greenmangostudio

This happened a couple of months ago, I was out for a leaving dinner with some work colleagues. Now I'd spent many months in lockdown, mostly only with my fiancé and hardly seeing anyone else. We have a very immature sense of humour (one of our favourite games is replacing song lyrics with the word 'piss' and serenading eachother). This was one of my first outings with some regular humans. Dessert comes and I've ordered a chocolate cakey thing with coconut cream drizzled on top. One of the most prudish colleagues (she doesn't tolerate much swearing or tomfoolery) leans over and asks what's on my cake. I looked her dead in the eye and reflexively proclaimed, "Cum!" I don't know who was more mortified. TL;DR I told a work colleague that the cream on my dessert was cum and now I'm known round the office as the cum cake girl.

So, this just happened about 20 minutes ago. I (23f) bought myself a stream pepper spray (because I live in a country where, if you don't have one, it's considered weird). Only problem is that it has one of those annoying key ring things so you can put it on your car keys (personally I think it's a silly place to put it, especially if you're being hijacked and you need quick access to it). So, I was trying to take it off by twisting the ring all the way down and trying to bend the link to remove it. My hand slipped. I unlocked the pepper spray. I sprayed myself. Thank goodness it didn't go in my face, but it did go through my shirt and onto my chest. I tried to rinse it off as quickly as possible, but it was too late. The damage was done. The shit got on my neck, my chest, under my tatas and on my chin. I stood in my bathroom basting myself with milk like a scone before jumping in a cold shower. Nothing worked. Finally, I used BurnShield and it's seemed to be...

So this is NSFW btw I'm not sure if there's a flair for it or not. And this fuck up started 2 days ago but just now I realized it. And no burner account cuz why not. So I've never done anal before, vanilla I know, just the thought of it scares me. But me and my boyfriend were watching a movie and things started getting frisky. He asked me if I wanted to try anal, and seeing how hopeful he was I said fuck it why not. I wanted to make him happy, even tho I was scared shitless. So we do the do, not gonna go into detail too much obviously, but I now know I don't really like it. It hurt not sure if that's normal but it did. Everything was fine for a few days, until I had to poop. I thought it was gonna be my normal poops(gross I know) but I was fucking wrong. It felt like someone stabbed my ass with a knife. After practically praying to get it over with I was finally done but they way it felt I had a suspicion. I wiped and there was SO MUCH BLOOD. And I was so scar...

So I spent most of the day today in Urgent Care. Three days ago, I noticed that the lymph node on my right side was swollen and tender. I've never had this happen before from colds or any sort of sickness, so I was a little worried, but my mom who I've been visiting the last month caught the sickness a couple weeks, so I thought maybe it was just my body fighting it off (with the aid of the vax). The next day, I noticed the swelling was still there, as well as a little addition to it in my face, sort of behind my cheek bone area. Starting to panic a little more, I took an Allegra and a paracetamol and iced and hot packed the area throughout the day as it was tender and turning my head to the left hurt some. Well this morning I woke up with a nodule on my neck. I went into full anxiety mode, thinking of all the things it could be (my dad died when I was young so I had all those sorts of things running through my head). Went to the hospital and waited for my turn -3 hours- and...

Title says it all. I was on an unscheduled Zoom with me and my 2 other coworkers and my manager. We were trying to troubleshoot email issues and after 30 or so minutes my manager told us to go back to our work and he'd let us know when he was done talking to IT so we could see if it was fixed. We all stayed on Zoom though. After going through some work my wife came up to me and started talking to me and I completely forgot my zoom meeting was going on. After talking about what we wanted to do that weekend(all unmuted but nobody said anything) she lifted up her shirt and fed me her tits while I went back and forth and licked both of them in full and plain view of my camera. After about 1 minute I hear my name being called by my manager, I panic and remember the zoom is still on, open the window and shortly apologize and my wife runs out of the room in her own panic. Now I am being called from HR and the Director telling me they'd like to move past it but I'll likely lose my...

Happened yesterday. I've never felt a combination of stupidity and happiness this intense before. Little backstory -About 5 years ago I frustratingly gave up on buying used vehicles so I went and financed a brand new car. -Couple months into the pandemic I lost my job, savings really taking a hit, and dad diagnosed with cancer. It seemed like a good call to move back home while I get back on my feet. -When I purchased my car I got additional warranty and if you don't use it you get the premium back when your car is paid off. Yay -I really need to check my bank account more often. Finally at the point I can move back out and really appreciate my parents helping me out. Was thinking the other day how sweet it's gonna be when my car is paid off. Hm maybe I can tough it out and live here till then for that cool 500/month extra. Got me excited so I thought hell yeah I'm gonna make some prepayments to help get to that goal asap! Go to login to my Scotiabank account to c...

This just happened to me an hour ago but I knew I needed to post it on here since I never have anything good to post. I drove about an hour away from my home to get Korean BBQ with my sisters. When I got there, I noticed they had been using the a pair of tongs to grab the uncooked chicken to cook, and then used the same tongs to move the cooked chicken onto our plates. I felt weird about that about that but didn’t say anything. I figured if they only gave us one pair, then this must be how it’s done and it must be safe. Maybe this is just how the Koreans do things. Fast forward to after dinner. I was stuffed with delicious bulgogi and teriyaki chicken, I had made one bathroom trip and I was eager to get home. I clicked “home” on Google maps but little did I know this was the fatal mistake. Halfway home, my boyfriend and I start to argue about something, and I started to feel some sharp pain and pressure in my belly. I was so focused on trying to win the argument, I got off at an e...

