greenmangostudio

This did indeed happen today. So it was pretty late and my mom and I decided to just pick up some food for dinner, since we didn’t feel like cooking. So I decide oh I can just mobile order some chicken from a famous Kentucky chicken place, since they have a really good deal on their app for some cheap chicken. Well, I forgot the last time I did that was right before we moved. And I didn’t double check the location to pick it up at. So I get a notification that it’s ready but I don’t see any orders ready at the place nearest my house. Turns out, I ordered it to a location 20 minutes away from me, which would mean 40 minutes until I got home and we had just picked up a bunch of meat at a grocery store so that wasn’t a good option. Thankfully, my mother in law still lives in that area so I just called her and told her hey hope you are hungry cause there is some chicken ready to pick up you can have if you go get it. And then I had to reorder mine, so I ended up paying twice for what ...

I haven't pooped in like 5 days and had to take something that'll make me blast the toilet. So I bought some stool softeners and laxatives because my friends suggested those. I read the directions and said I should take 1-3 stool softeners so I took 3. And then took 1 laxative because I wanted it to be REALLY effective. But then my friends told me I shouldn't have taken the laxative but o well. The first day I didn't pooped much (I was about to take MORE shit pills but luckily I didn't) but oh boy did it hit the next day and today's morning. I keep blowing up the toilet constantly and it won't stop. I would take a #2 and thought it'll be the end of it but no, I would run back to the toilet to shit once again. I took about 5+ shits so far. TL;DR I took 3 stool softeners and 1 laxative and now I'm blowing up the toilet.

This happened today when I was at a nude spa which we have a lot of here in Germany. Me and my girlfriend wanted to go somewhere to relax amid a very hectic week so we decided to drive to a premium spa made for primarily adults to relax in saunas and cold pools. I knew it was gonna be nude and mixed and I thought I was fine with that. It felt very freeing being fully naked in a sauna and especially since you could sit with your gf together. We went to the pool and the sauna and switched betweeen them. When in the sauna I sat next to my gf meaning that I couldn’t really see her body and almost everyone else was pretty old and not someone you would like to see naked. Well yeah it all changed when three very beautiful women who seemed to be friends entered the sauna. They sat right in my field of view. I knew it would be hard for me to not get a boner because I’m quite visual and well naked pretty female bodies turn me on to be frank. So I ended up getting a rock hard boner and it wa...

So a few days ago my girlfriend, best friend and I thought it would be a good idea to spend the day together and then stay over at my girlfriend's house. so we get back all tired and we're all sleeping in the same room on the floor, we put on some netflix but our friend says he'll probably be asleep within 10 minutes. 10 minutes pass and he hasn't moved in a while, hasn't talked and is fully under the blankets. My girlfriend and I kiss goodnight but things escalate quickly because we're risktakers... anyway we basically start "playing" until we're both done, and then a few minutes later our friend gets up and goes to the toilet without saying a word. he comes back and clearly knows something is up and generally gives us the side-eye. then he says, "I couldn't sleep". TLDR: my gf and i thought our friend was asleep while we have each other handjobs

I've been doing most, or at least half of the laundry since we moved, we've been here for about 2 years now. Every time I do the laundry I notice that there's a blue residue in the fabric softener tank in the laundry machine, and it seems to continue to build up. I telling myself I should mention to my gf that she should stop putting laundry soap into the wrong cup, but I keep forgetting. This morning I finally remembered and I somewhat sarcastically asked her why she feels the need to keep putting laundry detergent into the wrong part of the laundry machine. She's initially confused until I tell her that it's blue and that the soap is blue. She realizes the mistake faster than I do. Turns out I've been washing our clothes with Downy instead of laundry soap for the past couple of years. But hey, at least I've been making our laundry smell clean, right? TL;DR: For the past few years, I've been washing our clothes with fabric softener instead of deter...

I was in a discord server with a few of my friends, soon it ended up just stressing me out and I decided to leave. I was gone for about 6 months before coming back, that was a mistake. Everything seemed fine until a few minutes ago. My friend banned me as a joke and let me back in after. While they were setting up my roles they accidentally gave me the role for the rant channel by mistake. I got curious of course and searched my name in the channel. I didn't get enough context because I was removed less than a minute after but I see messages about them talking about how I make them uncomfortable and that they're trying to keep their distance from me. I have honest to God no clue what I did because as far as I know, other than leaving, we were all on good terms. I just hate the thought that I joined and made them so uncomfortable and stressed but they couldn't ask me to leave because they never said anything about it. I would talk to them about it with no hesitation but the...

This happened for the last 16 years. Created a throwaway account so it doesn't get back to my ex wife since i dont really want anyone hurt, especially my daughter. 2 months ago, out of the fucking blue for me, my wife asked me for a divorced. Straight up. Things weren't going so well since the pandemic, because it coincided with her back problems and surgery's (she is a nurse, an amazing one at that) 4 in total, and also a big weight gain (which I don't care, she's very curvy and beautiful, so it was never an issue for me). So, the distance, the difference in standards (If i misplace something it was world war 3, but she leaves stuff everywhere it's fine), the straight treating me with aggression, i chucked at the hard times she was having with her health and her possible low self esteem. Around the house I'd take care of tidying everything and i Am the resident cook (love cooking). I Also work a full time job that passed to part time job because the pa...

