greenmangostudio

Obligatory clarification, I fucked up Thursday night. Four days ago, my sister responded to me with one simple little phrase,"lettuce pray" and my brain would not accept that there were no appropriate vegetable puns to be found in my mental Rolodex. I think pinpointed exactly is where I fucked up. I told my sister that I would be back in 30 minutes, i was driving and I needed time to think of a vegetable response because I was just unarmed. I got home and it took me a good 45 minutes to come up "peas be with us" But in my heart, I knew it wouldn't be sufficient.Something told me I was still woefully unprepared for the war I had set into motion. I barely got my little "peas be with us" typed and she had managed to sprinkle "Oh kale no" "Don't beet me up" And a couple more I forgot cuz I was ambushed I told her she was just being malicious now. She knew I brought a knife to a gun fight. Told her to hold her fire, she was fi...

Tifu by sending ahem revealing pictures of myself to a girl online Tifu by sending revealing pictures of myself to a girl online. It started as an innocent conversation, I then checked out her page not knowing who she was. I told her I thought she was hot (which was the truth) and she asked me for a picture of myself. I sent her a normal shirtless picture of myself in a pair of shorts to which she replied “very handsome”. I asked her about some of her hobbies, which included sports, cuddling, and naughty games. I said to her “oh really?” With that little devil face emoji. She sent the emoji back and asked if I was “freaky”. I said “not normally, but I can make an exception” just trying to get into her pants. So we played, we went back and forth sending ahem naughty pictures of ourselves to each other. I was very careful not to include my face in any of the pics I sent her. This went on for a while, until she asked me for a full mirror pic. At this point I was so far in that all my ...

I recently got back into bike riding after 22 years. Bike riding has been a favorite of mine since I was a little kid. Because of financial reasons and life I havent had a bike since I was 20. A few weeks ago I bought a beach cruiser and have been riding on a bike path a few times. Today my son and I decided to go for a ride. As I was getting myself adjusted and getting ready to peddle off, I switched legs to peddle off with. Except I forgot to put my other leg down so I wouldn't fall. I fell....hard. I'm a larger woman and it was not graceful at all. I dont know why my brain thought I was going to be able to balance like that. After the realization of it all I laughed, my son laughed, he helped me up and we continued on our ride. Thankfully there was only a couple people who might have seen. Hours later now, and my lower back aches, but hopefully it's nothing major. I guess I have to remind myself I cant beat gravity! TL:DR I fell hard off my bike because I forgot gravit...

This just happened today. Right now. I’m in horrified shock that this is real life and I need this moment to just come to terms with this horror movie. I bought a house back in May. My lease wasn’t up until July but it worked out okay for me financially to not break my lease and just stay through end of July. I Moved essentials into the house planned on being sort of between both places in between work. But my new job kept me traveling too much to get back to the apartment much more than to throw a few more boxes together and move them over to the house. Today I showed up to gather the last of my things and clean up. I decided to clean out what was left in the fridge and that’s when the scene that will haunt my nightmares unfolded. Some time in the 6 weeks I haven’t been around, the fridge quit working. I wasn’t here to notice. It’s summer. And I had the thermostat set to 75 since I wasn’t staying here. I opened to door to a backwoods redneck murder cabin fridge in a horror movie’...

Obligatory this not happen yesterday but actually during the entire previous 3 years. I've been recently been going through a rough insecurity period about my hair thickness. I started university the year the lockdown happened, I've had the entire first half of the university experience but obviously been spending more time in the apartment. This was obviously not a fun period but what really made it worse was that I was losing thickness right on the top of my head. This made me feel really bad since losing a large portion of my hair's thickness at my age(23) feels so depressing. So I have had huge insecurity about showing my hair in public. But as I sit here about 3 hours ago I realized what has happened, I had right about at the start of university bought a new headset. I've always wanted a good Bluetooth headset, not having to worry about a wire was so sick. I bought a arctic wireless headset and the headband has been tensioning my hair on the top of my head. I ne...

I (26M) have Cystic Fibrosis and had to get a double lung transplant last year. Because of the long recovery and COVID, I haven’t been able to work in a long time. I used to work at a grocery store in and decided to ask for my job back part time. Working there was my only hope because it is flexible and in walking distance. I can’t drive anymore because of seizures. I’ve only had a few though and take meds to control them. I walked over to the store looking my best and ready to talk to my old manager. Everything felt so surreal and bright. I figured that I was just getting nervous and emotional about being there after so long. Right away near the front of the store I saw an old coworker and she recognized me. She asked me how I’ve been and I tried to answer but my brain started shutting down. For some reason I touched her chest (wtf is wrong with me) then grabbed her arm and fell backwards. I hit my head on the concrete floor and started seizing really badly. Everyone in the whole s...

