greenmangostudio

Obligatory this didn’t happen today disclaimer. My (24M) friend (24M) is a long time cheater. He and his current girlfriend (24F) were on and off for a while because he intended to keep sleeping around. After a year and a bit they made it official, but he kept sleeping around on the DL. He doesn’t actively seek it out, but jumps on many a chance to get it in elsewhere. Once official, he hosted a small get together pre-corona at his place and we were getting to some drinking games. At some point, I was on the same team as his gf. Now, this girl is super annoying about him, she’ll constantly talk him up and praise him in public to the point of absurdity. This being annoying is common sentiment among our acquaintances. When she started doing her thing and yapping about how cool her bf was while we were playing, she mentioned how he was a “sex god” and in a drunken reflex I responded with, “that’s not what I heard from [girl he cheated with]....” which was true but profoundly inappropr...

I know it may sound a little crazy, but hear me out. (throwaway for what I hope are obvious reasons.) Me and my discord buddies got high one night and looked up "[any animal] dick" just to see what we could find. I was doing most of the searching, and I forgot to open an incognito tab. We were really interested in the duck's for some reason (here's a fun fact you didn't ask for: they're shaped like corkscrews). The next day, my cousins came over to my parent's place to hang out, and one of them, we'll call her SA, asked if she could use my laptop. I gave it to her, thinking she just wanted to play some flash games or whatever. Later, I went to the kitchen to get a snack. When I finished eating, I sat on the couch and saw my laptop open with "duck dick" in the search bar. I heard SA in my room, but I managed to chase her out. (unnecessary detail: I had some duck decoys sitting on a cooler next to my desk) That was three or four hours ago....

So this happened about half an hour ago and after some groveling. Me and the gf are on the couch having a drink, watching rubbish on the TV. She made the comment GF: "would you still love me if i looked like that in 20-30years" in a joking cliche way. My genuine response being Me: "sure, if you still kept your sense of humour and personality" lovey dovey crap I know. GF: "Great, i can start to letting myself go now" A little background, she has a sizeable tumour around the uterus area, when I say sizeable think 2nd trimester size. Now for the FU, my stupid brain tries to make jokes all the time and about 80% of them are just crap. The next words that came out of my mouth were: Me:"you would look better if you didn't have the giant tumour" "you would better..." did I seriously just say those infamous words, words that ruin relationships. And of course I tried to back pedal with Me:"No, that's not what I meant to say...

This actually happened. Today. Just now. My wife woke me up because she was in the mood for sexy times. Taps me on shoulder and I’m ready to go. Things are going well and she takes her shirt off. I go at it a little more, but decide to take my shirt off as well. Still being half asleep, I am taking my shirt off and somehow in one insanely quick move my shirt is off and my right arm flies out of the sleeve and nails my wife DIRECTLY under her eye. It hurt my hand as well. Instant mood killer. I immediately apologize about 15 times in 5 seconds. I was so dumbfounded how this happened it made me wake up instantly out of sheer mortification. Not so fun fact: We recently found out my wife has an iron deficiency.... soooo she bruises waaaaay easier than most. The speed at which my arm came out of my shirt would probably bruise anyone, but the iron deficiency should only make matters worse. Her morning Zoom meeting tomorrow will be interesting to say the least. TLDR: Wife woke me up f...

Yes as the title says I'm the stupid motherfucker who came in his own eye 26 minutes ago, here's how it happened: So everyone has gone to sleep and I haven't beat my dick in a couple of days so I was tempted so of course I did it, maybe 5 minutes later I was gonna nut and as the stupid shithead I am wasn't paying attention to where my dick was pointing and it just sprayed into my eye, I closed my eye before it came in but I think some did come in anyway. Not only did it come in my eye but also all over the floor and my arms so my left eye closed with nut all over the outside I couldn't see with that I and I didn't have any clothing on so I went to get paper to take it up but it was hard. I bet if someone watched it in third person it would look retarted, i found paper and cleaned my eye with it then showered it with water. It hurts like a motherfucker and it keeps blinking, I mean is it normal to accidentally cum inside your own eye, no it's not. My eye...

I actually fucked up 8 years ago, but time has worn down my pride enough that I'm willing to finally share this story with the world. It was recently suggested to me that I leave my Christmas tree up a little longer in order to further enjoy the cheeriness it brings to the living room. This is an easy thing to suggest when you haven't seen the things I've seen. When you haven't done the things that my boyfriend and I have done. You see, when you have one year when you leave your tree up until May, that experience changes you. It changes Christmas forever. We have always used real trees as opposed to artificial ones, which means they need to be disposed of after the holidays. Back when we lived in an apartment they had a small window of time when you could leave the tree by the curb and they would haul it away for you. Unfortunately we missed that window, which turned into weeks and weeks of pretending the tree just... didn't exist. Sure the ornaments came down, b...

To preface, I’m 17 and my girlfriend is 18. We’ve been in a LDR for close to a year now. Every now and then, we’ll be able, with parents approval, to stay with each other at one of our houses for a small period of time. Last night, my girlfriend and I had been chilling in my basement (which is where she is staying) and we were both getting tired, and ready to go to bed. The issue with this was that we were both still craving to be with each other, and didn’t want to separate by the two floors we had been doing previously. We decided that the best way to try to do what we wanted but still appease my parents would be to have me sleep on a couch in our main room and she’d be on a couch in the back room. We did this, and it had been fine. When we woke up, however, my parents asked me whether or not I had slept downstairs. I was honest and said yes, but we’d made sure to do it in separate rooms to try to follow what they expected. Despite this, they still grilled me once my girlfriend ha...