My kid loves bubble baths. I love giving my kid bubble baths because of the pure joy that lights up his face when I put on a bubble beard for him. Here’s where the FU comes in. This is 2 hours ago as of posting this. My kid is taking a bubble bath. LOTS OF BUBBLES. Admittedly, I put too much in. But he’s loving it regardless. I can't see through the thick bubble barrier to the tub bottom. Unbeknownst to me, the kid has shit in the tub. Found out he had corn at daycare today. No grunts, groans, or farts when he let it out. I am letting him fill up his water cup and dump it all over my head and face. Even put some water in my mouth and spat it back at him. Pure joy. I drain the tub and realize what has happened. I AM UNCLEAN. No amount of tooth brushing or showers can rid me of this disgust. TL;DR - my kid shit in the tub, I didn’t see it. He poured shit water all over me.

Something you should know, my brother and i share our bedroom. Ok, so basically my parents were at work, my sister was at her best friends house playing or whatever. My brother and i were home alone. I was in the toilet when his gf came over so i didn't know she is visiting him. I went to the kitchen to grab a water bottle then went to the salon and watched a little bit of TV. Then i decided to go chill in my bed a little bit and enjoy the AC. What i wasn't expecting was his gf being there. I entered without making any noise thinking my brother was taking a nap. But what i saw wasn't anything cloee to that. They were kissing and undressing each others. I was shocked for a moment and i had my mouth open and didn't know what to do or how to react, then i slowly went backwards and triedto leave without them noticing my presence but they saw me eventually. My brother was bricked up, like literally and i saw it... I'm not used to knock on my bedrooms door cause it...

tifu by pressing the red button So... not technically my fu but still hilarious so I have to share. Last week, me and my partner got the keys to a new home. So, we went in on day one and did the usual walk around. Place was a bit grubby, but otherwise everything appeared in good order. When we'd finished checking all the rooms we were stood on the landing chatting and my partner noticed a red button on the wall. Being a naturally curious fellow, he pressed it. Nothing happened. So he pressed it again and this time held it down. Initially, nothing. Then, out of the blue, an alarm started to sound. That's right - he'd found the panic button. It certainly worked... we panicked. However, we thought "its loud but not too bad, we should be fine". How wrong we were. Whilst it was at a bearable level inside the house, once you stepped foot out if the door the noise was absolutely deafening. So we panicked even more, and started desperately pressing buttons on the...

Well, I will try to keep it short. A while ago I met this girl who I really liked. She was beautiful. I wanted to see her today, but she couldn't leave without her niece. So we made a plan that she was going to bring her niece and I bring my nephew (they are both single) to our date, so it was a double date. I asked my nephew if he was interested in joining us and he said yes, but only if the niece was also beautiful. He really insisted on this and, without knowing the niece, I told him she was gorgeous too. Well, we went to the coffee shop and sat down. After like 10 mins they arrived. Well well well... My girl was really beautiful, long blond hair, blue eyed, skinny, curves in the right place while the niece was... well... I don't want to exaggerate but her face was covered with big red pimples, she had very thick glasses, one eyebrow, very hairy over her face (forehead), she was fat (no offence but like really really plussized) and so much more. My nephew was in shock ...

I know what you’re thinking, either “what is an incel” or “why would you try to do this”. I decided to try to “fix” this guy’s mindset I had met weeks ago, while at first I thought he was joking. To start, he lives only some hours away, and he felt like this was impossible to work around (he does not drive or work, yet I do, so it didn’t seem as much of an issue to me) but I was willing to work around it. All he does it tell me how women are evil and how they’re whores, etc. and at first I was just in disbelief and confusion because I felt like he was probably just joking. Overtime I learned he’s completely serious, and even his friends validated it to me that he is very serious. We ended up ending things and we argued over his mindset. Now I’m upset over a man who literally hates my gender. He told me I would never understand because I am not a man, but I think he is just choosing to have a closed mindset. Are people like this even real, and is there even any possibility of changi...

My brother and I are fans of the show The Mandalorian. Yesterday, when he came over, we talked about the show a little bit. He was telling me how he didn't know The Mandalorian actor was Pedro Pascal until the character removed his helmet many episodes later into the show. A little backstory: I'm that person who likes to look up articles and facts about a show after I've watched them, just because. So I came across The Mandalorian Wikipedia article that says, in some episodes, it wasn't even Pedro Pascal in the suit at all. They use body doubles throughout the entire episode, with Pedro Pascal's voice later dubbed in. Obviously for the action scenes it would make sense that they use body doubles, but the article says that some entire episodes don't have Pedro Pascal at all in the suit. I told this to my brother and he was so disappointed. He said he would never be able to enjoy the show the same way again knowing this. He was looking forward to Season 3. ...

This may be my worst fuck up of all time. Also disclaimer, this story might gross some of you out. So, I took the day off from work today and was enjoying some "alone time" while my gf was at work. I recently got into butt stuff for the extra stimulation, so I borrowed my gfs sex toy to use. Once I was done, I noticed that the toy was dirty so I wanted to clean it well. Note this was only my second time experimenting with the toy, and last time it wasn't "dirty" after use. I took the toy to the sink and gave it a good wash with hot soapy water like usual. Here is the gross part, the toy still smelled pretty bad after washing, and I could not get it to go away. So, I I turned to my good pal reddit for answers on how to get the stench gone. I tried a couple easy methods with no luck, so I went for the bake out option that someone recommended here: https://www.reddit.com/r/SexToys/comments/p93k2n/how_do_i_get_the_shit_smell_off_my_dildo/ Being the dildo novice...

