greenmangostudio

Ok, this happened about 14hrs ago. Some background, it's summer here in Australia. Yesterday was 40c (104 in the old money) and NYE. Second piece of background info... I have a chronic form of Leukeamia that I'm in treatment for. No, it's ok! I'm not dying, at least not for a long time yet but it does make life pretty shit sometimes! It also means that because of treatment I have virtually NO immune system (Neutropenia) Anyway, we went out to the movies yesterday and left the AC running as we have two dogs and a cat... One of the dogs is a husky. When we get home, the AC says it's on but it's a sauna inside. The husky is looking a little worse for wear. I go outside to check on the main unit and notice the motor and pipes are all iced over. I figure it must be the filter inside. But surely not... We just moved into this house and it was noted on the inspection checklist that the filter was replaced. Sure enough, the filter is black. I held it up to the light...

So basically my wife is from California I’m from Indiana. We were going to go visit her family but wanted the cheapest tickets possible so I drove to Saint Louis and fly to Vegas and connect to San Diego. The trip there was stressful to say the least with my 5 month old baby and wife that is over tired and stressed about seeing her family. They haven’t seen us since the baby was born. I’m California we were happy that we got there with semi minimal complications and enjoyed our time eating good food. Well the day we are supposed to leave comes and we are packed and ready to go. But our first connecting flight got canceled due to Covid, no big deal let’s just take a bus to Vegas it’s only a couple hour drive and only sets us back 130$. We’ll the bus was late over an hour then took almost 8 hours of driving to get to Vegas. Once we arrive we get a picture from her mom of my car key. Left in the room when we left in a hurry. So I start calling locksmiths to see if I can have a copy mad...

Somehow this story only happened roughly an hour ago. My husband and I have two dogs, a big golden retriever and smaller corgi mix. They are sometimes inseparable and love getting into a LOT of trouble together. Tonight, the big doofus decided to chase a deer in our fully fenced in yard. Poor thing couldn't get out as she ran from him. Of course my husband tried bringing him in to no avail. Finally, we got him to reluctantly go back inside. We decided to put him to bed early as he wouldn't not listen to either of us. Fuel to the disaster that had yet to strike. Our other usually lovely corgi mix was happily listening to us and overall enjoying life. We allowed him to roam the house as he had earned our trust and was been a very good boy. How we were so very, very wrong. I should also mention that we have a robot vacuum cleaner that runs twice a day and does a pretty good job with the golden retriever hair. I'm sure you can sense where this is going. I've seen the stor...

To the young woman working the counter at the gas station, I am sorry. I am running on three hours of sleep and was very irrated that the old dude infront of me was taking forever to pay for his shit and move on. I started to notice he was asking you intrusive questions such as... "Where are you from?" Here "Here? I've never seen you around before, how long have you lived here?" My whole life. "How long has that been?" I am unsure what you said to this but I'm pretty positive your answer to this was below the age he was hoping for (18) because you look very young. But his reaction... "WOW. No I don't believe you." Then homie says bye and taps on your covid glass to get your attention for him to say bye. BUT he forgets to pay and your coworker had started talking to you so you didn't realize. He went to the bathroom and you rang my drinks up with his stuff and that's when we realized he didn't pay. The other clerk...

It’s been such a nice Christmastime up until now. We got both of our families together, our parents met for the first time, and everyone’s been getting on wonderfully. What could possibly ruin this? My boyfriend’s dad is a lovely man who moved away to Spain a few years ago. He was telling us all about his hometown, the same place where he grew up, and it sounded beautiful. My mum asked if she could find some photos online. Drunk on familial harmony, I grabbed my Mac and handed it over so he could Google it, and show us a few results on image search. We have the Mac synced to our living room TV, so he sat on the sofa and the whole family gathered round to see. As he started typing in the search bar, I didn’t realise my mistake until he was two letters in, and it was already too late. Google helpfully and dutifully provided some suggestions from my recently visited webpages, including the rather descriptive titles to go along with each one. And dear god, he’s a lovely man, but I’ve ...

A few years ago, I was in the USA and flicking through the channels on the TV in the hotel, I saw a drama with Adam Driver in it. Having recently seen him in Star Wars, I was curious to see him in something else. Turns out it was the HBO comedy-drama Girls ). That particular episode had him furiously masturbating on the opposite end of a sofa to one of said girls (Jessa - Jemima Kirke). I was hooked. For those of you who haven't seen it, it revolves around the lives of some young women in New York. It's a bit like Sex And The City but they're less attractive and not as wealthy. They made 6 series (60 episodes in all) and there's quite a bit of sex/nudity in it. They film it pretty raw so when a couple are fucking, they're both properly naked, not just wriggling around under some sheets. One of the fairly major characters is the room-mate of the main protagonist, a gay man called Elijah (Andrew Rannells). At the time, I was doing a lot of flying around the US so d...