Apparently it’s illegal to ride your lawn mower on your own property while drinking beer. I learned that the hard way today while I was aerating/tilling my yard while yugging a few keystones. I saw a cop drive by my house and raised my beer to him as a gesture of friendship, but instead he flipped a bitch and came back to my house talking about some drinking and driving shit. Its a load of bullshit since I was on my property and the damn police shouldn’t be able to regulate what I do on my .4 acre property. They put my white ass in handcuffs and I got brought to the police station and was cited for driving while intoxicated which I feel like is bullshit. I really feel like this is a massive injustice and I don’t know what to do next. I already got my license revoked 2 times but didn’t think I would have issues on my husqvarna. Anyone know a good lawyer in OH that can take care of this? TL;DR: I was aerating my lawn slugging beers and a cop gave me a DWI. Feel like that’s complete bu...

This happened in the afternoon today, like an hour ago. I had to do some errands outside and didn’t eat anything yet, so I felt like treating myself with something from the bakery. There is one around the street, where I‘ve never been to before so I thought to myself „why not get something sweet from there“. I put my mask on and saw a few doves at the entrance door. The next thing I did was completely stupid and I don’t know why I did it, but I didn’t have the patience to wait for the doves to leave so I just walked straight in and basically took the doves with me. The lady at the store just said „oh no“ and the doves started flying around the store, bashing against the windows, sitting on the bread and stuff. It was a disaster. And to top it off, I just randomly asked the lady if this happens more often and she just said that it happens casually when people don’t watch where they’re walking. I merely apologized and helped her get those birds out of the bakery and yeah. Got some ...

I (M) was meeting my college roommate and best friend (M).We were both in the same city for work so we decided to get a room together to stay for the night. I dont pack my stuff, most of my clothes are in my car. So when we reach the hotel i get my trouser from the trunk of my and a shirt and head up to the room. My friend got his bag and brought it up. Early morning he woke up early and i slept till late as it was my day off. He got back around noon, told me to check out pay the bill and get his bag. So i pack his stuff and i have nothing else but a sleeping trouser so i put it in his bag, thinking that i will get it from it once we decide to spilt up. We have lunch and say goodbye meanwhile me completely forgetting about my trouser in his bag. He reaches home, called me & cursing me. His wife unpacked his bag and found the trouser. And she wont believe that its mine as its a medium size and thinks its too small for me and suspects that my friend was out there cheating on h...

Ok, ok. So she wasn't my ex at the time. This happened many moons ago. Butt-stuff was not uncommon in our relationship. In fact, once she discovered her love for backdoor romance, she almost never came until she had something in her butt. One day we were getting into it and decided to go for some full-on buttsex. Not the first time, but our assplay was usually fingers or a small toy. So there I am gently doing the thing. She's face down and playing with her hoo-ha. She reaches her promised land and I'm ready to reach mine. I finish inside her and collapse on top of her. It was romantic and sexy. Just two sweaty lovers in a state of post-orgasmic bliss. I'm still buried to the hilt. I start losing wood and know it's time to slide out and clean up. I gently pull my member out and realize that I've got poopdick. No.. not just a little smear of poo on my wang, but actual poop caked into my pubes and on my dong. We panic. She's a mess, both figuratively and ...

So I'm in the middle of a university class, trying my best to focus but not really getting much sucess on that front. The reason being that I, being a young guy, was unfortunately a bit too "excited" at the time. And snce I wasn't too keen on walking around with a bulge in my pants, i went to the toilet so that i could relieve the tension a bit and get back to normal. Then, i hear some asshole walking in, and naturally I stop doing it until he's gone. Problem is, once that douchebag finished his business and realized that I was on foot inside one of the stalls for a bit too long, he started to try and figure out what I was doing like he's fucking Faplock Holmes or something. He even went to the neighboring stall and climbed up the toilet seat, middle school style. After a few minutes the little shit finally left and I was with a deep longing to break his nose on the nearest school desk. Why the hell would someone do this?? Just pisses me off. Now i know tha...

So this happened last week when I was babysitting my nephew for a few days while my sister was out of state for my brother in laws family emergency. So I'll call my nephew Adam and his friend is Max. My sister asked me to watch her son for a few days while her and her husband went out of state because his mother was hospitalized (shes fine now guys) and I agreed because I love Adam! Adam is still in elementary but me and him get along pretty well because we enjoy similar things, so I was looking forward to the week. This all started when I went to pick up Adam from school. They called his name over the intercom and he came out with his friend, Max. Conversation isn't exact Me: "Who's this?" Adam: "My friend Max! Mom usually let's him come over after school!" Me: "Hey Max! I'm OP" Max: "Hello Mr OP, is it okay if I hang out today?" Me: "Sure that's fine, is your mother okay with it?" Max went silent fo...