I (22F) ordered 3 packs of sex toy wipes from Lovehoney as my fiance and I had ran out. The account was first made when I was a uni student living as a lodger with a 78 year old lady and was single and ready to mingle.. They were supposed to be delivered on 23rd December, however post arrives today and still no sight. I check the tracking and realise they have been delivered, to the house I used to lodge in. Me and the landlady have a friendly relationship but this was a new intimacy I didn't want. I sent her a quick text saying that a parcel arrived for me and would she mind forwarding it on, I would cover postage etc. She replied almost instantly to say she opened the parcel as there was no name (old people), and that the fancy wipes looked like a nice sample selection for her 2 year old grandson so she had given them to her son and his children for Christmas. I am MORTIFIED. The wipes themselves only say toy and body wipes on, but it is written underneath a huge Lovehoney log...

This wasn't today but I wasn't sure where else to post this - pre covid So a backstory, My friends partner was found out to be a cheat a few months before this but he forgave her and they moved on with their relationship Prior to this me and my partner would frequently go round for evening meals and movies and alternatively they would come to our house. So as usual we went round with pizza and had a nice meal and a few laughs. That was until their dog came into the living room. The dog brought in a tugging toy and came straight up to me, so we played a little until the little genius realised if he nipped my hand (playfully) I'd let go and he'd win. When he did this I said "you're a cheat just like "cheaters name" " Needless to say the atmosphere dropped, I was horrified and looked over at my friend and the cheater and their heads were dropped, my partner was staring daggers at me and we quickly said our goodbyes and left. Edit: just to cl...

It's 2:30 am right now and I'm sitting in my car beside my truck thinking how stupid I am. Worked a long 16 hour day and was looking for some home time. Yea I was going to get home just after 1 am, but it would be an issue as it the usual time I get home. Grabbed all of my cloth, my laptop and charger from my truck. Blasting music I get on a highway and drive home which is an hour away. Pull up in my driveway and realize "my house keys. Where are they? Oh damm I forgot them". Another 1 hour drive back to my truck. Mentally swearing at my own stupidity as I drive back (I live alone so no one can open a door). Now I gotta drive home and mentaly preparing for another drive as it will be 20 hours and 40 minutes since I woke up yesterday TL;DR for got my keys and spent 3 hours getting home

Obligatory: This was actually several years ago. It was my first morning after my first night at a graveyard shift job, and I was beat. The hubs was at work, the teen was at school, and the munchkin was at daycare. I was home alone. I was also hungry, but too tired to actually cook something. We had no microwave at the time, and there were no left-overs. So my lazy and tired ass grabbed a package of hotdogs from the freezer, filled a pot of water, and tossed them in, package and all. Then I sat down on the sofa to wait for them to cook. Big mistake. I fell asleep, and when I woke up, the house was filled with smoke. I yanked the boiled-dry pot off the stove, and saw my hotdogs were ruined. I mean, even the plastic wrap was melted to the pot (damn, my favorite one, too!). I hacked and wheezed my way to the hall, and opened up the attic fan to clear out all the smoke. Not a moment later, there came an urgent banging on my door, and I answered it. It was the cable guy, who was on a ...

Happened yesterday. I have a bad gut, been tested for Crones, had a colonoscopy and all that jazz and have been ‘cleared’, what ever that means... Some foods/drinks set me right off. I’m on holiday with my wife and kids. The first actual family holiday with just us (gotta thank Covid for the reasons we came to this) anywho, had an awesome day out with the fam, went to an awesome restaurant, and ate an awesome meal, also, had a couple of yum wines with my steak (sorry vegos/vegans, I do like your life choices). My kids dessert arrived, my wife’s didn’t, we waited around for about 10mins after the kids had finished theirs and the restaurant hadn’t put it through, all good. We leave. (That’s important because in the past I can tell when my bowels are going to open), yeah nah, not last night... We leave. Wifey grabs an ice cream from a nearby shop and I take the kids to the car to buckle them in. And that’s when it starts... after belting my 6yo son into his seat I find myself standing ...

Obligatory didn't happen today. Last week my girlfriend and I were visiting her family and staying there for the holiday. We were there for 4 days and had gone without any sex (we usually have sex at least once a day). Naturally, we both became horny and decided we would do the deed when the time was right. Christmas Eve her family decides to go to church and we stay back for fear of catching covid and to have sex. 5 min after they leave it starts. My girlfriend is on me like a starved wolf finally getting to eat. I'm all up on her like peanut butter and jelly except our skin is the bread. We are in the living room because her family isn't supposed to be back for at least an hour. Now my girlfriend has a specific kink and she prefers things of the "much larger" variety. When I say much larger I truly mean gigantic. Even though I am well endowed the toys she uses do not compare. One thing she particularly enjoys is when I use these on her. Her favorite toy is a 13...

Since the fire of our appartment complex, we've been dealing with our insurance at giving price of the list of total lost they gave us. I was in the tools sections and as i was browsing prices on Internet, i went on googling Milwaukee M18 & M12 Charger price as my charger was separately bought (got a free M18 power drill but no charger) so i landed on this Milwaukee website showing great deals (thinking meh must be Boxing Day prices) then i saw this kit of 5 tools for less than 100USD. I was okay i need tools that is just perfect, place the order use my visa debit card through PayPal. All is fine. I later decide to order my dog food on my usual website (she can only eat TLC Pet Food as her stomach is difficult) as I proceeded the purchase it dawned on me that I haven't received a confirmation order like my dog food and I went back to the website which is clearly fake. I just finished talking with my bank that asks me to call them in 2 weeks 🤦‍♂️ TL:DR i fell for a scam ...