TL;DR: ear wax removal got my hearing back to how it should be the last 30+ years and it's terrible TIFU by having ear wax removed. Went camping with my family recently; played with the kids in the water. Thought I just had water in my ears but turns out one of my ears was completely plugged with wax (apparently wax is/can be "spongy" and absorb water?) severely limiting my hearing. Made an appointment for ear wax removal (sorry to the kinda lady). Oh also, have used q-tips/cotton swabs my entire life, the way the packaging says NOT to... 😬 Got both ears checked; lots of scraping, spraying, etc. Chunks were coming out and it was terrible. But by far and way, the worst part of all this has been my new "super human" hearing. I HEAR EVERYTHING NOW AND IT'S TERRIBLE! My house floors are so much creakier, my car makes terrible noises, my kids are SO FREAKING LOUD, clocks ticking... I can hear my t-shirt tag rubbing on my neck. Chip bags! Everything... especi...

So basically there are 6 people in this situation: Me, my three friends (lets call them A, J and M) A's grandma and J's dad. On wensday A invited me to his birthday. First he asked me: "what are you doing on sunday?" and then: "would you like to come to my birthday on saturday?" I missed the part when it says saturday so i thought its on sunday. I was doing chores today (saturday) (cleaning my room) and i found an envelope (i didnt checked whats inside) and i thought that it would be a good envelope where i can put money for my friend to give him on his birthday. So i asked my mom for money (50 zł) for my friends birthday and she said that she would give it to me later cuz his birthday is tommorow. Always when i do chores my mom takes my phone until i finish all of them. The birthday was supposed to be on 4PM. When i finished chores it was almost 6PM. When i got my phone back i saw lite TEN MISSED CALLS FROM MY FRIEND, HIS GRANDMA AND OTHER FRIEND. I k...

My tub has been backed up awhile. I have an old septic tank that the landlord has promised to fix for 2 years before me they just pumped it every year. It was not pumped this year. My landlord said the septic needs to be fixed and it's okay if it overflows for now. He was planning to fix it in August. I needed a shower and was tired of emptying the water with a bucket everytime I used the tub. Lately I have been using the shop vac and suck up the water. Today I thought maybe if I got close to the drain I could suck up some hair or grime to clear a blockage. Unfortunately the bloackge is just thick dark sewage from a very fl tank. Now there's very thick black sludge in my bathtub. I left a message with my landlord to no response and it's a long weekend. Probably won't get pumped til Tuesday at earliest and of course I'll get a lecture from him as well. Had to 'shower' in the sink. Tl:dr vacuummed water out of bathtub and pulled sewage out of overflowin...

This happened in December, my family had decided to let our dog have puppies. So after a bit of research and finding the right stud dog we go ahead and arrange the date, but due to covid the studs owner recommended AI for speed and to avoid prolonged meeting times. On the day of the meeting out the blue my daughter (8) asks if she could come with me, not really thinking about what was in-store I agreed, we got the dog ready and set off. When we arrived we sat in the waiting area with our dog and waited for the arrival of the stud, still not knowing how bad the next half an hour of my life was going to be, having done no prior research about how the AI process actually happens. In walks the very large labradoodle stud dog primed and ready to go! Now the vet takes control of our dog and offers her up to the male dog only a few feet away, the stud jumps on our dog and goes for it with everything he's got, I guess normal mating type moves. Then after about 30sec the vet whips the ...

This is a pretty wild post. I’m hoping some of you may know a thing or two about spiders. Before I get into the story, I’d like to say that I do not have any proof or evidence at this moment. I recently moved into a condo with my lovely girlfriend and upon moving in, we noticed a ton of dead spiders in the floor. The house wasn’t ever in any bad shape, so it was odd seeing this many spiders. We were only seeing dead spiders, none were living. We figured it was just from the house being unoccupied for X amount of time. Keep in mind, I live in a condo. So our house is directly connected to the house next door. After moving in and getting settled, we began finding more and more living spiders. We have two cats and sometimes our cats will find one and chase it around or I’ll suddenly stumble upon one chilling on the living room floor or something. The other night, my girlfriend and I were out grocery shopping pretty late. We returned home and our neighbor from across the street was out...

Well... This TIFU was about 1/4 year ago and I guess there is no way to back out. I am from germany. I bought a property five years ago just for the "lols" next to a church to BBQ, hang out and what ever. After a few years of searching for property to build a house and wasn't able to find because of either no properties available or if they were available you have to win the lottery of 1000 people wanting it as well and if they only have 20 properties chances are slim if you aren't from that town. Well so I guess screw it, I'll just build a house there. Yeah now my girlfriend and I are building, it is a wonderful house we planned but the issue is the - guess it - the church. It has 0 people visiting the church. No one really cares about the church in that town. Heck, even sundays it is empty and they changed it to once a month where the priest comes for the last 2 old people in our town. It goes DONG every first quarter, DONGDONG second quarter, DONG DONG ...