Just happened an hour ago... ruined it. I've finally come to the decision to marry my gf. I started setting up my squad of minions to do my bidding in masterplanning a marvelous surprise proposal. Got my sister activated. The cousin was initiating the mission on point. I was about to onboard her sister and another cousin. The battlefield was looking tight. Meanwhile I figured I'd talk to her mom first because there are some big challenges: they live in SE Asia and we live on the West Coast or US, and the distance has been the source of a lot of emotional nights. So I message my gf's cousin to translate my intention and the question about my concerns on distance from them. Smooth. Got the translation and read it a bit myself and hit send yesterday around 2pm. The time distance is such that it was around 6 or 7am where the mom lives, so I had about 2 or 3 hours to wait. 5pm rolls around my time and I see the message has been read. So I imagined she would respond soon - no...

So technically not today but, back in high-school (2011 or 2012) my teacher (in his early 50s at the time) who also was my ex girlfriends dad. We became close during the relationship, after we (mutually) broke up me and her father spoke and joked around regularly. From time to time we we would argue with each other in in the weirdest ways possible. Like one day he yelled at me in German and I would yell back in Spanish. One day after he got got onto me for ditching a class I tell him "you know what old man, I'll kick your ass." He replies " okay, let's go to my son's gym" I laugh and say "okay this weekend" The look shock and suprise on my face when he calls his son and says "I need to use the gym Saturday after closing" his son says you got it dad" That night I tell my mom what happened and she says "you dug your grave good luck!" While laughing at me.( looking back on it now, I feel like she knew how badly I screw...

Note, I will be using the term “The person” instead if “He” or “Her” I am 19M and was an employee of a well-known American supermarket until today. Around 3 P.M, I was re-stocking chips on the shelves until I saw a person was trying to reach for the very top shelf to get a bag of tortilla chips. Of course, I went over to help, got the bag of chips down, then finished the interaction with “Have a great rest if your day ma’am!” This is where I fucked up. Keep in mind, the person was wearing a crop top with a short skirt, high heels, and makeup. Using the visual knowledge I gained about the female and male body structure and outfit for the past 19 years, I assumed that the person was a female. Furthermore, the person was not smiling, did not say thank you at all and had a straight and serious face for the entire duration of the action. That pretty much tells you their personality right off the bat. All of a sudden I hear a loud yell from the person. It caught me off guard from how su...

I bought one of those newer robot vacuum cleaners with all those cool mapping systems and auto emptying features coz hey it’s 2021 and people are getting lazier and lazier especially for degenerate single NEET males like me. *AHEM* So yeah I used it to keep my carpets clean (which I never clean at all) and my dog was kinda curious about it. On my first try on turning it on, my dog kept barking at it while it’s running and he was pretty terrified of the noise it made while it was vrooming around. At one time I was pretty confident of how the vac was going to perform without me with it’s auto detection around so I decided to go out of my apartment while it’s running and go shopping for more ramen coke and chips. Just for shits and giggles, I had the vac and my dog in the same room and my dog was being scared shitless while the robovac was running. I went out, took my sweet time doing grocery shopping and was wondering how my dog was doing with the robovac and was laughing along the w...

I (24m) had a breakup somewhat recently and am just starting to get over it/ get excited about meeting new people. I met this really cute girl through some of my friends that is maybe a little out of my league and I was really excited to go out with her. Ive been taking care of myself much better physically lately, and I also felt the need to impress. Now, I didn’t have hugely overgrown pubes or anything, but I thought I would go ahead and trim them down before the date to make sure I was looking good. This is where the TIFU happened. I somehow managed to nick the area between the shaft and balls quite badly with my electric razor (Not sure how I managed this), but almost immediately blood just starts gushing out. Like, a surprising amount of blood. I was frantically wiping away the blood with toilet paper and had a freak out moment. A lot was going through my mind. Do I need to go to the ER? Are one of my testicles going to just pop out of my scrotum? Will the bleeding stop? At thi...

Obligatory this happened this weekend note. So I needed a Rover. I was going to Indiana to my best friends lake house for a long weekend. I found Iyana on Rover. She asked me if I could pay over cashapp. I honestly didn’t think anything about it at the time. I was in a crunch and my previous booking had canceled the evening before I was supposed to leave for my trip. Here we have fuck up number 1. The next morning, I agreed and we said we would figure it out when I dropped her off. She then said it would be no problem to come pick her up. Again, I’m aware now of fuck up number 2, but I was really starting to stress and I didn’t think anything of it. She said she would be at my house at 4 to pick up my dog, Shipley. After hearing nothing, at 4:45 I reached out she told me she was getting a haircut and that it was taking longer than expected but she was on the way. I was beginning to feel like things were not lining up and was getting frustrated. But she arrived shortly after that and...

This was last week not today. I recently started commuting again after WFH for over a year. In that time, it seems people forgot how to drive. I drive in a medium size city and have had quite a few close calls recently. So I decided to get a dashcam to protect myself in case anything happens and I need video proof of the events. The dashcam I got not only records video (obviously) but also sound from inside the car. Anyways, after a few days of having my dashcam, I decided to review the recordings to make sure it was working properly and to just watch footage of me driving around. I was sitting on the couch, my gf was sitting on the other couch scrolling through tiktok. Most of the clips were pretty dull, normal driving and me singing along to my music or listening to podcasts. I clicked on another clip that started our pretty normal. It was me a few minutes into my drive back from work, nothing out of the ordinary. Then, several seconds into the clip you hear me go "Holy shit...

