greenmangostudio

So this happened like, 20 minutes ago. My girlfriend's dad doesn't really like me. We've had our history of drama so that's mostly the reason why, but me and her have been better and haven't had issues for a long time. That being said, I'll still go over to her house and hang out with her. She still lives with her dad right now as she's still in college. I'm about to get a place but still saving up money. Anyway, she forgot to lock her door because her dad was still there. We got done watching a movie and things started to get frisky between us. Normally when we're doing the deed she locks her door so her dad won't come in. Her dad has had a habit of knocking and then coming in. (Parents, please stop doing that shit. Respect your kids privacy so you don't get PTSD). Things got heated and once I finished blowing my torpedo, not 10 fucking seconds later he knocks on the door and just barges in and says, "Heyo, I ordered pizza if you want...

This past weekend a good female friend of mine, I'll call her "Void" in case she reads this, and I traveled to a local city for a fun weekend getaway of good food, partying, and some spicy moments. Now I have a minor defect on the old whoopy stick, basically a not 100 percent completed circumcision. Doesnt cause me any pain, or hurt me, just imagine like a small skin tack that connects head to shaft. Now i don't think about it because I've always had it and it literally never interferes with my daily or sexual life. Now Void has snake two lip rings! Snake bites, for those that dont know two ring piercings on the lower lip that have their openings pointed up! I think they are sexy and they have never been an issue, and im sure you can already tell where this is going. We get hot and heavy and i request some oral attention, everything is fine until the end where i pop out and Void lets out a really worried "UHHH!, MY LIPRING IS CAUGHT ON SOMETHING!" Ridin...

Covid restrictions are slowly starting to lift in my city (East Coast US) and many restaurants are allowed to operate again at full capacity and without restricted hours. My roommates and I are all vaccinated and wanted to celebrate the first glimpse of Covid's end so we decided to head to the local pub for some late night drinks and snacks. We decided we wanted to go out around 10pm. Because every business can decide for themselves if they want to keep their old restricted hours or move to new ones, I decided to give the bar a ring and ask if they would still seat us at 10:30pm and what time their kitchen closed. It went something like this: Me: Hi! I was calling to see if you were still seating parties and what time your kitchen closes tonight? Bartender: Hi, yes we are. Thee kitchen closes at 1:15 and last call is at 1:45. Me: 1:15 A. M.? (I heavily emphasize 'A.M.') Bartender: Um.... yes? Me: alright thank you. At this point, I hang up as quickly as possible. My...

Damn.....this just happened 10 minutes ago and my first reaction is to write a reddit post, what's wrong with me? So as a normal afternoon alone at home after online school, I decided to do the deed, while watching something on my room's TV. I was in my room and thought my mom was out shopping, so I just left my door semi-open. To my surprise my mom knocked on my door and quickly entered my room. She smirked, saw what was on the TV and said she had mail for me, and quickly left my room. Luckily she didn´t actually see me do it, but saw me pulling my shorts up, and what I was watching. And now I'm sitting in my room too embarassed to go out and confront her, I'm laughing not to cry, contemplationg my life choices. What should I do now? Should I say anything or pretend it did not happen. I've been almost caught a lot of times, but I am always very careful and aware of my surroundings, but i was 100% sure I was home alone TL;DR I was caught masturbating by my mom, ...

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna regret sharing this, but fuck it. Obligatory this didn’t happen today, but when I was a kid. When I was a kid, maybe ages 6 to 8 or so, I used to sneak in and try on my sister’s clothes and underwear. My mom’s too... but we’ll get there 🤦🏻‍♂️. For what it’s worth, cross dressing is not my fetish and I do not do this as an adult. I DO NOT DO THIS AS AN ADULT! It wasn’t even a fetish as a kid because I was 6 and didn’t know what the fuck a fetish or sex was... I was just a weird ass kid ok? Anyway, I once snuck into my sister’s closet and started trying stuff on. After trying a few things, eventually I got to the main event- a poofy red dress. I tried that bad boy on, but lo and behold, I got fucking stuck. While two years younger than sis, I was bigger than she was, and that shit didn’t fit. Being the super macho 6 year old I was, I immediately started crying. My sister heard me and came to investigate, and despite my best efforts to beg her not to enter th...