Almost two weeks to the day, and the resulting nightmare from my unfortunate parking job in the grass is finally over (I hope). I should first mention, if you have a significant fear of creepy crawly things like I do, you may not like reading this; if you fear creepy crawly things and also happen to like torturing yourself, read on! Also, I like to ramble a bit, so apologies for the longish read. It began like this: two weekends ago, I was, at the last minute, invited to join my girlfriend and her family on a camping trip at a lakeside RV campground for a night. As the drive to meet them there was less than an hour, and I had nothing important planned for the weekend, I decided to accept, and a fun trip followed. While I didn't know it at the time, the first sign of what was to come appeared as the sun went down, crawling over the counter and into the sink of their RV: a line of small, black, quick-moving ants with long antennae after the bits of food washed down the drain from...

Today I just wanted to try something new so I decided to scour Reddit to find some of those subreddits where people share their snapchats with the purpose of sexting or selling nudes. I got in touch with a girl and she send me some nudes and asked me if she could video call me to see me pleasure myself. I obliged and after it was all done we were just chatting for a bit and then she asked me to send her a full body nude picture of myself with my face in it. I said I wouldn't do that because I am new to this and don't fully trust her yet with such a clear picture of me (I mostly concealed my face during the videocall). Then "she" confessed to be a 30 yr old guy, and said I have a small dick. I replied with "you must have a very fulfilling life...", Then I blocked him. Tbh, I don't even care, still had a good time and I won't let the hindsight of knowing it was a dude ruin it. I mainly feel petty for this guy. He literally doesn't have anything b...

Sorry, this is my first post on TIFU so it's a bit long. I was scrolling through my city's hookup subreddit and saw a post looking for a discreet hookup ASAP. I DM'd her and exchanged details like nationality, pics, etc. My heart skip a beat when I saw her cause she was so obviously out of my league. Incredibly beautiful and the same nationality as mine, which is always a plus. I sent her my best photo, which seemed good enough for her because she sent me her location and phone number. The location was about 40 mins and 45 km away from me. She said she wanted to hook up immediately cause her parents were out and might come back soon, so I scrambled to get to her place. I also had to buy condoms on the way (I don't keep any on me cause frankly this kind of shit never happens). After spending 40 mins driving to her and basically emptying what was left of my tank, I get to her place. My bladder feels somewhat full but I didn't think much of it considering what was...

Ok, I use TikTok 10 hours a day and just like many of you, I’ve seen that pink sauce that everyone’s trying and I have such a fomo when I see a food trend, so I cough up the 20$ for that sauce and tell my siblings that I’ve just bought the pink sauce (big mistake). Around 1 week later the damn sauce arrives looking like it served in ww2 as it was horribly packaged and some sauce has leaked. As if that wasn’t enough for me not to try it many videos have been questioning the safety of even consuming the sauce since it had milk in it and the labels were misleading. Obviously I tell my siblings that it’s probably a good idea not to eat the sauce since many people say that it’s dangerous to eat but them being no older than 13 insisted that we should at least see what it tastes like. I was hesitant but I soon gave in and tried the sauce. 5 hours go by and no symptoms of food poisoning so it seems like my siblings were right but little did I know, I was about to take the most steamy diarrhea...

TIFU twice, actually. We work from home upstairs while our children are cared for downstairs. We interact sometimes, but most of the time we keep things separate because the coming and going really messes with attachment issues. My husband left the office and I was thinking “I really need a lollipop.” Thankfully, my husband yelled from our bedroom down the hall “Do you need anything?” and I stupidly yelled back from the office “Yeah, my lollipops, they’re in my bed side table!” My three and four year olds downstairs heard this and started hollering and chanting “LOLLIPOPS” over and over and I came to the top of the stairs and their caretaker looked at me like “thanks a lot” and I’m sure somewhere my boss was thinking “get those kids quiet” so I had the ABSOLUTELY brilliant idea to toss them each a mini butterfinger down the stairs, but I misjudged and it hit the three year old in the head, it bounced off, and hit her brother in the eye, and they both collapsed in tears on the floo...

I (30F) went on a date with a guy (31M) who I met a few days ago. I thought he was cute and he told me how sweet and pretty I was and that he wanted to take me on a date. We went out for tacos and margaritas at one of my favorite taco spots. Throughout the date it felt pretty one sided as far as I was trying to make conversation and all he wanted to do was get out of the taco place and walk around so we could hold hands. I quickly started to realize our communication styles were completely different and I was not feeling any kind of spark. We got done with tacos and I suggested we go to a spot with board and card games instead of just walking around. He insisted on walking around and holding my hand, putting his arm around me and constantly touching my face until I finally had to demand he stop touching my face. I couldn’t wait for the date to be over with. I was relieved after he finally dropped me back off at my car. Today he asked to go to the cinema for our next date and I told hi...

So alittle background here, I(19M) met a girl, lets call her L in a bar yesterday and we got along well. So we made plans to hangout later but because I was off work on the day she was working I decided to just leave her a message on imessage since I didnt have her insta yet, so maybe she can reply to it when she is done with work. Since I have to work the day after I decided to go to bed early, around 11pm I was woken up by a message and since I usually use instagram to text with my friend, automatically I thought ‘oh, its probably L’, I was really excited to talk to her since I have been waiting all day and the conversation was abit odd but you know, people often text differebtly to how they speak IRL so it doesnt raise a flag for me. So I proceed to explain when Im off work and when I would be availble blah blah blah. Eventually it comes to meeting up tomorrow (or so I thought), and then it comes to her : yea I will come tomorrow me : oh thats wonderful, Im looking forward to tha...