This happened a couple hours ago. For some context, I (F19) was born and raised in an extremely religious household. My parents homeschooled me and basically sheltered me my whole life. Earlier today, I made a post talking about my experience tonight masturbating. I used a throwaway account because my main one has my art that I post and sell. I don't want to repeat the same post, but it was a bit crude (something I'm totally not used to). Every night, my mom goes through my phone and checks everything. I am used to this routine and never have anything to fear. Except tonight. I was talking with a few people in the chats and forgot to switch accounts with my main one. My mom saw my post and went insane. I'd rather not repeat what she said. She made me pray for half an hour straight and beg God for forgiveness. Meanwhile, she's throwing out all my art supplies and my dad is taking down my bedroom door. She told me that as soon as we're allowed to travel, we'...

So for a while now my family has been putting off the lead inspectors for some reason, and today is the day they come over (of which I was told only yesterday halfway through the day), so I help out in cleaning up the apartment. I having just gotten done with a stressful semester of college showered about a week ago and have been living like a sloth-filth-monster for the past week (first semester was pretty stressful). Cue today. I'm sitting and I realize, my testicles are giving off a smell. If I can smell it then that means they'll be able to smell it. I in my infinite wisdom search for a perfume, but the one I find goes " " whenever I spray it, so I decide to look for another one. But since we cleaned up, everything had been re-sorted/shuffled. Running out of time and luck, I find the sanitizer glowing like a celestial being. I grab it, and get some on my hand to rub down there. 5 seconds of a somewhat nice cooling feeling, and then an intense burning follows...

I was watching Jeopardy on the couch with ze wife, it was late, dark and cold outside. Suddenly, in the middle of our late friend Alex Trebek describing some clue, we hear a voice inside the house - loud and close - say, « HELLO! » in a goofy, taunting way. Confirmed wife also heard someone in the house, very close, not the TV. Initiate freak out mode. Doors locked. Kids are asleep upstairs, immediately check their rooms while wife watches the basement steps. Upstairs clear, kids asleep. Check all bathrooms, cabinets etc. All that’s left is the basement, where I recently turned off the electrical breakers because of an issue (no lights.). Decide, logically, to call the cops because whoever said HELLO is almost certainly in the basement. Cops show up, flashlights on / hands on weapons go down and search the basement, help with another search upstairs. House totally clear. Cops were cool about it and we filled out a quick report, but totally bizarre because all the doors were...

A old friend started talking to me few months ago, things went pretty well. We spiced up things, and decided spend new year together as we're clearly both into each other. So I took a plane, rented a hostel, after we arrive in the hostel, she didn't like it so I went and rented a hotel at 1am. We kissed in the hotel room, but she said that she wouldn't stay as she would be having dinner with her relatives. Next morning I went grocery shopping for the things she likes, and for a shit ton of drinks. Right after I came back, she messaged me saying that it wouldn't work out and we probably shouldn’t be seeing each other. I used to had a rule to don't spend more than 30 bucks in uber for a date, old me was right. At least anxiety didn't left me, yet Tl;Dr: already spent way more than I had planned, staying in a city I don't know anything, and will be alone for the next days, including new years.

So, this happened maybe 20 or so years ago. Met this girl at work and we hit it off. Always all flirty around each other and after a little while, she invited me to her place. I went over and we started drinking and watching TV. Started fooling around and made our way to the bedroom. I was pretty plastered but at one point I asked her if she took it in the ass. I'd never banged anybody in the ass before but figured what the hell. So, I put a condom on and she proceeded to straddle me while I was laying down. I don't remember anything after that really. Apparently during, I passed the fuck out and my hard on went away. When she got off of me, because I didn't have a boner anymore the condom slid off when my johnson slid out and left the condom in her ass. Apparently she had to dig around for it and pull it out. She told me the next morning. So yeah, that was embarrassing. We were together for about 3 or 4 years afterwards. TL:DR: Went to chicks house. Got plastered drunk. ...

Quick background. My wife and I were having a light-hearted argument about the best way to clean feet. I told her that I like to put a bit of body soap on the shower floor and then quickly move my feet back and forth over the soap until clean. She thought that was incredibly stupid. So fast forward to today, I'm taking my shower and get the brilliant idea to take a video of my method, because obviously she just didn't understand. I grab my phone and try to balance it and the soap bottle. Then I proceed to my method. I was trying to keep the video tasteful, but wasn't super worried, seeing as the recipient was my wife, so there was some floppy in the video for a brief second. I finish cleaning my feet and go to send the video through messenger. And yeah, I did the thing I never thought I would do, I sent it to the D&D group chat. I panicked and tried to undo but the phone had some significant moisture on it, as well as my fingers so didn't quite make it. I jumped...

Obligatory this was around five years ago. I was picking up my boyfriend at the time from his job as a line cook. We both had a drink when I got there so we needed to hang out for an hour before heading home in order to be legal. In order to pass the time, he pulled out an mp3 player and was showing me some songs from a bunch of his favourite online creators. They were really varying in quality--some were really good and others were just ok--but there was one that bugged me. I didn't listen to the lyrics very well because I was trying to figure out why it sounded so familiar. I knew I had never heard any of these before, and yet I could almost have sung along. All at once I recognized the baseline. The artist had replaced all the lyrics, and the instruments were different, but it was unmistakable. It was #1 Crush. A little startled by the realization, I pulled the headphones off and declared "This is Garbage!" I have never seen such a wounded expression. He's yo...