I think this happens to people very often,but let me tell you something. I (21f) am a virgin. I grew up in a religious household where sexuality has always been a taboo theme. My internet used to be restricted and my parents made sure to keep me away from even googling sexual things. Now I have been living by myself for the past 2 years and became exactly the opposite of what I was while living with my parents. I am still waiting to lose my V card (because I would feel too guilty not to wait) but I have been naughty by storing my nudes in my phone’s gallery. Well, yesterday I was at my sister’s birthday party and the entire family was there . Long story short, my family asked me to film the cake while everyone was behind me, which I did and after that they asked me to see the clips and pics but I accidentally scrolled to my nude while I was showing it to them. Tl;Dr My religious family saw my nude

I’ll try to keep this as brief as possible, and hopefully this formats okay because I’m on mobile. This is a two-part fuck up, one that happened last week and the second part today. So, as the title says, I fucked up by picking my girlfriend (we’ll call her Maria) over my job. Maria and I have been working together for a couple years now but she was in a relationship the whole time up until a few months ago. She was dating a guy (we’ll call him Hank) who is one of the longest tenured employees at our job, is extremely well liked and is a really good dude, though I wouldn’t say he and I were super close by any means. Maria and I run in similar social circles so we are around each other a LOT both inside and outside of work, and one thing led to another and we started dating. We immediately told Hank since we all work together, and he didn’t seem to care, but we made it a point to keep it quiet around the office to not start anything. That is, until last week, when Maria and I were s...

At the time i was a young horny teen around the ages of fourteen. At the time I had really good art skills. I could paint portraits and draw with graphite. As the new school year started I started to like this girl. she seemed very innocent and cute so eventually we became a couple. Both of us would be extremely horny teenagers. She would ask me to read bl with her and she'd laugh at how ugly the dicks were. We would write smut of eachother and read it to eachother on video calls. Every once in a while my dad would drop me off at her house and we'd make out for hours. I was scrolling on twitter looking at art one time and the urge hit me out of nowhere to draw porn of me and her for fun. I would be finding reference of certain angles to draw on r/ you know what to perfect my masterpiece. Everday i would draw me and her in various positions to quench my desire. My girlfriend and i loved it we would both look at the artworks together and giggle to eachother like the horny teens ...

Today. Wife having terrible period, yells from downstairs toilet “get me a tampon!”. I’m upstairs, grab one, see my daughter, think I can outsource this. Me: “honey can you go give this to mommy?” Her:”what is this?” Me:”its a tampon for mommy” Her:”why?” Me:”its for her period to stop the bleeding” Her, alarmed:”she’s bleeding?! Where?” Me, idiot:”oh its ok she’s just bleeding from her vagina, its normal, her period, one day you’ll have it too” Wife, screaming from downstairs:”i need the tampon its bad this time!!” Daughter, instant bawling:”oh my gaaawwd Mommy’s bleeding from her vagina! Aaaahhh call the police please daddy make her vagina stop bleeding I don’t want her to die! I don’t want my vagina to bleed! I don’t want to die!” Been 20 minutes, daughter still sobbing at thought of death by period. Only just got my wife the damn tampon. Great. TL;DR: told my 5yo daughter a tampon was for bleeding vaginas.

I met him a few times digging around for cans. I gave him some of my cans once and a couple of buds. He told me his name was Dave, that he lived in a tent by a mall, and that he had some kids living nearby. I saw him this morning carrying a big box of stuff. He said it was a special day for him when I greeted him, so I offered to smoke him out. My apartment is really messy and he offered to help clean it out for some money. It seemed like a fair deal and he did a great job. We worked together to clean basically the whole place. He vacuumed and threw away a lot of trash. He did a lot, but I didn’t want to work him on his birthday, so after 2 hours I paid him $100 and gave him a tv I don’t need. We ate some pizza and watched a movie. He even fell asleep a little. When it was over, he said thanks, left his original box of stuff, and left. I noticed that my wallet was gone about 15 minutes later. The only things left in there are my debit card and drivers license. I cancelled the card r...

I decided to make chili this morning so I went out to the garden, grabbed some habeneros, cayenne peppers, chili peppers, tomatoes and some bell peppers. Grabbed the beef from the freezer and started dicing everything up/ browning the beef and what not. Finished everything, threw it in the crock pot to sit for a couple hours and then laid on the couch. Since I live alone sometimes I just sprawl out on the couch and have one hand on my balls. Well a few minutes later they start burning. Then I remembered, I never washed my hands after touching all of the hot peppers. So immediately I jump up and run to the shower to try rinsing them off, but that just spreads the capsaicin to my inner thighs and rest of my balls. Then I read online rubbing alcohol could help but that too just makes it worse. So now about 2 hours later I’m just laying in pain not knowing what to do. TLDR: rubbed habenero pepper juice on my balls.