So this just happened and I am not sure if I should feel terrible or not. I am camping with my son (7) on a small family camping with lots of families and kids. As a divorced dad going alone with my son to a camping we are both used to the questions where mom is etc. no big deal. He has made lots of fun friends. But there is one very annoying kid (8). The type who overstays his welcome, keeps begging for candy or toys. Even when my son is playing elsewhere he comes up and asks for candy. And for the last two days he is coming to our tent a lot. And I am just trying to read my book. Now he made it his mission or something for me to get mad at my son, and he comes up to me with every little thing my son allegedly did. And these are stupid little kid stuff like make a funny face or skipped his turn at a game. When I said one time I would talk to my son later he waited 30 minutes in front of my tent for me to get up. I have a lot of patience and been nice to the kid for days. Just now...

Ok, I (23m) love reading this subreddit. I read them all the time in my pass time. I was reading this particular one yesterday: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/w8jsod/tifu_by_accidentally_ripping_out_my_iud_during/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share Now, some background information. I am the youngest in my family. There is a 7 year gap between my other brother, and then 2 more year to my older sister. My parents are very conservative and didn't teach me a lot about sex education. They just let the public school system teach me. I have been in a very amazing relationship a little over a year now. She (22f) is the best thing to ever happen to me. I have also grown amazingly close to my cousin (22f) over the past 2 years. Both my girlfriend and cousin are my closest friends I have. I feel comfortable talking to them about anything at all, including women's anatomy. Back to the story at hand, I'm talking to my cousin on the phone yesterday while I read the b...

So not even an hour ago I stopped by a coworker's cubicle for a little chit chat. He told me he was trying to buy a PS5. So out of genuine curiosity I asked the typical "oh it's still sold out? Have you tried that Sony direct thing they're doing?" questions. After all that I suggested getting a mid range PC for the same price. Admittedly it's been a while since I've done any video gaming or computer building myself but last I remember you could get a comparable or slightly better specced PC for the same price as a console. I even threw out the age old upgradeable selling points and all that. Then, as I turned to walk back toward my cubicle I absentmindedly said "PC Master Race" down the hallway. Well, I just got an email from HR and have a private meeting in 30 minutes. Pretty sure I'm gonna have to explain that I'm not a nazi... TL;DR shouted bad things at my office, might get fired

This FU comes over a year in the making. The first night I had my cat she didn't eat anything. She was used to dry food and we had given her wet. At the time we didn't know she only ever ate dry food. So in an attempt to get her to eat, I would pick her up, place her down by her food bowl and pet her until/whilst she ate. This continued that I would pick her up and pet her by her food bowl quite often. She now loves her food, wet and dry and crunches away happily whenever she so pleases. The problem comes in that, whenever I touch her, she proceeds to run to her food bowl (accompanied by a vrrrt sounding meow) and eat. On sight, she will run to her bowl and wait for me to accompany her. She will even go so far as to meow so somebody comes to watch her eat and rub her back. Of course I will lovingly oblidge each time. TLDR; Accidentally taught my cat that every time I touch her, she must eat

I'm friends with someone on a Discord server, and through them I found their tumblr account (it's their art account), they follow me back but I don't know if they know it's me? Today I donated €2 to their Ko-Fi which is in their tumblr bio, I wanted it to be anonymous but it showed my name on the receipt. I looked up if ko-fi shares that information with the creators, it does, and I got an email receipt saying "You just donated €2 to [friends full name]@email.com. So now I know their full name, they know mine, they know I found their tumblr, and now they probably think I stalked them! I only knew them by a screen name and I'm mortified that I've breached their privacy by just trying to give them money :( TL,DR: I wanted to anonymously donate money to an online friend, it wasn't anonymous, and now I know their full name and they know mine.

At 2am I (18 f) get a text from my guy best friend (20 m) asking if I was awake, to which I responded yes. We then just proceeded to update each other on our lives atm. I’m currently am having issues with my boyfriend and told him that. He tells me he wants to get out of the house and I tell him I want to do the same. He tells me he can pick me up and we can go to the park and I’m like that’s perfect, I have a chance to clear my head. That’s where I fucked up, I shouldn’t have gone. By the time he gets to my house it’s around 3am. We go to a park because I wanted to swing but it’s too dark, and then we go to the gas station and he buys me snacks, and then we go to the park by his house (no swings btw). Since there were no swings we just sat in the car talking like normal and we even play music. At this point his seat is leaning back and he looks at me and asks me if I want to do “it”. I look at him and laugh because he had to be joking right? No, he was serious. I told him wtf Yk I ha...