The mistake isn't one of just today, it's one that's been going on for about 3.5 years. I(male) have been fairly financially independent for about 5 years now. Due to my monthly income, I also just don't check my bank account since I know the money will be there for all the things I would buy since I don't live too extravagant a life. I met my wife(Female) a little over 3.5 years ago. Before I met her, I was subscribed to a few people on a fans site totaling about $250 a month. Once I started dating my now wife, I stopped going to that site and totally forgot about all the subscriptions I had there. Last couple days, I've been helping a friend figure out how to go about starting and maximizing on an account on the fans site, and getting more people there, and figuring out a niche. While doing research I stumbled upon my old account, and realized that I was still subscribed to all those accounts. Upon discovering it, I went through and cancelled all the subsc...

TIFU: Obligatory this happened a few months back as obviously I have been recovering for a while When I was around 13, I started getting a ringing in my ear, severe ringing, it kept me up constantly as it was like having a radio out of frequency at all times inside my head. I did a bit of googling and decided on the fact that it was tinnitus, maybe a bit too much loud music when I was little, I wasn't sure, just had to deal with it. Fast forward a couple years, must have been around 15, this was when I realised something was wrong, I was coming up 16 and yet I hadn't hit puberty whatsoever, no hair on legs, no pubes, never shaved in my life, no armpit hair, and I was around 5ft exactly, as a 15 year old male. I know my whole family knew something was up, as we were constantly back and forward to GP's, ear infections, migraines, vision issues the lot. The main turning point was the nightmares, now I'm not talking the nightmares where you have a bad dream, wake yourse...

Pretty much the title. I also learned that drop bears aren't even reals, they are an australian crypto. Who the hell invented an enormous carnivorous koala? That's nuts. I was looking for a video where a koala was dropped off a tree by another bigger one, and starts crying (it seems evil, but I stumbled upon it some time ago and I told a coworker that they cry like a child, and she wanted to hear it). Anyway, I was searching it on YouTube typing "dropbear crying". I clicked on the second video. It was about how you should wear protective gear when you touch a dropbear. I thought it was a bit extreme since koalas don't seem really aggressive, but whatever. They're still animals, so it makes sense. Near the end of the video, lo and behold, it was revealed it was just a prank. Because, you know, fucking dropbears aren't real. That's pretty much it. I was also an English tutor in high school, and I clearly remember correcting some of my students on th...

Tl;dr by accident I made my husbands loud speaker blast "what you know bout rollin down in the deep", five times, while his aunt's casket was being lowered into the ground. Outside of typical tifu fashion, this actually just happened and now I'm terrified to see my in laws again. Our house has been an absolute WRECK ever since Christmas and today I decided to remedy that. My husband on the otherhand had to attend the funeral of his great Aunt who just passed from covid (the second great aunt in a month). I'm in my grind and my teenage attitude 6 year old is whining because she is just sooooooo bored and doesn't want to play with her 2yr old brother or watch tv or play with the million other things she got over the holidays. I'm elbows deep in the dirty dish mountain and I've had enough and ask what she wants me to do about her severe boredom. She says she wants to listen to music, specifically one song that she has been obsessed with recently. I...

As is tradition round here this happened many moons ago when my now fiancée and I first started dating. Back then one of my theories on dating was the idea that an open palate and a willingness to try new and exotic foods correlated to being an open minded individual; something I was looking for in a partner. Everything from spicy Thai and Indian to sushi and Vietnamese coagulated animal jello blocks were on the table so to speak. This particular FU happend as many do; on a Sunday morning after drinking way too much the night before. We got up and decided that coffee alone would not be enough to get us through this haze of poor life choices. Thankfully one of the upsides of living in a Hispanic neighborhood is there is a taco shop typically within stumbling distance in any direction. Pick a cardinal direction and walk on. I knew of one close by that focused on goat dishes, I love goat, and we headed that way. She was not excited to try goat seeing as this was right in the time of th...

Okay, so my girlfriend and I have been occasionally having anal sex as we’re finding it can be very enjoyable and fun if all the prep work actually happens correctly. Over the past 2 years we’ve slowly been trying different ways to prep for it. For awhile it was just a small handheld water douche, we found using that once or twice before having sex gave us almost no issues most of the time. Unfortunately though, sometimes this method wasn’t fool proof and after some good lengthy bump’n my dick didn’t have a clean pull out. So that being said, we looked online to essentially find ways to give us the “professional porn” results you see in videos. (And honestly, I still have no idea how the hell they have such a clean anus) Anyways, we found this shower head attachment that was basically a butt plug with 5 holes on it to allow water through (4 on the sides and 1 hole centred at the top). So we did our usual routine with the handheld water douche to help drop some potatoes in the croc...