I just saw another story that reminded me of this one. Full disclosure: this happened a few days ago. Also, I'm on mobile and it's super late where I am, so sorry for any formatting or spelling mistakes! I had to call a government agency for my country a few days ago, and as part of the identity verification questions they asked me how old I am. In a moment of genius that would put Stephen Hawking to shame (/joke), I told the representative on the phone the wrong number. I almost immediately recognized my FU, then followed it up with, "Wait. No. That's not right. How old am I? Crap. Sorry." The rep then asked me way more identity verification questions than this agency normally does. I still don't think she was completely convinced about my identity by the end of the call. Tl;dr: forgot my own age while trying to verify my identity with the government. Had to jump through hoops to prove that I am me following that failure.

I'd always laugh at stories where people tried crazy things on the internet, thinking how stupid people can be. Oh how the tables have turned. Tldr; Tried to tie a skin tag, turned out to be a hemorrhoid. It started to rot, I feared for my life and tortured myself in the process of making it better. So I had this hemorrhoid(that I thought was a skin tag) right on the edge of my asshole. It was skin coloured, never itched nor bled, hence my assumption. If anything, it was just a bit annoying. I read that by tying off a skin tag, it dies and falls off on it's own. Great! Tying it with thread proved to be a difficult feat, so instead, I got a hair elastic, wrapped it around my fingers 4 times and slid it onto the 'skin tag'. Perfect. I went on with the rest of my day, extremely proud of my little secret. The next morning, I noticed it had turned red and a little swollen. It also started to hurt a little more. Thinking nothing of it, I left it alone. Later, it just ...

In 2019 I've been in China for my studies, and with some friends we downloaded the app Tan-Tan to date some girls. I talked with some, but one got my attention. With her, I talked about geopolitical and historical things, which was very interesting. But she quickly started talking about sex, and insisted to exchange some photos. That's not something I usually do, so I refused at first. She still sent me some, and even if she didn't show her face on those ones, and the background seemed to match with her Tan-Tan profile. She wasn't talking much about herself though, which I found weird. After some weeks of talking, I decided to finally send her some nudes. Our conversations were very interesting, so I decided to trust her. I proposed multiple times to meet her, but because she couldn't speak English at all, she always refused. In February, I had to come back to my country because of the Covid-19. Despite the distance, we continued talking. Again, we exchanged some n...

TL;DR NEVER EVER stay silent in a relationship if something is bothering you with your S/O - deal with it ASAP since the longer you keep quiet the worse it will get. Here's the situation My gf (well, now ex) are both 22. We've always been known as that cute couple from high school, since we've been dating for 3y6m. I've always been the quite and shy guy, while she's been Bossy and sometimes even rude towards me and our friends. I've usually stayed silent - swallowing it all, not really wanting to argue. I just tried to tell her about that subtly, but it didn't work. I tried telling her directly that her actions and just not nice & rude and disrespectful towards me and others but nope And two nights ago I was "late" home because I drove my friend to his house since it was pouring like mad (keep mind mind, both of us still live with our parents and are students) That was last straw and I couldn't keep it up anymore. She gave me a hard tim...

Obligatory, this happened last year, and my family still holds it against me. (TW: mentions of panic attack) My family and I have lived in our house for about 17 years, and every single year my parents have talked about fixing up the bathroom. It is a really old heritage-listed house, in a city with lots of other heritage-listed houses, and preserving the history of the city is very important to the citizens and the city council. Because of this, home renovations take a very long time to get approved, which is why we put off fixing the bathroom for a long time. It was unbelievably ugly, with a yellowing bath and shower, wallpaper on the walls that had been poorly painted over and was now cracking, and worst of all, one patterned tile in the centre of the room that not only differed from all the rest in colour, but was a different size too. It sucked. At the start of 2020, my parents decided to finally do something about it. They got a million quotes, found a fancy claw-foot tub, an...

TIFU ... well, the other day... still not quite right... So last weekend we were having a bbq with friends over, the first since lockdown ended in our country. My husband really gets a good thrill out of me doing things sexually in public so my kinky ass mind thought it would be a great idea to do something sexy for him... mistake number 1... So fast forward to the party, few drinks are flowing and we’re all having fun... and I get a little provocative when I’ve had a drink.. In my infinite wisdom I slink off upstairs and go to grab a toy... my lush... I look at it and realise it’s low on battery 😞. I then think, oh well I’ll just put a plug in and take a pic for him I decided to go for a big ass metal one which requires a lot of lube... mistake number 2 Without looking at the bottle I dump a load of lube on it and pop it in... no real complaints... take a pic and leave it in.. I then go back downstairs as if nothing is wrong... I walk over to the hubby... ask him to look at my...