I met a girl at a sneaker event a month back. We’ve been talking ever since and I really liked her. We’ve been on multiple dates that lasted hours long. She is cute, seems very clean, smells good. Today, we went out for a drink but we loved each other’s company so a drink turned to tons of cocktails. She was quite drunk and didn’t seem like she could go back home. I offered she can crash at my place and she accepted. Later at home, we were both drunk and started making out. We both planned to take things slow but one thing lead to another and we didn’t want to stop. I am an ass man and I am all for eating ass. As I started going down from the lips to the cheeks, I tasted something which felt like a chemical. It felt weird but I kept going. Until, I saw a weird bump down there of approximately 1 inch draining some yellow and white puss out of it. I freaked out and knew I was tasting something weird. The puss was all over between her cheeks and I was eating it since the past few minu...

"It's a hot day," I thought to myself, "and I haven't made iced tea in a while. Why don't I do that?" Why not indeed? I put on the kettle, grabbed my nice glass pitchers, and tossed a few black tea bags into one and some peppermint tea bags in the other. "Aaah," I thought to myself. "I'll drink this stuff and read my old AD&D 2nd Edition Planescape stuff. It'll be nice." Once the water was hot, I poured it over the bags. It's iced tea, you know? That's how you make it. I removed the bags (they'd done their job) and mixed in some sugar, because that's how I like it. And if you've made iced tea before, then you know that the next step is to add water. In fact, I had some water that was already cold , having been in the fridge for over a day and a- Dear Reader, at this point, I will divulge that I am in my late 40s. I am sufficiently experienced and educated about such things as "tempered glass...

So this is going to be long and hopefully allowed here, using a throwaway for protection, and actually happened a way back. Around 2 years ago, after the first pandemic wave, during the summer where restrictions were relaxed, I went to visit an escort. No one in my family or friend circle knows to this day. It is so out of character and I would never be able to explain/understand people would be unhappy with me. She was an independent girl listed also with a partner, who knew etc. I thought I tried to pick really carefully, avoiding trafficking/coercion. I had only had 1 previous relationship, and had turned a corner in my life pre-covid which tipped everything upside down for most. Feeling particularly lonely after that lockdown and rules still preventing large gatherings I figured it was sensible to just alleviate the loneliness through this method. Largely safe due to only 1-on-1 contact, symptom checking for safety. Had the experience, it was fine even if I was a little nervou...

This happened today. I, 20M, work at a small restaurant. During my shift, a guy probably in his 60s came up to the register and asked me if he could exchange five $10 bills for one $50 bill (I actually don't live in the US, but I'll just write it in dollars to simplify things). He looked like a homeless man and he also didn't buy anything from the restaurant so I was pretty sus of him. Anyways I said sure, and gave him a $50 bill. However, for some reason I also tried to give him his $10 bills back. (I'm an idiot and terrible at simple math) Of course he won't receive it, and at that point I'm confused as hell, so I asked him to return the $50 bill to reset the whole exchange. He returned the $50 bill to me and said he wants his $10 bills back if I'm not going to exchange his money. At this point I thought he was a scammer of some sort, and refused to return him any money. (I wasn't aware how much money I even gave/got from him) Then I threatened him ...

A few weeks ago was my boyfriend's birthday, where I decided to buy him a nice new top of the line laptop. Since then, he's fully fallen in love with it, and I am very happy for him that he's enjoying his gift. However, he's taken to placing this stupid little piece of paper between the screen and keyboard whenever he closes the laptop. He says it's to protect the screen from the evil keyboard or whatever, and although it has amused me greatly, I have apparently been showcasing some level of jealousy by making comments whenever he is taking time to place this fucking piece of paper. One of these comments has been referring to the paper as his "laptop bib". Yesterday, he was in the process of putting his laptop away, and was taking his sweet ass time aligning the paper, and I said "are you done bib-ing your laptop?". Since then, he has decided to put my jealous feelings at rest by bib-ing ME. We'll be eating, and the asshole will start plac...

So obligatory this didn't happen today, but a couple weeks ago. But I'm still so baffled about this incident that I feel like I have to share. I work part time at an amusement park in Finland (so sorry if my English isn't perfect), summers mostly, but sometimes autumns as well. Our workplace hosts multiple parties/events along the summer. One beloved event is a sauna party, which consists of being able go go in to the sauna, to go swimming, to play some games and to chat with other workers. Usually some alcohol is involved. Some important background about me: I train in Taekwon-Do, so my ability in endurance sports is pretty good. I love swimming, so I do it as often as I can (which is not often, but often enough to be classified as a decent swimmer). So the event starts, I tell most of the people that I'm not drinking since I want to go swimming (we have an unfortunate amount of people drowning from going swimming while intoxicated, especially at Midsummer, or Juha...

This didnt happen today but it happened over a few days and it backfired yesterday. She lives in a different country cause her parents work there and she comes over for vacation 3 days ago my best friend(16F) told me(16M) that her boyfriend was very clingy and wanted to spend a lot of time with her. She said that it made her uncomfortable and she didnt have time for herself. She asked me what should she do. I told her to explain to him that she needed some time for herself and learn to comunicate trough their problems. I feelt like it was clear enough for her and didnt think much about it. Fast forward to yesterday. They were messaging each other and she ended up telling him she wants to come here for the winter holydays. Him- "Can I come too. I will pay for myself" Her- "No" Him- "But why?" Her- "I dont want you to come here. I want to spend some times only with my friends" He got sad after that. She tried to explain but he would only s...