I was playing ' Cats are Cute ' where you build a town full of houses for unique cats. The town is nestled between a forest and a lake. The space between the forest and lake expand as you add the kitty houses. As a part of the game a cat will pay 'hide and seek' where you look for a paw or tail sticking out of one of the trees in the forest. After a while you get animal friends like a Corgi that walks the streets. It is cute, easily living up to its name. I got my wife to start playing it. I jokingly convinced her that you get a bonus prize if you build a lakefront house. She kept building towards the moving lake to the point where the game glitched. The map became huge. The 'hide and seek' game now encompassed many acres of forest and became almost impossible to win. The Corgi glitched off of the streets and was wandering randomly in the forest. Oh the poor little lost Corgi! She spent her in-game grinding currency on moving the houses back into a normal pat...

As simple as the title says(happened earlier today) I went straight up to withdraw cash from a near home ATM and put some gas on the car at some point between that moment cash from my wallet vanished. I obviously went back my steps to check were or when or how did this happened, but right now I'm totally out of sorts. Don't know how to tell my wife I lost it and can't sleep just thinking about it.and since this cash was sent to my account by my father because he knew we(my family) have been struggling this past months it makes it even worse.I honestly don't know if this is the right place to post this but I needed to express it some how cause my family doesn't diserve this,thanks for the time to read this,and if there is any typo,I'm sorry this isn't my first language More a lurker than a poster here so,If you ever lost cash like me, I totally feel you. Wish you all a happy new year TL;DR. I lost cash my new year's dinner is messed up and don't...

I had my inlaws in town for a few days and the weather turned cold and snowy so we have been stuck inside now for awhile. My in laws are from Florida and I could tell they were starting to get overran by the gloominess that Washington can bring in the winter. I (34 M) decided, hey why don't we do a game night? Everyone seemed on board, so my wife and I decided to introduce exploding kittens to her parents. Everything was going great, we were slow playing the hands to get the parents used to the rules. My wife's father seemed to grasp the concept of the game rather quickly, winning the first 3 games after an open hand. My wife is not one for losing, and started complaining that we we're all targeting her to lose first and that her dad keeps on winning. Here comes the FU. Her dad went to grab another beer, and me being a few beers in myself said to my wife and her step mom, " Hey, we should all gang bang Phil". Obviously I meant to say let's gang up on Phil but...

So for a bit of back story I live with my parents, I'm 18 and they are quite religious, they don't believe in a lot of things, especially masturbateion. And are like hawks around me, the only place I can get privacy is by leaving the house or by going to the bathroom. I'm lucky though because my bathroom fan is quite loud so it drowns out a lot of noise. This along with various other reasons I prefer to You know in the bathroom. Anyways I recently bought a new bullet vibrator and I wanted to try it out so I slipped into the bathroom when the were downstairs, I pulled my panties down and sat on the toilet, I was enjoying using it for about half an hour edging and holding until it came for my release, I moved as to squirt right into the toilet as I flushed to drown out as much noise as possible, until I forgot where My bullet was set, I heard a plop of it hitting the water followed by it hitting the bottom and making quite a racket as it was still on and is water proof I...

Getting down with this guy I’m seeing and things start ramping up. I’m on my stomach, he’s on top of me and and as I lay down I realize that I should have peed first. Unfortunately it was too late and 15 seconds in I could feel what only could be described as a snow plow trying to go through a chunk of ice. Things are uncomfortable at this point, (which is normal for me with initial penetration) and I’m like “okay just relax your muscles and think about the masterpiece of a man that you are with.” Two-ish minutes go by and I’m still having trouble. It felt like a mix between feeling that my bladder is being knocked around like a volleyball, and the occasional cervix fist-bump all while partly aroused; I had to call it quits. I give my body approximately a minute and a half to calm down and then I make my way to the bathroom. I sit down and it takes a solid 50 seconds for me to even start trying to pee through cramping, burning and the inability to pee because I’m still aroused. I unle...

This happened a few months ago. I work from home due to covid. During lunch break I really wanted to eat waffles but I don't have a waffle iron. My parents have one so I drove to their place. I often lunch at their house cause it's a welcome pause from my own place and my 3 dogs (little ones) live there as well. So I took the waffle iron out of the kitchen cabinet, put it on the kitchen island and started doing what I do best as a Belgian. I was still eating when my sister walks in and decides to give the dogs a little treat. This is when I notice there are only 2 dogs begging for food, not 3. I ask my sister where Lily is. My sister takes a look around but can't find her. My spider sense tells me this ain't right. My dog loves candy, so she would never miss an opportunity to beg for some. I shout to my parents who are upstairs to look for Lily. She isn't there. I take a look outside meanwhile. Also negative. My heart starts pounding. I run to the garage door whic...