Obligatory, this all happened last night and I’m still playing over the events in my head. I have a slight lactose sensitivity, some times it’s gas or sometimes it’s mild diarrhea, usually not too severe if symptoms present at all. Anyway, I had a fairly normal dinner of chicken, cheesy potatoes, and some salad. Decided to get some extra potatoes. While I was eating I was talking to a female friend who I’ve known for a few years. I think there’s been some interest between us, but we’ve never really been single at the same time to explore anything. She just moved into a new house and was saying how she wants to watch TV, but her dad is out of town so he hasn’t been able to do it and she’s having problems with getting her internet working properly. I, being handy and tech savvy offer to come over and help do that. I load up some tools and head over. I hang the tv, get the router setup, even bring some extra cables to make sure everything gets cabled up nice and neat. In the process, ...

My wife was in labor 1.5 months ago after several false alarms and a baby whose heart rate frequently dipped in concerning ways. Losing the baby was a real possibility and labor started in full 3 weeks early. The baby was not positioned correctly and was very uncooperative during labor. A couple of times the heart rate dipped below 80 when it should stay above 120. The doctors were getting more and more concerned with the health of the baby as labor progressed and stress levels increases. Pushing started getting difficult and baby was showing more signs of stress so we started discussing alternative options. Wife: worst case scenario is I get a c section. Me: actually, worst case scenario is that you both die. Until then I've never had two women (wife and nurse) give me The Look at the same time. TL;DR I brought up the very real possibility of my wife dying during childbirth....DURING CHILDBIRTH. Side note: baby is 1.5 months old and mom and baby are both happy and healthy ...

I'm still cringing as I think about it and my husband is still laughing so here goes: Kiddo has been picked up by grandpa for the day so husband and I decide to run a few errands and order food for ourselves, we get home to eat and generally enjoy some quiet time. We both finish eating, so I turn to him and try to be jokingly seductive because we are Alone. You know that study about getting pandas horny with Marvin Gaye? Well my dumbass turned to him and asked if we should turn some Marvin Gaye on and make sweet passionate love, as couples do. Naturally he's just 100% done with me being weird, but I still didn't stop there. Instead, I double down and say "you know, like how they turn Marvin Gaye on to get pandas horny?" This man just looks at me and goes "what the fuck babe" and in that moment I remember that my husband is an Asian man and my soul left my body. He's laughing hard and I'm backpedaling so hard, tears are in my eyes, so now we ar...

Yey! Long weekend! Let’s go play! Or, so we thought... So here I am getting all of the toys and equipment ready to go play, all 20k lbs of it. After a super long day at work I came home and got the hitch equipment together and hooked everything up to the truck. I have one of those super hitches with an extension to clear the cab over camper. By the time I was done hooking everything to the truck it was late I was tired so I cleaned up, slid the ball into the end of the extension then headed inside. The next day... Come home around noon, put the last minute stuff in the camper, hooked up the trailer, loaded the kiddos and the doggos, and off we went! Until, the first intersection. Light turns green I hit the throttle and then a little bump in the middle of the intersection. !!!!!!BAM!!!!!! The ball falls out of the end of the extension in the middle of the intersection. It’s one of those B&W adjustable drop balls. The chains were crossed and helped girdle the whole mess. The...

Today, I managed to fuck up beyond all fuck ups. I got home after a pretty busy night shift, threw myself into bed and woke up 45 minutes later to “it’s time for little mans meds” So I think I wake up straight away but I don’t. It takes me another 10/15 minutes to finally crawl outta bed. I go down the stairs, set up 3 syringes. 1 at 0.3ML (meds) 1 at 3ML (meds) And one at 10ml (water for flush) I go upstairs, stop my sons constant feeding tube, plop the meds in, flush in between and a flush at the end. I hit the sack and get woken up 10 Minutes later to.. “Did you put 3ML of this medicine in one of the syringes?” “No, 0.3ML” I say. “No, you put 3ML” So I get up and go and check, fuck! I’ve done 3.3ML of the SAME MEDICINE!!! Little dudes only supposed to take 0.3ML 2x daily! So I call an ambulance, they arrive 25 minutes later, to my sons mom breaking down, I’m breaking down. I think I’ve killed my youngest kid, even though he’s in his moms arms with a smirk on his face. The am...