I'm a doctor working in the ER and there are a lot of COVID patients every day. I know the routine of putting on all the protective gear, the masks, the treatment- this wasn't my first rodeo with COVID. ​ The patient is older, and is currently hypoxic (not getting enough oxygen), and I am suspecting a super infection with bacterial pneumonia on top. At first the patient is on 3 liters of O2, but the nurse calls me in because she can't get an arterial blood sample and it needs to be done with ultrasound to find the artery. Get into all the gear, go in with scanner, get the sample, evaluate the person, increase oxygen, get out and confer with my attending, get all the COVID regiment going. ​ The patient desaturates again- oxygen saturation needs to be above 95% in people with no lung diseases- above 92% can be acceptable in COVID cases. The patient is at 84%. On goes the gear, new arterial blood sample, increase oxygen, stabilize the patient. ​ Rinse and repeat until I...

Well, this happened two nights ago, but same difference. The other night I decided to order some quality pizza for my partner and I for dinner. I was looking for something relatively cheap, but also wanted to support a local business (rather than a big chain pizza restaurant). So, I found a place on Uber Eats called Pasqually’s Pizza. Affordable pizza, super affordable wings, sounds like it’s a small business! What a deal! Order gets delivered quickly, arrives intact, everything is okay, until I open the pizza. Eh... pretty cheap-looking, but I guess that’s what I paid for. Then I check out the wings. They honestly sucked. I took one bite and couldn’t stomach another. I went online to see where this place was. Wow, that’s weird, it’s exactly where Chuck E. Cheese’s is. It didn’t take long for me to realize that Pasqually is a character from the Chuck E. Cheese universe and Pasqually’s Pizza is their internal cafe. We had a good laugh, I ate the crappy pizza, and learned my lesson....

To preface this, I work for Geek Squad as a home theater installer. We were doing a pre-wire for a surround sound and I went to grab the tools and everything from our van. The only place to park was between two houses in a sort of narrow cul-de-sac and both houses had a nearly identical architecture. After grabbing all of the tools, I walk back to the home that I thought I had just left. So without knocking, I walk right through the front door that was unlocked and start walking down the stairs to their basement when I realize that none of this looks familiar anymore and It begins to dawn on me that this is not the same house. Suddenly, I hear a scream and turn to look and an elderly woman in her 60s is staring at me, completely terrified. The weather is in the 30s so I was wearing a jacket over my geek squad uniform, so all this poor woman saw was a man wearing a heavy jacket and mask, carrying a ladder and hammer, and walking up from her basement. I am obviously at a loss for word...

I regret everything I ever thought was a good idea, and the only way of making myself feel better about this situation is by posting. I am NOT a buttplay type of girl. I’ve always found it uncomfortable personally, but my partner has some sort of obsession with the poopoo hole, so that’s the preface. That night, I had a little too much to drink. Me and my boyfriend were watching a movie and things started to get a little frisky, as they do. It started out as just a normal session, until my boyfriend brought up the idea of “working up the dildo train” to stretch my bumhole into shape so he could then defile me in the way which he desired. My drunk ass though, “Okay! Bet!” (because drunk me has no common sense) and I produced a fairly small makeup brush. We lubed it up, I bent over, and he pushed it in slowly. And he pushed it in DEEP (to the point where the bristles were barely sticking out of my bumhole like tiny hairs). I was just laughing so hard and found it amusing and strangely ...

Last night I was playing Risk of Rain 2 with my brother and we were in a discord channel with one of his friends. I was using discord through my phone since my computer headset died and the charger was too short to use while wearing it. I used my Bluetooth headphones for my phone and when I was done playing I turned off my headphones but forgot to leave the discord channel. I had to work this morning but my brother and his friend kept playing so they stayed on that channel. I have a few medical issues and every day I have to do an enema in order to get the poop out of me and my stomach was bothering me so I figured I would do one before bed. I took my phone with me in the bathroom so I could browse Reddit while pooping because it’s boring sitting on the toilet for 10 minutes without it. I started doing my enema and proceeded to explosively shit for 5 minutes when I hear a faint voice coming from my phone. I put it closer to my ear and realized it was my brother yelling my name loudl...

This happened last year, but I'm finally ready to write this. So, first I want to say, I am a huge Office fan. I adore the show, and know all the important quotes by memory. My close friendship are also huge fans, and we basically make Office references all the time. Even in my workplace, one other woman is a HUGE Office fan, and we reference it all the time. So, about a year ago, my boss's friend's son (we'll call him X) joined the workplace (it's a telecommunications place, we sell office communication bundles). My boss is black, and so was his friend's son. I'm a middle-aged white man, and I promise, 100% not racist. So, we're all pretty close, and we regularly eat in, typically pizza. So, one day, it's on me to order the food, and it's pizza day. So, I'm going round, asking people whether they are fine with it, and I go to ask X. I ask him, then make a reference to Michael Scott's famous quote "Do Black people like pizza?...

I’m a high school senior (I am 18 though so if you see my Secret Santa posts no I didn’t lie about my age ;)) My family has always been very poor and I am the youngest of three kids. When my sister went to college, she went to one of the top schools in the country on a huge scholarship but her degree still left my family struggling financially. I didn’t want to be like my sister. I started working when I was 16 and balanced two jobs with lots of extracurriculars and school. I worked my ass off day and night to save as much money as possible so my parents didn’t have to worry about me. Now, I applied to three colleges on a fee waiver my school gave me. Early decision has come out for them and... I got in to all three. One of these is my absolute dream school, the same top college my sister went to. The other two are less competitive schools that I mostly applied to as a safety net in case my dream didn’t work out. One of my safety schools gave me almost a full ride worth of scholarsh...