This technically happened yesterday but I (23/F) couldn't post till today because I was so mortified I was crying about it when it happened so please forgive me. So for Christmas I got a gift card for my favorite fast food pizza joint the next state over. Usually it's a trip reserved for Friday nights but I convinced my mom to bring me last night. I had also recently been trying to use a bit of makeup because my hair is short and I want to feel pretty and feminine. Everything was going well, me and mom were getting along, I was able to order my extra cheesy Alfredo specialty pizza even though it was no longer on the menu, life was good. Once I got to the place the rather cute guy running the register informed me that it would be out shortly. Cue the start of an elaborate FU that shows my life in a nutshell; I decided that I would casually slip the guy my number on a napkin once he gave me the pizza and play the shy-girl-runs-off cliche. I slipped him the note being carefu...

So this is going to require some background context before we get anywhere. This happened 2 months ago I'm a pilot, and I currently teach people to fly as an instructor. In order to do that, I needed a way to train to learn myself, so my parents and I bought an airplane rather then going to flight school that way we could save money on training due to the appreciation and equity of the airplane. I now have since sold the airplane and that's where this story begins. Trust me this is relevant. My ex and I met through our church, and we dated for about ~4 months. I really like this girl, like a lot. Even as of right now. When we started dating she said she only wanted to give it a shot if my plan was to date to marry (a Christian clichè I know). Anyways, things were going great.. except she moved to North Carolina at the end of August to start her upper level schooling (For context I am in NY). Everything was absolutely fantastic, we went out all the time and connected tremend...

This happened earlier today. I work in data entry, open office, 15 people in a room, processing transactions all day. Since COVID, we communicate 99.9% by group chat, so the room is pretty silent. It was Monday morning after a somewhat hectic weekend, and I felt a little loopy from lack of sleep. As part of my morning’s work, I processed a transaction for someone whose first/last happens to match the name of a property on a Monopoly board, and for some reason this struck me as the funniest thing ever. Cue the FU: I tried and failed to suppress a laugh, and the laugh came out sounding equal parts embarrassed and self-amused due to the highly corny nature of the joke in my head, combined with loopiness. Out of coincidence, someone near me passed some truly alarming gas at the same time that I began laughing. We're talking grievous olfactory assault-- not like rank eggs or old garbage, but like actual uncovered waste. The tone and timing of my laugh made it sound like I’d been the ...

So me and my girlfriend were on Discord together bored out of our minds. That’s when she came up with the idea to play Among Us. I agreed, and we joined a public lobbies playing together. So in one round I get the engineer role (for those who haven’t played among us for a while, it’s a role where you can vent as a crew mate) and I vent in front of her. She freaks out and presses the button and snitches on me, telling the people I was an Impostor. They didn’t believe her and they skipped. I then told her on vc that if I was the impostor I wouldn’t even kill her because that’s messed up. She on the other hand said “I would murder you first if I was the impostor.” So next round I’m the Impostor. I killed her first and I started laughing because she was so surprised by it. So I begin to finish the round off by winning. After I won, I continued to laugh about how she was so unaware of me killing her. Then she got angry at me and told me that I promised I wouldn’t kill her as an imposto...

Using an alt cause this is extremely fucking embarrassing. I was horny, and I just randomly started rubbing my penis against a blanket on the couch, and i was like "oh this is kinda good", and then I tried to masturbate with this method, and I had my eyes closed for most of the time, but when I was almost at the climax, I noticed it started hurting a lot more, so I looked at it and notice it's fucking bleeding. I put my finger on it. It's coated in a thin layer of blood. There's also blood on the blanket. I go to clean the blanket with a wet paper towel, and thank fucking heavens it worked. I then saw if my penis needs cleaning, and it didn't. However, my dumb ass put a wet paper towel to where it bled, and it hurt A LOT. A FUCKING LOT. Moral of the story: if you want to masturbate, probably don't do it against a blanket in a way that harms your genitals. Also, just checked, and besides an area that looks smoother because of burns or some shit, it isn...

Throwaway because i want people to respect my mom. so my family just got a new puppy today. as with all new puppy’s we couldn’t decide to name him. for whatever reason i thought of the name butch and kept calling him it. my mom says she doesn’t like that name, but i say i think it’s nice because butch was the name from the dog on tom and jerry. of course i’m ignorant and didn’t listen and continued referring to him as butch. my mom screams at me telling me the brother of her rapist was named butch. didn’t know my mom was raped, didn’t know that the dudes name was butch. now i just feel terrible. i should’ve taken the hint when she just told me to stop and now i’ve learned something i didn’t want to know and made my mom cry. tldr: my moms rapist had a brother named butch and now i feel like an absolute moron for not shutting up when i had the chance.