So I (24m) am taking classes and one of my classes is business writing. Today we were talking about a chapter on presentations as we have one in two weeks. One area the professor talks about is controlling nervousness and my idiot self had to put my two bits in. So my professor was having a friendly presentation to set an example and I got too comfortable. I said, "one way I stop myself from being nervous is that I picture myself naked" the professor said "dont you mean you picture everyone else naked?" I responded with "no, if I'm more confident in being naked, i get more positive feedback whenever that happens, plus I know where the attention goes and im pretty proud of that." My professor said okay and just moved on. What was meant to be a joke with a little truth turned into an awkward explanation and a DEAD SILENT class. What's worse is the will DEFINITLY remember that when im presenting. TL;DR. I decided to offer advice and told the class ...

So my boyfriend (22M) and I (21F) stay at each other’s apartments. On this particular day, BF had to leave before me. So I’m getting ready, and I notice something in his bathroom trash can. A pad wrapper. Pink. I already got my period this month, and mine are blue. He doesn’t have any female family/friends in the area that I know of. So I’m panicking inside. All day. I go to class and then to work and come back to his place. We’re eating the dinner that I cooked for him, and all the while I’ve been thinking about how to confront him. When we finish eating, I calmly say, “Okay, look, I’m not accusing you of anything. But I saw something and I need an explanation.” I told him what I found this morning, and the fucker starts laughing. “Babe, go look at the shelf on top of my computer. No, seriously, go look.” I go into his room. He points to a canister on the shelf. I open it. Who the hell owns pink cleaning wipes? TL;DR thought I saw a pad wrapper in my boyfriend’s trash can bu...

So I was exhausted after school and couldn’t focus on my work so decided to have a short nap, but suddenly my alarm went off and it was 5:30 am. I was still exhausted so pressed snooze, but the next time I woke up to check the time it was 6! I had accidentally turned my alarm off instead of snoozed! So now I’m panicking that I’m going to miss the bus. So I jump out of bed, hop in the shower, shower super fast, swallow a bowl of cereal, get dressed, pack my lunch, pack my bag, throw my shoes on, and run out of my apartment. Suddenly, I realise I can’t hear the elevator constantly dinging, as it does every morning with all the teachers in my apartment building leaving at the same time… so I look at my phone again, 6:23, no I haven’t missed the bus yet so what’s wrong?! And that’s when it dawns on me… it’s 6:23pm. I dreamt my alarm. I was in such disbelief I literally googled the time in Kuwait - maybe my phone was wrong?! Then I text my neighbour, yup, it’s evening and I’m an idiot. Wel...

I started a job 2 weeks ago, and today was our 4 hour long planning meeting. Today I was sitting there listening and learning when my dog walked in. He decides he wants to go under my desk, which he does often. However this time, he placed his sweet little head in between my legs. I instantly have a mushy heart, and say “OoooooOoOooo my baby boyyy. You’re so sweet. I loooove you” in my best dog talking voice. You know, we all have one. I was unmuted, and my bosses boss says “What was that? Does someone have a voice changer on?” and I instantly panic and mute myself. My sweet 7 month old puppy made me make a fool of myself in front of my entire team lol. TLDR: I forgot I was unmuted, and started speaking to my dog in my “dog talking” voice as an adult on a conference call. Embarassing Edit: Dog Tax , my fault. Forgot to pay the toll

We went back home for a few days with my sister. We had this big lunch with the whole extended family and all. Everyone was drinking and having fun until I caught my aunt and sister talking. My sister was complaining that her husband wears 15(48 eu) size shoes and she cannot find the sneakers he wants anywhere so big. My aunt (drunk as hell) goes-‘ oh, is the rumor true? Big feet big socks, eh?’ My sister mortified, tries to change subjects but my aunt is relentless. I can see grandma frowning at the two of them and my little cousins making curious faces. My sister finally had enough (it was over 20 minutes that our aunt insisted to know) leaned in and whispered ‘yes’ and then excused herself from the table. I made a face because I am close with my sister and my brother-in-law and I meet them almost every week for dinner or coffee. I had thought that my father hadn’t heard because he had been watching the game but suddenly he turns to me and goes-“ what you making faces for? I told yo...

Ooooooh man my dad is from Dominican Republic it’s customary to send big bins of old clothes, laptops, phones since it’s such a poor country and all my cousins are popping babies like popcorn. I sent my dad over there my old phone and my husbands old phone. Only to forget to clear out the phones my husband phone is unlocked and he starred a video of us well in a compromising position so it’s right on top literally… and my old iPhone has 10,000 pictures of a huge spectrum of things. I had to call his girlfriend who I don’t really like because she’s my exact age to ask her to intercept the package and delete the photos. I’m not sure she’ll do it. The other problem is even if my dad doesn’t see it he’s planning on selling them. Yes I’m an idiot send booze lol TL;DR. sent my das a package with old phones forgot to clear the photos and now there on the way to him with nudes.