Kinda a 1-2 punch really. The first is the most obvious that comes with a hot wing challenge the second is a mistake I will never forget or make again. Backstory: I am a male (will come into play later) and I have always had a competitive side. Man vs Food is one of my favorite shows and I have always wanted to complete a hot wing challenge. I have searched for them all over and finally had the right opportunity to complete one on our way back home from vacation in South Florida. The wings were made with red pepper flakes, jalapeno peppers (2,500-10,000 Scoville units), cayenne peppers (25,000-50,000 Scoville units), habanero peppers (100,000-350,000 Scoville units), ghost peppers (750,000-100,000 Scoville units), and an extract that is twice as hot as ghost peppers so about 2 million Scoville units (pepper spray is in this range). So at this point, the question of why in the world would I want to do this was in my head and was being verbally expressed by my family. But I ignored bo...

Obligatory: this happened a couple of days ago, but I am currently paying the price for it. First, some background. Last Friday (9 days ago), my fiancé had a stomach bug. One of those 24-hour deals. He felt miserable, but a day of rest with lots of fluids, medicine, and the BRAT diet kept the unpleasantries to a minimum. From my perspective, that is, because all I had to do was fetch the meds and drinks. It’s been a hell of a week. It involved living out of a hotel room with a relative, none of our personal belongings, and a couple of dogs. We finally made it back to a house where we have our own private room on Thursday night, and needless to say we were both very excited about that. Things got a little hot and heavy, and it was hard to care that neither of us had a decent shower in a couple of days. Both our tongues ended up somewhere better judgment might’ve stopped us from sticking them. Fast forward two days to Saturday (last night). I’m not feeling so good after some pizza. ...

Long one here, feel free to skip to the bottom. After reading a story on this sub I was reminded of something from my past that I think is now laughable. It wasn’t then. In high school, my brother passed. This happened at the beginning of the school year, and the fucks quickly went out the window. I skipped class, school, faked doctor’s notes, etc. One day this girl was staring at me, and despite being a gorgeous girl, my brain decided that “what the fuck are you looking at” was the appropriate response. And due to my state of mind at the time, I didn’t much care. A week later, she comes up to my locker and hands me a picture of two eyes delicately drawn in absurd detail. She said “I just wanted you to know you have beautiful eyes and I can tell there’s something special behind them”. Huh. Last week I told you to fuck off. This week you made me smile for the first time since my little brother died. I asked to take her on a date, and boy did I have no idea what I was getting myself int...

So I'm sitting opposite an attractive and funny woman I met on tinder. The conversation is flowing, we've just discussed movies and we're having a laugh. It comes up in conversation that my father is Dutch. She asks me if he's a crazy Dutch guy and if I've inherited any crazy Dutch traits. "Oh yeah", I say without hesitation. "I totally eat my own skin flakes." Blank stare. "I carry them around with me." Nervous laughter. Looks over my shoulder. That's when the penny drops. She didn't get the joke because she hasn't seen Austin Powers. Cue very awkward explanation and very weird call backs throughout the night to eating skin flakes. The date ended with her saying I'm "interesting". Pretty sure I'll end up alone with permanent cringe lines on my face. TL;DR made a spectacularly weird movie reference during a first date that ended with us both being grossed out.

I don’t normally get high but I wanted to try these edibles I ordered online to help with my sleep. It’s about 6pm, I eat one. Nothing happens. I eat two, nothing. Stupid me thinking this was a waste of money decided to eat 6 edibles altogether. Fuck it right, shit ain’t working, but still taste pretty good. Cue to about an hr later, I’m lying in bed starting to trip the fuck out. This is far from feeling relaxed; I try to stand but can’t. I feel dizzy. My heart’s racing. Each breathe is feeling heavier. I’m having an out of body experience. I get up to splash water in my face. Doesn’t help. The thought of cutting myself to feel the pain crossed my mind. Anything to feel alive. Instead, I find myself sitting on the stairs of our apartment building shirtless with just my underwear on, feeling the cold air to relax me. All I’m remembering is this stupid Joe Rogan podcast where I heard him say some people never come back from a high, fearing this is what’s happening to me. My girlfrie...