To be clear this happened on Christmas, just got around to writing this today. I was chilling on a minecrafter's stream, the chat was the same as any day by chanting "arson pog" and "be gay do crime", y'know the usual. I was getting bored with it and had extra money to spare, so I donated some bits to say something along the lines of "I'm going to say it chat, I brush my teeth before drinking oj on purpose." It gained the traction I wanted with the chat being appropriately disgusted. I do like the taste of orange juice after something minty, mainly because the reaction tends to be like this. Anyway, the disgust begins to die down but I can't have that. I message again "if you brush your teeth before drinking oj it gives the next sour texture I need. Kind of like the tingling feeling garlic bread has." Completely normal right? Wrong! People start telling me garlic bread doesn't tingle and I look it up on google and shows...

This happened way back in university with my then ex who was a conservative type girl who wanted to save herself for marriage, but secretly very adventurous in bed, so it’s a very stale TIFU, but one that I recall fondly(?). Anyways, we would do almost everything else except actual penetration to skip the grey line, and at that time, ass eating was just becoming a thing. For the uninitiated, it involves putting your licking bits in close proximity of the area where the sun don’t shine. After an inspirational TED talk about the joys of anal by a sexually liberated Japanese girl at a house party, I wanted to try it out, and to my surprise, my then girlfriend agreed! Woop! We did some butt stuff before, but it was just a finger or two, and I was really excited about it. Cue showtime after she went in to clean herself , came out, and got into doggy and presented herself. I didn’t really know what to do, so I very gently gave the flower a gentle flick of the tongue. Wrong move. Peopl...

Ok to this this happened and can’t believe it. Anyways I (26M) was feeling horny, decided to use a cucumber with a condom on as a dildo as I have been staying at my parents house for a while now and did not bring any of my adult toys. I grabbed a cucumber from the fridge, grab my poppers and went to town on my butthole. After I finished playing with myself, I take off the condom for easy clean up, go discreetly dispose of the evidence and shower to clean myself off. This is where the fuck up begins. I know it’s wasteful but I was going to throw away the cucumber, as it has been shoved up my ass for at least 25 minutes. As I was throwing it away my mom comes in the kitchen to start dinner. First thing she ask me is to hand her the cucumber for her to start cutting for the salad. I pretend to drop it, so I can wash it for use but still. I won’t get the thought I ate my cucumber dildo with my family. TLDR: my family and I ate my cucumber dildo

So my shower drain has been kinda smelly so I decided baking soda and vinegar down the drain would do the trick. Immediately after finishing with that task I figured, might as well clean the shower walls with some Foaming Bathroom Bleach. So I’m scrubbing and the whole bathroom starts to smell funny, I try not to breathe while scrubbing but it gets stronger. I scrubbed for like 2 minutes or less then decided to look up if bleach + vinegar is toxic and it turns out that it creates chlorine gas just like Ammonia + Bleach. Feeling very stupid and cold because I’m sitting outside with all the windows open. Don’t think the ppm were too high because I am not suffering any lasting effects besides fresh air smelling weird. TLDR; bleach + vinegar = not a good idea and I am stupid

Slightly disgusting story, this actually happened about a year and a half ago. My (now ex) boyfriend had come into town to visit me and wanted to take me to Victoria's Secret and I'm like hell yeah man lets go, so we hop in the truck and head out. I'm walking around looking at stuff but I'm just not feeling it, I'm letting out horrible gas every 10 minutes. There was an employee that kept following me around, twice she asked me if I needed help to which I declined. I was doing my best to keep my distance but the third time she bugs me right as I'm letting out the most noxious fart cloud, so I once again decline and quickly walk away.. and then SHE WALKS DIRECTLY INTO THE FART CLOUD. I think she got the picture, she did not come back to bother me a fourth time. TL;DR let out a horrible fart, VS employee got caught in the crossfire

So I live in a landlocked state where weed is still illegal, so we have to go really far to get legal stuff. So today I'm in need and I message my guy who lives a few blocks away. Everythings normal and I get in my car to go to his place.(I've probably been there about 10 times.) Obviously it's December so everything looks a little different on account of the snow. So I pull in and let him know im there but something in my gut says its the wrong house, he texts back and says, "come in but don't knock my dogs will freak". So now im pretty shook up because I don't think I'm at the right place and I can't knock right? So I walk up to the door and open it to see a man in his 70s standing in his boxers making a sandwich in the kitchen. Whoops so I apologize explicitly and to my surprise he smiles and says "your here for (guy) aren't you?" So im shaken at this point and I say yes with hesitation right as my guy comes out of the bathroom. T...

Today I fucked up by calling Nintendo for a refund. My little brother (5) had been telling me he got this game and that game on the switch for free and I was asking him now, skeptical of course. I went to go check out his account and my debit card was linked to it. I talk to him about it and told him not to do that again, de linked my card, and then proceeded to get in contact with Nintendo support via text. Over our text conversation, they told me they couldn’t refund me as I had used a refund before, my one allotted refund. My stubborn self was determined to receive my $50 back, so I called the support line with my 12 digit number for my case. I got in contact with a representative and told him the situation and he said he would look into it. After a couple of minutes he informed me he had to delete my brothers account because it was in violation of COPA laws because he was five and had my credit card on it and was making purchases. In a panic I told him he didn’t and he told me tha...

I was in my backyard chopping wood when the neighbours walked by with their dog. The boy is about 10 years old and I've always had a good relationship with him and them. I asked him if he had ever used an axe before, and then I messed up because I absentmindedly then said 'have you ever been in a Turkish prison', using the quote from the great movie Airplane. Apparently his parents had never seen the movie before because they kept walking towards their house silently. It all didn't really process to me and I followed up by asking him if he had ever seen a grown man naked. This all just happened a few minutes ago and I am still processing it. I'm slightly afraid that they are going to call the authorities on me. It's a very small town and at the very least this will probably lead to some bad gossip about me. The irony is that I have a son too and we have watched Airplane together and I truly meant no harm in my words… TL;DR My neighbors have never seen the movi...