Obligatory, I'm on mobile and formatting may be funny and this TIFU happened on Christmas. I (28F) and My husband (34M) and daughter (5F) obviously wanted to see family for the holidays this year. We are expecting a little boy in the end of April as well. Just two weeks ago, our daughter had contact at school with a child that had the big C19. She got a cold, but not the big C. My husband got the cold about 5 days later. Everyone quarantined, tested, and kept being safe as we can. I also began wearing my mask to work, despite being far from people and largely working alone all day, with a building of 100% vaccinated people including myself. The public does not come in. We have been taking every precaution we can, leaving the house minimally and overall being the hermits we are. HERMITS UNITED! Found out at 10pm last night that my mother tested positive, knew people at her job were positive and had direct contact with them before christmas and still had us over and my brother (2...

New in these parts, on mobile, half asleep and mortified so any fuck ups aside from the obvious is on me. TL;DR at the end. This happened half an hour ago. I dyed my hair blue last night and, per my history with startling her with odd hair colors first thing in the morning since my teens, decided to really up the ante by waltzing backwards into her room while shaking my ass and blasting my song ( https://youtu.be/3RJg7M4rNkc ) at the 2:48 point. Literally just the words DOOT DOOT DO DO DOOOOO repeatedly to what I find to be a fairly jaunty tune. Seriously, give it a listen and tell me you're not inspired to groove. I digress. She mostly works from home but usually has her meetings later in the day with a sign on the door to warn me off. I get up, no sign, just the soft noises of her TV on. Perfect. I prep my tune, don my mermaid bathrobe, and more or less fly-kick her bedroom door open and proceed to prance in ass first, banging my head while DOOT DOO DOO DOO DOOOOO plays awa...

My (25M) girlfriend (25F) is not good at cooking. She decided to make cookies for Christmas this year. I told her it’s not worth the effort but she didn’t listen. She finished making the cookies on Saturday and made me taste them. They were far from good. I told her they were good because I wanted to motivate her. This was the first time she had taken cooking seriously. My grandma invited us to her house for dinner yesterday and my girlfriend said she wanted to give my grandma some of the cookies. I lied and told her that was a great idea. My grandma was very critical of my girlfriends in the past and I was certain she’d tell her the cookies sucked. My sister had given me store-bought cookies earlier which looked similar to what my girlfriend made. I switched my girlfriend’s cookies with them just before we left. My girlfriend gave my grandma the cookies as soon as we reached. I happened to wander into my grandma's kitchen later and saw a box that looked familiar. I found out m...

Last night, I connected with a friend who wanted to meet up for post-holiday activities. He didn’t want his neighbors seeing me come into his home, so he asked me to head over after 11pm when his neighbors would be sound asleep. It hadn’t snowed here for a while (at least 2 years), and yesterday was the first snow day we had. So I decided to walk up to his neighborhood and enjoy the glistening snow in the night. He lives at the top of a neighborhood that is a hill. My hike/promenade uphill was so lovely. The crisp winter air and the snow were unexpectedly sensuous, and the fact that he gave me an unbelievable pounding when I got there was the cherry-on-top of a wonderful post-holiday-no-more-family-drama night. What I hadn’t thought about was my return trip. I was not in any shape to walk home, even if just a mile down the hill, after the aggressive anal my friend gifted me. I was standing outside waiting for my lyft or uber, and the drivers kept canceling on me. It was 2-3am, and i...

My dad invited me for dinner. With family and the holidays I was a bit stressed out so I popped an edible before heading over. When I got there and came in, I saw a young woman sitting there, to my surprise. As my dad decided not to let me know he was setting me up. As I slowly got more and more high keeping up with the conversation became more and more difficult, I got less responsive and frankly I was a shit date by most means, but having a family dynamic made it kind of worse since I was too familiar and comfortable. My dad starts going in on religion, politics and euthanasia (this is why I got high) you know all the greatest topics for a first date, and I being too high and comfortable went along with it. Needless I didn't do well, no number, no second just left our separate ways. TL:DR Went to family dinner expecting depressing topics, got high and arrived to find I was set up with a date and family dinner with depressing topics. It didn't go well.

Posting now at 1am my time because I am super embarrassed at my fuck up and cant get back to bed. I drove out to the folks house this week or Christmas, had a good time everything normal. I'm heading home in the morning and lazily put some of my stuff in the trunk to get ready after dinner(this is where I should of realized and stopped my fuck up from happening) I'm 24m and have been getting into some butt play lately. I live in a small city and so do my folks but driving there requires I go through a fairly large city. I had a Christmas bonus from work and some time off work after the trip so I decided to stop at a sex toy store on my drive up. Not sure what happened but I ended up spending 300$ at the store. I got 5 dildos, anal beads, some bondage stuff, lube and condoms, a whip and a few odds and ends. I opened up a few of them to look at and ended up throwing the bag in the trunk. So back to tonight, when I went to put my luggage in the trunk I was surprised to see all t...