I, 20m, am not an incognito mode user. In fact, I’ve doubled down so hard on my bad porn watching etiquette that I bookmark videos I enjoy. It’s never really been a problem for me other than the looming worry that someday someone might need to use my laptop and all my secrets will be right there for the taking. Just about every time I enjoy some alone self-love time I think, I really need to compile a list of these links, delete the bookmarks, and get my shit together for good. Have I done that? Nope. But I’ve thought about it too many times to count. Sometimes I even clear out old videos I don’t watch anymore, but I’ve still been too lazy to completely change my habits. I’m in my second year of college. It’s also my second year of sharing a dorm room with one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met. I came to college convinced I wasn’t going to have an experimentation phase. Next thing I know I’m rooming with a hot gay dude and watching men getting plowed online on the regular. My bookma...

Obligatory this did not happen today, this happened yesterday. I (25M) was at the gym just doing my routine workout. The gym had been renovated recently and we had some new squat racks, which I was excited about. (The squat racks used to be very busy so it was nice to have empty ones for a change). One thing to note about the new plates was that they were very smooth to rack and re-rack, which I’m not used because the older plates did take a lot of effort. I didn’t know this and I tried pulling out a 45lb weight plate out of the rack and it slipped and fell on my right foot. It didn’t hurt initially but by the time I got home, it got pretty swollen and overnight it had turned black. I went to the clinic this morning and after a couple of X-rays it turns out that I have fractured my toe. Now I have to wear a cast for the next 3-4 weeks and I obviously cannot work out during that time, which really sucks because I was getting into my routine and not missing any days. I also cannot dr...

There was this new fruit store that opened near my house. I found myself inside of it and the people inside convinced me to buy some yellow dragon fruits. They said if someone doesn’t buy these today we’re going to throw them away because they’re going to be over-ripe. So I decided to be adventurous and buy them. Little did I know what would happen next. I get home and forget about them for a bit. It’s about 3:00 pm now, however I want some food I make dinner and decided to try the dragon fruit for dessert. I cut one open get a spoon “delicious, amazing” I think to myself. I watch some videos whilst eating, and within 10-20 mins both dragon fruits are gone. I don’t even remember eating the second one. However, my stomach does. Within the next hour, I am on the toilet and can’t get off my stomach is churning and I feel nothing and everything at the same time. It sounds like running water. I have no idea how long I was on the toilet but it was 3 am before I knew it. I try to fall aslee...

This quite literally just happened. I have been exhibiting symptoms similar to lactose intolerance for a while. After having anything dairy I have extreme pain and other fun toilet related activity. I have been scanned for anything else but all scans show normal. Lactase enzyme helps immensely so I feel its safe to assume that I have some sort of issue with dairy. 1st mistake: I didn't stock up enough on lactase. Despite being close to a store I didn't even think to restock. Last night, I ran out. 2nd mistake (the main dish): Saying yes to a hooters trip without checking the menu. Like an oxygen deficient salmon I said yes because (despite being on testosterone) I was having severe menstrual cramps and didn't feel like cooking so I seized the chance to eat out. Low and behold, here i sit in a hooters, and I have no idea what's in what. Are the wings battered in buttermilk? Is there anything that I can eat without sentencing myself to a double whammy of both cramps an...

Obligatory happened yesterday. So my girlfriend and I haven't seen each other in a while and understandably so, we wanted to bang. Everything was great, I was teasing her and we were into it. So after having her consent, I got up and opened the condom. That's when we heard her brother open doors of his room and run across the house. We just looked at each other and instantly got under the blankets. Little guy just ran across the house and then went back to his room, didn't do anything or enter any room. My girlfriend and I were laughing so hard I lost my erection, and after getting "half hard", since we wanted to continue, I tried putting on the condom. This is where second TIFU comes in. I couldn't pull the condom on my buddy. Now bear in mind, I'm not circumcised so the extra skin made it extra hard to put it on, only thing in this situation that wasn't hard was me. My girlfriend couldn't stop laughing and we just decided to leave it. TL...

I got an ad for a service that bizarrely offers a free tamagotchi for signing up, so naturally I did. It's 2 weeks later and I get the tamagotchi in the mail so I brought it inside after getting home from work. I live with my parents but my sister doesn't but she happened to be over today. I didn't think anything of her being over because she comes over from time to time for the weekends. Well I opened the tamagotchi in the kitchen next to her and explained how I bizarrely ended up with it. I started it up and set the time and we both watched the little egg hatch into a baby blob. We messed with it for a few moments and my sister suddenly leaves without saying anything. My mom then tells me my sister who has been pregnant about 2 months now had a miscarriage this morning. Obviously she wasn't upset with me or anything but the virtual birth of this tamagotchi was just an understandably emotional subject right now. It's just crazy to me that of all things I could gr...