The context of this story is crucial because it made it so much worse: we were supposed to leave for a weekend trip to Chattanooga for Memorial Day this morning after breakfast. While my wife finished packing her bag, I was given the task to drop our dog off with his food and leash to my MIL for the long weekend. I offered to take our girls (ages 3 and 7) in the car with me for the short round-trip to give my lady some space while packing. Not 100 yards from our house on our dead-end road I saw a small turtle in the road, maybe five inches (12 cm) in length. We aren’t really near a body of water and I assume it was a young eastern box turtle, which sometimes trek all the way up here. My oldest LOVES turtles, snakes, and frogs, so I told her to hop out and bring it in the car so we could rehome it at Mimi’s — they have a little neighborhood pond. My daughter starts to get it into the car and immediately I get hit with the smell. It sure doesn’t smell like the box turtles or red eared...

Obligatory this happened a little while ago, but I've just now been able to look my apartment manager in the eye again since it happened. TL;DR at the bottom. I have a very good 5 year old staffy cross. He's smart as a whip and I love dog training, so we work on a lot of (mostly silly) tricks together. We've been working on several body positioning tricks, so I recently taught him "middle", which means he walks behind me and plants himself between my legs. He picked it up quick and I patted myself on the back for my incredible dog training ability. And this, friends, is where hubris took another victim. We live in an apartment complex, and the apartment manager LOVES my dog. She always gives him treats so he thinks she's a goddess. As usual, we ran into her on our morning walk and headed into the leasing office for his treats. Then my beautiful dog, loving treats and desperate to please the goddess dispensing them, decided to earn his treat that day by sho...

So my mom called me the other day and said that she is gonna go get divorce papers and I was so happy for her. Her husband is a horribly jealous douche bag and the marriage has been falling apart for years and eventho she isn't a great person eighter it rly sucks to see her so unhappy. So I am rly exited so I call my friend who I have been talking abt this before and start the phone call by saying "Guess who's getting divorce papers tomorrow!". There's a rly awkward silence and I have no idea why. My friend doesn't say anything and is like: "are u ok?". I am so confused at this point. Until I realize. Wait.. I am married. SHE THINKS THAT I AM GETTING A DIVORCE? HOLY SHIT. I scramble to explain myself and everything is fine now but I am absolutely mortified. I gave my friend a heart attack for no reason. 🤦🏻 TL;DR: I forgot I was married and made my friend think me and my husband are getting divorced by wording things badly.

Mobile user, so please excuse any formatting errors. You can probably guess how this goes. So, my family and I like to go tubing at this one campground that has tubing as an excursion thing. You get on a bus, drive about 15 or so minutes away, and float back to the campground. So me, being the stupid 17-year-old I am, decide that, since it's such a nice, sunny day, I'm going to take this opportunity to finally get rid of that terrible farmer's tan that I have. Before we get in, my mom tells me about three times to put on sunscreen. But no mom! I am a grown man and I can make my own stupid decisions! Fast forward about 2 hours, at the end of the river and I am feeling it. All the way down my legs and all the way down my arms. Absolutely burning. I attempt to stay in the nice, cool waters of the river for a while, but no dice! It only begins to get worse. By now, (about 8 hours later) there is no comfortable way for me to sit. I can't wear pants or sleeves. Aloe vera wor...

So today we went out and had planned to confirm my ring size at Zales via me trying to see if a current ring could be sized. Sales guy confirmed my size and let me know multiple times that the ring I had couldn’t be resized. My boyfriend tells me to go shop. I call my best friend as I’m losing my shit at whatever shop I went into. Well I calm down and focus on the task at finding new clothes for a job I start Tuesday. We meet up and I probe if he found anything. He jokes that he just dropped 5k and then says no, I didn’t buy anything today. I’m gullible enough to believe him. And then after lunch it occurs to me that since he’s still shopping, I should let him know what to avoid since we never actually had the conversation. (Context: I was married once before and it was a terrible relationship/marriage. I simply wanted whatever he got to be completely new and unique like our relationship. I have no beef with the style of stone and quite like it actually.) So I casually bring up the t...

(throwaway for obvious reasons)I[18f] was sleeping peacefully one night, when an ungodly urge provoked me. In a panicked, ice cold sweat, mists of both fear and confusion spewed from my breath. Then, I felt it. A thundering roar preceded by a desperate bleat.. All coming from the deepest pits of my stomach. It was then that I realized, in a panicked craze, that I had to shit... and badly . I waddled over to the bathroom, as quickly as my stubby, tired legs could carry me. I was on a payload mission, and I only had 2 minutes to complete it. I plopped myself down on the toilet out of desperation. Days worth of unloaded shit spewed down into the murky waters below. It was the culmination of everything that I had to deal with that previous week, embodied by the fragrance of my waste... and it was over before it even started. My ass was sore . I attempted in desperation to flush.. instead, the wrath of the toilet screeched out at me. I knew this was going to be huge.. but nothing could ...