So, I’m sick. Not COVID sick, just run of the mill congestion and blowing my nose constantly kind of sick. My husband and son had it first, so we’d picked up some of those Vicks shower tablets and I figured I’d try one out. It was late and I felt miserable and planned to just plop down on the poor excuse for a seat in my shower and let the vapors do their thing. Part 1 of my fuck up: I didn’t just put the tablet on the shower floor like Vicks told me to. I figured why have weak floor vapors when I can put this baby up higher and lean right over it and REALLY inhale that menthol. I put the tablet on the tiny seat and aimed the spray directly at it. Part 2 of my fuck up: I plopped my ass down on the seat next to this thing so I could be niiiice and close to get prime vapors right to my face. Yeah, I sat down directly next to the menthol tablet quickly melting on the seat. Naked. Without considering the fact that the mentholy water would eventually make its way under my butt. Until su...

The apartment building I live in had apartment inspections today, and even though I cleaned up everything I somehow overlooked the fact that I left my bong sitting out on the kitchen sink where I had left it to dry after cleaning it. So about five guys come into my apartment and see my bong sitting super obviously out in the open. None of them said anything about it, but I didn’t get a very good vibe from them even when they entered so now I’m freaking out that I’m going to be evicted. I took a look at my lease and it lists “drug paraphernalia” under Default by Resident. So...yeah. Even though I live in a legal state, I think I’m screwed. I’ve been a perfect tenant otherwise, always pay my rent on time, have never gotten any complaints about me, and have been living here for over two years and really don’t want to have to move, especially since I may not be able to afford to move somewhere else close by. So now I get to sit around in stressful agony and wait to see if I’m going to be ...

Well, where to start. This happened two nights ago. I’m currently having a ‘friends with benefits’-thingy going with a girl I’ve known for quite some time. She lives in another city where I’m currently working and from time to time I’m staying at her place because it’s more comfortable for me regarding my commute and also.. well.. the sex is fucking great. Lately we’ve been talking about eating edibles together since she never has and wanted to try them out, and I figured I’d bake a batch of cookies for us. Also she came home from two weeks of vacation and was looking forward to see, and well, do things with me.   Two nights ago I picked her up from the airport, drove to her place and then we finally ate them, with me eating a tad more since I’m a big fella nearly weighing twice her weight, and after some time we both could feel a relaxing high approaching.   At some point she undressed herself trying to initiate sexy time, and without skipping a beat I spat out a laugh, th...

This happened about 2 hours ago and I have a little bit of time on my lunch break so let me drop the situation on how I almost met god today. I work as a Splicer for a certain ISP so my day is pretty much spent in the streets. The specific city I live in has a lot of renovations and new construction going on so I’m blessed to have access to porta pottys pretty much anywhere I go. I had just finished up on a job took longer than expected so I had a bladder that I desperately needed to relieve. I drove down the street and a few minutes later I saw the one that would bring me close to death. I didn’t think much of it but now looking back, there was a few red flags about this home. It looks like it hasn’t been touched in months, exterior Tyvek was coming off, weeds everywhere and no construction workers in sight. I parked my work van a few feet away and I felt that the dams were about to burst. I step in to the Porta Potty, lock the door and went on about my business. I looked around ...

For context, I moved in with my boyfriend a little over 2 years ago. I’ve taken way more showers than I can count. On to the fuck up: So two days ago, I went to shower, and I turned it on like normal, but I could not get any hot water. I turned it up all the way, and it was freezing cold. I thought my boyfriend had forgotten to pay the gas again, but when I got out, I checked the sink, and we still had hot water. So I was confused but figured maybe my boyfriend used all the hot water. So the next day, I take another shower, and it’s still freezing. So today, we had maintenance come out to look at it, and we got hot water immediately. My boyfriend and I thought it was a weird fluke, and it fixed itself. Well, I just went to shower and realized I was turning the knob to the cold side. I’m now super ashamed, and I will never tell my boyfriend the truth, lol. TLDR: I lived in my house for over 2 years and forgot which direction to turn for hot water when I showered.

So, this is an actual TIFU cause the FU just happened about ten minutes ago. Yesterday was my girlfriend’s 25th birthday, and so, of course, we go out with her friends and family and she gets pretty drunk. I did my boyfriend duties of taking care of her, getting her water, the whole nine yards. We get back to her apartment and I’m pretty tired so I go to lay down. She gets in bed, we cuddle for a few minutes, I’m thinking sleep is coming soon. Wrong. We end up kissing and it obviously leads to something else, round one is done, boom bam pow, I’m ready to go to sleep for real this time and I assume she is too. Wrong again. This is where the FU happens. We start at round two, and it’s going great. Trying new positions, enjoying ourselves, it’s a blast. My girlfriend goes to finish me off orally, and it’s working like a charm. I am almost to the finish line, when suddenly, she goes to repositioning herself. And by reposition herself, I mean she shifts her entire weight onto my knee ca...