This is a pretty funny story actually. I had just finished bringing groceries in from the trunk of my car. My mother had been helping me. Something caught my eye as I was closing the trunk. The exhaust pipe of my MAZDA6 sedan was dripping some strange pink liquid onto the asphalt. I was floored. I had no idea what to think. Since when did exhaust pipes drip pink fluid? I have a mechanic that I’m good friends with down right down the street, so I drove my car a few houses down to the mechanic shop. Now, I admit I know nothing about cars. But this liquid was some bright pink, almost fluorescent looking crap. I needed an opinion, mostly out of curiosity. The mechanic took a look inside of the pipe and said that it wasn’t coming from inside of the car, since the fluid was just on the edge of the pipe. A few minutes later, my mom had called asking where I went. I explained the situation and she burst out laughing. Turns out, my mom had a purplish-pink Starbucks drink in her hand while she...

Okay so this didn’t happen today. This happened in 2019. Right before covid hit. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy who lived in New York. I would often fly back and fourth between home and visiting him. One time when I went down to see him he told me he had a surprise for me. We were going to Poconos, PA to spend a weekend in the “fuck palace” as Pete Davidson calls it. one of those romance resorts they have. Complete with the heart shaped tub and star lit ceiling. I brought lots of toys knowing we were basically just going to fuck the entire weekend. I was correct, and we had a great time. When it came time to checkout I was in a rush trying to pack everything. So I just threw everything in my bag and tossed some stuff into my backpack figuring I would organize it better before I caught my flight home that evening. By the time we made it back to New York it was basically time for me to head to the airport. So I grabbed all of my things and we hustled to LaGuardia. We ...

Disclaimer: I'll start this off by saying that I never should've logged into her account in the first place & that the pain I'm feeling is on me for discovering the things they were saying. I am grateful for the clarity though. Okay so I (24F) got married about a year ago. I had a group of 3 close friends and we all knew each other since high school. Let's call them Buttercup, Bubbles, and Blossom. Our friendship definitely had it's ups and downs especially because Buttercup and Blossom were super close to each other and both had gotten married to their high school sweethearts, which often left Bubbles and I feeling left out. When I finally got engaged I was excited because I felt like this could finally be a way for me to connect with Buttercup and Blossom more since we would all be in the same stage of life. I was surprised to find out in the months that followed my wedding that the friendship began to drift. I'm not always the best with initiating thin...

l was alone at home and well, l’m going through “hormonal changes”. For the record l’m a male in his late teenage years (16 years old). I’m staying in a hotel since we’re on a summer vacation you know; beach, the sea, hot temperatures and humidity. I’m not a fan of the sea since l easily get irritated with salty water. l chose to stay in our room whilst my parents were at the beach. I got horny, like real horny. No one around so why shouldn’t l jack off right? Wrong. Don’t get me wrong or anything, l didn’t get caught but here’s the problem. l jacked off 4 times in 2 hours. l deadass have bruises on my penis because of the violent masturbation. It bled a little and well, with the heat around it hurts a lot. It genuinely burns and l literally can’t explain my funny walk and my hands in the pockets to my parents. l’m just playing it cool and feeling a burning sensation outside of my dick. l can’t even swim without feeling pain. Thank you very much for listening to this pointless thing...

This actually happened quite a while ago but I just feel to need to tell Reddit. In about grade 7 I was in the stage of life when hormones started to kick in and I enjoyed pleasuring myself. A lot of the time I would be doing some school work on my computer when I started to feel the hormones but I would just which accounts before searching you know what up. But one time I forgot to switch my account and searched it up on my school account. My school red flags a lot of bad words and stuff like that, so I got red flagged and what made it worse is my mom worked at the school in the office. They probably would have told my mom either way though. But needless to say my mom said to me and my siblings the next day at supper “You guys know that the school can see what your search up on your school accounts right?” That’s when I knew I fucked up. It was just embarrassing. TLDR - I searched up bad stuff on my computer and I was on my school account and the school saw it.

Reddit, I am mortified but also cannot stop laughing, probably through nerves. So, my mum is in her mid 60s. She’s terrible with all things technology related, especially mobiles. Example, for some reason her WhatsApp profile picture was (and still is) a mannequins head styling a wig and she’s no idea how it got there or how to change it. It’s so stupid we’ve just kept it there. She quite a gullible person, but it’s endearing. Now onto the purpose of this post. My mum, although terrible with mobiles, recently ordered flowers online for a sick relative who was in the hospital. They were fairly expensive costing around £65. When the flowers arrived, they were nothing like in the online pictures, in fact they were pretty much a day or two away from dying. She found herself pretty disgruntled at this and decided to email the florist with what should’ve been pictures of the flowers, showing how terrible they were. Now, this is where it gets shocking. My mum recently had to go through s...