Edit: I get off work at 11pm and had to pick my son up from my sister. So last night after work, my oldest child decided he wanted pizza. It was 11:30 and all the stores in our town close at 11. So I decided to order a pizza from a local pizza place. They deliver until 12:30am but stop pickup at 8:40 so delivery it is. I waited about 30 minutes and it wasn’t there yet so I hopped in the shower. Of course the pizza showed up while I was in the shower. So my 9 year old answered the door. He didn’t say much to my son except told him to have a good night and then my son closed the door. At 12:30am the police knocked on my door and informed me that the pizza delivery guy assumed my son was home alone since he answered the door. I told the police officer I was just in the shower and he knew the pizza was coming so he answered the door. I apologized. The officer was kind and said he was just checking and he was glad it was just a misunderstanding. TL;DR: ordered a pizza, had my 9 year old ...

This happened this morning. Also, this might be pretty gross to some, or many. Probably all. So I woke up this morning and grabbed my phone to scroll Reddit while in bed for a bit before actually getting up. I rolled onto my back, face up, with my neck bent and my phone resting on my chest. Usually when Rosie (the aforementioned cat) hears me moving in the morning she knows she can extort me for pets so she comes-a-runnin. And when I lay on my back she loves to loaf on my chest. Well I was already scrolling Reddit when she got to me so she plopped down on my chest right behind my phone and started rubbing her head on my hand/phone. I was petting her with my other other hand but she’s a needy cat and clearly that wasn’t enough. So after a minute or two I put my phone down and started petting her with two hands. To her this meant “come closer,” so she crawled closer and started investigating/smelling my face. I said “good morning” to her and she responded “good meowning” back, as she...

Many moons ago, probably about 10 years and possibly while we were still dating, my wife (30F) and I (32M) were ordering Chinese food. I used to get sweet & sour pork, and she would get something different every time, but always with an order of crab rangoon. Now, I am and always have been a plain (not picky) eater, and my wife certainly knew that at the time of the story. Once, I asked her what crab rangoons were, and she said "Oh, no, you wouldn't really like them." I, being a trusting guy, said "OK." I have since moved on to Bourbon chicken as my main course, but always wondered what could be so good about the crab rangoons to make her get them each time, yet so bad that I wouldn't enjoy them. So one evening shortly before lockdown last year, we were having Chinese food with friends, and I asked a friend what was in them. She said it's basically just cream cheese, so I decided "screw it" and grabbed one. The crispiness, creaminess, sw...

Surprisingly this was a TIFU today. This trip was long coming, my wife and I planned for months this trip. Her grandmother and grandfather are getting old and we needed to plan the trip to go and see them. The whole vacation started out normal, eating and talking, spending time together like we should. However tonight was when the horrific event took place. We had dinner for my oldest (7), he got a little birthday celebration and a fun time. The wine and conversation was flowing. As the night carried on it turned into hard alcohol. More drinks, more talk. The kids settled down and wondered off to bed. But the fun times comminuted. At one point I went to check on them and went to the bathroom. Here is when it went south. The house is old and didn’t have an actual lock on the bathroom, so I closed the door and did my business. Half way through my GIL walked in and saw me standing there, wang in hand and just wrapping up. She turned bright red and slammed the door I quickly though...

I read a post about a guy giving his girlfriend a chin hickey and it brought back this memory. From 2005-2009 I was in the Air Force. My job was Security Forces, which is the base law enforcement/security. I was at a smallish base on the night shift. Not much happened during the day, and even less happened at night. There was a lot of boredom at all the posts. This particular night I was an alpha on a patrol unit. Basically that means I sat in the passenger seat of a patrol car while the lead drove around and we tried to kill 12 hours. Sometime during the night I found a random suction cup in the car. It had probably fallen off of something that was intended to stick to the windshield. Being completely bored, I declared it was my squishy and stuck it to the middle of my forehead. It felt weird so I kept doing it. Any post we rolled up to, I would have that thing stuck to my forehead because I thought I was funny. I got some weird looks and comments but that was about it. Later in ...