Okay, I’m minding my business in the shower when I notice I could use a little groundskeeping at Mons Pubis, population 1,000,000 (and growing). I luckily invested in a waterproof trimmer not too long ago and figured now’s as good a time as any to trim the hedges. Buzz buzz motherfucker and what was once a teeming, overgrown city block is now a pristine community garden where folks won’t be afraid to stroll into and attempt planting some seeds (im not sorry for the innuendo). Proud of my design and hygiene post trim, I finish the rest of my routine to get ready for bed. Cue the fuck up. Post trim and post panty-application, I begin to feel the cotton on my shorter curly goods, and it begins to itch (like always, at first anyways!) So there I go, finger nails to the itchy sites and begin to scratch. Sweet relief. Until my finger… my pointer to be exact, began to sting IMMENSELY. OW OW OW and time to inspect the little sausage. I run into the bathroom and find a single pubic hair...

This happened when I was 16. THC pens were newly popular so I kept one on me to smoke at school. I was part of Key Club, and we met after dismissal. This week was anti-drug week and it was close to Halloween, so we made Halloween themed anti-drug posters. I absolutely should not have had artistic control, but I guess I never made it obvious that I was high. They gave me the quote “Hocus Pocus! Drugs aren’t my focus.” The idea of my poster was supposed to include the three witches from the Hocus Pocus film, but I fucking drew the Wicked Witch of the West. Everyone was like…. “Yeahhhhh we were thinking of something different, but good job!” The poster proceeded to get roasted for the remainder of its time in the hallway. I’ll post the picture if I can find it. TL;DR: I was high when I made an anti-drug poster and I fucked it up completely.

This happened last night when I was at work. Learn from my mistakes. Upon ordering spicy chicken nuggets and given the option of getting the ghost pepper sauce, your initial reaction may be “oh hell no” because you know the dangers of a ghost pepper. However, the kind people at Wendy’s may add a pack or two into your order anyway… just in case you wanted to change your mind. Now you’re sitting wherever you choose to eat and you inspect your order while opening everything and see the ghost pepper sauce packets. Your curiosity is piqued. You think, “you know what? Maybe I’ll just try it.” So there you are: dipping a tiny bit of a spicy nugget into this sauce that you’ll soon realize is much more dangerous than expected. You try a small bite and go “oh… that’s not so bad… wait a minute that can’t be right. Let me have another bite.” And so you go. Down the path that you can never return from. You eat bite after bite and finish the entire 10 piece of nuggets and an entire sauce pack. You...

My wife has been cultivating a sourdough starter for the last year and a half. It’s been her baby for all of lockdown. The last couple of days she’s had it growing in the oven to keep it in a warm and temperature-stable place. I knew they were in there but forgot in that key moment as I preheated the oven for dinner. 10 minutes later the starter was dead as a doornail and partly cooked. I sat on the floor of the kitchen in horror. ​ Of course, I told her as soon as she got home and she’s as upset at me as I am with myself. My wife immediately ran into the bedroom and is crying her eyes out. I can't console her since I'm the one at fault. Hopefully, some of the discard is useful for resurrecting “Gertrude”. God, I hope so. Seriously, any tips would be welcome at this point. ​ TL;DR I killed my wife's sourdough starter.

This actually happened today, about 2 hours ago. My wife and I have gotten on a kick of watching those GQ "The Breakdown" videos on YouTube. This evening we put on one where a cardiac surgery breaks down medical sequences in movies and TV. In the second video the surgeon talks about the amputation scene in the movie "127 Hours" . So my wife is about 6 months pregnant and for some reason the combination of pregnancy hormones and learning for the first time that this was a true story caused her to have her own breakdown. She was shocked at first when I told her it was real. Then I told her he really did it with a multi-tool and she couldn't believe it and was crying more. Me being an idiot, I quickly pulled up a mini-doc on YouTube that started the video he recorded thinking he would be found dead. This was too much for her and she started crying EVEN MORE. She then said "I can't imagine having to do that all before being found" to which, for some...

My recent girlfriend and I were making out and having a good time. I am incredibly into her and as we were taking a pause and cuddling I chuckled a bit to myself and mentioned that she smells like truffles. She didn't know what those were, so I explained that they were a fungus and immediately realized I fucked up. So, as she was worried, I went on to explain that they're super expensive and sought after because they taste so good and that every time I've used them I've really liked their smell. Her aroma is intoxicating to me and I absolutely love it. But, today I just realized I'm not sure if truffles are actually considered a good smell to others. Looked it up and apparently a lot of people think they smell like dirty socks. Now I'm just waiting nervously for her to Google it and be like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?". TL;DR: Was having a good time with my recent GF and in a tender moment mentioned she smells like truffles. Genuinely thought truffles smelled...

Im not from an english-speaking country so sorry for mistakes. I work as a demolishioner with a degree in construction, but my Dream job has always been working as a Police officer. So i recently started working on getting my grades up so i could go to police-university (its superhard and a lot of work to become a police-officer in sweden). When i told my family they got exited, but of course the question of "why" came up. So i said, infront of my mom & dad, fiancé and siblings that i want to become a police-officer. Ofcourse everyone put on a facade and acted really happy for me... Except my fiancé. She was more worried than happy (expected comming from a loved one). The word quickly spread and suddenly i feel like people are walking on egg-shells when theyre talking to me. When my fiancé told the inlaws they started screaming in unicen "F*CK THE POLICE" "ACAB" and other terms. My friends that like to smoke weed have cut almost all contact with me (l...