So my dog got sick like 2 months ago. She had to make blood test for everything. That´s when it came out, she had some kidney problems and other stuff going on. I had to give her a diet for 4 weeks and then come in to make another blood test for her kidneys. My vet that I normally visit makes a break for 3 weeks, so I had to find someone for this time span. Because I live in a big city, all vets normally don´t want new customers, so I had to look for who would even answer my phone calls. I went onto google and searched for every vet nearby. The first answered and said, he would have time, but I rememberd his bad reviews especially about telling a woman, her dog would have cancer and kidney failure and giving her the wrong medication and also some other bad stuff. So I called another vet, whose reviews were mostly pretty positive (4.7 out of 5). 3 were very negative about her having molt in the doctors office, hurting birds, sticking the needle in the wrong spot. Because my other vet...

I’ve been at this job for almost 5 months. Great job with a really good and well known company Im an HRBP Director so as usual I have to spend a great deal of time building relationships, showing value, demonstrating I know how businesses work while onboarding. I was assigned to the Marketing and Data businesses. I have 7 execs altogether - 3 SVPs and 4 VPs Most of them are really great and I’ve been able to get some good headway with them and they are involving me and I’m watching the trust build naturally as I learn their orgs and start to build talent strategies and workforce modeling plans- but there is one I just clash with. Let’s call him Andy. From the start Andy treated me more like a dumping ground waiter instead of a business partner. In our first meeting it was basically “all of our employees are underpaid and you need to fix that” and just this general condescending “you aren’t worth my time attitude” We got into a heated debate 2 months in because he wanted to chang...

This one seems pretty self explanatory. My girlfriend and I were watching a movie just enjoying our time together when things began to get a little bit spicy. One thing to another and I am doing a little bit of hand work under the covers. Mid way through my mission I am face over hers about to kiss her when I hear a jokingly, “Get your face off of my daughters.” Now her father and I are fairly close but in a horrified, still knuckle deep stare I look up at him and he begins laughing. I am absolutely MORTIFIED as I believe he has just witnessed me fingering his daughter. He turns around, and as I have been their the last few days he asks “Don’t you have a home?” I jokingly reply something funny to get a laugh out of him and lemme tell you there is nothing more of a turnoff than your girlfriends father walking in on you knuckle deep in her. Needless to say we believe he will knock from now on and we should most likely close the door. TL;DR My girlfriends father walked in on me knuckle ...

When I was 13 (m) there was this trend going round to sack tap your mates randomly out of nowhere, then follow it up by loudly blurting out SACK TAP. To this day I have no idea how or why this caught on, but it did and here we are. I was having a lunch BBQ thing at my house and lots of my classmates were there. I decided that this was the perfect time to make an attempt at this newfangled form of comedy. My unsuspecting friend who we shall call Brad was standing isolated from the large group of kids was the perfect target. My plan was simple. I was to casually waltz over, strike fearlessly and ferociously at his groin then proclaim triumphantly the sacred words. What could go wrong, I foolishly told myself as I began to move in for the kill. I approached Brad, and went through the motion of swinging my arm into his unmentionables in my head. It was time. I lifted my arm back and went for the fabled sack tap on poor unsuspecting Brad. As my hand travelled past the equilibrium of the ...

This happened years ago but I just remembered it when I read a post in AmItheAsshole. I was in Australia, north Queensland, it around Christmas time and it was the middle of the day. I saw Santa with a line of kids waiting to see him. It was around 41C, humidity around 99.9% and Santa had the full suit on. I was sweating just sitting there eating lunch, so I really felt bad for Santa. After I ate, I went and got two smoothies, one for me and one for Santa. The direct route to Santa had decorations blocking it so I went under the first set of ropes and stepped over the second making my way towards Santa. That's when I heard from the 4 to 6 year olds "Mind the queue you cunt! I'm going to punch you in the nuts! I'll break your jaw!" and some other threats. I got up to Santa and gave him the smoothie (mango), he thanked me and let me know while laughing "You're putting your life on the line cutting in front of all those kids to get up here mate, do yoursel...

Yesterday, I saw I only had 16 gigabytes of memory installed on my PC. I haven't touched my ram in about a year so I haven't cared to look. I noticed some of my games were using ALL of it, so I decided to buy 16 more gigabytes of ram off of amazon. Same day shipping, got it delivered during work. I come home and I immediately go and install it since I love doing that stuff. Anyways, while installing them, I noticed that 1 of my sticks were not fully installed. Well shit. I have forgotten that I have bought two 16 gigabytes of ram about a year ago. I have literally gone a whole year not realizing I wasn't even using one of my sticks. I would've returned the two 8 gigabytes of ram but I have absolutely demolished the packaging. Well, I installed it and now I have 48 gigabytes of ram. Overkill much... TL;DR Bought 16 more gigabytes of ram because I saw that I only had 16 gigabytes initially installed, games were using it all. I bought 16 more gigabytes of ram, installed...

So I (14f) don’t usually use social media platform like TikTok, instagram, and etc. A friend of mine recently told me to get discord though, and added me to a large server with dozens of random people whom I didn’t know. Most said they were my age or a bit older, and many made immature jokes and stuff but that’s to be expected of kids my age on the internet ya know? But everyone seemed nice enough. So anyway, I thought everything was going fine until somehow the topic changed to religion. Many of the people in the server started sharing their, well, very strong opinion on religion. At some point they noticed I wasn’t interacting much and they asked me what I thought. I told them I wasn’t super comfortable discussing my opinion, but the real reason was that I knew that they wouldn’t agree with me based on what had already been shared. They then started bashing on Islam and that made me a bit upset. I told them that it wasn’t fair to treat people like horrible people or terrorists just ...