Every other year, my entire family vacations in the Caribbean around the holidays. My siblings and I live in different parts of the country but we’ll usually come home to my parents in December and fly to the Caribbean together. This is usually a highly anticipated trip. And so as you can imagine, we were all pretty psyched this morning. Before heading to the airport, we were all zipping up and down the house kind of like in Home Alone 2 (but only 2 parents and 4 siblings). About 15 minutes before the Uber arrived, I went up to my room and into my bathroom to jerk off. Why not have a last minute jerk off session I thought? I had my phone in my left hand looking up the necessary content, and my right hand stroking my dick. After I was done, I placed my phone on top of the toilet tank cover, so that I could clean up and straighten things out before heading downstairs. While downstairs I realized I didn’t have my phone. And so I started looking for it. The Uber was a few minutes out and...

So I (f 25) met this guy at a bar...we hit it off and Doon were were back st my place getting frisky. Now for context, it had been a couple of months since I last had sex and I was really hoping for a good long night of fun. I told this to the guy to be up front and he started bragging about how he could last a long time and its kinda just thing...I took him for his word and was eager for the fun to begin. We take our clothes off (he kept hid backward baseball hat on btw) and I start giving him a hj. He gets hard really quick and I soon begin the blowjob but I can't get more that 2 stokes in with out him saying "stop stop" At this point I'm skeptical of his tall claims of stamina but I keep going...after about 90 of his he yells stop again....I stop. And they he shouts " quick suck it suck it" This made me mad ..so I start telling him about how I don't appreciate being told what to do but before I could finish a rope of cum shoots up and hits me on ...

I have the worse case of gerd. My eating schedule is pretty strict so that the gerd doesn’t relapse like I always have breakfast at 7 am, lunch at 12, and dinner at 8. Last week I went on a date with this dude that I really like, we have kinda like a fuck buddy type of relationship. So I was supposed to meet him at 12 pm noon, to go eat somewhere, but he came late because of some issue and met me at 2 pm. We talked for a bit when we met then we went to go eat at 3 pm, I haven’t ate anything all day at this time and my stomach is starting to act up. But then we ate some pizza and after that we went back to the car to fuck. While getting the mood on I was already feeling kind of nauseous from eating late, butI ignored it because I was hella horny. To get the mood on I gave him some blowy and he came in my mouth, when I went to spit it out I didn’t realize that thing that I spat out is not only cum, but also puke. So…. yeah. I puke on his dick. I was embarrassed as fuck legit this is my...

So today i was at my girlfriends place taking a shower, after getting out, i entered her room and noticed her picking skin off her foot with a small knife and eating it, at this point she hadnt noticed me entering her room just yet. Let me tell you that I was very surprised and quite disturbed. I did notice before that her feet were a bit damaged (so were her toenails) but i never said a thing thinking it would embarrass her. Anyway, as i walked into the room she let out a small shriek and looked at me as if i was a ghost. (i mean seems pretty normal) I looked at her with wide eyes but thought it'd be best if i just joked about it so i asked her if i could also have some toe cheese. I thought i could defuse the situation like that but she didn't say a word for a very awkward minute. I stupidly decided to try my hand at making a second joke and ask her what it tasted like. My second joke didn't exactly land either and she furiously told me to leave her. As you can expect, i...

To be fair, this happened a few weeks ago, but I was too busy not getting fired to think about it the day it happened. As my username suggests, we utilize Microsoft Azure/Endpoint Manager(Intune) to manage our windows devices at the school district I am employed with. Ever since COVID hit our part of the country (USA), all students were issued a 1:1 device, so every student and staff member has some kind of mobile device (iPads in elementary, different types of laptops for Middle and High school). Endpoint Manager has a feature called “supersedence” that essentially tells an application “delete the old version before installing this new one.” We push out an application to the devices that handles all web filtering (preventing the students from going to sites they shouldn’t, both per acceptable use and the Child Internet Protection Act). My mistake was trusting that a function within Endpoint Manager worked as it should, and not realizing that the aforementioned feature was in “Pre...

Obligatory “not today, but a few years ago”... My wife’s parents have never been easy to shop for at Christmas. They always did well financially and we didn’t. If they wanted something they just bought it. But a few years ago they retired at the same time my wife and I started doing better so we decided to actually get them something “big” in addition to our usual pictures of the kids. My mother-in-law had always been into genealogy. She had been building her own family tree for a few years on Ancestry and had talked about getting a DNA test. But she kept saying that $100 was a bit much to spend on answers she already knew. So I asked my wife what she thought about getting each of her parents a DNA kit for Christmas. She thought it was a great idea, so we picked up a couple. So Christmas morning comes around and we make the trek to the in-law’s house. We had dinner, visited, looked at pictures…the things you do at family gatherings. Finally, the time came for the gift exchange. My ...

