place bids until I found someone who was willing to pay me 100$ which I was very excited about. I thought that it was wild that this person was willing to pay me 100$ for an old dirty iron flower pot. I got home and decided to google the value of cast iron flowe...