This wasn’t necessarily today but a couple of weeks ago, I get a new job and I’m newly divorced for many reasons but mostly to do with the incompatibility with my spouse and bondage/latex/bdsm. As I re-enter the NYC BDSM scene, finally in control of my destiny, I decided to make an “investment”. I’m what you call a pleasure-dom in the kink community which is more based on giving my partners pleasure vs pain but centers on a pleasure overload scenario. Read up on the Lovense sex machine and decided to make a purpose and like I said - investment. Tested it out with several subs that I had been seeing and who had come to me, all seems to be going well… until… I get an alert that my BOA was signed in on another computer… it was at this moment that I realize IFU… I had logged into my BOA account while at my parents on their laptop. I had forgot to take off the notifications for fraudulent charges.. You can probably see where this is going.. I then get a call from said parents saying th...

Today I fudged up by sharing my devils lettuce This legit just happened, I (27F) had a stressful 12 hour work day so with a day like today I was just ready to get home and light up. It just so happens that my wife (we will call her Penny) had the day off and had plans to go to the beach with her cousin(we will refer to her as Gigi) and Gigi’s fiancée (we will call him Matt.) They were definitely having a good time and had a pretty good buzz going on, I call Penny to let her know I got some dank and was excited to get home and try it, to which she responds “oh, Gigi wants to smoke she’s never done it in America before!” (Penny and her family are from South America) I get home, pack the water pipe, blissfully unaware of the chaos that would abrupt not even 20 minutes later. I hand it over to Gigi who, with the assistance of Penny takes a big rip, followed by Penny and myself. Important to note that Matt did not take a rip this round. Then, I repack it and we do another round, this ti...

Ever since the initial rush on toilet paper at the beginning of covid ive been thinking about getting a bidet attachment for our toilet since ive been hearing a lot of good things about them. My wife however was less enthusiastic about the idea. For the last 2 years ive periodically brought it up but each time she would say that its weird and she didnt really want one. Recently however she said that if i really wanted to to just go ahead so i did. I looked around and found that that hooks up to a hot water source as well, since it gets pretty cold here in canada and the pipes in our old house are poorly insulated. I figured a cold blast in the morning wouldnt be very pleasant despite how quickly it would wake you up. So i ordered it last week and it showed up today and i quickly got to installing it and within about 20 minutes of screwing around with it i was finished. Easy peasy, or so i thought. Fast forward to a few hours later after we go shopping and my wife was ready to make...

My boyfriend is very sweet, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed. Best word I can use to describe him is "quixotic". Anyways, when talking about his dog, he said "pets are people, too". I'm pretty sure he was just parroting back some phrase from a dog food commercial. Jokingly I said "Hmm... if they are people, they better have human rights! We better provide Chowder (his dog) with a free education until age 18!" It was a stupid joke. He didn't laugh, but just said "You know... you're right!" After spending hours on the phone with several doggy daycare and dog training companies, he decided none of it was up to par with the public education system that humans have. (To be fair, my boyfriend went to a woefully bad school, which is probably on par with doggy daycare). I thought he would drop it, but just 45 minutes ago he told me that he's quit his job to be a full time home school teacher for Chowder. His intent is ...

I got a text from my roommate panicking because she locked herself out of her car on accident and she needed to get from her first job to her second job. The locksmith guy she called told her it’ll be a wait so I decided to drive over to her so she can take my car to work and I would call my Triple A instead. I know my roommate drives a white Honda. That’s it. When I got to the parking structure she was in, she was crouching off to the side on a little walkway next to a white Honda Clarity. We were in a rush so we exchanged cars, she let me know the keys were in the trunk, and she took off. I called Triple A and they get here in no time. I point out the Clarity and they break in with no sweat, the car alarm is just blaring now. I unlock the car and go into the trunk, but I don’t see any keys. After digging around for a little, I decide to call my roommate who told me they were in the grey bin. I told her I didn’t see a grey bin, just a red one, and then I started listing the other th...

TIFU by lying to my grandma It was my mothers birthday the other day and my grandma bought a vase with flowers on her grave in promise to return the vase after the flowers wit back to the flower shop. She doesn't live in the same city as we do so she told me to pick it up since I was going to her for lunch in a couple of days, she called me about 2 days later if I picked it up and I said I did... I meant to go the day after the call to pick it up, low and behold, it was not there the other day. Someone either threw it in the trash or someone stole it. I went to her place yesterday and said I forgot it in hopes she will forget about it... Everything was going smooth until she said, I'll be coming on wednesday to visit you since I have an appointment close by. Now I'm sitting here waiting for the day she'll come to tell her that I lied since the vase is nowhere to be seen TL;DR: I lied to my grandma thinking she would just forget about it since we live in different cit...