So, the obligatory “this happened before my wife recently gave birth to our 2nd child, and hormones were off the charts”. My very pregnant wife wakes up and I am already awake, having made coffee for myself and prepared tea in anticipation for a relaxed morning. I’m watching a PBS special about WWII submarines and she sat down with her tea and started to watch. So my wife isn’t a huge history buff and I am constantly reminding her of the order of commonly-known events. She is incredibly intelligent but she apparently had a very boring history teacher and never absorbed the information. As such, she had no idea that submarines were actually torpedo-carrying murder machines that were designed to blow up their enemies. I look at her and she’s bawling…tears running down her face and she says, “But I thought submarines were just like for exploration and fun and stuff.” I chock it up to hormones, but I really ruined a nice morning. TL;DR made my pregnant wife cry when she found out that...

I (22m) have had a crush on my roommate (21f) for a while now. We have been both going to the gym recently and he have both got our bodies lean and fit. Today she cam home from the gym looking extra fine so i complimented her by saying that she lost some significant weight to which she got so excited and happy and all hyped up that i noticed and gave me a tight hug for it. Then i told her that i noticed that she also got pretty thick on the thighs and ass too and she also replied with a huge smile and playfully started to twerk and in response and gave her some light spanking and she laughed about it and took it playfully. I was feeling something was about to happen at this point so i told her that she got me excited and she said "i can see that with a naughty smile and then she pressed her ass against my dick and kept twerking. So i told her that she has some nice tits too and asked if i could play with them. All of the sudden her demeanor totally changed and she got all aggre...

Disclaimer: Not mine but my wife's FU today. Some of my wife's students asked to see pictures of the most recent sonogram of my daughter. Wife is currently 16 almost 17 weeks pregnant. My wife was explaining how my daughter is unusually positioned, folded, with her feet near her head and this could be seen in another image. A male student then asked to see the picture quote "with her feet." When she showed him, he commented that we could sell those pictures on feetfinder.com. In an attempt to give this hopefully misguided soul the benefit of the doubt, she asked if he was aware of that site's implication. Without missing a beat, he responded yes, they use it to masturbate. I never imagined I would have to worry about someone objectifying my unborn daughter. TL;DR Wife showed sonogram of daughters feet and was told to sell pics.

I (24 F) happened to get into a random conversation about parenting, future children, etc. with my bf (25 M) today. I expected he would say no, but I asked him “would you want to circumcise your son?” To which he replied, “yes.” I was shocked and asked why and he proceeded to give me his reasonings about cleanliness and prevention of STDs, etc. So I said, those are also things that cleaning your penis and wearing a condom would work just fine for, and then I said “I mean do you have to be reminded to clean your penis?” And then his next comment was “well it’s a lot easier for me since I don’t have a hood.” And my jaw hit the floor. I was trying not to bust out in laughter because I’ve been sleeping with this man for over a year and I am POSITIVE he is not circumcised. Lol. So then I gently tried to tell him, as it is not an insult, but that he is misinformed because he does in fact, still have his foreskin lolllllll. Nonetheless, he hasn’t talked to me for a little bit now and I fea...

Divorced three years now and settled with alimony and child support and everything. I’m all paid up, all good. But now my ex is taking me to court to try and increase child support payments in case my income went up (it hasn’t). The other attorney is asking for three years of bank statements, tax returns, W2s, 1099s, credit cards, etc. The first attorney I hired in my divorce case four years ago can’t be an attorney anymore, he is disbarred. Probably for good reason, he was a horrible person. The second attorney I called when this came up and they said she is no longer employed at Cordell and Cordell, the law firm I used. Makes sense, she was also not good. I set up an appointment with another attorney there and paid her $200 for the consultation. At the beginning of the Zoom meeting she checked twice to make sure my $200 was paid and when she found out it was she gave me some tips on what to say and said if I want to hire her it would be $2500. Well I don’t have $2500 so that’s not ...

I have a plantar’s wart on my foot and I have been trying to treat it with Compound W Maximum Strength (30% salicylic acid). So, I’m sitting in bed (I sleep in the nude), and start putting this potent stuff on my foot. I stick my leg up to show my girlfriend next to me: “This stuff is crazy; it’s gonna turn white in like 10 seconds, then its going to start bubbling and get really sticky and bond to the skin, then it’ll puff up a bit and turn super white”. When I go to bring my leg back under me, I drop the entire open bottle of compound w right onto my testicules, inner thigh and some on my penis. I instantly jump up off the bed and sprint straight to the shower - I’m screaming “fuck, fuck , fuck, fuck” cause I know this is going to hurt like death, and who the hell knows what will happen down there; after all, this stuff is made to acid-burn warts and remove outer layers of skin. I proceed to turn the shower on as quickly as possible, my girlfriend following me running. I am not ex...

Well not today but yesterday I (18M) shoved 2 tic tacs down my peehole.Please don't ask I guess I'm just dumb as hell.The first one came out just fine.I guess the second one was long enough in there and managed to dissolve in a way to have 2 edges and able to cut the inside somewhere at the very end when it came out.It came out a bit red and like 2 or 3 drops of blood came out, as well as after the first time i peed. It still hurts when i pee and I don't know really if it will heal by itself, I'm just praying cause i really would rather live with this forever than tell someone. Can anyone tell me if it will? Google says either rarely it heals at all or it takes 3-6 weeks but according to google i also had lung cancer when i coughed so yknow... I think we all know googling medical things isn't really a great idea in the majority of cases.It seems like its a very small cut. TL;DR: a tic tac cut me inside my pp and now I'm fucked ig. Edit: i will just add this ...