TIFU So I don’t do group messaging much and have seen all the posts of how it can go wrong quick. I have been very conscious not to say something stupid, but Saturday morning munchies got me. I get up earlier than my wife and usually go to the living room for the morning blunt. I’m feeling a little hungry and know she takes forever to get ready (most typed phrase ever) so I thought I would text wake her up. I sent her “Waffle F@/$ing House”. This was the plan. All the sudden my wife yells back my full name except my middle name is replaced with the previous obscenity. Then my mom calls. Yep. I sent that text to my wife alright, and my mom and all her old lady church and retirement community friends in a sweet group message where my mom shared a picture of her new dog. So there’s just a picture of this weird dog and “Waffle F@/$ing House! Now of course are apologizing texts from my wife, my mom, and I. Old ladies aren’t saying anything. TLDR—Smoked morning blunt. Tried to text my wife...

So, I fucked up. I work at a warehouse, won’t disclose which exact one but I can tell you it’s named after a famous river. Anyway, they have a rule here, that if you go over 6 minutes between scans, you accrue “time off task,” if you reach 2 total hours of time off task... you get fired. I’d just gotten a warning a week ago like “hey your TOT is a bit high, just make sure you’re not spending too much time fucking around.” Now, I need this job, so I decided yk, if I gotta go I’ll just hold it in until my break. On paper, good policy. In practice, this theory falls apart. Anyway I came back to work today, and I’ve been having diarrhea these past few days, so I took a shit right as I got to work before I clocked in. Some time passes, I take my break, I come back from break and I got that feeling in your stomach like “oh yeah I’m gonna have to shit soon.” So, I figured what I was feeling was a fart, so I just yk, let it go. My god. There, in the middle of the warehouse, a small amou...

Today I ordered what I call the “lonely girl” special of a small tuna pizza and marmite scrolls and waited for it to arrive by dancing around my living room to Carly Rae Jepsen (fight me). When the pizza arrived I freaked out that it wasn’t the normal delivery guy, a short bald guy with a big nose and a voice like Darth Vader after a meth binge. It was a girl about my age with gorgeous curly hair, a tight butt and one of the prettiest faces I’ve ever seen. Anyway I fucked up once I’d opened the door and taken the pizza because I’d meant to ask “Can I tip you?” Because I always like to check someone’s comfortable about taking coins. Instead, in my brain’s confused (read:instantly horny) state, I managed to bungle out.. “Can I tit you?” Not content with that, I panicked and swore in shock. So, in a sequence of words that are now burned into my brain.. “Can I tit you? Fuck, no, tip! Fuck. Can I tip you?” She laughed (I think nervously) and said no thanks, she didn’t like touching c...

A few months ago, I had a yeast infection so of course I bought the cream that comes with the applicators. I got over it quickly and put the medicine away in the medicine cabinet. It came in a white tube with blue stripes on it. For years I have been using acne medication. I put it on after every shower and gently pat it into my face. I keep it in my medicine cabinet and it comes in a white tube with blue stripes on it. You probably figured out what's gonna happen now. For the past week I've been breaking out and couldn't figure out why. Like huge pimples which ache and throb. I got worried. Was I suddenly allergic to something? Were my pillowcases dirty? Did my medicine stop working? The last option seemed to be the most likely, so I took it out to check the expiration date and make sure it wasn't that before calling the doctor. Guys... I've been putting the yeast infection medication on my face for at least a week. I don't know how/why I didn't know t...

The cup is old but the tea is fresh(A metaphor for a good ol' online class mess up). I(19M) was a little sleepy today running on about 3 hours of sleep in a theory class. The teacher doesn't require us to switch on our video(there's still remote classes in my uni) all the time, thankfully. Although, there's a good chance you might get called out for only answering during the attendance and not participating in the discussions or answering questions. So I did, I answered a couple of questions that were asked and sat back. This doesn't bother me cause I don't mind the theory that much and I usually participate in the class. Although, my sleep got the best of me today. It was just too boring to handle. So I started scrolling Reddit, Instagram, messing with my phone etc. I saw a post on one of the suggested subs saying something about "Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven(I'm not sure)". And then it struck me. My brain decided to recall a song that I used ...

No, this isn't a gross golden showers post that some of you were hoping for. This actually happened a few days ago. I bought a few steaks from a local butcher and planned to surprise my wife with a gourmet grilled lunch the next day. (Both working from home) I fired up the grill, seasoned the steaks, prepped some new potatoes and fresh asparagus. Everything was spot on aside from the asparagus which I slightly overcooked. My wife was thrilled, but only had a piece or two of asparagus. I wasn't about to let it go to waste so I ate the rest. An hour or so later I had to leave for a doctors appointment, just a general check-up. My doctor does all her usual tests, then hands me a plastic cup. She's finished, but wants a urine sample. This particular doctors office is quite large and has numerous doctors under one roof. They share a laboratory, waiting room and a bathroom which is next to the waiting room. Unfortunately the bathroom is also down a really long hallway from ...