This didnt happen today but 2 years ago but I was reminded of it today. Spoilers for GOT ahead During the last season of GOT me and my friends had a deal where if one of us hadn't watched the newest episode yet it was fair game to spoil. I missed S8 E2 where Arya fucks Gendry. I was vibing at my friends house and she brought it up. In my head Arya was still like 12 years old so I went "No fucking way". To prove me wrong she had to find the scene to show me and since it wasn't a major spoiler I didn't mind. This was the day after the release so it wasn't on any mainstream video services so obviously we tried pornhub because it was of that nature. We found it and started watching. About 30 seconds in her mam walks into the sitting room and since the sofa was angled in such a way she had full view of what we were watching and the pornhub logo above the video. Two 16 yo, one boy, one girl casualy watching porn in the sitting room. Needless to say I was asked...

I got a call yesterday morning informing from the employer I signed a work contract with informing me that my reddit account had been linked with a post about falsifying information on my resume. I am not even sure how the employer I signed a work contract with even found my reddit as it isn't linked to any personal email, my name, or other social media usernames. But the post they linked me to was a COMMENT I made on a post in r/illegallifeprotips where a user suggested people lie and fake documents on their resume to get a job. My comment was essentially saying that was a terrible idea and I would just really sell myself on the duties I have done in the resume rather than lie and fake documents. I tried explaining how I did not make the post but rather a comment on the post basically telling people not to obey the post. This wasn't acceptable to them apparently, the recruiter and his manager I went through to get the job even went as far as to tell my "future employer...

I spent Christmas at my student house this year as my parents are old and I didn’t want to risk bringing anything home to them. Anyway, I’ve spent the festive period drinking and playing games with my housemates. The other day, we were daring each other to do shit and I blurted out that one of the guys should stick his dick in a beer bottle. A bunch of them turned to me like, “Are you serious?” They were confused. Their confusion confused me. They were like, “I don’t even think it’s possible for a penis to fit...” I became all sheepish and they clocked that I was packing a Tic Tac. I had no idea I was that far below average but apparently I was. What followed was an illuminating Q&A where they asked me questions about my cock. I answered openly and honestly. Some of them didn’t believe me and asked to see it. I agreed to let one of the girls take me to the bathroom to “inspect” me. When she saw it, she literally gasped, hand over mouth. On our way back into the living room she ...

This actually happened yesterday, but I didn't even think about posting it til now. I was dying a new coat I got for Christmas. It was this nasty off white color that made it look like the coat started out as white, then was left in a smokers room, right next to where they smoke, for 3 years, then someone put it in a box and gave it to me. I wanted to dye it black and use it as a more dressy coat for special occasions. I had to stir the coat around in the dye for 15 minutes straight, then every 5 minutes for 45 minutes. I was wearing gloves while doing this, but unknowingly pushed too hard/far into the dye, causing it to fill my gloves and splatter onto my arms. The dye turned my arms a greenish-grey color, and now my hands look like the skin is rotting. As a fan of horror and gore, I think it looks kinda cool and zombie-esque, but its going to stain my hands for a while. TLDR: While dying a new coat black, I accidentally dipped my hands too far into the bucket, causing it to ...

This actually happened yesterday morning. I was cleaning my house, tidying up to get some work done when my two dogs decided to summon the hounds of hell. They've done this a few times, but always inside, usually when I'm leaving the house and they want to go with me. Well, not yesterday. Yesterday, they were in my fully fenced backyard and decided to start howling, barking, and generally just doing the dog equivalent of screaming at the top of their lungs. I was really embarrassed and worried someone would call the cops and think my dogs were being abused or something so I ran outside and started begging them to please stop, however, the situation got to me after a minute and I started giggling while hysterically saying "please stop" and "please don't do this". Apparently my near-hysterical voice sounds very much like I'm begging for my life because I managed to get the girls calmed down and in the house and about 30 seconds later my neighbor came ...

Didn't happen today but 2 days ago and I can't stop laughing at is now, so I am from an asian country where english is not the native language but it is pretty dominant. Here a lot of people pronounce the sound of "sk" as "ks" so desktop sounds like dekstop. My friend and I were bantering about the same and having a good time then I thought some people call hard discs, "Hard Dicks" and I found it super funny then how would people pronounce floppy disks, my friend said something that implied that he did not know what floppies are so I decided to send him a photograph, I went to google image search and accidentally searched "Floppy Dicks" instead of "Floppy Disks", now I need eye bleach. tldr: was joking with friend about people pronouncing floppy disks as floppy dicks and searched for floppy dicks on google instead. now I need eye bleach.

I (F18) am a borderline hoarder. I don’t have the issue of getting rid of stuff because I think I need it, I’m just a lazy person. So naturally that starts to build up over time. Now add to the fact that I have let clutter build up over the span of at least three to six years, which I’m fully aware is disgusting. I’m not proud of it. Around two days ago I was tasked with getting my bedroom cleaned before New Years. Now to paint you a little picture, there was boxes of junk, dirty clothes all over, clothes spilling out of drawers, and you couldn’t really see the carpet. So needless to say this wasn’t going to be an easy job. As I’m cleaning (under my bed to be more specific), throwing out stuff and donating what is able to be donated, I noticed a little beetle like bug. Now I hadn’t noticed any while under the bed, it wasn’t until I got out from under the bed did I notice it on my pants. Upon closer inspection it was just the shell of a big, like a cicada shell but way smaller. At f...