So obligatory this happened yesterday. I (21M) am a bit of a stoner. I also love to cook, so trying new recipes is always a task I’m down for. Flashback to one week ago, I’m as toasted as a campfire marshmallow and eating some of those pillsbury cinnamon rolls. I get this bright idea to make some cannabis-infused cinnamon rolls. I have a bread maker, an oil infuser, and a lot of time on my hands so I get straight to work. Although this delicious treat had some very potent oil, I’m a well seasoned pot-head and know what I’m getting myself into. All in all, for those interested, I’d say each roll (I made about 30) were anywhere from 80-100mg of THC each (I believe a standard dose of THC is 10mg). But I mask up the weed taste quite well with the cinnamon sugar and a homemade frosting with maple, pack it up into containers, and stick them in the freezer so they can last a while. Now we will skip ahead to yesterday, Christmas morning. Now I love Christmas, even though I am not religious a...

This TIFU happened this week, but I just discovered it now. So, for context - my husband and I are pretty opposite when it comes to socializing. I’m super extroverted, love family gatherings, I love my in-laws, if it were up to me we’d all live on one giant commune growing our own food and singing kumbaya every night. He’s very introverted and usually dislikes the holidays and family gatherings in general. He’ll go for me and his parents, but he’s usually super quiet and is pretty bad at faking it. He almost always says he’s not feeling well in order to excuse his quietness and to try to leave early. At his parents’ Christmas gathering, he was super quiet again. It’s worth noting we all had negative Covid tests. He complained all day he wasn’t feeling well, and actually went to nap in his childhood bedroom for a few hours. His energy was 0%. When we took family photos he could barely even muster a smile, he genuinely looked miserable. It was only us, his parents, and his brother ...

(Throwaway because this is genuinely too embarrassing to post on my normal account. ) I (a legal adult, don’t worry) sometimes have some pretty ridiculous paranoia, and today one one of those times. I saw some creepy post, ironically enough on this app, and it threw me off all day. So badly so that when I got a shower, I was nearly paralyzed in fear that something was going to be outside the curtain when I got out. My entire household was asleep, and obviously I’m not going to wake someone up and have them watch me get out of the shower, so for some reason I decided the next best thing to do was to go on to my Instagram account and start up a live video. That way, if anything happened to be there, at least there would kind of be people there with me. One crucial detail I had forgotten was my mirror is directly across from the shower. So, after waiting a second for a few people to come onto the live, I bravely yank the curtain back as fast as I could. Promptly revealing my entire na...

Picture it. Christmas eve, I've been off the beer for a while. So I was at the vender buying non-alcoholic beer and coming out a guy was asking for change. I've seen him around before, but I don't think he's homeless. Anyway I told him I'm very sorry but I had just paid with debit. He then asked if I could spare a beer. I said for sure my man, not even thinking. The second he took one, my heart sank. "Please don't crack it open right now, Please don't crack it open right now, Please don't crack it open right now, Please don't crack it open right now, Please don't crack it open right now" I thought to myself. He proceeded to put it into his jacket and we fist bumped with merry Christmas's and he was on his way. It was Heineken 0.0. I think I just ruined that dudes Christmas eve! TL;DR , Bought some non-alcoholic beer while I was enjoying a month away from drinking, and got asked for one coming out of the vendor. Didn't thi...

As per tradition, this did not happen today but actually happened yesterday, at Christmas Eve dinner. For context, my husband and I got legally married a week ago yesterday, we only signed the marriage license and have our wedding planned for early next year. So, we went over to my in-laws for Christmas Eve dinner. After dinner, the four of us were chatting in the living room. I got up to use the bathroom which is located very close to the living room. I flipped on the bathroom light switch and didn't bother with turning the fan on as I was only there for a quick pee. I peed, wiped, stood up, pulled my pants up, and turned to wash my hands at the sink. My ass was facing the door. At that moment I involuntarily let out an extremely loud fart. After a pause, I heard them all laughing in the living room. I was mortified, hoping that by coincidence something funny was said or they were reminiscing on a gag gift that was exchanged earlier that evening. As I walked back to the living ro...

Was at my lady's house on Christmas Eve and she was making cookies for Santa with her two young children. They were making the frosting and dumping powdered sugar in a bowl, one child asks, "what is that?". Without missing a beat I say "it's the ground up bones of angels", I get the look from my girlfriend, but I can't stop and need to finish this informational session, so I continue to say, "that's how Santa gets his magical powers!". I get the look again, then a pause, then she says, "well that was kinda dark!". For reference, her kids are fairly religious (not so much her) so I survived the night. TLDR: Told my girlfriend's religious kids that powdered sugar is the ground up bones of angels and that's where Santa gets his magical powers.