So I had way too much to drink last night (five glasses of wine on an empty stomach, then some beers, by 2 AM I was mixing rum with Fanta, 0/10 would not recommend). I ended up sleeping with this guy I know, who lives in his van and doesn't shower very often, on a dirty mattress, both of us too drunk to remember to use protection. Woke up in the morning and couldn't find my knickers anywhere, so had to cycle home without them. Drinking loads of water now to hopefully get rid of this UTI, but I feel like I'm peeing needles. Booking a doctor's appointment right now so I can get tested for STDs. As an added bonus, this guy ghosted a friend of mine a few years ago and she was really hurt by it, so I'm really anxious she'll be sad or upset when she finds out we hooked up. This sucks, but I only have myself to blame. tl;dr got way too drunk, slept with an unhygienic boy in a dirty van without using protection, have a really bad UTI now and need to get tested for STD...

I live in a pretty big city with a roommate (24F.) We've only lived together for 3 months, but in that time, she has shared with me that she is a victim of SA (don't want to spell it out and get banned.) This first happened when I had a group of friends over. She told me seeing so many guys in the house, brought back those memories and could I not do that anymore. I felt terrible, so I didn't have anyone over for a while. This kept happening in other situations too. Can you not play that song, it triggers me. Could you not wear that sports jersey, it triggers me. Could you be more discrete with your dates, seeing them walk around the place with just a shirt on triggers me? This got pretty annoying after a while, but I tried to be understanding. Last weekend, she was away visiting some friend. She was supposed to be gone all weekend and be back Sunday night. So I invited people over to watch football on Sunday afternoon. She walked in around 3, looked around the place and...

My Xbox is in my bedroom, and since I live by myself I usually leave my bedroom door open. I say I live by myself, but I also have a Maltese dog that I have to keep my company. Anyways, this dog really doesn't like bananas for some reason, and is repelled by the sight of the (He doesnt mind the smell of Bananas though). He usually chills in my room with me while I play, and for some reason (since he feels like an asshole) he occasionally turns my Xbox off with his snout. Well, one day I was playing Overwatch and just so happened to turn the Xbox off mid ranked match, which was the final straw for me. In a fit of simultaneous rage and genius, I thought it would be a genius idea take a banana to my xbox in order to further discourage him to turn it off. And it worked, like a charm. Now usually, I'd replace the banana every once in a while to keep it fresh and not rotting. However, I was going to visit my parents in another state for a month (I do online work, so its no prob...

This moment might not be as exciting, but I’m fucking terrified. So I’ve had this crush on this very pretty girl for a couple of years. My friend, he wanted to go drinking with me at a hotel. We bought 6 soju bottles and some water bottles and a card game to go with. I’m going to tell you now that, I absolutely got JACKED. I don’t drink much cause I cannot stand the taste, I soon did get use to the taste and was able to drink a bottle or two. Fast track, my friend wanted to end the game cause he knew I was getting absolutely jacked up. Before I couldn’t stand or text I told him to make sure I don’t text or call anyone. And as you can see where this led me. He called an Uber for me , I could barely walk straight without tumbling or getting distracted, everything was spinning and shit. It was absolutely horrible. We got into the car, I pulled out my phone and started texting. With words of regret. “Heyyyyyy I’m so sorry” “I’m so sorry if I have ever made you uncomfortable” “You’r...

Hello everyone, I fucked up big time today and I feel like shit. I was dating this girl for a year, when she suddenly cheated on me with a friend ("just a kiss"). She begged me to take her back as it didn't mean anything to her, while the guy was still living in the same student dorm. I accepted her and took her back, then we broke up again because she just realized she didn't love me or something. We still got back together a couple weeks later. So the past 3 weeks have been working out stuff for us, I still had some bad moments with trust but was ok. When I was at her place today I found her diary on the night stand. So I looked inside and found out that even before she cheated, she wrote a lot of times (over the course of 2 months) she loved me in her "own way" or also as a friend? And she fell in love with this guy. And even before they kissed she wrote about how she would love that to happen and how much she can only think of him. After we broke up t...

Im an artist and my parents know about it very well, they sponsored my supplies and everything needed for me to create. I occasionally show them my art and they seem to actually take great pride in it! Especially my mom loves to show off my art to her friends and family that aren't yet aware that i draw..or are aware, just never seen my stuff. Either way, shes always the first one to boast about her artsy daughter. Aside from sfw art, from time to time ill create something nsfw either for myself, a friend or its a commission. I opened a newsgrounds account specifically to post this kind of stuff on there and i guess it was really silly to think my family wouldn't find it since i use same nickname everywhere, on every platform. Naive me didn't think my mom would click anywhere else than Instagram and actually go for a search online. Well, this one faithful day my parents went on a birthday party, i never seen the people that hosted in my life, so i stayed home and didn...

NSFW bc kinda fucking gross Spoiler bc you'll spoil your appetite for certain Read on if you dare This happened under an hour ago So, for the past few days I've started being an adult and actually making proper meals for myself with HelloFresh. I'd get 3 orders on Friday and cook them on fri-sun. This is where the downhillery begins. Today, Monday, I woke up for work and it just clicked in my head; I have not had a shit since Thursday. I went to work, tried having a shit during my lunch but just couldn't get much out in under 10 minutes, so I had to leave it until I got home. Fast forwards to this evening, I was feeling fine, had some nice garlic potatoes with crumbed chicken breasts, along with a second supper which was thai noodles with more chicken (not fat, more like midnight snack). I was lying in bed around 12:30 when I noticed my appendix started aching like crazy. I remember needing a shit a lil bit earlier but I brushed it off for a job for the morning....