So for the last 16 years of our marriage, one of the ways I have shown love for my husband has been by randomly leaving notes declaring my love & admiration for him in his lunch bags. It's not an every day thing, but usually when inspiration hits sort of thing. Most of my notes have consisted of me telling him the ways I adore him, encouraging & praising him, doodles, jokes and the occasional safe for work spicy message. Well I realized it's been a few months since I left him one & he's been graciously under a lot of stress at work lately, so what better way to bring a smile to his face than to write a love letter to his penis. We're jokesters at heart and it's no secret I love his 2nd brain, so I figure he'd get a laugh at it and be ready to go when he came home. Now, I really got creative and not only wrote a poem describing the magnificence of the shape, size, texture & overall beauty of his cock in poem but below that I wrote the nastiest ...

So this happened about two years ago. I'm an attorney, got a new job and went out to have drinks with a friend. I'm a lightweight and tell her I need to Uber home. She offers to wait. It's past midnight and there are no Ubers. Her place is down the street from the area we were barhopping and she says we can wait there. Before I proceed, this you woman had been flirting with me hard for about a year at this point, but I never really pursued her. Until now. I continued waiting for my Uber. And by that, I mean I actually canceled it and acted like the app still wasn't working or showing any available rides. I could tell she didn't want me to leave and we continued drinking. She sang me a song on her guitar (I have a weakness for singers/string instruments), and before you know it, she offers for me to stay the night. Being the dunce/gentleman I am, I offer to take her couch. She replies "you could sleep on the couch, wherever you are comfortable", with a ...

So it's been unbearably hot in our country for the last 3 weeks. And today it rained for the first time in a month. Its soo cool outside. We opened our windows to let in some air, but it didn't work so my boyfriend thought of opening our apartment door and opening the shared balcony so we could make the air move through the apartment. Well it worked. But our bedroom window is by the bed, and to get to it you have to climb the bed. And when the cross winds hit, the door to the room or the window closes, so I had the job of laying on the bed with my arm stretched out above my head to hold the window, and my foot stretched out to the side holding the door. The door of the bedroom is right in front of the apartment door and the apartment door is right in front of the elevator. Also because it's so unbearably hot, I'm wearing a big t-shirt with no underwear because I'm about to go to bed. You see where im going? So I'm laying there spread eagle, holding the damn ...

TIFU by looking at my classmate Today I really really fucked up, my life has been completely destroyed, everywhere I look I just see her again For context, I (f14) have a classmate that sits infront of me who is, well, a little behind on the curve. The usual stuff is just her eating her buggers and all that. So the casual booger meal is just normal to me, a little scratch of the arse, all that is just daily gross stuff but not at all that horrifying to casually stumble across. My point is that you can just forget about most of the stuff she does. Today was different... I saw her scratching her groin, put her fingers up to her mouth and lick. them. SHE LICKED THEM. After the traumatic event comes the ending to just pull everything together. She pulled a. pube. out. of. her. mouth. I can't unsee it, it is EVERYWHERE. This is a turning point on my life, theres is no going back. I long for the day I get dementia and forget all of this. I will accept free therapy or hypnosis that...

Obligatory this didn’t all happen today, more like over the past few weeks. (Edit- I am 18, she is 25) For some back story, I have a lot of trauma. I don’t have friends that I trust because of this, and my SIL is one of two people that I’m comfortable talking to. I’m in a place where I feel like I’m not worth getting help. I’ve been feeling like this for a long time and I’m just getting to a place where I feel like I might be able to, but I think I just fucked it all up again. I’m leaving for college in two days. Two weeks ago, my SIL asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner before I leave. I said yes obviously, because I want to spend time with her and my brother before I leave. For some more backstory, I got into a relationship about a month ago, and it got very serious very fast. It is making me happy, it is helping my self-esteem, and I am generally feeling better about my outlook on life and my mental health. My SIL does not approve of this relationship, because the way she f...

So let me add some context here, my entire family are night-owls (sister, me and fiance) aside from my mother. At around 3am I wasn’t feeling well and was really hot, I went to the bathroom for a crap. After a long and painful time on the toilet I was sweating and tired, so I was so excited to get back into bed with my fiance. After trudging my way to my bedroom door the handle wasn’t working, I shouted through the door to see if my fiance could open it from his side, alas I was trapped outside of my beautiful air conditioned room. Eventually my sister came out of her room and after about a half hour of removing the door handle and trying to force the mechanism open we ended up waking my mother. She tried her best bless her however her blood pressure dropped and she was rushed back to bed. So now it was my mother in bed, me sweating and unwell in the bathtub, and my sister left to break my fiance out of the bedroom. Another 10 minutes later I hear a loud thud and see that my sister ra...

My best friend (19F) recently noticed that her boyfriend (20) best friend is basically her, but male. Whitch, to be fair, is true. After that, her boyfriend does not know peace. She teases him to no end about how "he has a type". It's all in good fun, they love to tease each other and I am sure it is extra fun to her this time cause he usually has the upper hand. Anyway, the boyfriend and I (19) get along really well (that's expected considering that I am his close friend, I was the one that introduced them). Today during lunch we were talking and he was telling me how weird he was feeling over the fact that his best friend has the same personality as his girlfriend. I, without really thinking, told him that, well, my best friend also has a type considering that all of her past boyfriends (and her current one) are me. They all like the same stuff as me, have the same hobbies, eat the same shit, dress the same, have the same temper, and have the same personality t...