Alright, I'm just gonna jump into it. I'm a horny, horny, horny, person. I sometimes watch porn, I enjoy the content, I enjoy the plot. I'm a bisexual person, I love both men and women. I sometime switch it out, gay porn, straight porn. This night I was feeling hella gay. I pulled my pants down and was about to beat the living fuck out of my cock. As I was tagging my junk, I thought. "What if I grab my old toothbrush and use it on myself." That's what I did. I went to the bathroom with my pants down, I don't know why I didn't pull them up. I got the toothbrush. "It's go time" I said. I went to my room, went on my bed with toothbrush in hand, pulled up gay porn on my phone. I started shoving the toothbrush up my ass, it was feeling good. I thought about my ass bleeding but I didn't care. I kept doing it, I was enjoying it. Till my fucking mom busted in my door, saw me with toothbrush in ass, I was caught red handed, I fucked myself. M...

So blah blah, this happened 6 years ago, blah blah. When I was in my apprenticeship to become an electrician I got put onto a pretty big construction job for a pretty big company. We were a sub contractor that did all the work getting the site offices wired in and data lines in, but also ended up doing a lot of other work because it was easier getting us our work permit than getting their sparkies to get jobs done (IDK, shit was real weird with their sparkies) Some back story is that the company was (unbeknownst to us) courting my Journeyman for a job. Some other back story is that I fucking love MDMA and it makes me feel amazing. (Although I’ve only ever taken it ten times in my lifetime) So this one Saturday night I’m at my best friends’ for a party and it’s going well, I stop drinking at 8 o clock because I’m being picked up at 5 the next morning to go up to site. It’s a fucking awesome night as always and then my mate’s girlfriend’s sister comes up to me and hands me a wadded ...

Saw a post about snow birds flooding Florida in winter and reminded me of this story. Some back story; this happened years ago, I was 12 and we had just moved into a new apartment complex near the beach since my older sister was moving back in with my mom and I. I had a small dog (jack Russell terrier) that I always took walks everywhere. Now to the fuck up. I was walking my dog around the new complex, getting a feel for the area seeing if anyone else my age was around to hang out. I did this daily, but never really saw anyone beside the older neighbors staring. I ended up sitting by the pool when this older lady comes up and starts talking to me. She begins telling me she's the apartments manager and to make sure I'm picking up after my dog everywhere we go because the snow birds are beginning to come down and she doesn't want dog shit everywhere. Confused by what she meant I showed her my dog bags and agreed I was picking up after my dog. After she left I started thi...

I’m listening to the second book I’m the First Law book series and it gets to a part when two characters are having a hilariously awkward sex scene. I’m listening to this while on my way to pick up a pizza and call for them to come out with my curbside pickup. Unfortunately, when I hung up, the book started playing and I didn’t pause it in time. Context: delivery person is a pretty blonde and there are three women sitting at a table nearby the parking spot. Just as I open the window to accept the order, my car’s speakers helpfully announce “As he pulled his soggy cock out” at loud volume. I frantically hit my car’s pause button but that doesn’t work. I press the power button for the speakers but it’s too late. I didn’t see my server’s face but I heard the women at the table laugh uproariously. Well, at least they got a laugh. TLDR: didn’t pause my audiobook at a sex scene. Now my regular pizza place thinks I’m a pervert.

Yes, this happened today. My (14YO) daughter is still doing remote learning for school, with a nice space in the basement and her own iMac. Over the past year that she's been in remote learning we’ve developed a routine. Shortly before she wakes up I make her breakfast, she goes into the basement and checks into school, I bring her breakfast down to her and go back upstairs, and then about 20 minutes later when I’m ready to leave for work I come downstairs, give her a goodbye hug (while she’s in virtual homeroom), and leave for work. Today was no different — until. She was tired because she was up late the night before so as I’ve done countless times before I gave her a goodbye hug from behind. She gave my arm a squeeze in return and, a few seconds later, let go. I started to let go but realized immediately something was wrong as she flopped to the side. I caught her before she could fall but she hit the tray with her breakfast which dropped to the floor; dishes shattered, eggs...