TIFU signing into a virtual job interview. I was using my personal laptop that I don’t use that often and joined the zoom via a link in the meeting details. I entered the meeting and then my heart dropped. Since I signed on with that link, the place where you enter your name along with the meeting ID never popped up. It went with the name I had used for my last zoom session, which happened to be “bitch”. I panicked and signed out immediately and typed my actual name. I was a couple of minutes early and did not see anyone in the meeting yet, so I figured I was in the clear. Then I checked my phone and I had a text from the recruiter I had been working with. Her: “Hurry up and change your zoom name it says bitch!” Oh god. Now I’m sweating and the interview is starting. The entire time I’m wondering if the interviewer saw my original sign in. Once it was over I texted the recruiter and apologized profusely. She let me know we caught it before the hiring manager saw and she said she g...

This happened years and years ago, but I just remembered this and thought I should post. Long build-up; however, this is needed as the chances of this occurring are relatively low. Part 1 - Backstory London Ex and study: I am German but moved with my family to London UK when I was 13 years old. Met a girl when I was ~17, and she became my first long term girlfriend. Long term means we stayed together till my 3rd year of University (of 4). Long story short… we were young, she wanted different things than me, and she realized this when she started University. I was in my -2nd year of Uni by then. We started living together when she joined University. Things were great initially, but suddenly she kept getting more and more distance, no more sex, she went out more than usual, and didn't come home as she "stayed with friends", etc. I confronted her, we talked, she gave me excuses and said she needed time to figure things out, etc. Anyway, this went on for far too long ...

The best and worst high, and the best and worst shift I've ever worked. I am a heavy user, heavy heavy. Mostly thc carts, but I've basically been high 24/7 for 3 years. A few hours of sobriety here and there. On break, my coworker asked me if I wanted to split a cookie, sure, where that cookie at I want it now. I eat edibles now and then and haven't had any issue since like the first time when i was 16, 30 now. We split the cookie. And smoke a few clips. Before we go back in after our 30 minutes I eye the nutter butter wrapper on the car floor. 500mg. Oh fuck. I already know that I'm gonna probably die. I've taken 100mg before and was okay but was fucked up pretty good. 250mg is way more than 100mg if my math is correct. When we go back in, we find out that we're on the same team. Work banquet, weddings. It was the 2 of us with 5 tables. Neither of us could pretend to be sick and leave or lean on one of our sober coworkers to carry the team. We're fuck...

Yesterday I was having a nice happy Sunday playing with my daughter (3) on our front porch. Starting when she was little and beginning to walk, she would always pick up little pebbles and other things off the ground and slide them into my pocket. It got to the point where she did it so often, I rarely noticed, and at the end of the day would find barrettes, little toys, rocks, sand, marbles, half eaten food she didn't want anymore, or whatever else she slipped into one of my pockets. Going back to yesterday, my daughter and I left the porch and went inside the house, and while she was playing in the living room, I went into the kitchen to look for snacks. My wife asked me for some keys, so I absentmindedly reached into my pocket when I felt something soft and round. Not knowing what it was, I pulled out a soft oval shaped brown thing. My daughter had been eating some dried dates that her grandpa had made, and I initially dismissed this mysterious orb as an old date. After inspect...

My son goes to bed around 7PM. Afterwards I turn on the TV. Grab my snacks and watch my 600lb life. I'm currently bingeing it. My son came out from bed and saw it on tv and asked about it. I paused it and explained how it is a show about people who are sick and trying to get healthier. Fast forward to today. I'm taking my son to the doctor. He goes to a "family medicine" and not a pediatrics office. So all ages are there. A lady walks in and is checking in. She is very overweight. My son goes "Is she here from my 600lb life?" Once. I tried to cover his mouth with my hand. So then he goes louder "IS SHE THE GIRL FROM MY 600LB LIFE?" The lady didnt acknowledge what he said and ignored it. I know she heard it and I feel absolutley terrible. I honestly didnt know what to say in the moment. So I just said "no. That's not very nice." After the appointment I had a good talk with him about not making comments about how people look. I also to...

SO, the other day I was gifted a non-functional solar panel, so I decided to do the really cool thing and make it into a desk! (picture) To make it, I attached aluminum piping to each corner of the steel frame of the solar panel, then put it into my room so I could set up my computer and monitors, and really make the desk my own. I then submitted a picture of it to the subreddit pcmasterrace, and while the post still had only a couple of upvotes, I decided to go to sleep. When I awoke, I was surprised with hundreds of comments warning me about the dangers of using solar panels as desks, as they are made up of materials such as: Cadmium, a material well known to cause cancer, organ failure and even death if you have long term exposure. Silicon Tetrachloride, which when exposed to water reacts with a noxious gas that causes burning of the lungs. Copper Indium Selenide, which lab test showed rats having abnormal growths in their lungs caused by the material. Just to name a...