For starters I’m not going to say that cujo is a bad film but it certainly isn’t my favourite. About 2 weeks ago my family decided that we wanted to watch a movie on the projector we have out side, but after a few minutes of struggling to set it up then finding a movie we all wanted to watch we settled on watching the Stephen king horror: Cujo. At some point at the start of the movie my mother decided that she would take a photo of the movie on the projector and post it to Facebook. Not long after her posting the photo someone that we know commented asking if we was watching cujo, now we were all a bit confused how he managed to tell the movie was cujo from one picture but I respond to his comment by saying that yes it was cujo and then my mum asked how he knew it was cujo and then I jokingly asked wether it was his favourite film or not, he said it wasn’t his favourite film but it was a good one, and then I thinking it would be funny commented “cujo is my favourite film.” Now I thoug...

disclaimer: this didn't happen today but recently disclaimer 2: I'm a bit socially awkward and in some situations I just don't know what to say and usually make a fool of myself A few months ago I started going to this social meet up/club just to meet new people and such. People there are nice and I actually get chatting with one woman about singing. Let's call her Anny. Singing is basically my #1 hobby and same for her. So, anyway we talk about singing that time, and the next time, and the next time after that. At some point Anny tells me that she's in a pop choir and invites me to attend their concert. I say yes, as I'm genuinely curious to hear her sing, also I hadn't heard a pop choir before that and I like to check out performing musicians when I can. The week of the concert rolls around and I meet her at the club again. This time Anny tells me about the other choir she's also a part of and invites me to attend that performance too, which jus...

So it's been a minute since I've (23 f) uh..enjoyed some alone time since I've been on my period and can't stand the smell of blood. Well, my period ended today and so I decided I enjoyed some real fun after and awful week and broke out my trusted vibrator. Well it was real fun...till I stopped. The second the bliss was gone I felt Satan himself pinch my ass. I've done this once before so I figured it'd go away if I just stood up and stretched a little. Boy was I wrong because satan only gripped harder and twisted. Somehow, I managed to pull a muscle in my ass so bad I can not walk or stand up without wincing and groaning in pain. Best part of all: I just started a new job with a lot of weighted squatting....I'm so fucked TLDR: Masturbated so good I can't walk

I feel like I'm about to break down. My mom and dad are getting a divorce. My siblings are all moving out. I don't have a good enough job to get my own place. I don't really know what's going to happen. I really value my family being all together, but it just seems like everyone is going their own way now. I don't know if this is God's will or just the devil's plan for division. If I have to end up living somewhere on my own I don't know if I can make it. I don't think I can handle living away from all of my family, but it seems like I don't really have a choice. I don't have a girlfriend or a wife either to spend time with. I don't understand why this is happening. I know that me and my siblings would grow up eventually and get their own house and start their own family, but why is everyone moving so far away? We all love each other. We're a close family. I still have good friends where I currently live, but even they are starting ...

So some context I used to work at this place as a cook for about a year before it shut down and it’s been about 6 months since then. I’ve always had bad anxiety and I know I’ve done it to myself but I haven’t worked or really gone out or anything since they shut down and now I cant even keep up with my family or my friends I can’t look people in the eyes but I tried so hard to keep my act together for an interview at the same place after they reopened and apparently I did pretty good because now they want to bring me on as a manager. Before they shut down it was run as a franchise and the manager I had was so chill I literally had hours where all I did was watch YouTube and cook intermittently. Now it’s corporate so they have managers and owners are there the whole time they’re open and I know it would be a great opportunity since it’s close and would be making so much more money then anywhere else but I can barely talk to my friends how am I going to deal with customers and their fru...

A month ago, I had moved into a new place with two friends-of-friends, who I'll call Ram and Joe. They're both really chill and we have a lot in common. They make dinner for each other sometimes and hang out, and they've been inviting me to join them. That's not the problem. The problem is my drinking problem: aka the stupid amount of sparkling water I consume. Like I'm talking 4 cans a day minimum. I don't want to take up half the big fridge with my waters so I have a minifridge in my room which only has sparkling water of different brands. (My go-to is LaCroix and Perrier.) I go to Costco and I stock up in bulk about once a month. I work from home and my roommates don't, so I stay in my room a lot during the day. I keep a trashbag next to my desk so I can just toss the empty cans without going back and forth with the kitchen trashcan. After the bag gets too full I take it out to the trash chute, and I usually take the kitchen trashbag if it's full a...

A few years ago I took an Ancestry DNA test kit because I wanted to know my different ethnicities. I didn't take it to find any relatives or missing family, because my family is already pretty big and we keep in touch with just about everyone. I'm also not adopted, and my biological parents are still together. I don't frequent the website much, however, they will still send updates to my email about new ethnicity results and messages that I get on my account. I opened my email and had a message from someone who I didn't recognize. She didn't have any last names that would indicate that she is apart of my close or more extended family. For the sake of this story, I will call her Claire. Claire didn't take her ancestry test until February of this year, so I'm guessing that she was still navigating the website until she found me and my dad. My dad and I share the same last name, which is one that Claire didn't recognize from any of her close or more exte...