So I bought a nose hair waxing kit a while back and have been amazed at how waxing my nose hair has improved my life to an utterly unexpected degree. No more stuffy or itchy noses. No more errant hairs or visible boogers. It doesn’t even hurt as long as you don’t hesitate during the pull. Anyways, I was reveling in my nose-hairless experience when I got the brilliant idea to wax my ear hair. I didn’t even have much ear hair. I was just so drunk on hairlessness that I was willing to try anything. I waxed up the pulling plugs which resemble chess pawns an inserted one into each ear. The wax hardens almost immediately creating an airtight super tacky seal in the ear canal. Hoping to avoid unnecessary pain I gave each of them a merciless tug simultaneously. It was at that point that I noticed my wrists and shoulders were covered with spatters of blood. I had neglected to realize that unlike my nose, there was a thin yet important membrane inside my ear blocking the entire inside. The ...

I’m currently on holiday with the family, staying in swanky accommodation that my aunt, who is fairly well off, owns. Earlier today I went for a run and went to shower afterwards. I was kinda in the mood for a wank so I grabbed my fave dildo (she’s so beautiful) and satisfyer pro into the (ceramic tiled!!) bathroom. I stupidly put my pile of clothes, towel and sex toys beside the sink, and went to lock the door behind me. In that time, the glass dildo slipped and clattered (LOUDLY) to the floor, smashing cleanly into two pieces. I’m positive the whole house would have heard it, the noise was ridiculous and all the other rooms were open. As I went to open the bathroom door to inconspicuously stash the pieces in my room, I could hear my dad call “what was that!?” from the other side. I stuffed the pieces behind me in the waistband of my leggings, said “nothing, don’t worry!” and prayed he wouldn’t interrogate me more. I’m sure he thought I smashed something expensive of my aunt’s, but t...

So this is a long one, but it’s fucking bad. It started with my friend Sara, and her fiancé Mike. They’ve been together for 4 years, good people (or so I thought), doing ok in life. They recently bought a house, both have decent jobs, happy little boring American family. Sara calls me out of the blue a month ago and tells me she’s left Mike, that she met a guy in another state while she was visiting family, and that things with Mike just weren’t working out. I thought it sucked, Mike is a good guy, but it’s none of my business. I hadn’t talked to her much since the holidays are insane with work and family stuff, and I figured she was sorting out moving and such. So a few days ago I’m scrolling through Facebook and I see pictures of Sara with her new guy celebrating Christmas. I thought “cool, I think the situation was kind of reckless, but I’m glad things are going ok”. That’s as far as my thought process went, and I should’ve looked deeper, here’s where it gets bad. I get a message...

I got my wife Stardew Valley on Switch for Christmas this year because she has been going balls deep on Animal Crossing this year but has been running out of stuff to do. Well, except for making Snow Boys right now, which really seems more like a exercise in frustration than anything. So I thought Stardew Valley would give her a nice change. I also got Lets Go! Evee from my parents. Now I tried out Stardew Valley on Christmas Day after a few too many Irish Coffees had been drank, and my wife had fallen asleep...and I realllly like it. I played all day Saturday while we recovered from our caffeinated Jameson binge while she watched The Office because there are only a few days left for that. She tried out Stardew too, but just couldn’t into it. So I kinda hogged the Switch all Saturday. On Sunday she decided to try out Lets Go! Evee while I watched The Mandalorian, and she got reallly into it. Powering through, really Catching. Them. All. I even watched her beat Misty last night, exc...

So this happened a few days ago. My parents were gone and I knew they would be gone for about an hour. So I decided that I would get myself off. I stripped down, laid down on the couch, and started jacking off. My plan was to just cum all over myself so the cum wouldn’t go flying everywhere. Everything was going well. I could feel that an orgasm was gonna come soon. Suddenly, right before I was about to cum, my pet dog jumped onto my lap, and looked up at me. I came onto my dog’s butt. I immediately rolled over and got the dog off of me. I freaked out, my parents were gonna be home in like 15 minutes and my dog was covered in my cum. I ran to get wipes, wiped myself off, and then grabbed my dog and started wiping its ass. Did all this while still naked as well. I got all the cum off, and threw the wipes away, and then got dressed quickly. 5 minutes later, my parents get home. They have no idea, and they never will. TL;DR: Masturbated while my parents were gone, dog jumped onto ...

Obligatory Im on mobile. My Fiancé (26m) and I (25f) are both students and are currently quarantining at my parents house for the lockdown my province is in as we are getting married in two days (micro zoom based wedding). I started my period almost a full week early so I didn’t happen to have anything with me and haven’t been here a full two weeks so I can’t leave the house until tomorrow. I texted my sister (24f) to see if she had anything and she brought me a few tampons. I’m not a big tampon user to begin with and these were a different size and brand than I usually use but it shouldn’t be a problem right? Nope I couldn’t be more wrong. A few hours later I went to the bathroom and when I went to go change it I couldn’t find it. Assuming maybe it had just fallen out when I sat down I checked the toilet and nothing. It was no where to be found. I spent the next twenty minutes digging around my own bits trying to get it out. Contorting myself into shapes I haven’t been in before, sq...

So this happened last week, you know in the midst of all the Christmas chaos. I work for one of those delivery companies that's rather well known world wide. I should also point out that It was my coworkers fault and not mine. Anyway I had just finished unloading my truck and was depositing my "ground packages" into it's proper bin and taking care of my paper work when there's a commotion coming from the front of the station. In comes marching the paramedics and fire department looking for an injured man with the name (for anonymity we will call him "Jon Snow." I know not very original or cool anymore, but with my newfound time I've invested in audiobooks. I'm already on book 4. ) Anyway I tell them "oh hang on, there's no injury I know of. Let me go ask my station supervisor." (I know good lil worker bee me. But seeing as I've been back at the station for a total of 5 minutes, I don't know wtf is going on) So I go back...