Unlike many posts I see come up, this one actually did happen today and I am still paying the price as I type and wait for the next wave of misery. One thing my wife and I have embraced in recent years is taking it easy on ourselves and keeping things simple. All too often the holidays become stressful with everything there is to do. When the subject of meals for Christmas came up (and I saw my wife's expression of "ah, fuck, another thing to figure out"), I suggested something different and low key - a charcuterie board that we could snack on while watching movies. Being in the Midwest, there's plenty of great cheeses to choose from. I picked up some brie, a nice smoked gruyere, havarti, and a few others along with summer sausage, salami, and various crackers, etc. My first fuck up was loading up on the soft cheeses, which I don't normally eat and tend to have more lactose. The spread looked glorious and my second fuck up was totally losing track of how much ...

(Long time lurker, first time poster! This really just happened, I also posted to confessions but thought you guys would like to cringe with me) Well. I’ve heard stories told of women experiencing this since my childhood, and always thought it couldn’t ever happen to me! I’m not that dumb! I’m not that crazy! I like to masturbate so you’d think I’d notice before hardly any time has passed! Alas, no. I use instead cups for my period, not tampons, not pads, and not the reusable cups. These little discs are plastic and can be worn for up to 12 hours. And they kind of go way inside of me, to the point I don’t notice them at all (clearly) This time though, my period ended a little early. I remember putting the cup in on the last day of my period and not really bleeding at all…. Which must be why my adhd ass FORGOT TO TAKE IT OUT FOR AMOST A MONTH!!! Which is also why I spent the last part of this month thinking something is wrong with me! I had a little bit of smell that I wasn’t use...

I'm a police officer and my Sargent gave us a talk on police uniform rules, what personal items we can and cannot have in patrol vehicles, so on an so forth. During my free time I ride my bike, so I have my gear and accessories which, include rubber ducks with a helmet and glasses, they also make a squeaky sound that I use in traffic lights to mess with people. Forward to a few hours ago, I had to pick up a Christmas themed duck but I couldn't put it in my locker so I had it in the patrol car. My Sargent usually makes us check for any trash or "unauthorized" items and dispose of them that's when I realized my duck was in the glove compartment. Sargent found it and called us into attention. Then gave the talk and out of his holster pulled out the rubber duck and said, "to help you learn a lesson and to lighten the mood let's play a game... Of duck" and sat us down in a circle facing inward. He would go around squeaking and that started to get funny...

This did actually happen today. I has just woken up and I was going to head into work for a few hours to take care of some things before heading off to my family's house. I start my morning as usual, throw on some deathcore as soon as I wake up shave and shower. I get done shaving and all is well. I start the shower and get in. I immediately slip and fall. Get a huge 3 inch gash on the bottom of my foot that's gonna need stitches. So as I'm laying there in the bath tub, naked and bleeding I call my boss. I figured I should tell him I'm gonna be a little bit late. He just says fuck, come in and we'll get your foot taken care of. So now the day before Christmas I got 10 stitches in the bottom of my foot, it was the most painful fucking thing ever. Merry fucking Christmas to me I guess 🙄 TLDR; Fell in the shower before work and ended up having to get 10 stitches in the bottom of my foot the day before Christmas.

I met my wife online through a hobby forum a few years ago. She lived in Canada and I lived in America, at first I had developed a huge crush but figured it could never go anywhere due to the distance but we talked so much and connected so well that we just had to admit we had something special. It still blows my mind that this woman 1. exists and 2. likes me back just as much. We worked really hard on closing the gap, moved in with each other and as of a few months ago, are now married. My wife is bi and has dated a woman in the past. I've made a few jokes here and there about her and her female friends and she's laughed at them, but she's never mentioned any desire to have any kind of fling with other women now that we are together. Here's my TIFU. One of her friends is recently single and a lesbian, and yesterday I (stupidly) sat my wife down and asked her if she'd ever be interested in bringing other women into the bedroom with us. I knew as soon as I asked i...

I spend a lot of time in Hawaii. This happened on the mainland USA a few days after Thanksgiving while I was shopping. I got a few items and got into line. Cashier (approx 25F) calls "next" and was chatting/friendly as she rang me up. When she hands me the receipt she says "thanks for shopping at X", I give her a smile, lean my head back a bit and throw her a shaka. Like always. Except the young lady looks positively stunned/upset/mortified. (As a dad with daughters of similar age I absolutely recognize a "if looks could kill" silent stare.) In retrospect, I suppose a shaka does look somewhat like that "call me" gesture. Wish I'd figured it out at the time, but instead I just walked way confused. For those who don't know, a "shaka" is a gesture of friendly intent (hello/goodbye/cool/thanks) very widely used by young and old, familiars and strangers in Hawaii. TL;DR Inadvertently made a nice young lady think a creepy old du...