Yesterday my family and I (19m) went to the water park. I typically stuck with the slides but I went into the pool at some point. Well at this pool there was a diving board and I decided to do a belly flop. Here's where the fuck up begins. As I do the flop, I knock all the air out of me and accidentally swallow and inhale a bunch of highly chlorinated water and just knew it would get to me later. 30 minutes later as I was still in the pool, the feeling hit me. I HAVE to go. As I'm hightailing it to the closest bathroom I realized it was going to be one of those take all your clothes off, hunching over and praying for it to be over even if you were an atheist kind of movements. It was that kind of bad. Anyways I run into the bathroom and sit down. Now here's the FU. Right before I release the kraken I yelled "KRAKATOA" and let out the wettest, most violent rip of ass juice. Unbeknownst to me, there are other people in the bathroom. After a long pause, which I c...

I (m 58 indian dude) was at the beach by my self enjoying some quality time under the sun. I usually go on the weekdays (im retired) but decided to go today as i had no plans. I get there and its surprisingly empty. This was early in the morning so understandable. I took this chance to try something i have always wanted to. Bury myself in the sand...naked. Now i dug a hole and got it then covered up. It felt rather relaxing and i planned to stay there just 5 mins then hop out. About 45 mins later i am woken up by 2 girls (probably mid 20s, super hot) holding a volleyball. They asked if i could relocate and this is where they usually set up their volleyball net. I said sure and the two girls helped me get up....but as i was being pulled out i relized i didnt have shorts on...but it was too late....as the sand dropped off me one of the girls screamed "omg" and the other just bursted out laughing. There were some other girls there who saw and they also started laughing but ...

My wife has been sick at home several days with covid. shes starting to feel a bit lonely since she cant go out and hang out with anyone and i havnt been able to sleep in bed or hug/kiss her. i know nothing about pokemon cards besides she loves them and the fat pikachus. i went to our card store nearby and i grabbed her a few booster packs and when i got to the counter they had singles in the case and i saw this card. https://imgur.com/uEI1mLa i asked him how much is the fat rainbow pikachu and he checked the back and told me $550 and i heard $5.50 and i said ok ill take it he didnt even make a face like wow just buying a $550 card like that huh. he mumbled a total i gave him my card and i left half way home i was like wait...did he say 550 or 5.50. i checked the back and yep $550. she loves the card and in way better spirits. but it was a lesson learned and now that card has some sentimental value of me being ignorant. lets just call it an investment piece. ​ TL:DR - accidentally ...

tldr: was watching a movie on a flight on the screens in the seat, pilot announcement came on which paused all screens. movie paused on sex scene. This happened yesterday, but I just got wifi today. I was flying to London yesterday and when the plane took off, I decided to watch a movie on the screen on the back of the headrest in front of you. I plugged in my headphones and selected House of Gucci, as I saw a dvd of it in a store and it sounded interesting. I was sitting in an aisle seat, and I happened to be at the back of that section of the plane, so there was a large space between me and the seats behind me making my screen pretty visible to anyone looking my direction. Eventually a sex scene began and I didn’t think much of it until the pilot started announcing something. During the announcement, all screens freeze and you can’t operate them. So now everyone’s eyes are off their screens listening to the pilot, meanwhile my screen is paused on a shot of a dude mid-thrust with...

This happened a couple of days ago and it’s a lengthy story but I need to get it out. I (f16) have been struggling lately. This is because of my social life, I’ll be frank I don’t really want friends I didn’t have them in grade school and was happy as anything. But I’m high school it’s like I’m now a magnet to annoying people. I say annoying people because of how they view their social life. It’s like their life depends on what people think of them. Every little drama is overblown or just not real. I’m sick on being forced to care about it. I may sound like an AH but I feel so above it all. Anyway I don’t get much alone time which I crave. Especially since a girl I’ll call Kate developed out of nowhere a fixation with me. Honestly she was never nice to me or anyone for that matter but suddenly she will not leave me alone. I’d be lucky if I could go to the bathroom alone. She stuck to me despite every one of my attempts to get her to leave me. Don’t mistake this for her being nice to ...

I'm at a cashier at a local and popular grocery store. Our company doesn't require masks anymore and I started relaxing and not wearing a mask to work. Well today a customer happens to come in my Lane and tells me he has covid. I did not wear a mask to work today. He was wearing a paper mask but it doesn't do much to relieve my worry that I may have caught covid today. I have a 76 year old roommate that I have to worry about. I didn't remember that I checked someone out with covert until 2:00 a.m. I wrote a note to my roommate to start wearing a mask here and at home and I'm going to wear a mask and use a home test kit after I Google how soon I need to be tested after I think I got exposed to it. So now I'm worried and I'm going to sanitize all surfaces in the morning. I also told my roommate in the note to sanitize his hands a lot. I have right to worry because I don't want anything to happen to him. I just want to cry out of anger and frustration that...