My 3 year old son is at the tail end of potty training. Our only bathroom is on the second floor of our home, and the stairs are blocked by a baby gate (we have another 1 year old son who thinks injuring himself is hilarious, or something), so he put a small training potty on the linoleum at the bottom of the stairs. He has gotten really good at handling his business on his own and only calling for help if he really needs it, or a wipe. As such, sometimes my wife and I are unaware that he has gone #1 in his training potty. Such was the scenario that occurred not 10 minutes ago. I was going upstairs, noticed his potty had some pee in it, so I took the bowl upstairs to empty, leaving the seat downstairs. When I go to the bathroom, I noticed a light in the vanity had burned out, so I went to the basement to get a replacement. I replaced the bulb, and took the burned out one to the trash. Satisfied with my bit of handyman-ing, I sat down in my office to check my last few emails and log o...

Obligatory not happened today but few years ago. My mother tongue is Telugu (A South Indian language). My second language is English and Hindi my third(not as fluent). In college, I gave audition for a play. It was a simple audition where you have to speak in Hindi in front of 100 other students until the judges say to stop. It was my turn and it was going okay. I said about myself, about my city, etc. I was running out of things to say. The judges didn't say stop. So my brilliant mind came up with this idea to talk about my roommate who was also at the audition in the audience. So I pointed at him and started saying things about him. This is where I fucked up. Telugu and English doesn't have the concept of gender, but Hindi does. In English, everything other than a male or female person has a neutral gender. The pronoun will be 'it'. In Telugu , everything other than a male person has a female gender. The pronoun will be 'she'. In Hindi, everything has a ge...

This happened quite a few years ago, but after the year we've all had I thought you might appreciate a funny story. I was a second year drama student at Birmingham Uni and had to take my sound and lighting assessment which wasn't my strong point. I was assigned to work on the major production of the year which was Ibsen's Peer Gynt directed by a member of staff rather than the students, so it was quite a big deal. It involved a load of sound and lighting effects including a live string quartet, Grieg's musical score and lots of sound effects on a reel-to-reel tape recorder. My job was to operate the tape recorder up in the sound box at the back of the auditorium and I had a copy of the script with all the sound queues marked on it. All I had to do was queue up each effect, press start/stop and use the faders on the desk if necessary, while my friend did everything else because she knew what she was doing. It was quite complex but everything went smoothly in rehearsa...

This happened today, just a couple hours ago in fact. I was doing my post work scroll through reddit when I came across this wonderful post on r/natureismetal of still alive and decaying salmon, post spawn salmon, when my family called me to dinner. As I made my way to join my family I came across this wonderful comment https://www.reddit.com/r/natureismetal/comments/kl3fby/xpost_from_rhardcorenature_creek_of_the_living/gh72r4k/ The image the comment projected into my head was a revolting as it was funny. It gave me a chuckle as I entered the room. Of course my family demanded to know what I found so funny.... Now, as a West Coaster, we live in a city near where fish spawn, die, and rot. We’re so famous for it, in fact, there’s a city in our region named after the smell of rotten fish. So to say we’re familiar with the sight and smells of annual decay is in understatement. As I relayed the story to them, I added a bit of embellishment not knowing what was to come. As my family sl...

I am staying the night with my GF tonight and she sleeps with the door open because she has young kids. I bring my dog with me when I stay and she sleeps on the floor by the bed, however she's a woly puppy and will run out the open door and go wake her kids up in the middle of the night. I came up with the idea to leash my dog to the leg of the bed so she can't go far and cause trouble. So here's were the FU comes in: We are starting to get things ready for bed and my GF and her grandma are in the kitchen. I walk in and ask, "Hey babe, is the leash still in your bedroom?" Her grandma turns around with the biggest look of suprise on her face. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even bother trying to explain and quickly walked away while my GF lost if laughing. TL;DR I asked my GF if she still had the [dog's] leash in her bedroom. Her grandma was there and took it out of context.

Today my mom caught me masturbating in the shower, I thought I locked the door but I never did. I usually have my phone with me when I shower so I can listen to music but today I decided to watch porn and masturbate while showering. Have a stand thingy against the wall to put some shampoo bottles and it was a perfect place to put my phone there. So the shower is a corner shower, it has like doors you can close and open. I couldn’t hear anything outside the closed in shower until I heard someone scream behind me, it was my mom. She saw me ass naked while masturbating to some sketchy ass porn, she never saw what I was looking at luckily. She only saw my back while doing the famous signature movements with my left hand. My soul almost left my body when I slowly looked behind me, she kept yelling at me and then rushed out the toilet. Couldn’t quite hear what she said because the shower was on but I bet it was something horrific. Still haven’t talked to my mom yet after that incident. P...

My friend and I are both in high school, and we’ve been hanging out a lot over winter break. Today we were especially bored, and I suggested going to Walmart to look around. After a little while, we got bored of that too. Then, a (not-so bright) idea hit me. In the back of my car, I have 2 neon yellow vests from doing side jobs in construction. They seemed to match the style of vest that the employees in the parking lot were wearing, so naturally we donned the vests and posed as employees. At first we went unnoticed, and mostly just walked around the store. At one point, an older woman employee asked us if we would help her move some TVs on a cart for her. We agreed, and moved the TVs from the return section to the stocking shelves in the employee-only area in the back. As we walked in, the store’s manager (I think) helped us stock the TVs, at which point he noticed he had never seen either of us. Thinking quickly, we introduced ourselves as new employees and shook his hand. He was ...